mujeep Posted July 12, 2005 Posted July 12, 2005 It's been about 4 months since my 4 year relationship ended. I've taken the advice of the members of this forum on battling loneliness: Keeping busy, working out, hanging with friends, etc. I've done all these and I still feel empty and lonely inside, even when I'm with 5 or 6 of my buddies, I still feel all alone. Isn't 4 months enough time for this feeling to go away? Is there anything else I could do? I've tried to start new relationships hoping it would help, but for some reason or another, it doesn't work out. I was told to set time aside each day to allow myself to grieve, say 10 to 15 minutes, and then stop and continue the rest of my day. Well, to me the grieving seems to last all day and I'm getting sick of it.
New_Wife Posted July 12, 2005 Posted July 12, 2005 You've heard the saying, right? "If you hike 10 miles in, you gotta hike 10 miles out." That's not exactly right for a relationship - you don't want to grieve for 4 years, for certain. But whatever period you hurt for is the period you are supposed to allow yourself to hurt for. I would say if the intensity doesn't level off after six months or so, it's time to head off to a counselor for some assistance. I think there is a huge tendency to hurry up and get over it - which can lead to a nasty rebound relationship or other troublesome consequences. Take some time, learn what you can from the demise of your relationship, and maybe make a list of things you'd change, and things you'd like to repeat in a new relationship some day. I always planned vacations after a break up. Never really took them, because I've got kids, but if I didn't, I'd have hopped a plane to Vegas and partied with a girl pal for the weekend.
JAyJAy Posted July 12, 2005 Posted July 12, 2005 Sure, four years is a long time.. As far as getting over it..You will..May not not be today nor tomorrow.Time is definitely on your side. It seems like when a person dies their soul doesn't rest easy because they feel it wasn't time to go, but eventually someone comes along and helps that spirit find its way. Someday you may see the end of that tunnel and recover. But for now grieve all you want. Don't use a time frame either that is what is going to prolong the grieving. If your out with friends and you feel like you want to cry go ahead. Whenever those emotions want to come out let them that is the only way that you are going to get over this. I feel for you..And I hope that everything works out..
Author mujeep Posted July 12, 2005 Author Posted July 12, 2005 I really appreciate these suggestions. Sometimes I find myself "forcing" myself to have a good time and smile, when deep down inside I feel miserable. I more or less act like everything is fine when it is not. I suppose the fact that she still contacts me every once in awhile isn't helping the situation. In previous posts I mentioned that she only contacts me something has gone wrong in her life or she needs someone to talk to. She also manages to contact me if she thinks I'm out with some other girl or she is not doing anything with her current boyfriend. Yup, I'm tired of getting the scraps but for some reason I can't stop caring for her.
SummerRae Posted July 13, 2005 Posted July 13, 2005 Originally posted by JAyJAy Sure, four years is a long time.. As far as getting over it..You will..May not not be today nor tomorrow.Time is definitely on your side. It seems like when a person dies their soul doesn't rest easy because they feel it wasn't time to go, but eventually someone comes along and helps that spirit find its way. Someday you may see the end of that tunnel and recover. But for now grieve all you want. Don't use a time frame either that is what is going to prolong the grieving. If your out with friends and you feel like you want to cry go ahead. Whenever those emotions want to come out let them that is the only way that you are going to get over this. I feel for you..And I hope that everything works out.. Totally true! I have started going to therapy and am really starting to see that the HEALTHIEST thing we can do is feel things out, feel everything. So many people try to tell us to "suck it up" or just to "get over it." It doesn't work that way. Once we're done feeling out all of our pain, underneath we see that we are NOT the pain, we are LOVE. If we weren't love, we wouldn't be able to give/receive love. That's the interesting thing about it. And every painful feeling we have is never about just the pain we are experiencing, it is always more. It is about the pain we've had accumulated over the years. So layer after layer we have to unravel this tangled up belief of who we really are. JMO.
JAyJAy Posted July 13, 2005 Posted July 13, 2005 First things first honey. You have to stop accepting any kind of contact with her, emotional or physical. The reason why she keeps on calling is because you keep on accepting her. You have to stop falling into that cycle. At this rate you will never ever get over her. If she is calling it's becuase of one or two things>>> 1. she is hooked and doesnt want to admit. 2. she is gloating in your grief. Dont give her the satisfaction. Be strong and just let her go... I'm here just write I will do the best that I can to walk you through this...Sorry!!!!
sanne Posted July 13, 2005 Posted July 13, 2005 mujeep you are not doing NC, which is why you keep feeling hurt. I honestly didn't think I could do NC, but then I had a serious talk with myself. Once I had the will to do it, not contacting my ex became easy. I have no urges to go online (haven't in one week), call her, or make any sort of contact at all. Sure I do miss her from time to time, but that's natural I guess. The point is even the weakest of us can do this. I admit, I am weak, but I found a way to beat her and her mind games. It took me 2 long agonizing months to get to this point, but I made it in the end. Some things that helped tremendously were keeping myself busy with my job, working out in my free time, reading books, playing video games, and doing anything I could to distract myself. Anytime I felt those urges, I came online here and reread some old threads which helped keep me sane. I also just went out for a drive until my feelings settled. Good luck mujeep, whenever your feeling down and lonely just come on here and we'll try our best to cheer you up.
SummerRae Posted July 13, 2005 Posted July 13, 2005 saaane is right (hence the name). I have resisted the contact (except for freakin' baseball when they keep sticking ME as backcatcher and HIM as pitcher and I'm forced to look at his gorgeous, but pain inflicting, face.....and he's the freakin' coach, is he trying to torture me?????????). I also broke down 2 times. Once via email (but I kept it light and funny and sweet) and the next by phone (not-so-light, funny, or sweet). I think I humiliated myself just mildly enough to realize: WTF AM I TORTURING MYSELF? The man does not want to be with me. If he did, he knows my number/name/email/best friend/address, etc... There is no possibility that my phone/doorbell/bestfriend/email can ALL be broken (despite my initial praying that this was the case.) The last conversation really helped me though. He said, "M. there is nothing wrong with you, blah, blah, blah. I'm just not ready yet." It temporarily eased my pain of thinking "what did i do wrong." No matter what, we know it is NOT about us, it's about their issues, their needs, etc........ Just keep telling yourself this.
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