Is this what love is?

[thisisconfusing]

I broke up with my boyfriend a few months ago. He pursued me. Wanted to be my boyfriend. I met his daughter. From one day to next he became distant. Wanted space. Came up with excuses to not go out. I didnt want to wait it out so I ended it. Long story short I didnt handle everything correctly. I chased. I begged. I wasnt the "cool girl" anymore.

 

 

Its been 6 months of off and on contact. In his mind Im sure he believes he has me in the palm of his hands. I would like to change that mindset. My big question is: is it too late to appear like the cool girl again?

 

 

He called me like a week ago and I decided to just ignore it. I would like to initiate NC for longer than a month. For myself mostly. I dont want to appear like i'm "always there". But of course in the back of my mind I want to know if there is a chance to rectify anything. I know he likes me. He has baggage. As do I. But im in no position to change him.

 

I'm aware I need to move on. I'm never going to get the answers I desire. But again is it ever too late?

[smackie9]

No, stop wasting your time. You can't and shouldn't have to correct bad behavior. You date those who treat you the way you want to be treated....anything less than that you need to kick to the curb. You can post here a hundred threads and you are going to get the same answer. Go NC forever, and don't look back.

[lovethyou]

I dated a man who was really interested in a relationship with me. I eventually gave in. I met his daughter.

 

From one day to next he became distant. Nothing had really changed in a month so I ended it.

 

For 6 months now I have initiated contact. I told him I wanted to give us a try. He said a relationship isn't a priority. (when a man tells you who he is believe him) I KNOW.

 

I have not stopped living my life once. I have dated/date. My schedule is still what it is. I do what i have to do. But I love him.

 

He suppresses his feelings big time. He tells me that he doesnt really feel any emotions. But when I told him that I love him (First time ever) he said it back to me. How is it possible? Does he love me. Am I wrong for trying to make it work. For me love is meaningful and I didnt say it for fun. I meant it.

 

My heart tells me to fight for him but my head tells me to completely move on and end all contact till he gets his **** together. Im thinking of how I would want someone to handle me.

 

Thanks!

[aileD]

He doesn't love you and he has told you this

 

Why don't you want to accept it?

[Redhead14]

I dated a man who was really interested in a relationship with me. I eventually gave in. I met his daughter.

 

From one day to next he became distant. Nothing had really changed in a month so I ended it.

 

For 6 months now I have initiated contact. I told him I wanted to give us a try. He said a relationship isn't a priority. (when a man tells you who he is believe him) I KNOW.

 

I have not stopped living my life once. I have dated/date. My schedule is still what it is. I do what i have to do. But I love him.

 

He suppresses his feelings big time. He tells me that he doesnt really feel any emotions. But when I told him that I love him (First time ever) he said it back to me. How is it possible? Does he love me. Am I wrong for trying to make it work. For me love is meaningful and I didnt say it for fun. I meant it.

 

My heart tells me to fight for him but my head tells me to completely move on and end all contact till he gets his **** together. Im thinking of how I would want someone to handle me.

 

Thanks!

 

Get a grip! You've been chasing a guy for 6 months who became distant very early in the relationship, doesn't feel emotions, told you a relationship isn't a priority for him?????

 

Nothing had really changed in a month so I ended it. -- Nothing has changed now either . . .

 

Im thinking of how I would want someone to handle me. -- C'mon now. If you didn't want a relationship with anyone, you'd want someone to chase you down for 6 months????????

For 6 months now I have initiated contact. I told him I wanted to give us a try. He said a relationship isn't a priority.

 

IS THIS WHAT LOVE IS?

You are confused to a spectacular degree, lovethyou . . . stop chasing this man and focus on why you want a man who is basically a ghost -- doesn't feel emotions, distant and pushing you away by saying a relationship isn't a priority to him. This isn't love . . . you are embarrassing yourself.

[Springsummer]

Yes, yes Redhead14....I suspect OP probably knows too...but the head and the heart don't work the same way.

 

The head vs. the heart...unfortunately we have to choose the head. There is not other way. I know it's very hard. In time, eventually we will move on. now we just have to fight our hearts and endure.

 

I am really into this person too (can't say love coz I don't really know him). but I don't want to pursue a man. that's just not me.

[Springsummer]

It's unrequited love.

[Redhead14]

Yes, yes Redhead14....I suspect OP probably knows too...but the head and the heart don't work the same way.

 

The head vs. the heart...unfortunately we have to choose the head. There is not other way. I know it's very hard. In time, eventually we will move on. now we just have to fight our hearts and endure.

 

I am really into this person too (can't say love coz I don't really know him). but I don't want to pursue a man. that's just not me.

 

The head vs. the heart -- When these two things are not in synch, there is something wrong anyway.

 

Insight is part of emotional and intellectual maturity. Beyond that, chasing a man for 6 months is not about love . . . it just isn't.

 

The OP needs to step back and look inward. She has crossed the line between love and obsession . . .

[Satu]

snip

He said a relationship isn't a priority.

He tells me that he doesnt really feel any emotions.

 

Take his words to mean exactly what they say, and base your reasoning on them.

 

 

Take care.

[Satu]

One of the things that goes a long way towards building a really happy life, is getting your mind and feelings pointing in the same direction.

 

A life lived in conflict isn't a happy one.

 

 

Take care.

[Gaeta]

For 6 months now I have initiated contact. I told him I wanted to give us a try. !

 

You are emotionally unstable. If you don't understand that chasing someone for 6 months after he rejected you is harassment than you need some profession help to emotionally grow.

 

No one with a minimum of common sense would contact someone for 6 months in the hope they'll say yes to a relationship.

 

But when I told him that I love him

 

You love him?

 

Explain to us why you love him?

 

You never had a proper relationship with this man. He chased you and you resisted till one day you said OK than right after he dumped you. Where in all this did you have time to develop love for him?

 

He doesn't want you. Accept it and go out there find someone that DOES want to spend time with you.

[Redhead14]

The movie "Fatal Attraction" and bunny boiling comes to mind . . . I just want to point out to the OP just how odd/outrageous her behavior comes across even online . . . let alone how it may be feeling to him.

[Springsummer]

One of the things that goes a long way towards building a really happy life, is getting your mind and feelings pointing in the same direction.

 

A life lived in conflict isn't a happy one.

 

 

Take care.

 

 

Yes. Exactly.

 

I am working on that too. but it's not easy. It takes time I guess.

 

Thanks for reinforce the idea.

[Buddhist]

He suppresses his feelings big time. He tells me that he doesnt really feel any emotions. But when I told him that I love him (First time ever) he said it back to me. How is it possible?

 

People say stuff just because it's expected of them and they don't mean it at all. His actions are speaking for him, he's distant, doesn't initiate contact with you. How you think this is suppressing his feelings is beyond me. You are telling yourself what you want to believe, rather than looking at the reality of the situation. And no that isn't what love is, that's obsession. Love is reciprocal and love cares about your feelings.

[lovethyou]

So easy to judge a person by reading a few words. You people obviously dont know the nitty gritty details of anything. Im a strong independent woman who perhaps fell for the wrong guy. To sit behind your computer and call me obsessive is a stretch. Did i say I call him everyday? No. Because I didnt. for 6 months I texted him once in each month. thats it.

 

i made the DESPERATE attempt to feel better by writing in this pathetic forum and it was most definitely a huge mistake. Even replying right now is pathetic and UNLIKE me. But I fell hard for a man. and doing my best to move on. So quit being arseholes.

[Springsummer]

The cause of our suffering is attachment, as Buddhism says.

 

we are so habituated to attachments, it takes conscientious efforts to be non-attached.

[stillafool]

 

He suppresses his feelings big time. He tells me that he doesnt really feel any emotions. But when I told him that I love him (First time ever) he said it back to me. How is it possible? Does he love me. Am I wrong for trying to make it work. For me love is meaningful and I didnt say it for fun. I meant it.

 

 

He may love you as a friend, a person or just because you feed his ego. I've found that men who actually have had a romantic interest in me don't say "I love you" they say, "I'm in love with you".

[Gaeta]

So easy to judge a person by reading a few words. You people obviously dont know the nitty gritty details of anything. Im a strong independent woman who perhaps fell for the wrong guy. To sit behind your computer and call me obsessive is a stretch. Did i say I call him everyday? No. Because I didnt. for 6 months I texted him once in each month. thats it.

 

i made the DESPERATE attempt to feel better by writing in this pathetic forum and it was most definitely a huge mistake. Even replying right now is pathetic and UNLIKE me. But I fell hard for a man. and doing my best to move on. So quit being arseholes.

 

There was a man who did that to me once. He called each month without fail to try to convince me we were meant for each other. He was seen as sick from everyone around me. My friends and family pressured me to call the police as someone doing that can only have some deep controlling issues and is totally out of touch with reality.

 

If a bunch of people tell you what you did is not normal than maybe you should listen. What are the chances of 20 people being wrong and only you being right!

[eye of the storm]

Lovethou, the posters may seem harsh to you because your nerves might be a bit raw. What I read from them is they want you to look at your own words. If a friend of yours wrote them, what would you tell her?

 

Occasionally, when someone chases a person they are all hot and motivated. When they catch the object of their desire, it isn't any fun so they become distant. The person that was chased now is the one chasing.

 

In your case he chased you, you resisted. He caught you and then started the freeze. Now you are chasing him.

 

We (and I do include myself in this) will lie to ourselves to explain/excuse our actions. In your case it might be "I can't let this guy win my pride won't let me but that sounds wrong so I will tell myself I am in love" We often don't even realize we are lying to ourselves. We actually believe our lies. Which is often where we get the head and heart in conflict.

 

Listen to your head. It got you out after a month. It is trying to keep you out. I wish you luck.

[basil67]

Don't end a relationship if you want to work on it.

 

Conversely, when you do end a relationship because it's not working then it's time to leave that person in your past.

[Buddhist]

So easy to judge a person by reading a few words. You people obviously dont know the nitty gritty details of anything. Im a strong independent woman who perhaps fell for the wrong guy. To sit behind your computer and call me obsessive is a stretch. Did i say I call him everyday? No. Because I didnt. for 6 months I texted him once in each month. thats it.

 

We only have your words to go by. Go back and read your own post. It doesn't sound like love to me nor to any of the other 20 posters either. Here's what you actually said.

 

- I dated this guy for one month then dumped him.

- I initiated contact with him for the next 6 months.

- He doesn't reciprocate my feelings, why?

- Is this love?

 

To which everyone replied, no this is not love, it sounds like obsession. People are calling it as they see it. No we aren't privy to your every conversation and it's probably just as well. We aren't replaying stuff in our heads and convincing ourselves of a particular outcome. We're just just looking at the bigger picture of what you wrote which is you pursuing someone who obviously isn't interested and we can't for the life of us figure out why.