why do people start a relationship: love or another motivation?

[victoria88]

I have always thought that the main reason why two people have a relationship must be love.

 

Would you share your experiences? Are you in a relationship for love or for another reason? Do you start a relationship because you are in love or is there another reason why people start a relationship?

 

Thank you!

[niji]

I love philosophical discussions! (and also touching stories that make me believe in humanity because I'm quite a cynic ), so here goes.

 

Regardless of what relationship we're talking about (FWB, short-term, long-term, whichever), I believe people of any ages crave human connection and companionship. Anything that progresses to more than a ONS probably happened because they want more than just a fleeting encounter. That's why people want a relationship - to have someone consistent to turn to. Friends and families are great to share daily events with, but even they have their own problems and can't be expected to listen to you all the time - in this case, it's nice to know you have the one person to turn to when you need them. And then there's the basic human need of being connected to another person(s) sexually; this in turn bonds them into sexual companions. In this sense, both the "sexuality" and the "companionship" are satisfied.

 

Not all relationships are made from love, nor do they necessarily last because of love. I know plenty of couples (my grandparents' age and older) who got married through arrangement; they're together because that's what society dictates, because together they've built a family. They tolerate each other and get along OK; through times, who knows, maybe love developed between them, but it's not what started the relationship. They may not need love to make the relationship last, but that doesn't mean they're happy. I'm sure if given a choice, nobody would want to have an arranged marriage these days.

 

Some people start a relationship because they want offspring, specifically a "family" that includes offspring. I've heard women who told me they're not in love with their SO, but want to get married just so they can have kids (don't want to adopt). Heck, women have also told me they don't even need the guy to marry them but just want to be pregnant and can raise their child alone. These people have strong maternal instincts; a relationship without the possibility of offspring will not do for them.

 

As for me, I'm in a relationship for love; if there's no love, there's no point of one. I'm pretty poor at tolerating being around people I'm not compatible with - be it people of the same or opposite sex. Of course at work and in social circle, I put up with it for the sake of keeping my job and having a good work environment but in private, I only hang out with really good friends/people I can have an awesome time with; small talks kill me, having convos with 0 substance makes me feel extremely lonely. I also have mild anxiety having to meet strangers (in settings like bars, clubs, networking events); I've never taken meds for it - just tell myself to buckle down and deal with it. Once the conversations with strangers start I just get numb and carry on through the day, but being with other people (not close/loved ones) make me exhausted. So unless there's chemistry and the ability to have interesting conversation/matching personality, I simply cannot tolerate being next to another human being 24/7. If I don't love them/match their personality, being alone is much more tolerable for me.

Edited November 7, 2016 by niji

[utterer of lies]

Most people don't want to be alone.

[Gaeta]

People starts relationships for companionship, love, and support. Humans aren't meant to roam the earth on their own. We are people seeking the presence of others just like we seek to belong to a community, a group, a family, and finally a relationship. Companionship is a primal need. We need to be accepted, appreciated, loved and touched. People that are touched are happier, are less sick, have a stronger immune system, are more productive, etc. Babies that are touched have better developed brains, babies that aren't touched grow up with several deficiencies. It's a human need to have companionship.

[Buddhist]

It's very rarely about love, it's usually about wants, desires, obsessions. Real love is actually quite rare. Most people approach relationships from neediness and wanting someone else to fill their void, then get resentful when that doesn't happen.

[basil67]

I'm not sure where to go with your question.

 

You ask why do people *start* a relationship and then you ask about why people are *in* a relationship.

 

The underlying answer for both questions for me would be compatible companionship. But while love plays a part in the latter question, it's too early for love in the former.

[Gloria25]

It's simple...

 

"Biology"

 

So, unfortunately it drives us to want to mate, reproduce and not be alone.

[PrettyEmily77]

Some ideas:

 

why start a relationship

 

mutual attraction

lust

boredom

genuine connection you want to pursue

neediness

cultural habits / family pressure

social climbing

to fit in

 

 

why continue a relationship

 

genuine mutual feelings develop

vested interest (job in the family business / inheritance / maintain social image)

obligation (family pressure / children / financial constraints / abuse)

fear of loneliness

habit

[Larryville]

why do people start a relationship: love or another motivation?

 

Man I had to process this several times before answering. The me of 30 something years ago would have been in the “you must be in love for there to be a relationship” camp. However after saying that looking back on when I met my first wife, while I did fall for her instantly (she pushed all the buttons then) I was really NOT in love with her even on the day we married. She filled a critical void in my life back then, hence the “another motivation” reason for being with her.

 

I did grow to love her, she was a good wife for much of our marriage, but things dissolved as we both changed over the 14 years we were together.

 

It's very rarely about love, it's usually about wants, desires, obsessions. Real love is actually quite rare. Most people approach relationships from neediness and wanting someone else to fill their void, then get resentful when that doesn't happen.

 

Yup

 

Was me upon meeting wife number two, (she pushed all the buttons) Was more invested with her because she had many of the qualities wife #1 did not have. But as stated was about MY wants and desires.

 

You ask why do people *start* a relationship and then you ask about why people are *in* a relationship. The underlying answer for both questions for me would be compatible companionship. But while love plays a part in the latter question, it's too early for love in the former.

 

It took some time for love to develop with both. However to START the relationship I fundamentally had to believe that I could get there (love) with each of them.

 

As for me, I'm in a relationship for love; if there's no love, there's no point of one. I'm pretty poor at tolerating being around people I'm not compatible with.

 

unless there's chemistry and the ability to have interesting conversation/matching personality, I simply cannot tolerate being next to another human being 24/7. If I don't love them/match their personality, being alone is much more tolerable for me.

 

I’ve said here many times those that I meet now I use both wives as blueprints and I’m frankly not coming close to finding a woman who fits my mental blueprint. As said above I am far less tolerant now and I am far more selfish than ever before.

 

I know I won’t ever fall in love again. A few women I have been with said the L word and I reciprocated but was fake as a $3 bill.

 

I think damn near everyone these days are far too selfish and are only into satisfying their own needs and desires. Very few people have the true desire to be with a true partner and build a real solid relationship.

 

As I sit here and type this out, do I really have the desire to be in a real cohesive “loving “relationship? Depends on what time of day you ask me.

 

I just think the quest is an almost impossible one. Someone absolutely amazing would have to be dropped out of the sky, kinda like playing the lottery most of us know we won’t win, but we keep playing because we enjoy the temporary dream of what to do with the winnings.

 

I know this was clear as mud but in one of my conflicted moods today, post B-Day moodiness