ExpatInItaly Posted December 19, 2016 Posted December 19, 2016 (edited) A bit of tough love: You're actively participating in your own misery. You refuse to block what is clearly a very toxic person. If you won't take the necessary steps to make real change, then you have nobody to blame but yourself, OP. You have been treated badly, yes. But you are doing almost nothing to change that dynamic right now. What I have noticed is that every suggestion as to how you can help yourself is met with refusal to do actually do so. You have a lot of excuses, a lot of reasons why our advice simply won't help. You are unhappy but have grown too comfortable in that position. You're not willing to help yourself in any way, it appears. Instead, you're waiting for a man to fix it. But you attract all the wrong men and then wonder why they keep treating you like this. This latest man is just an an example of how you are drawn to manipulators and refuse to enforce appropriate boundaries. Nobody can help you if you won't help yourself. So, what do you expect to happen? How do you envision this situation unfolding? What do you view as your role in this, or do you feel it's all the guy's fault? I mean those as sincere questions. Edited December 19, 2016 by ExpatInItaly 1
eightytwenty Posted December 19, 2016 Posted December 19, 2016 I Feel for you, when you say that you were picked on as a child? BUT, mostly everyone was. Heck I was removed from one school for how bad it was. But It's school, kids are mean to each other. I got over it after I was out of high school. You need to move past that. You are depressed because your life is going, NOWHERE. Quit meeting guys online, find real people in your town to be around. Go places, quit staring at the computer finding people to connect with. Find a HOBBY! I really think depression for things like this, is that your mind isn't getting what it needs mentally. Sitting there listening to a crazy Person from Poland isn't helping either. So help yourself, get away from negative crazy people, find something to do. You don't need a man, you need to find yourself or you going to find a real live jerk that is as crazy as the online people.
Author batjokes92 Posted December 19, 2016 Author Posted December 19, 2016 (edited) A bit of tough love: You're actively participating in your own misery. You refuse to block what is clearly a very toxic person. If you won't take the necessary steps to make real change, then you have nobody to blame but yourself, OP. You have been treated badly, yes. But you are doing almost nothing to change that dynamic right now. What I have noticed is that every suggestion as to how you can help yourself is met with refusal to do actually do so. You have a lot of excuses, a lot of reasons why our advice simply won't help. You are unhappy but have grown too comfortable in that position. You're not willing to help yourself in any way, it appears. Instead, you're waiting for a man to fix it. But you attract all the wrong men and then wonder why they keep treating you like this. This latest man is just an an example of how you are drawn to manipulators and refuse to enforce appropriate boundaries. Nobody can help you if you won't help yourself. So, what do you expect to happen? How do you envision this situation unfolding? What do you view as your role in this, or do you feel it's all the guy's fault? I mean those as sincere questions. Last April I got involved with a local guy. I told my online friend about him and he got angry and that's around the time where the communication stopped. So I guess maybe it's my fault that he's not talking to me anymore but he shouldn't be upset that I was trying to date locally if he's not going to commit to me. The local guy turned out to be a total loser who only wanted me for an occasional booty call. I also found out that he was still living with his ex.I told him if he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me then he should stop contacting me because I wasn't interested in being treated like a whore. He refused but still would not leave me be. I ignored his texts until one night he told me he "loved me" and wanted a relationship with me. I gave him a chance to prove himself (via text, I did not meet up with him) but he quickly reverted back to his disgusting and disrespectful behaviour. He stopped trying once he realized he wasn't going to get what he wanted and I blocked him. I wasn't emotionally attached to him (miraculously) so I was not hurt. I think I practiced using safe boundaries in this situation. Edited December 19, 2016 by batjokes92
eightytwenty Posted December 19, 2016 Posted December 19, 2016 The local guy turned out to be a total loser who only wanted me for an occasional booty call. I also found out that he was still living with his ex.I told him if he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me then he should stop contacting me because I wasn't interested in being treated like a whore. He refused but still would not leave me be. I ignored his texts until one night he told me he "loved me" and wanted a relationship with me. I gave him a chance to prove himself (via text, I did not meet up with him) but he quickly reverted back to his disgusting and disrespectful behaviour. Wow, and you wonder why you are treated bad by guys?
Author batjokes92 Posted December 19, 2016 Author Posted December 19, 2016 (edited) Wow, and you wonder why you are treated bad by guys? It wasn't anything I did. It was all him. What else was I supposed to do? Edited December 19, 2016 by batjokes92
eightytwenty Posted December 19, 2016 Posted December 19, 2016 It wasn't anything I did. It was all him. Ummm, Yes you did. First, you didn't block him, then you gave him a "second chance". You gave someone that lives with his ex ( I doubt it's really his ex), that is disgusting and disrespectful, You realize a lot of people like that don't change? You create your own drama by allowing people like this in your life, repeatedly. 1
Author batjokes92 Posted December 19, 2016 Author Posted December 19, 2016 Ummm, Yes you did. First, you didn't block him, then you gave him a "second chance". You gave someone that lives with his ex ( I doubt it's really his ex), that is disgusting and disrespectful, You realize a lot of people like that don't change? You create your own drama by allowing people like this in your life, repeatedly. I really didn't even like the guy. Besides, he was the only person to ask me out in a year. I really do think I just attract this type.
eightytwenty Posted December 19, 2016 Posted December 19, 2016 I really didn't even like the guy. Besides, he was the only person to ask me out in a year. I really do think I just attract this type. Do you have any hobbies that you would be around others? And everyone attracts jerks, just most people weed through them pretty easy and move on. Because you think you aren't good enough you try with this "characters" and it doesn't get better. 1
Author batjokes92 Posted December 19, 2016 Author Posted December 19, 2016 Do you have any hobbies that you would be around others? And everyone attracts jerks, just most people weed through them pretty easy and move on. Because you think you aren't good enough you try with this "characters" and it doesn't get better. I like painting. I don't really have other hobbies besides reading and painting. I enjoy my alone time a lot and it prevents me from leaving the house too much.
eightytwenty Posted December 19, 2016 Posted December 19, 2016 I like painting. I don't really have other hobbies besides reading and painting. I enjoy my alone time a lot and it prevents me from leaving the house too much. Go out and paint. Go to a class or go to a place that group paints. Getting out and seeing the world will help, being locked up at home you are missing out on so much.
Author batjokes92 Posted January 17, 2017 Author Posted January 17, 2017 (edited) Just wanted to update, he reached out to me... Two weeks ago I lost my phone so I posted to my facebook wall asking for my contacts to private message me their number so I don't loose them. He commented "Awwww. I'm sorry, dear. Would you like my british number as well?" I was kind of shocked to see his comment. I said "Sure" and he PM'd me his number. The next morning I got a message saying "you called me? :)" I said "No that wasn't me. I don't have a number right now." He didn't respond, so my friend told me that I should try flirting with him a bit. I said "but I lost all the photo's I had saved up of you, how tragic" He says "Awww ****. That's unacceptable" I said "So you gonna hook me up then?" He said "nah. I'm ugly. I got beat up recently" I said "Oh no what happened?" "My roommate attacked me when I complained about his alcohol problem" I said "Wouldn't of happened if you were living with me. But seriously, if you're still living with him you need to get out." He said "He is leaving in 3 weeks. And I cannot decode you. Are you being sarcastic?" I said "no why would you think that?" He then asked me for my skype info. We chatted on skype for another 10 minutes. It was awkward small talk. Then 2 days later he messaged me again saying "I've been thinking. If you marry a citizen of European Union and not of a particular country will it allow you to function as a legal resident of a country included in EU? Creepy question. I know. It's not like I'm looking for a wife. I'm looking for ways to turn potential partner into a legal resident. Not a tourist." I was confused and suspicious so I asked "I don't know, why are you asking me?" He said "Just, can't explain why. I'm being attacked by ****ed up feelings and ideas." I then got the courage to ask him why he hasn't talked to me in 4 months. His excuse was "I've been silent to nearly everyone I know. I can't explain why. It's like my social life and attitude towards people I know got hibernated due to overwhelming work and plans. I just got my own flat, I feel like I'm stable now. And I started to talk to people again." I replied "All right. If you say so." He said "I know it looks ****ty. but I never forgot or ignored you. I just experienced such a turn in my life for the first time" I didn't know how to reply to that, then 3 days later I decided to send him a link to a video I thought he would like but he didn't reply. I know I'm not handling this very well at all.. I really don't like it when someone you feel a close connection with stops talking to you for almost 5 months. I probably shouldn't have mentioned it but I wanted an honest answer. I still really like him and want to talk to him but my feelings toward him are all mixed now. I don't even know how to keep a conversation going with him anymore. Try as I may, everything just comes out wrong. Edited January 17, 2017 by batjokes92
Nadine123 Posted January 17, 2017 Posted January 17, 2017 its unbelievable the amount of drama and bull**** you are allowing into your life.
Author batjokes92 Posted January 17, 2017 Author Posted January 17, 2017 (edited) I'm not the one looking for drama, I'm simply looking for a man to get to know. Now could you offer some helpful advice maybe? Edited January 17, 2017 by batjokes92
Nadine123 Posted January 17, 2017 Posted January 17, 2017 well you still havent blocked him and is engaging with him so yes, you are allowing the drama. Read many articles online on self respect, they will help alot
ExpatInItaly Posted January 17, 2017 Posted January 17, 2017 I'm not the one looking for drama, I'm simply looking for a man to get to know. Now could you offer some helpful advice maybe? You've been offered advice on this thread. And yes, you are very much enabling this drama - willingly and actively participating in it, actually. If you are hoping that someone here will give you tips on how to keep this loon's interest, then I'm afraid you've come to the wrong place. I highly doubt anyone here is going to help you to further engage in this situation. Because in the end, that's really what you're after, isn't it?
Author batjokes92 Posted January 22, 2017 Author Posted January 22, 2017 (edited) You've been offered advice on this thread. And yes, you are very much enabling this drama - willingly and actively participating in it, actually. If you are hoping that someone here will give you tips on how to keep this loon's interest, then I'm afraid you've come to the wrong place. I highly doubt anyone here is going to help you to further engage in this situation. Because in the end, that's really what you're after, isn't it? I'll be blunt with my answer: Yeah, pretty much. Does that make me a bad person? Anyway, I understand your frustration in this thread. I'm just afraid. This is the only man who has ever expressed an interest in one day forming a relationship with me. All other men I have dated locally only wanted me for a fling, they were superficial. This person and I were friends for a year. When things went wrong in my dating life, he had my back, when things went south for his relationship I had his. There was nothing physical (of course), it was an emotional connection. I felt that I was finally being appreciated, really SEEN for the first time. I feel like I'm at a stalemate. I'm afraid to get out there and try dating. I've been hurt so many times I've lost count and I still have never had a relationship. I am unable to trust any man after the **** I've been through. I find I get too emotionally attached and I really want to protect myself from having this same thing happen to me all over again. So I guess that's why I cling to this fantasy I have with this online guy. Edited January 22, 2017 by batjokes92
ExpatInItaly Posted January 22, 2017 Posted January 22, 2017 I'll be blunt with my answer: Yeah, pretty much. Does that make me a bad person? Anyway, I understand your frustration in this thread. I'm just afraid. This is the only man who has ever expressed an interest in one day forming a relationship with me. All other men I have dated locally only wanted me for a fling, they were superficial. This person and I were friends for a year. When things went wrong in my dating life, he had my back, when things went south for his relationship I had his. There was nothing physical (of course), it was an emotional connection. I felt that I was finally being appreciated, really SEEN for the first time. I feel like I'm at a stalemate. I'm afraid to get out there and try dating. I've been hurt so many times I've lost count and I still have never had a relationship. I am unable to trust any man after the **** I've been through. So I guess that's why I cling to this fantasy I have with this online guy. No, but it means you're not going to get what you're looking for here. Noobdy here is going to give you suggestions on how to continue this toxic and dysfunctional relationship. Many of us - myself included - have been through some awful situations with boyfriends or assorted men, too. You're certainly not alone there. But your refusal to help yourself is only keeping you stuck. We've also been able to determine that the real problem lies in your low self-worth. Until you address that, your misfortune with men won't change. You'll continue clinging desperately to men who are never going to give you what you are seeking. It's not like this weirdo from Poland (and yes, he is a weirdo) will suddenly become a normal and healthy person and fly over and marry you. It's not going to happen. You can decide if you want to help yourself. If you don't, then there is really nothing anyone here can help you with either. You have more or less refuted and argued against every suggestion given to you in this thread, so I'm not sure what it is you hope to gain from this.
Author batjokes92 Posted January 22, 2017 Author Posted January 22, 2017 No, but it means you're not going to get what you're looking for here. Noobdy here is going to give you suggestions on how to continue this toxic and dysfunctional relationship. Many of us - myself included - have been through some awful situations with boyfriends or assorted men, too. You're certainly not alone there. But your refusal to help yourself is only keeping you stuck. We've also been able to determine that the real problem lies in your low self-worth. Until you address that, your misfortune with men won't change. You'll continue clinging desperately to men who are never going to give you what you are seeking. It's not like this weirdo from Poland (and yes, he is a weirdo) will suddenly become a normal and healthy person and fly over and marry you. It's not going to happen. You can decide if you want to help yourself. If you don't, then there is really nothing anyone here can help you with either. You have more or less refuted and argued against every suggestion given to you in this thread, so I'm not sure what it is you hope to gain from this. How do I fix my low self worth? I've been seeing therapists and concealers for years now and nothing helps. The only thing that helps is attention from men. I know it sounds bad, but it's the truth. Yet still, I would never ghost someone. Never have and never will. This "weirdo" comes back into my life with the line "Awwww. I'm sorry, dear" "did you call me :)" "I know it sounds ****ty but I never forgot or ignored you" and now he won't talk to me. I'm just so angry. The whole reason we became friends in the first place was because he said he would never be the type to do such a thing to a girl. This ghosting and reappearing act happens to me with every man I date and it hurts like hell. At this point, I kind of want to yell at him. Do you think I should? I think that unloading on him might help garner a feeling of control and self respect.
Nadine123 Posted January 22, 2017 Posted January 22, 2017 How do I fix my low self worth? I've been seeing therapists and concealers for years now and nothing helps. The only thing that helps is attention from men. I know it sounds bad, but it's the truth. Yet still, I would never ghost someone. Never have and never will. This "weirdo" comes back into my life with the line "Awwww. I'm sorry, dear" "did you call me :)" "I know it sounds ****ty but I never forgot or ignored you" and now he won't talk to me. I'm just so angry. The whole reason we became friends in the first place was because he said he would never be the type to do such a thing to a girl. This ghosting and reappearing act happens to me with every man I date and it hurts like hell. At this point, I kind of want to yell at him. Do you think I should? I think that unloading on him might help garner a feeling of control and self respect. No it wont. It will make you look pathetic and desperate. why is he not blocked again?
ExpatInItaly Posted January 22, 2017 Posted January 22, 2017 How do I fix my low self worth? I've been seeing therapists and concealers for years now and nothing helps. The only thing that helps is attention from men. I know it sounds bad, but it's the truth. Yet still, I would never ghost someone. Never have and never will. This "weirdo" comes back into my life with the line "Awwww. I'm sorry, dear" "did you call me :)" "I know it sounds ****ty but I never forgot or ignored you" and now he won't talk to me. I'm just so angry. The whole reason we became friends in the first place was because he said he would never be the type to do such a thing to a girl. This ghosting and reappearing act happens to me with every man I date and it hurts like hell. At this point, I kind of want to yell at him. Do you think I should? I think that unloading on him might help garner a feeling of control and self respect. You're still interfering in your own progress by hanging on to guys like this. You can't really expect results from therapy when you're taking counter-productive measures and getting involved in toxic situations. That's like going to AA but still drinking, and wondering why AA isn't working. You're standing in your own way. And no, I don't think yelling at him will help. You are still seeking solutions for your difficult emotions in this guy, which has to stop. You cannot fix internal problems externally. He has shown you over and over that he doesn't really give a crap about you and that he's very unstable, yet you are expecting a different result and getting angry and hurt when you don't get it. If you want to make any improvement for yourself, you have to stop expecting stability and love from unstable and uncaring men.
Author batjokes92 Posted January 22, 2017 Author Posted January 22, 2017 No it wont. It will make you look pathetic and desperate. why is he not blocked again? Well, I feel like even if I did block him he would still "win". He'll know the reason I blocked him was because I had feelings for him and he'll feel superior. If I blocked him he would still be able to see a lot of my activity online via my blog which I KNOW he's checking. I've blocked guys in the past who did the same thing but it still didn't help me forget them. I'm always going to wonder how he's doing in life if I decide to sever ties.
Author batjokes92 Posted January 22, 2017 Author Posted January 22, 2017 Then 2 days later he messaged me again saying "I've been thinking. If you marry a citizen of European Union and not of a particular country will it allow you to function as a legal resident of a country included in EU? Creepy question. I know. It's not like I'm looking for a wife. I'm looking for ways to turn potential partner into a legal resident. Not a tourist." I was confused and suspicious so I asked "I don't know, why are you asking me?" He said "Just, can't explain why. I'm being attacked by ****ed up feelings and ideas." And I really want to know what he ment when he said this. Why he couldn't give me a straight answer as to why he was asking me this question. He could have been talking about me, his ex, some new person. Mind game city.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 22, 2017 Posted January 22, 2017 Well, I feel like even if I did block him he would still "win". He'll know the reason I blocked him was because I had feelings for him and he'll feel superior. If I blocked him he would still be able to see a lot of my activity online via my blog which I KNOW he's checking. I've blocked guys in the past who did the same thing but it still didn't help me forget them. I'm always going to wonder how he's doing in life if I decide to sever ties. This is where you need to do some introspection. What does he win? Why does that matter to you?
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