Here I go being dramatic

[batjokes92]

So I am in a horrible depression right now and this morning has been particularly bad. I need to share my story, maybe writing it down will help somehow.

 

When I was 21 years old I went on my first date ever. All my life I have been a hopeless romantic but boys never seemed to be taken by me in anyway when I was in highschool. I was picked on all my life for my looks, i was a wallflower and still am. I met this guy through mutual acquaintances and he asked one day to take me out for coffee. I was so excited because this was going to be my first date ever! I noticed right away that he was coming on a little too strong but I relished the attention.

 

We went out about 3 times before he tried to get me into bed with him. I tried to be strong and I refused the first couple of times but eventually I gave in. He didn't take my virginity but we did get pretty intimate with each other. After I went to bed with him he started to ignore me. I continued to text him, trying not to seem too eager but eventually. He rejected me. Said he couldn't date anyone "right now" because it was "too soon" for him.

 

I was in shock. I remember the feeling. I was numb for about 2 days, then the pain began. We remained Facebook friends for two years. (Looking back now I know it was an awful decision to keep him as a friend for that long) All this time I was completely and utterly obsessed with him. He kept me hooked by texting me once every few months telling me he missed me "a little" but not making any plans to meet. Liking almost all of my fb posts and boasting about how he was getting laid on his fb profile! He kept me on the back burner for 2 years. He made me miserable.

 

This was until I met my online friend from Poland. We met on tumblr. He came to me because he saw I was in pain and thought he could help. He reassured me that this boy was not worth my time. He made me feel good about myself again and was somewhat of a mentor to me. He changed my perception and view on him and he gave me the courage to block his number and fb profile. I was finally moving on.

 

This was until my online friend decided to tell me he had a crush on me. At the time he was already in a LDR with a woman from the USA so he told me he didn't want it to "escalate". I was happy to remain his friend and support him through his struggle but he kept flirting with me. He would contact me everyday just to chat or to talk about his relationship problems. I can honestly say that I fell in love with him. And he even told me that he loved me on more than one occasion. But he warned me that he was a bad person. That he is manipulative. That he is a "helper and a predator in one" and that he had thoughts of hurting me.

 

I was terrified. But, foolishly, I was intrigued. His gf broke up with him and he became suicidal. Sending me pictures of his wrists slit, telling me he was going to kill himself. Every time he did this I was in tears. I would message him asking if he was ok and sometimes he'd leave me in suspense for 3 days! Me thinking he was dead I would have panic attacks. Once he got better he'd continue his flirting and happy chats with me.

 

He once told me that the only thing keeping him alive was me and his plan to move to the UK and that I was the only person he talked to because he was a recluse living with his mother in her attic (I **** you not ok) He expressed a desire for me to move in with him and become his roommate once he moved to the UK but I told him I had no way of making this happen.

 

You're probably thinking this guy is a catfish or something but he's not. I've talked to his gf online before and I've seen plenty of pictures of them both together and apart. He is still upset by the break up after it had occurred one year ago already, (they've only been together for 3years before this) still trying to win her back.. It hurts me because it makes me feel like I must not be good enough for him. Our conversations became shorter and more awkward.

 

We haven't spoken in 3 months now, and I miss him. I don't miss the rude behaviour and the threats of suicide, I miss the good chats we had before. I miss his intelligent insight, I miss having him as a companion. He made me feel loved, like I mattered, and now he makes me feel like an object who is unworthy of his time. I see him log onto Skype EVERY DAY but he will never say hi. 3 MONTHS. OF. THIS! 3 months of pretending not to care when he is the only thing I care about. But I'm used to harbouring feelings this way. It might be torture for other women but for me it is average stuff. The problem is that these one sided love afairs are all I have.

 

I don't know how to move on. All the other men I've dated have been the same. Will act very interested for a few weeks but will cancel dates at the last minute, will tell me that they just want sex from me, not a relationship. I've lost my virginity in the process. I won't mention that story because, ironically, he didn't really effect me the way these two men did. It's gotten so bad that I don't want to leave my house. I see the way men look at me, like I'm a piece of meat, a warm hole, a toy to be used and discarded when they have finished with me. I am loosing hope. Every second of every day I think of my polish friend. I monitor his activity on Skype and Facebook. It's pathetic but I'm obsessive. I've always been this way. I've always liked being this way.. I am sick just like him. We are fatalist romantics who feed off of each other to survive.

 

I am 24 now and I've still never had a relationship. I haven't met one man who is worthy of the "boyfriend" title. Or maybe. It's me who isn't worthy of being anyone's serious romantic partner. If just once someone would give me the chance, I know I could be the best girlfriend in the world to a man who truly cares.

Edited November 16, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~6

[Toodaloo]

Drama...

 

They have got a reaction out of you by creating dramas...

 

This isn't romance. This isn't even real life.

 

Get some therapy.

[batjokes92]

Drama...

 

They have got a reaction out of you by creating dramas...

 

This isn't romance. This isn't even real life.

 

Get some therapy.

 

Thanks.

 

I'm seeing 2 different therapists right now by the way.

[Toodaloo]

Thanks.

 

I'm seeing 2 different therapists right now by the way.

 

Keep at it... Any reason why two?

 

The question you should be asking yourself is why are you attracted to all this drama in the first place. Is life really that dull?

 

There is nothing romantic about dramas... Nothing at all.

 

Roses and flowers, meals out, meals in walks and hand holding are all romantic... not emailing guys who live so far away you only get to see them via a computer screen...

 

Time for a bit of reality here. Quit the Mills and Boon novels...

[fromheart]

Online is really not the best way to get a relationship going, I'd advise to not connect with people that way.

 

Getting a good relationship going is a struggle for most of us, you're not alone in that. But don't take it as a reflection that there is something wrong with you.

 

Its good that you're having a therapist and working on yourself, maybe go without relationships for now while you are healing. There's plenty of fun and considerably less drama when you're single. They key thing to remember is that you are only as happy with someone, as you are when you are alone.

 

Cultivate self happiness, and all will fall into place.

[batjokes92]

Keep at it... Any reason why two?

 

The question you should be asking yourself is why are you attracted to all this drama in the first place. Is life really that dull?

 

There is nothing romantic about dramas... Nothing at all.

 

Roses and flowers, meals out, meals in walks and hand holding are all romantic... not emailing guys who live so far away you only get to see them via a computer screen...

 

Time for a bit of reality here. Quit the Mills and Boon novels...

 

2 because I've been seeing the first one for a year now and she hasn't been helping much. I only see her once a month, I don't know why I still go to be honest. And the second I just started going to a few months ago. I see her once a week. She's much better but I still feel stuck.

 

I don't know why I'm attracted to "drama" as you say. Yes, I feel my life is boring. I live alone, have a decent job as a graphic designer but I don't have a lot of friends since they've all moved to bigger metropolitan city's.

 

This just seems to be the the type of men I attract. The charismatic ones who lay it on thick in the beginning then slip the rug out from beneath me when they see I've "caught feelings". Or just want to keep using me without a "title". It's a pattern with every guy I've ever dated.

Edited November 7, 2016 by batjokes92

[Toodaloo]

2 because I've been seeing the first one for a year now and she hasn't been helping much. I only see her once a month, I don't know why I still go to be honest. And the second I just started going to a few months ago. I see her once a week. She's much better but I still feel stuck.

 

I don't know why I'm attracted to "drama" as you say. Yes, I feel my life is boring. I live alone, have a decent job as a graphic designer but I don't have a lot of friends since they've all moved to bigger metropolitan city's.

 

This just seems to be the the type of men I attract. The charismatic ones who lay it on thick in the beginning then slip the rug out from beneath me when they see I've "caught feelings". It's a pattern with every guy I've ever dated.

 

If its not working after a year and you feel no benefit then stop going. Waste of money. Stick with the one you feel you are progressing with.

 

If life is dull then do something about it. I don't mean go out and find weird me I mean go out and find some excitement, something you enjoy. Dancing, kung fu, boxing lessons, tennis, running clubs, pottery, painting, dramatics clubs... the list is endless. All of those things are far more fun and fulfilling than developing quasi relationships with random guys who have serious mental health issues on line.

 

Also read up on boundaries. Natalie Lue does some good books. Google her and take a look.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, do your therapists know about your attachment to this guy in Poland? If so, what do they make of it? If not, you need to tell them. Heck, print out what you wrote here and take it to them.

 

The bottom line is the Polish guy is an unstable and manipulative person. What you are describing isn't fatal romance. It's unhealthy co-dependency. When you begin to heal and reframe your thinking, you will see that.

 

The good thing is that you are still quite young. It is still possible to make some big changes in your life and turn things around.

[batjokes92]

OP, do your therapists know about your attachment to this guy in Poland? If so, what do they make of it? If not, you need to tell them. Heck, print out what you wrote here and take it to them.

 

The bottom line is the Polish guy is an unstable and manipulative person. What you are describing isn't fatal romance. It's unhealthy co-dependency. When you begin to heal and reframe your thinking, you will see that.

 

The good thing is that you are still quite young. It is still possible to make some big changes in your life and turn things around.

 

They both know about him but neither of them really offer much helpful advice. They don't tell me to keep talking to him but they don't tell me to stay away from him either. I wish there was a way for me to get over him. I've tried dating someone despite my social anxiety but my attachment to him is too strong.

[ExpatInItaly]

You can begin your healing by deleting him from Skype, Facebook and other platform you two shared.

 

You really need to do this in order to get over him. If you don't, then every other effort you make will be pointless because you're still giving yourself access to him.

[batjokes92]

You can begin your healing by deleting him from Skype, Facebook and other platform you two shared.

 

You really need to do this in order to get over him. If you don't, then every other effort you make will be pointless because you're still giving yourself access to him.

 

I don't think I can just block him from social media. If I did he'd still be able to check my tumblr (which I know for a fact he still does because he changed his Skype name to a reference to a joke I made on my blog, complicated but just thought I'd make the point he still checks up on me and wants me to know it). He used to come online on skype every day at random moments but just last week I decided to go "invisible" (because he's my only contact and he never reaches out anymore so I figured what's the point in going "online") so, after a few days he followed suit.

 

I keep thinking it's my fault that he doesn't reach out because he once mentioned that he barely maintains any friendships relationships and the reason why is because he has aspugers. But I don't want to continue to reach out to him if he's just going to hurt me. (He's also a self proclaimed narsisist and said he lacks empathy but I ignored the red flags when we started talking because I thought he was super interesting and was really trying to help me.)

 

It will be hard to keep him out of my head because he used to be the only person I could turn to when I was lonely. He saw in me what I wanted others to see in me, he really made me feel special.. I've had to block someone before (2 years ago) for the same reasons, he had a grip on my mind and he knew it, but i was still unable to completely move on. Who's to say the same thing won't happen with this guy?

 

I really don't understand why guys keep doing this type of ****. Why do they keep me on the back burner when I clearly love them and they clearly have interest in me too? It's frustrating to always be in this type of situation.

Edited November 17, 2016 by batjokes92

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, in all kindness, you need to get offline and get out in the real world and make connections. See boys in your area.

 

Attaching yourself to a man you have never met and in all likelihood never will meet is terribly unhealthy. Especially one as mentally unstable as the one i Poland. It's not love.

 

You say these guys keep putting you on the backburner. But what you need to realize is that you are an active participant in that. He does it because, well, you let him. None of this would be possible without your tacit consent. So while he is out living his life and dating real people and having fun...you are not. That isn't his fault.

 

You can take control of your life and this dysfunctional situation. Start by deleting him. Yes, you can. There is no reason to keep him around on social media. You need to stop using him to validate you. He can't. Nobody else can do that but you.

 

If you won't, then this will continue. It really is that simple. You're not a victim. I say that not to be a jerk, but to point out that you have a lot more power here than you believe. Stop allowing some random guy you met online to play with your feelings.

 

And lastly, if your therapists really see no issue with your attachment to this guy - then I suggest you find new therapists. Honestly. Don't waste your money on people who cannot see what is clearly a huge source of distress for you. You deserve a lot more than that!

[EveryWomanJ2911]

I can understand that you are frustrated, lonley, and tired of potential relationships ending up in dissappointment. If you would like someone to talk to and some info to read about how to discover what is behind the loneliness, I can share some helpful info with you via personal message. What I didn't realize is that my loneliness was never going to be fixed by someone else, but that I needed to have that need met in myself first. And all my attempts to find another person to satiate my constant hunger for needing to be known and seen by others was because of my own heart not being healed and healthy.

 

I looked for love from others to heal my hurts in life, and that just lead to others taking advantage of me in various ways. Boyfriends, friends, and family members would manipulate me, use me, and exploit my need for connection to fend off depression and loneliness. And if I did happen to meet someone healthy with the potential for a good relationship, I couldn't recognize it myself because I was unhealthy in my heart and soul. I had to find out why I was so VERY lonely, and why it was never satiated. Once I healed from that issue, I could see the world in a new light, and begin to be a healthy person who could recognize other healthy people who shared my values and relationship goals. And that's when I courted/dated my husband.

 

Things can work out for you in life. We all could use some help to get ourselves to a good place. I hope you get some positive guidance from your counselor(s). If not, there are a lot of free resources out there. In today's information age you can make solid progress with finding local free support groups in person, and counseling via phone or in person as well. Getting into a solid local community also helps. Going to classes at schools, churches, universities, etc. can be very encouraging and new opportunities to make friends once you have healed. You can do this! I'm praying for you friend.

 

~Blessings and Peace

[Cheryl11111111111111]

Jose, listen to your friends. I am not your friend! I never ever will be. I will never care if your no in my life. I do not like you!

[batjokes92]

OP, in all kindness, you need to get offline and get out in the real world and make connections. See boys in your area.

 

Attaching yourself to a man you have never met and in all likelihood never will meet is terribly unhealthy. Especially one as mentally unstable as the one i Poland. It's not love.

 

You say these guys keep putting you on the backburner. But what you need to realize is that you are an active participant in that. He does it because, well, you let him. None of this would be possible without your tacit consent. So while he is out living his life and dating real people and having fun...you are not. That isn't his fault.

 

You can take control of your life and this dysfunctional situation. Start by deleting him. Yes, you can. There is no reason to keep him around on social media. You need to stop using him to validate you. He can't. Nobody else can do that but you.

 

If you won't, then this will continue. It really is that simple. You're not a victim. I say that not to be a jerk, but to point out that you have a lot more power here than you believe. Stop allowing some random guy you met online to play with your feelings.

 

And lastly, if your therapists really see no issue with your attachment to this guy - then I suggest you find new therapists. Honestly. Don't waste your money on people who cannot see what is clearly a huge source of distress for you. You deserve a lot more than that!

 

So I went to Toronto this weekend to visit my best friend who I haven't seen since September. He knows about my online "relationship" and asked how things were going. I told him we haven't spoken in months but I let him in on the last conversation we had. I told him about how he told me he isn't mentally alright and that he suddenly has thoughts of rape because he is so sexually frustrated. My friend freaked out and told me to cease contact with him. He told me to never even bring him up again because he was sick and twisted and he doesn't want to hear that I still converse with him/think of him. He assured me that he cares too much for my well being to ever allow me to meet this man. So I guess he put things into perspective for me.

 

Just a note, I know this guy from Poland isn't dating or having fun because he's constantly sulking on Facebook about how he's lonely, how his new apartment is too small to fit a roommate and posting sarcastic notes like "everything is hunky mother ****ing dory right now" like what grown up posts like this on social media!? Yikes.

 

But how can I not allow myself to fall on the back burner for these guys? They all do this so how can I not allow it? No one has ever put me first in dating. Sure, maybe they do when we first meet maybe for a few weeks but they quickly loose interest after I get comfortable (not always after sex) Some seem to only want sex from me and they talk to me like I'm some kind of object. It's really degrading and makes me not want to "put myself out there".

[ExpatInItaly]

First of all, I hope you enjoyed your time in Toronto! I am a Torontonian too, though I have lived abroad for the past few years now.

 

Your friend is right about this Polish guy. Him talking about rape is deeply disturbing and it's not someone you should be associating with. Please, cut ties with him. His behaviour is not normal, and there is just flat-out something very wrong with him. It is completely irrelevant if he is dating; he's displaying enough red flags that you shouldn't even be trying to talk to him at all. I don't even know the guy and I can tell you there is no way in hell I'd be communicating with him.

 

As for not allowing men to treat you this way, you first need to redefine what love means to you. It seems to me that you are willing to become emotionally dependent on a guy who gives you attention, even if that is unhealthy attention. It doesn't appear to matter that this particular man has a boatload of mental issues that would send most women running. It isn't wise to try to take pity on and "love" a guy like this. You can't "love" him out of his issues, and you shouldn't try. Love is not about enabling bad behaviour, and you certainly shouldn't expect to be rewarded (ie. loved back) for it. Men like him just don't care enough.

 

I think you also need to work on improving your self-esteem. We all want love and to feel valued. But searching for it from unhealthy sources like this man is a recipe for disaster. By fostering a better self-image, you will be able to weed out the guys who are in your life for the wrong reasons. Without realizing it, you probably attract a certain type of guy - the type who senses that you don't have many boundaries, so he can take advantage of you. I don't mean that as a criticism, by the way. I think having stronger boundaries will help you immensely, and good self-esteem will allow you to feel comfortable being single and help you avoid turning to some random guy to feel good about yourself.

 

Most importantly, meet men in real life. Online guys can easily use you for attention and affection and then bail when someone local catches their eye. Chatting with a guy halfway around the world is very unwise, as you don't have a real relationship and probably won't ever meet. You're setting yourself up for disappointment because the person on the other side of that computer monitor doesn't have any real connection to you.

[batjokes92]

(post deleted)

Edited December 6, 2016 by batjokes92

[batjokes92]

I deleted this post earlier but I need help so I will repost it. What love means to me. Right now it means being a provider, a best friend to someone. I want to support my boyfriend and make him feel as happy as he makes me feel. I want him to challenge me. I want to be with someone who is intelligent, someone who can teach me more about the world and more about myself, someone who moves me on a spiritual level. I feel like I have felt that with him... I've become more self aware in knowing him. We see the world in a similar light, in a way, we both struggle with the same problems.. he made me stronger. I've never met anyone so deep and so creative. He's the closest thing I've felt for love in my life so far..

 

On Valentine's Day he said he "truly loved me". I told him I loved him too, but there was still this awkwardness.. He seems sexually repressed in a way. Afraid to admit that he wants me. He's afraid that he disgusts me. He has terrible self esteem and so do I so it's hard for us to come to terms with such feelings I guess...

 

I feel like it's my fault he doesn't talk to me anymore all because I told him I was seeing someone else. The truth is, I only said this to get a reaction from him. I was so stupid. I apologized to him, he seemed to accept it and I think he tried to rekindle what he felt for me but it failed. It's all my fault this fell apart. But I can't help but think that his ex has something to do with it also. He once said that he's scared to talk to me because of her and her accusations. Even though she broke up with him she would mock him for talking to me. She has said things like-

 

"I'll get a text from you one day saying "oh, Megan and I are together" and you will have the opportunity to have a tedious relationship with a straight girl because she sees you as some "strange" because of your differences. She doesn't know herself not like we do. But you'll relish the chance to have her move in I am sure. So go ahead, go be with her." And many more. Yeah. He loves her more and there's nothing I can do about it.

 

I'm still depressed. I feel I'll never stop wanting him in some form no matter how "****ed up" he says he is. I don't see him as some "strange" like his ex thinks I do (maybe exotic because he's from another culture) (and frankly, she doesn't know **** about me and I have never spoke any crap about her up until this point.) I see him as a unique individual who has a lot to offer the world, if only he would believe it.

 

But what stops me from contacting him is the rape stuff, the "oh I'm dangerous stay away" bull. It scares me. Makes me think that if we met he would hurt me or **** me up somehow. I will admit, he is a difficult person to speak to sometimes. Besides, I'm not intelligent enough for him anyways. Apparently his girlfriend is some wizard super genius who is 10 years older than me. I can't compete with that.

 

I hope you're right, that one day I will wake up and think "why the hell did I waste such time talking to this guy?" But for now I feel he's one of my biggest role models. It wasn't a trivial relationship it was a deep relationship where were revealed our biggest secrets and fears to eachother. He has told me things I have sworn to never tell anyone. I even painted an oil painting for him for his birthday. He said he loved it, he seemed thrilled, but I don't have his new address so he will never get it. I will have to sell it away. I really did feel a strong bond with him. Everyone in my town only connects with me on some superficial level. I fear I'll never find something like this again.

Edited December 11, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[batjokes92]

Well I'm crying right now. Still not over it. I thought that getting out to Toronto to see a friend would help, and it did, for about 2 weeks maybe, then I was back in my emotional rut. I'm still trying to figure out why we don't talk anymore. Our last real conversation was jarring. Back in August he said he wanted to kill himself, said he was dangerous, that he couldn't control his thoughts of doing explicit sexual things to me. I said I wasn't scared of that last bit at all, he said "you must be a masochist then." I laughed and said "yeah I am, wanna talk about it?" He said "don't tease me". I said "well you can't hurt me because you live so far away so I will talk to you." He said "I feel like even talking is dangerous."

 

I stopped going online on skype altogether and he did the same a few days afterward... He also stopped updating his Facebook statuses almost 2 months ago. So I have no idea what's going on with him.

 

Some normal person may be reading this thinking "WTF that guy has problems why do you miss that?" I have no answer. I just really miss the good talks we had before. Before I started talking to him I felt ugly and undesirable, I had been obsessing over a boy who rejected me for 2 years after it happened. Now it's the same thing all over again just a different person. This time though, I feel worse. There is no anger in me like there had been in the past with the first one, this time I just feel like a zombie. I feel like I'm not really present in any moment when I'm at work or out with friends. I think there might be something seriously wrong with me.

 

All that aside, I know it's probably best that I don't talk to him. He's threatened to kill himself SO many times I've lost count, he lives in the UK, he's physically deformed (in a manner of speaking), his moods are unpredictable and he's eluded to the fact that he finds "young" people attractive.. But you know what, I've dated so many jerks IRL that THIS GUY has been the kindest to me so far!! I'm not even joking! I can tell you all about these other guys I've met but I'd be here all day. So yeah, Having a difficult time moving on here. I have no idea which part of me wasn't good enough for him.. I've done nothing but treat him well. It's almost as if I'm using him to validate my own exhistance. I tend to do that with guys and I'd like to get out of this cycle somehow.

Edited December 16, 2016 by batjokes92

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, are you able to seek out counselling?

 

The attachment you have to this guy is really just a manifestation of a much deeper problem, connected to self-esteem and probably a terrible fear of abandonment. You are willingly seeking out attention from a dangerous source, which is very concerning. (And yes, you should indeed be afraid that someone like him could hurt you. He sounds completely unstable)

 

I feel that with professional help, you will finally be able to discover and address what's really causing you to cling to this guy or others like him. It's a good sign that you recognize just how toxic and disturbing this is, but you now must take steps towards solving it.

[spiderowl]

I'm sorry to hear your story. What struck me was that you feel you are not worth anything decent. Who picked on you for your looks? Attractive is not the same as beautiful (though someone can be both); people can still be very attractive but not classically beautiful. I am sure you are much more attractive than you think. Believing you are not though affects everything because you put up with people treating you badly. You really are worth much more than that. There will be some lovely guy who would love to be with you, if only he knew you and had the chance.

 

If you give guys the impression you don't think much of yourself or think that you are unattractive, they will just respond to that. The way a person looks does not matter: people should treat them with kindness, respect and consideration regardless. If you allow guys to treat you less well than that, then you are setting the standard for them. You should refuse to accept anything less than the best in terms of behaviour from guys. They will soon pick up on your self-respect and respond positively to that.

 

It is likely that if you (falsely) feel that you are deeply unattractive in some way, that this would confuse guys that you meet. They will sense you feel uneasy and low and wonder why. They will respond by keeping an emotional distance. This then makes you feel less confident and it is a vicious circle completely founded on a false premise.

 

In short, you need to drastically change your own inner perception of yourself - that is key to all this. I do agree that counselling could help. Can you approach your doctor and see if there is anything available near you? It is very hard to function well in life with low self-esteem. I am pretty sure if you get some help with this, that your life will get a whole lot better.

[batjokes92]

I'm sorry to hear your story. What struck me was that you feel you are not worth anything decent. Who picked on you for your looks? Attractive is not the same as beautiful (though someone can be both); people can still be very attractive but not classically beautiful. I am sure you are much more attractive than you think. Believing you are not though affects everything because you put up with people treating you badly. You really are worth much more than that. There will be some lovely guy who would love to be with you, if only he knew you and had the chance.

 

If you give guys the impression you don't think much of yourself or think that you are unattractive, they will just respond to that. The way a person looks does not matter: people should treat them with kindness, respect and consideration regardless. If you allow guys to treat you less well than that, then you are setting the standard for them. You should refuse to accept anything less than the best in terms of behaviour from guys. They will soon pick up on your self-respect and respond positively to that.

 

It is likely that if you (falsely) feel that you are deeply unattractive in some way, that this would confuse guys that you meet. They will sense you feel uneasy and low and wonder why. They will respond by keeping an emotional distance. This then makes you feel less confident and it is a vicious circle completely founded on a false premise.

 

In short, you need to drastically change your own inner perception of yourself - that is key to all this. I do agree that counselling could help. Can you approach your doctor and see if there is anything available near you? It is very hard to function well in life with low self-esteem. I am pretty sure if you get some help with this, that your life will get a whole lot better.

 

I was picked on for my looks ever since I was 5. I was considered the ugliest girl in school and I was treated accordingly. I've never recovered from it despite going to therapy and councling. People tell me I'm better looking now but I still get mixed messages.

 

For example, I'll go into dating a guy, he will tell me I'm pretty but he will not make me his girlfriend. He will usually dump me on the third date. And if it's a fling, he will never take me out, he just wants to come to my house to have sex. The last guy I saw, the one I told my polish friend about, said this when I asked if we could be more exclusive "do I want you as my girlfriend right now? No. Do I want to have sex with you and make you my slave and of course not leave afterward? Yes." I of course stopped seeing the jerk but that's the kind of "love" I've been getting.. So yes, my self esteem is bad.

 

This polish guy is the only one who ever said that he'd like to have a relationship with me but he had a gf at the time so he wanted to keep me a secret. Then they broke up, he relied on me for support, he was obsessed with getting her back for almost a full year. We were friends, I felt things were romantic but now he won't talk to me. ( I don't know if it's because I told him I was seeing a guy here or not. I only told him I was because I wanted him to see I'm tired of waiting for him to make a move..) It's the worst pain I've felt in a long time.

 

How can I develop better self esteem when every relationship I've pursued has ended in heartbreak?

Edited December 18, 2016 by batjokes92

[spiderowl]

Honestly, I can see your point about the difficulty in developing self-esteem when things have gone that way for you. Just because they have does not mean they always will. If anyone in the past commented negatively on your looks, they are a pretty crap person. Kids get together and tease because they are afraid of the 'leaders' in the group not because they necessarily agree with them. None of this means there was any truth in what they said. Even if you are not the prettiest girl in the school, real character can not only be distinctive but very attractive. I know a guy who was dating a girl who really would not have stood out in a crowd. When she broke up with him, he was devastated. He hasn't dated since! It is not just about looks, it is about building a personal relationship based on kindness and trust. That guy must feel you are the one girl he respects above all others. If you are confident you are a catch, the guy will think the same. If you feel low about yourself or feel that you are not as attractive as others, you will be less likely to throw out the bad guys and feel confident about building relationships with the decent ones. That is the most powerful way to a man's heart.

 

If a guy appears to treat you with disrespect, does not wish to date you publicly or says he only wants to sleep with you casually, then dump him on the spot! You might feel you are reducing your chances by doing so, but you are actually doing the opposite. As soon as guys start to realise you value yourself, they will take a step back and look at you with more respect. You will feel better yourself for not putting up with their behaviour. You know how you want them to treat you - if they don't, kick them out.

Edited December 18, 2016 by spiderowl

[Brieanna]

He made me feel loved, like I mattered, and now he makes me feel like an object who is unworthy of his time.

 

He saw in me what I wanted others to see in me, he really made me feel special..

 

He has terrible self esteem and so do I so it's hard for us to come to terms with such feelings I guess...

 

Before I started talking to him I felt ugly and undesirable, I had been obsessing over a boy who rejected me for 2 years after it happened.

 

How can I develop better self esteem when every relationship I've pursued has ended in heartbreak?

 

Honestly, IMO herein lies the issue.

 

Folks, self esteem is simply that...

"SELF" esteem.

Comes from, get this...

SELF

 

You find yourself disappointed because you went to McDonalds to order a fresh homemade bowl of chicken noodle soup. You wonder why they keep disappointing you.

 

Listen: They don't serve soup! And nothing there is homemade! They don't even carry noodles, celery, fresh rosemary, etc. If they were so inclined to attempt your requst, which they would never be.

 

SELF esteem and self worth is NOT acquired via others!!!

Emphasis on word SELF. (In case my intonation doesn't carry via txt )

 

Seriously though, I do see you are in genuine pain here.

How about trying to redirect your attention to developing first self love, self worth. (Sounds like you may have a T to guide this.)

 

Imo, people cannot be available to have satisfying intimate partnership relationships until they have developed sufficient self love. Otherwise they tend to use the relational dynamics to squeeze out of it what was not put in and feel frustrated to not get out of it the respect and love that they didn't have for themselves going in.

Edited December 18, 2016 by Brieanna

[batjokes92]

Well, he's not liking any of my Facebook posts or sending me strange messages. This is good for me because it allows me to forget about him somewhat. I feel I am making progress with moving on with this one, I'm not thinking about him every second of the day now and it's only been 4 months so yay!

 

I'm not kidding myself though. I'm still missing him. I notice that he's liking other people's posts so I'm wondering why he hates me. How can he suddenly stop caring/loose interest like that when just last Valentine's Day he told me that he "truly loved me"? How can someone just abandon a friend the way he has? Sometimes I feel I almost want to break contact just to say "**** you". But I won't. Is that normal?

 

We had many emotional moments together. I remember one night I told him "I wanted to let you know you have made me a stronger person." He responded the next morning with paragraphs of messages telling me that my message made him cry and that it was the most heartwarming thing he's heard from anyone in years. It sucks loosing him because I feel we had a very strong emotional connection. I know it's codependent but I really do enjoy helping and building up people who feel like they don't belong.

 

I know my self esteem is bad but just telling me to "get therapy" isn't going to help. My therapists don't understand me one bit and have mostly been unhelpful. Neither is "work on yourself" because I've been single litterally all my life. I'm a graphic designer, I have my own place, I have a few good friends but I still hate myself because I can't seem to find a man who wants me. And I know this sounds crazy, but I don't think I will love myself until I can find that.

 

By the way, has anyone here ever read Notre Dame De Paris? It's his favourite book, he's obsessed with it. His favourite character is Frollo. He and I both relate to this character. That might put things into perspective a bit maybe lol

Edited December 19, 2016 by batjokes92