I broke up, regretted, now he's ignoring me.

[Rubine]

Hello everyone.

I signed up to this forum because i am absolutely devastated and tormented in every way, and i need some sort of insight. I deeply appreciate any advice or help i can get.

 

 

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 1.5 year now. We love each other, and basically every aspect of our relationship is between 'good' and 'great'. Apart from communication.

This sounds really stereotypical, i'm really emotional and analyzing, i need to 'talk things over' and yadayada you know the drill. He's the more typical man, not wanting to talk about things, 'let's just move on' 'look forward/ahead' that kind of thing.

 

 

Usually, when we communicate in person, everything turns out okay. But we live 30 km from each other and don't see each other every day (like 2-3 times/nights a week on average), so we do text alot. He is very very bad at texting, we concluded that so many times. He can't phrase himself as he really means to, and comes across completely different, which makes me tick and before we know it, we have some kind of insane argument that happened because of something which was actually minor (But it seems big to both of us during the moment, because we're not understanding of each other).

 

 

*** skip this section if you want a little shorter kind of version, just gonna give an example here of the last argument. We have been on several 'driving vacations' and excursions and stuff, things that involve a lot of driving. I am the kind of person who hates asking for help etc, but this time i needed help in picking up something from another city (too heavy to just send), and i asked if he would drive me there at some point during his week off, if i paid the gas money. He said he didn't want to. Instantly i was really hurt, but, learning from the past, i simply said 'okay honey, that's alright, i asked my dad and he will drive me tomorrow'. - i need to take distance and not react on negative emotions right away, because i sometimes overreact in the moment.

He then kept on pushing me with asking 4 times when we will see each other again, and i know that's his way of tuning in on me, and wether or not i'm mad. So i gave a snide comment about 'if you can't drive those 50 km to help me, then i don't see why you can drive 30 km to see me.'

That was enough to make him explode, and as we did several times before, quickly ended up in a very heated fight. Actually the worst we ever had. He was so incredibly unfairly mean. We don't call names or something too crazy, but still he was really mean compared to our way of behaving, and i was very hurt. ****

 

 

So, a day or so after that argument (which was like 2 weeks ago), he took some hours mid conversation where he didn't answer.

My version of those hours, was that he yet again showed me lack of commitment and interest in solving the situation.

BUT, he had taken a bike ride to get some distance, and he had an epiphany meanwhile about how badly he treated me, and he was now much more positive and ready to solve everything and apologise for his behaviour etc.

So that ended on the wrong hand, i had enough by that time already, but we decided on moving on once again, and this time NEVER, EVER discuss negative matters or emotions via text.

Fastforward to next day. He was going to see me, first time in two weeks, since the argument had interfered with normal plans. He wrote me 'I will swing by my friend to see his new TV, be there some time after 6. Our deal was 5 pm. Again, i was furious. Because he didn't even show me the respect by asking 'Is it okay if .....' . And i had just two hours before said no to help my mom, because my relationship was really fragile and important. Anyway, as usual we talked it out, he meant it completely differently than he wrote it, he didn't think about it the way i understood it, same as always.

Then the next day this happened; he was supposed to go to a party two days after that, some christmas kind of arrangement. BUT his friend had canceled so he had to go alone. BUT a woman that he knows had gotten the friends spot, so he would be going with her instead.

He told me this by stating it. He was going with her.

I, once again, got very mad and hurt. We talked about it, and mutually agreed that i was overreacting and being jealous.

But i slept on it, and i realised, for once this is not overreacting. It is a boundary. It's not okay for me to go with opposite sex friends to bars and drink alone. I was incredibly hurt that he would overstep my boundary like this, without ASKING if it's okay, i had felt so cornered by it, and hurt and not understood and not respected. I talked to my sister, which took my side. Then i talked to my mom for a long while, she also took my side (Which she never does). And maybe the surprise of how she was supporting me in how wrong he was, and numerous other things, made me decide on a whim to break up.

Yes. I decided to break up. I had just HAD it, and i respect myself and my boundaries, and he crossed the line too much. I felt calm, i felt i knew what i was doing. And i wrote him a fairly long breakup note, explaining why, saying i still love him but it's not working out.

(by the way, we have a mutual agreement to break up in writing, if it ever came to that, to avoid being face to face with the hurt and humiliation etc) (that was why i did that)

He responded equally calm, saying we'd talk during the weekend about exchanging things.

As time passed i felt worse and worse, and i realised i handled it completely wrong.

This time, i had cornered HIM, by just breaking up, instead of at least trying to talk about the whole boundary thing etc.

I ended up writing him after a day that i regretted so badly. I want him back. I'm sorry for what i did, i was influenced by my anger and my mom and my insecurities, and i acted on impulse. I don't want to live without him. It's like, actually having broken up with him just flushed me of all my normal insecurities about losing him, and i realise i have done so many things wrong. I can finally see how i have been selfish (unintentionally) in the past, and how i have been ruled by fear in many ways.

I can be, and i WANT to be better than that. He's the love of my life. I told him all that, how i want to change everything and be better in every way, and work harder on myself etc etc.

His response was, that me breaking up with him was extremely painful for him, and that was so far over the line for him, which is why he doesn't want to take me back, in fear of it happening again.

I apologised more, promised more, threw away any sense of pride and dignity to show him i'm serious. i wrote a section of text, he saw it but no answer. Then 5 hours later, i wrote another section to say the last stuff i needed to say. He hasn't "seen" it, and no answer. For 2.5 days.

I wrote in the last text that i was going to respect his need for distance and not write him unless he writes me.

And i haven't. 2.5 days. We're still in a relationship on facebook, which is my only hope at the moment, and he hasn't said he wants his things and key back. I'm clinging on to that frayed rope, and i'm just horribly tortured and destroyed. I have to get him back.

Any oppinion and insight is insanely appreciated.

[ExpatInItaly]

You two communicated far too much via text. A lot of these problems could have been avoided by making calls once in a while. Why the reliance on texting all the time? It's not a great method of communication, as you both saw, and it certainly shouldn't be used to end a relationship. It's odd that you already had an agreement to end the relationship in writing, if it came to that. How did that agreement come about and whose idea was it? To me, it's strange that you two had already hammered out that detail at all.

 

In any case, I would advise you now to take a big step back and re-read what you wrote. It doesn't sound as though this relationship was making you happy anymore. You must have been awfully upset to reach that breaking point, and you had some valid concerns about the poor communication. (from both of you) Perhaps with some real time away from each other you will realize it actually is for the best that you are not together.

 

In the meantime, don't reach out to him anymore. He knows you are sorry and regret your decision. There's not much more you can do at this point, but begin to take space for yourself too.

[Rubine]

Thanks alot for your reply.

You're right, we do communicate too much via text. We established many times that it doesn't work for us (but face to face communication DOES, and that's what matters), and we also tried to make changes to avoid fights.

Thing is, i find it 100x easier to write things down, i feel in control of what i say, and i can make sure it comes out right etc. I have just failed to realize, that the only solution is, that i take it on ME to learn to communicate better face to face.

It makes me feel vulnerable and i almost always end up crying, which i hate.

 

Honestly i'm glad all of this happened. I realized so many things about myself, and i can see i would not have been able to make the changes i need to make, if i hadn't been violently forced into looking more inward.

 

I have decided to do the only thing i can, which is as you say, not contact him and wait until he does.

I will use this time apart to reflect on my relationship and myself, what i need to do better to avoid any of this - and do my part in making it a loving and respectful relationship. Yes he has been mean to me lately (hence i have been unhappy), but i have been a downright draining b*tch.

 

By the way, the reason we have even discussed breaking up, stems from seeing it in a movie, and i was like 'People always say it's the worst thing to break up in writing, but i would really prefer it if it was me, bla bla' and he said 'Yeah me too, because bla bla and bla'

 

But had we agreed to only break up in person, things would have been different. I wouldn't have broken up because i would regret that in the meantime, BUT i wouldn't have had this revelation either.

 

So i just hold on to the belief that he will come back, and i spend the time reading some books about self development, and be ready for when he does contact me.

[MrPlop]

You guys srsly need to retrace your boundaries and above all respect them.

[Anika9]

first off don't confuse 'just wanting to move on' with being non emotional. often times people who cant handle their emotions cant deal with discussing things. its like a silent tantrum. being able to process thoughts is not 'emotional'. theres nothing about him that indicates he's calm and rational. imo he's passive aggressive and controlling and id say everything he's done from your example has been guided by his feeling for himself and in spite of you.

 

>>>He said he didn't want to. Instantly i was really hurt, but, learning from the past, i simply said 'okay honey, that's alright, i asked my dad and he will drive me tomorrow'. - i need to take distance and not react on negative emotions right away, because i sometimes overreact in the moment.

He then kept on pushing me with asking 4 times when we will see each other again, and i know that's his way of tuning in on me, and wether or not i'm mad. So i gave a snide comment about 'if you can't drive those 50 km to help me, then i don't see why you can drive 30 km to see me.'

 

That was enough to make him explode, and as we did several times before, quickly ended up in a very heated fight. Actually the worst we ever had. He was so incredibly unfairly mean. We don't call names or something too crazy, but still he was really mean compared to our way of behaving, and i was very hurt. **** <<<

 

So he didn't 'feel' like it. then got upset. then pushed you to get a reaction. then tried to manipulate things to make everything your fault. Tantrum/ emotional.

 

im not even claiming he is good or bad. im just saying reducing everything to you being emotional typical woman and him being stoic typical guy is about as off as the stereotypes are in the first place. talking things through is actually a rational thing to do if theres confusion-of which you guys had A LOT. i think you're unnecessarily putting a demeaning light on the desire to have clarity and i'm sure he supports that insulting view bc it makes it easier to have things his way. anyhow i just wanted to get that out of the way.

 

as for everything that went down. there is not enough real communication. partly bc you're apologetic about even wanting to and he's too busy trying to make himself the center of everything to even bother. not unless he feels he's losing control of you,. then hell pull you in.. only till you latch on then hell pull away and so on and so forth.

 

I don't think you need to apologize. or try to get him back atm. you broke up for a reason, maybe you can get back together but you cant ignore or negate the break up.

 

think about what it is you want out of a relationship- with anyone. forget about wanting 'him' for a moment. if nothing else it is habit and too easy to feel. What do you want, is he able and does he have interest in giving that to you.

 

think of what he wants. is who you are thwarted in any way by the kind of partner he seems to need.

 

think of the things he has dine and how he'd react if you'd done them. does he treat you as he expects to be treated himself.

 

other than your feelings for him, think of solid reasons why you should be in a relationship with him.

 

if you can look honestly at a of that and still think it's a good idea for you guys to be together AND he decides he wants to come back. well yo can give it a try,

 

but you might not decide it's best. and he might not want to come back. that is a right you both have.

[fromheart]

You said that its not ok for you to go to bars and drink alone. Is that a 'rule,' in your relationship? If so, you both have been jealous and possessive which has caused the end of the relationship.

[Toodaloo]

All I see here are two dysfunctional people...

 

I think you need to concentrate on moving on.

 

So he was late sometimes and you did things but the two of you were both very controlling and made dramas out of the stupidest things...

 

Have to say if someone blew up at me because I let them know in advance I was going to be a bit late... Nah... I am out of there. Life shouldn't be like that.

 

This whole thing is just tedious and no fun...

 

Move on. You may be regretting it now but breaking up is the right thing to do.

[elaine567]

It was a relationship that was not easy and fun, it was full of fights and misunderstandings, drama and selfishness.

He sounds very luke-warm here, and I guess you eventually pulling the plug was a relief for him.

NO attached man just happens to take another woman to a party.

I guess you may have been the one to actually break up but sounds like he pushed you to make that decision, so of course he is not willing to give it another try.

Stop bending over backwards to appease him and take all the blame on yourself, he was the one who thought it fine to take another woman to a party, that is NOT acceptable in any shape or form. She just happened to take his friends place - yeah right!

Grieve, heal and move on.

 

BTW If what you write about this man is true here, then you have to do some introspection. Why do you think he is the "love of your life"? - he sounds to me like he was not that into you.

[Rubine]

I'm really grateful for you guys time and reflections. Especially because they sting and i do need the truth.

 

Toodaloo - You're right, and from that perspective it does seem worse than i think it was. We hadn't seen each other in two weeks, first time seeing each other after a massive argument, and he said he would be late because he was going to see a friends new TV? I really think that's just.. Well, let's say i wouldn't ever do that to anyone, it seems disrepectful and not caring.

Anyway, under normal circumstances, it wouldn't have mattered the same way.

 

Elaine - I see your point, but i don't really agree. He bought a car to be able to drive to see me whenever he wanted. He has invited (and paid for) several travels for us, and he's very loving, and our relationship is very healthy during the times we're not fighting. Usually. I think we've had 3 big fights. Well, honestly i don't know if our relationship is that healthy, but i had some pretty insane relationships in the past, and this is textbook healthy in comparison to anything i've ever been in before. He also had only a couple relationships before me, so we're just really inexperienced (plus we were both single for years before we met). He treats me really well, and he's so good to talk to and we have a lot of fun, and i love him very deeply.

 

I have no idea if your suspiscion is true. I have been working very hard to not be a suspicious person. If i have to have that "yeah, right" attitude, that will just make me far worse than i have already been, especially since i tend to do that.

 

Fromheart - No that isn't a rule. He's the type who goes out, and i'm the 'stay at home at my pc' type of person. So he goes out maybe on average a couple times a month, (more in the summer) and i have been out to a bar TWICE in these 1.5 year. It is however a personal rule of mine, that you don't go out drinking with a friend of the opposite sex. I'll just never accept that - not alone.

 

 

I was in a bottomless pit when i made this thread, and now i feel pretty okay. I'm doing makeup, cleaning, getting out. (i know i might be in denial)

 

Anika, thank you for your long response. I'm almost starting to cry from it, because even though you're a total stranger, i have felt a lot of what you're saying.

Regarding what i want in a relationship, i don't know. I mean, i know most of what i want, but i don't know if he is able or willing to give me that. Because as you said, he has that 'throwing out and reeling in' thing going, which makes it seem that some of the time, he gives me everything. The other time, he doesn't give me enough. And so many outside things affect that, his job situation and stress and mood and whatever. And mine too. How do i get more good communication between us? I've tried SO MANY times reading about such relationship stuff but i can't pull it off on my own. The way i communicate barely matters if he doesn't give a rats ass. And he's almost 39, i don't really have any unrealistic hopes that he's going to change. BUT some of my personal strengths are determination and empathy, and i CAN change myself, to some extent.

 

I think the questions you ask are hard to answer. Everything is so mixed up in my mind.. Is he saying the truth, is he manipulating me, is he even lying, is he as genuine as i hope, i really can't dig into his mind and know. I don't know if he's really sad right now, or relieved, i can really, really not understand why he isn't contacting me. As previously mentioned, i get very influenced by others. I don't know what's right or wrong or what i want or what i need.

But i do think i'm on the right track right now. I started working on my self esteem issues in several ways, i figured out what i need to work on emotionally for myself, and have planned how i will do it. I am also going through a big weight loss, am almost halfway through (22 kg). I will just keep finding strength in that.

I just still hope to God he will come back.

 

And that thing about that we broke up for a reason. Yes we did. But as i said, i see now that i was influenced by my mothers words. I was kind of "high" on how she agreed with me, and said i shouldn't accept that all and i should break up, and then i did, and when that high went away, i was like, ****.

My first, wellthought plan was to let him have the party, let him have his hangover day, and then sunday i would've had some kind of talk prepared regarding boundaries for the future. And i still think that would've been a good approach.

[elaine567]

And that thing about that we broke up for a reason. Yes we did. But as i said, i see now that i was influenced by my mothers words. I was kind of "high" on how she agreed with me, and said i shouldn't accept that all and i should break up, and then i did, and when that high went away, i was like, ****.

My first, wellthought plan was to let him have the party, let him have his hangover day, and then sunday i would've had some kind of talk prepared regarding boundaries for the future. And i still think that would've been a good approach.

 

But your mother and sister are right. They don't feel that a man in a relationship should take another women to a party, so why are you trying to rationalise it?

YOU are rationalising it because you do not want to lose him, not because you think he is correct in doing that.

NO man of 39 needs to be told that taking another woman out to a party is unacceptable here.

Give yourself a shake.

So your friend cannot make it to a party, and you "just happen" to have this spare guy hanging around who is happy to oblige... Forget about asking your actual bf, forget about him, just look forward to going out with this new guy...

Would he really be happy about that, would anyone?

 

This is over, you may not want it to be over, but this guy is not emotionally invested in you, that much is very clear.

YOU may be able to allow this to limp forward for a while, if you forgive him this indiscretion, but you will do so due to desperation.

One sided relationships don't work out long term. He will continue to hurt you, if you allow him to.

[stillafool]

When I first started reading this thread I thought you guys were like 23 and 24. Now I find out this guy is 39 his actions are totally unacceptable. Why didn't he invite you to go to the party instead of taking the other woman? Also why are you running to your mother about your relationship? It seems like this guy is indeed lukewarm for you and was possibly relieved that you broke it off.

[Toodaloo]

I'm really grateful for you guys time and reflections. Especially because they sting and i do need the truth.

 

Toodaloo - You're right, and from that perspective it does seem worse than i think it was. We hadn't seen each other in two weeks, first time seeing each other after a massive argument, and he said he would be late because he was going to see a friends new TV? I really think that's just.. Well, let's say i wouldn't ever do that to anyone, it seems disrepectful and not caring.

Anyway, under normal circumstances, it wouldn't have mattered the same way.

 

All this says to me is that he is more relaxed with out you than with you... In the last 2 weeks he would have figured that out for himself.

 

Fromheart - No that isn't a rule. He's the type who goes out, and i'm the 'stay at home at my pc' type of person. So he goes out maybe on average a couple times a month, (more in the summer) and i have been out to a bar TWICE in these 1.5 year. It is however a personal rule of mine, that you don't go out drinking with a friend of the opposite sex. I'll just never accept that - not alone.

 

Heck I am in trouble then as I have great friends of both sexes and I go out for drinks with them on my own on a regular basis! I have to admit I do not start thinking "oh blimey he has a penis I must take a chaperone" or "thank hevens she has a vagina so it must be OK" every time a mate asks if I fancy a pint down the pub or to join them on a long walk they are planning etc... And yes I have ended up on very boozy nights with a bunch of lads... Funnily enough nothing happened, unless of course you include that yet again I was unable to down a pint of Guinness as fast as they could... or that someone tripped and we all pointed and laughed at them...

 

I was in a bottomless pit when i made this thread, and now i feel pretty okay. I'm doing makeup, cleaning, getting out. (i know i might be in denial)

 

This suggests that you are happier out of it too...

[fromheart]

 

Fromheart - No that isn't a rule. He's the type who goes out, and i'm the 'stay at home at my pc' type of person. So he goes out maybe on average a couple times a month, (more in the summer) and i have been out to a bar TWICE in these 1.5 year. It is however a personal rule of mine, that you don't go out drinking with a friend of the opposite sex. I'll just never accept that - not alone.

 

 

If you feel there is a lack of communication and caring on his part, I wouldn't bother wanting such a person back. If I make a definite time to see a girl, I'm not going to go look at my friends new TV! This doesn't sound like the relationship of ones dreams here, and maybe your intuition told you to let it go.

 

 

Why this rule about how you interact with other people? The act of drinking isn't going to stop people hitting on your partner.

 

Any girlfriend I have will be hit on and checked out, I myself will be hit on and checked out even more if I have a girlfriend. Whether its a bar, cafe or just walking down the street doesn't matter.

 

Once you start having rules like that, its suggesting ownership over another person. This will kill attraction over time. The only thing that matters is whether you trust the other person, and that they deserve that trust.

[Rubine]

This forum is so active, that's really awesome.

 

Elaine - I don't feel like i'm rationalizing it. It IS a boundary of mine, i realised that.

But. I broke up like hours before he was going to this party. That was such a bad move. It SEEMS like i was deliberately trying to F him up and force him to not go, and i don't blame him for resisting that. I would've done the same, and i think almost anyone would.

I'm also glad that you agree that it's unacceptable to go to the party with that woman. (yes i shouldn't care what a stranger thinks, but i do )

And i honestly don't know. I kinda think he would think it was okay if i reassured him it was just an old friend.

 

But that's because he's just gullible and thickheaded. I would never cheat, but having a friend of the opposite sex whom you drink with, is a slippery slope. I myself won't even risk it. Not because i'd cheat, ever, but because suddenly when you're drunk, stuff happens. It happens to many good people all the time.

 

Stillafool - The reason he didn't invite me, is that i have social anxiety, he knows i would absolutely hate the thought of going. Plus i always drink way too much, and i lose control, and i become this other weird person, whom i loathe.

I am running to my mother and my sister for advice, because i literally don't have any friends. That's also why i'm on this forum basically.

 

But.. He wrote me on facebook an hour ago. Some long letter about how he spent the last days in his house, didn't go out, didn't shower, just slept all he could. He said he feels utterly destroyed because of me breaking up, even though i regretted. He says he can't handle some situation like this again, and is afraid of taking the chance since he thinks the issues will continue. He says he loves me and 'Maybe we'll get together again in the future, but i need to heal psychologically now'. He also said he loves me and thanked me for having given him space.

 

And see, this is where i can't figure anything out. Again. Maybe he means this, maybe he means that, maybe he's lying, maybe it's the truth. I feel like 'Goddammit just give me a chance to show you i can prevent this from happening again, i couldn't really see it before but i see it NOW, and i MEAN IT.'

I didn't respond yet.

[stillafool]

But.. He wrote me on facebook an hour ago. Some long letter about how he spent the last days in his house, didn't go out, didn't shower, just slept all he could. He said he feels utterly destroyed because of me breaking up, even though i regretted. He says he can't handle some situation like this again, and is afraid of taking the chance since he thinks the issues will continue. He says he loves me and 'Maybe we'll get together again in the future, but i need to heal psychologically now'. He also said he loves me and thanked me for having given him space.

 

This is why I think this guy is lukewarm about you. You mean he is so destroyed by the breakup that he doesn't want to give it another chance? Okay. I think he was just looking for an excuse to break up with you. I can't believe he told you this on FB instead of calling and talking to you. You guys don't talk on the phone because you communicate better in text and you don't go out together because of your social anxiety. It doesn't even seem like a close relationship at all to me. I think he is a little hurt but wants to see other women.

[Rubine]

Frommyheart - But. I can't just take one or two small things and say 'This is not the relationship i dream of'. There's going to be good, bad, big and small things. I think boundaries are important. I don't expect to find a partner who agrees with me on everything, but as long as both agrees to accept there might be some very few hard limit boundaries, that's okay.

 

To me it's; seeing friends, beeing around female friends in groups, is completely fine. He has an old female friend who is now married, and they meet sometimes for lunch, the husband and their kids are there too. That's great, he can do that all he wants. Go to bars (where there's women) all he wants (well, almost). Taking a female friend as companion to a party arrangement with alcohol is just not okay.

 

My mom and dad mutually agreed it's not okay to go to a bar or party AT ALL without each other. I think it's just up to every couple to find what works for them, there's no set list of facts.

[stillafool]

Frommyheart - Taking a female friend as companion to a party arrangement with alcohol is just not okay.

 

My mom and dad mutually agreed it's not okay to go to a bar or party AT ALL without each other. I think it's just up to every couple to find what works for them, there's no set list of facts.

 

You and your parents are absolutely correct that what he did was not okay. The fact that your ex doesn't understand this and beg your forgiveness and beg you back is his excuse to exit. Go NC and block.

 

I think it would be a good idea for you to make friends and try going out. It wouldn't hurt to expand your world and it will help you get over this breakup.

[Toodaloo]

My mom and dad mutually agreed it's not okay to go to a bar or party AT ALL without each other. I think it's just up to every couple to find what works for them, there's no set list of facts.

 

I would argue the first but agree with the second.

 

This just demonstrates that you both have different ideas about things. You are better off wasting you time working through all the Mr Wrongs as fast as possible than pining over just one of them for ages.

 

So move on and get yourself closer to Mr Right instead of pining over Mr Wrong.

[minimariah]

I think he was just looking for an excuse to break up with you.

 

^ i agree. it most definitely seems as if he was actually RELIEVED by this break up; he waited for it. OP - i'm sorry but there is nothing you can do anymore. the relationship just wasn't meant to be, focus on NC & moving forward one day at a time.