Been too needy, he´s withdrawing

[agirlintheworld]

I´ve been too emotional lately and know it. I just hope it´s not too late. :/ Please advide me people.

 

It´s been for different reasons, mostly because I´ve been feeling we´re on different pages. The main issue though is our conversations about his ex. Yes, plural and it´s really bad. I noticed that they were Writing, and tried to not act jellous but asked a few questions a couple of times. It was mostly because he described her as a pain who every now and then called to complain about things, maily her boyfriend. I Think it´s a bit off and a bit respecless from her part. Ok, I know I shouldn´t bee too harsh, but if my boyfriend and I had problems, my ex would be the last one I complained too out of respect and because most likely he wouldn´t want to hear it.

 

I noticed a few thning at my boyfriend´s Place fom their time together, and I just couldn´t keep it bottled up inside. So I asked hm again about her. He answered, and put my mind to rest realy, I understood things much better, also he had told her to stop bother him which is nice. He was however a bit annoyed wih me, telling me to relax and that he can´t keep reassure me once a week. I can understand that, and I won´t after this conversation, I have all the information I need and I don´t want to talk about it nymore either. He said he wasn´t mad, but seemed to Think of me as quite needy of reassurence.

 

Now he´s acting different, kind of Cold. he texts, but isn´t very sweet nor romantic. He seem to have withdrawn quite a bit. I know I shouldn´t push it at this point so I´m trying to give him space. I´m just really worried that I´ll loose him. Can this be saved? We´ve been dating for 9 months, and this has been going on for about 2 weeks. What would you do in this situation? I really do understand that he might be annoyed, but I also Think he would have reacted in a similar way if it was the other way around. I feel like I´m being punished very harshly for questions that might not be so weird.

[leogirl876]

If he's withdrawing and then you also need to withdraw. By chasing him, it's not going to make him come back, it'll only make him pull back farther. Do what you need to do in your life and take care of you. When he sees that, he might or might not come back, but you have to love someone in such a way that they feel free.

[Redhead14]

I´ve been too emotional lately and know it. I just hope it´s not too late. :/ Please advide me people.

 

It´s been for different reasons, mostly because I´ve been feeling we´re on different pages. The main issue though is our conversations about his ex. Yes, plural and it´s really bad. I noticed that they were Writing, and tried to not act jellous but asked a few questions a couple of times. It was mostly because he described her as a pain who every now and then called to complain about things, maily her boyfriend. I Think it´s a bit off and a bit respecless from her part. Ok, I know I shouldn´t bee too harsh, but if my boyfriend and I had problems, my ex would be the last one I complained too out of respect and because most likely he wouldn´t want to hear it.

 

I noticed a few thning at my boyfriend´s Place fom their time together, and I just couldn´t keep it bottled up inside. So I asked hm again about her. He answered, and put my mind to rest realy, I understood things much better, also he had told her to stop bother him which is nice. He was however a bit annoyed wih me, telling me to relax and that he can´t keep reassure me once a week. I can understand that, and I won´t after this conversation, I have all the information I need and I don´t want to talk about it nymore either. He said he wasn´t mad, but seemed to Think of me as quite needy of reassurence.

 

Now he´s acting different, kind of Cold. he texts, but isn´t very sweet nor romantic. He seem to have withdrawn quite a bit. I know I shouldn´t push it at this point so I´m trying to give him space. I´m just really worried that I´ll loose him. Can this be saved? We´ve been dating for 9 months, and this has been going on for about 2 weeks. What would you do in this situation? I really do understand that he might be annoyed, but I also Think he would have reacted in a similar way if it was the other way around. I feel like I´m being punished very harshly for questions that might not be so weird.

 

You've addressed your concerns, you felt reassured now you need to leave it alone.

 

How long have you been seeing him?

[GoreSP]

My best bet: he is hurt you don't trust him.

[Anika9]

it gets old, anytime someone wants rto ask a question or wants nformation they are 'needy'. hes your bf you should be able to talk to him withoyt being accused.

 

yes he should feel 'free' but so should yoy. how are you free if anytime you have questiions hes annoyed.

 

i dont think wiothdrawing apolegitically to give him space is enough. he shouldnt need space just bc you had a conversation.

 

if i were you id evaluate if i want a bf who shames me any time i have concerns. would you do that to him?

'

i don't think he's 'hurt' you don't trust him. bull. if he wants to be trusted he should act trustworthy.

 

i think he's acting very disrespectful. if the conversation pout your mind ro rest and you were done talking why was he still annoyed?

 

he doesn't sound supportive he just sounds like he feels burdened.

 

how long have you been together. what do you both want out of a relationship.

 

imo asking for info is not suffocating someone. i find it suspect he's treating you like you're intruding.

 

What kind of relationship do you usually have, how is the communication. do you normally feel like he's got your back?

[Buddhist]

To be honest he sounds a bit delicate if he's getting pissy over just that. Or did you two have a full on fight over it? It sounds pretty typical for early 20's guy though, they are a bit fragile and frequently pissy until they settle down and realise that not everyone is trying to tie a noose around their neck. IMHO guys this young can be extremely needy with their ridiculous demands on a relationship which mostly consists of I'll do whatever I like and you can't expect anything from me at all.

 

If I were you I wouldn't take it to heart too much. If he doesn't snap out of it soon then reassess whether you won't to be in a relationship with someone this stroppy. There's nothing to save here, you asked a question you got an answer. No need to walk on eggshells and if you feel you are then that's not saying much for his maturity.

[Satu]

OP:

 

If the behaviour you've described isn't bringing you results you want, it might be worth thinking about changing your behaviour.

 

Here are a couple of questions you can play around with:

 

 

1. What exactly do you want to happen with regard to this issue?

 

2. What new behaviour could you employ to bring about your desired outcome?

 

 

Take care.

[amazonrambo]

If he's withdrawing and then you also need to withdraw. By chasing him, it's not going to make him come back, it'll only make him pull back farther. Do what you need to do in your life and take care of you. When he sees that, he might or might not come back, but you have to love someone in such a way that they feel free.

 

This is solid advice and something I advise.

 

I was seeing a girl who had trust issues from her last relationship. I basically messed it up accusing her of seeing someone else and stringing me along because someone heard about her with someone. Was wrong by all accounts by me. She was really mad with me and deleted me from facebook asking me not to contact her again. She saw I tagged a girl on facebook a few days later and then blocked me.

 

Of course I found a way to contact her and asked why, then I kept telling her I was sorry, etc and asked for her number again. She refused to give me her number as she was still mad. You could tell the more I said sorry that her replies were getting colder and distant with me. That was because I was chasing after her which PUSHES her away even further. She told me to not contact her for the second time.

 

I decided to then do the opposite and say that I'm going to knock this on the head and that she should wake up tomorrow, start fresh and find someone else who will eventually make her happy and that if she doesn't want me to contact her anymore I will respect it and leave her alone. I basically said I was walking away and not bothered any more and hope she'll meet someone else instead of me.

 

The next morning I get a text off her saying "Here's my number again if you need it. x". Because I distanced myself, not sure what I'll do next. Can't imagine she'd be over being mad and talking to her right now would mean chasing her.

 

I'd wait until they contact you asking how you are. Don't reach out.

[Sunkissedpatio]

If after 9 months of being together he cannot see how entertaining his ex's bullsht communication requests to sort out her new relationships issues is a reflection of his inability to set healthy boundaries and not a reflection of your "neediness"then I'd say he is not the guy for you.

 

Very few people are going to be cool with their current partner being the emotional sounding board for their whiny exs. He's more than welcome to sit there like a sap who has no life and take her calls to hear her complaints about her new boyfriend if he were single, but being in a relationship it's inappropriate.

 

And you can tell him to cut out the theatrics about being annoyed by her and calling her a pain because if he were truly annoyed by that he would put a firm end to that by telling her "look you are in a relationship, I am in a relationship you need to confide in your girlfriends about how badly things are going for you, I am not the right person to be offering you advice or support"

 

But the truth is he is clearly getting something from those calls, either a very enjoyable ego boost or hope he still has a chance with her. Either way it's unfair to you and even more unfair of him to call you needy when it is him who is being the needy loser by accepting his ex's calls.

 

A person who is incapable of setting boundaries is a person who is bad news for the long-haul.

 

I'd pull way back if I were you and I wouldn't be so happy and sweet when he comes around, I'd stand my ground if I were you. He's trying to punish you and teach you to let him get away with what he wants to do by flipping the script and making you feel needy and insecure, don't fall in his trap. Or worse yet, he is pulling away because he see potential at winning his ex back. Who broke up with whom in that situation?