Terrorblade Posted November 7, 2016 Posted November 7, 2016 Hi fellow LSers.. I have always turned to you when I have needed romantic advice, because more often than not the support and the wisdom I have received here has been amazing I hope you can help me this time as well. I (25, M) have been seeing this girl (26) for the last 8 months. Things have been pretty great so far - we are both fairly quiet people (at times socially awkward) and we "get" each other emotionally. I have never met someone with whom I can relate more on an intellectual and emotional level than her - which goes on to say how much I value this relationship. The last few months have been long distance - it's a 1.5 hour flight, but given the fact that we are both working and have busy schedules we are not able to meet as often as we would like to. Still, I try my best to travel and visit her 2-3 times a month (her job is more demanding so it is me who travels mostly). Everything has been going smoothly, except for one thing. She has a knack of correcting the way I pronounce certain words. She has often stopped me mid - sentence to correct my diction. While I used to appreciate her insights before, now her tone of correcting me has become condescending. Many of our conversations are then centred around how English is a vast collection of dialects and accents, and there can be multiple ways of pronouncing the same thing. This (she has admitted herself) is bit of an OCD for her. Additionally, I am a little reserved when it comes to interactions with new people. In conversations, I am never the loudest person - I mostly give my point of view if I think it is required, and mostly I keep to myself and listen. I work as a research manager in one of the big industrial firms, and my way of working, speaking and presenting has been appreciated by my peers and my seniors alike. However, my girlfriend at times feels like I am "too soft" and "too quiet", and that it bothers her, because the ability to interact well in a social setting is something she really wants out of an SO. These things bother me to the extent that sometimes I feel like she does not respect me, or give me the attention I need because I am not a loud person by default (although she has denied all of this). In part, a lot of this has been based on the men she has been in the past, who were mostly loud and extroverted. So my question to all of you is - while I am working on improving my social skills (and I have improved over the last few months), how do I deal with a partner who has high expectations? How many of you believe the idea that you should not pursue a relationship where the other person is not able to accept you into their life wholeheartedly?
MarkIVSteel Posted November 7, 2016 Posted November 7, 2016 She's talking to you in a condescending tone because she doesn't value or respect you.
Author Terrorblade Posted November 7, 2016 Author Posted November 7, 2016 I thought so too - but she does not take this tone with me all the time. She is a blunt person by default so even some of her closest friends have the same problem.
newheart Posted November 7, 2016 Posted November 7, 2016 Have you told her how her correcting you makes you feel, and that her tone can be perceived as condescending? If not, I'd definitely start here just to give her the benefit of the doubt - perhaps she thinks she is being helpful or doesn't realize that this is your perception.
MarkIVSteel Posted November 7, 2016 Posted November 7, 2016 I thought so too - but she does not take this tone with me all the time. She is a blunt person by default so even some of her closest friends have the same problem. But she takes the tone with you enough times to get you worried enough to post about it on this forum. Tell her you don't appreciate her condescending tone and she should cut it out. If she really values you, she will. If she doesn't, that tells you how highly she thinks of you.
TheTraveler Posted November 7, 2016 Posted November 7, 2016 Sounds to me she wants an outgoing, take charge, leader type of guy. 1
smackie9 Posted November 7, 2016 Posted November 7, 2016 Well it looks like the honeymoon period is over. This is when the rose colored glasses are lifted off, and all those negative things you over looked have come to the surface. You start to see what they are truly like. And IMO it's not looking very pretty. She wants someone who is extrovert is pretty much bullying you. You don't like her correcting you, her OCD, her bluntness, condescending attitude, disrespecting you. She doesn't like your, "soft" disposition.....but this is who you are as an individual, and you shouldn't let her shame you into changing. You both are actually more incompatibly than you think. Sorry but it's only going to get worse from here on out. You can make one last ditch effort by correcting her negative behavior towards you. Every time she interrupts you or becomes disrespectful, YOU stop her, and point it out to her what she is doing and how it makes you feel. What you are doing is breaking this bad habit, and hopefully reprogramming her brain. BUT if this ends up escalating into arguments, it's a loss cause, you and her will just end up resenting each other, and the relationship has run it's course.
jstar845 Posted November 9, 2016 Posted November 9, 2016 (edited) I see that you care about your girlfriend and she cares about you. When, your girlfriend corrects you this is who she is and its likely she would do this to anyone she knows. It’s understandable it can be frustrating having one’s grammar corrected by someone they love it feels like they are being picky. I believe it may be more of the perfection side of her. Also, it was mentioned that you are quiet. It seems that your girlfriend appreciates your qualities but wants you to speak up. I can tell you are an upstanding person and I see it as your girlfriend values your qualities and sees your attributes. In addition, you shouldn’t have to change yourself for anyone. I’m wondering if you have talked to your girlfriend to let her know how this makes you feel and to see what her intentions are for you?. Edited November 9, 2016 by jstar845
preraph Posted November 10, 2016 Posted November 10, 2016 She's wrong to pick on you about pronunciation constantly, but that's just one little problem. The bigger problem is you are too meek for her, and that's probably never going to change, so you're probably not a good fit. I tried dating a guy once that I could never get to be proactive about anything or take care of everyday issues because he was too meek, and that left it to me to be the one who took care of everything, and I realized if i wanted a kid, I'd have a kid. 1
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