newdaynewstart Posted July 12, 2005 Posted July 12, 2005 Hi all, I have read some of your posts off and on for the past week or so and need some advice. I have been in a LDR for about four months. We had known each other the past few years and saw each other at a wedding this summer. We randomly starting emailing in March and have been talking/seeing each other since then. We are about three hours apart. I have been off and on frustrated with the relationship and am starting to wonder if this is a relationship that I can handle right now. It started off really serious...more on his part than mine. I felt like we were both really wanted to see where this went and were looking at what we would do down the road if things continued to go well. We have had about four serious conversations now since my frustration begin. Here is the situation...the guy I am dating works a full-time job during the week and also works a lot of weekends. We are both 24 years old so the weekends that we do see each other a lot of times we have weddings to go to, family/friends around...so it is hard to really get that one one one time. Because he works a lot of weekends, recently bought a new house and has had a lot of weddings this summer to go to, I have been the one doing majority of the leg work to go and see him. I have probably been to see him five/six times, we have gone on a few trips away on the weekends with friends and because my family lives in between where the both of us live, he has met me three or so times. But he has never came to see me where I live...which is starting to bother me. I understand that he had this schedule where he worked on the weekends way before he met me and with buying his new house he will probably continue it...but i just feel like I am working harder to make this work than he is. I have confronted him about this. I have asked him why are conversations are not the same, I have told him that i sometimes feel like he is not that into this becuase I am the one putting a lot of work into making this work, that I am frustrated with the relationship and don't know where it is going. His response is always the same...he is a very blunt person and I know that if he did not want to be in this, he would not be. I know he enjoys spending time with me...I just think that we both want different out of this. He told me that he is going with the flow and that he thinks things are going good. That right now it has to be like this and down the road maybe things will change, and we will know when we need to make that change. But that right now it is too early on to make any big moves. I do agree with him on that. I just feel like we have been dating about four months and that things should have progressed more than they have. I just sometimes feel like we are more friends than anything because it is not growing to how I want it to. I know it has the potential..I just feel like with this cycle of seeing each other...him working the next two weeks and not seeing each other...that i am never going to get out of it what I want. Any advice on how I should handle this?
Lilyann Posted July 12, 2005 Posted July 12, 2005 When I read your post, I thought maybe it was my SO posting. My SO leaves 4 hours away and we have been going out for 4 months too. He has never come to visit you? Why is this? I do believe that you are doing all of the traveling work. Who does the calling? My So and I have taken turns visiting each other. This is just my thoughts the LD is getting to him - I don't know if we personally will make it . Have you thought about letting him set up when the two of you get together and let hime take the lead to see what happens? Lilyann
shygurl Posted July 12, 2005 Posted July 12, 2005 I think he's rather comfortable with the way things are because he's not really having to expend any effort or energy - you're the one who's doing all of the accomodating and compromising and making yourself available to him. If you've done that from the start, it's entirely possible he's just come to expect it. I suggest you make yourself less available - and no, I'm not suggesting you play games with him.....but stop going to see him so often. Find other things to do on the weekend for a few weekends in a row - even if it's just spend time by yourself and get caught up on things you want to do for you, or spend time with friends/family, take a mini vacation on the weekend with a girlfriend, etc. His reaction will be very telling - will he even notice you're not coming around? Will he seem to miss you a lot? Or will he just be fine with it? Have you ever asked him WHY he's made no attempt in all this time to come and visit you? If so, what's his response? Surely he doesn't have to work every single weekend or is he expected to work 6 or 7 days a week? Or are those just extra days he picks up for extra money? Is he a cheapskate? I've dated guys who were so terribly cheap and didn't want to make the 30 minute drive to see me because it would cost them gas LOL. Speaking of which, seeing how you're always the one going to see him and he's obviously enjoying it and making no attempts to go see you, does he ever offer to fill up your tank or whatever? 3 hrs each way to see him (6 hrs round trip) is a lot of time and gas............not cheap to be doing frequently.
gloria (newbie) Posted July 24, 2005 Posted July 24, 2005 From a girl's point of view... Aren't you guys being to radical about things? I have a bf, and I have a friend (he has a gf). True, we hanged out (two of us alone) in the past and we had this little "thing" going on although we never really kissed, but we talked about our feelings/intentions and both of us have made it very clear that we a) aren't interested anymore in someth. "romantic" b) we value our relationship with our bf/gf a lot c) our frienship is precious and we want to keep it that way A friend is a friend, a boyfriend is a boyfriend. Not? And he feels the same way about it (he told me he just wants us to be friends and i trust him being honest about it). Even though we see each other a lot (sometimes alone). And no, i don't think i'm unattractive Don't you guys think that, if you talk about it, and you come to an agreement, you truelly can "forget" about your feelings (except the platonic friendly feelings)?
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