Finding it hard to date after breakup

[MarkIVSteel]

I got cheated on and dumped by my ex of four years. It was really devastating to me because I was about to propose to her the next month. It put me in a really dark and depressing mood for quite a bit.

 

I started dating recently. I've met a couple of nice girls and they are really into me.

 

For some reason, i just don't have any motivation to date them. Please, don't hate on me for this but whenever I look at them all I can think of is how they like cheat on me later and I instantly get disgusted by them.

 

Just yesterday, I was on a date with one of them and she was all over me but I just couldn't feel anything for her because all I could think of was her cheating on me in the future.

 

I know it's such a negative mindset but I can't help it. Has anyone else been through this and if so, how did you overcome it?

 

I would really like to move past my experience with my ex because I don't want her having so much power over me like this.

 

Thanks.

[Sunkissedpatio]

It's not a negative mindset at all, you clearly haven't stopped healing yet and it's too soon to be dating. It doesn't matter the length of time since your breakup, what matters is how you feel. If you don't feel ready to see other women without reverting emotionally to your ex, then you shouldn't date.

 

Being with someone else seems like a good idea because it will help you manage the pain you feel, but it doesn't really work that way. You cannot run from the pain or suppress it because if you try you will just prologue it. It will resurface when you meet someone now because it's like trying to walk in a broken leg before it's put in a cast and healed. Sure you can force yourself to walk but the pain is still very much there.

[Buddhist]

Yes I've been there. The anger lingers for a long time, how long ago did this happen? If you're still in that space of not being to see a happy future with anyone then it's probably too early to be dating. It took me 4 years to fully get over it and well I'm over relationships as well now. I don't feel bitter anymore but neither do I see myself going down the rabbit hole again either.

[Ami1uwant]

When did you break up???

When did you start to date???

 

You obviously are not ready to date yet. When you stop having this gut feeling is when you are ready to date. The problem is you won't know if you are ready until you date.

 

The way your relationship ended is something that takes longer to recover because you were blindsided by her cheating when you were ready to propose.

[MarkIVSteel]

When did you break up???

When did you start to date???

 

You obviously are not ready to date yet. When you stop having this gut feeling is when you are ready to date. The problem is you won't know if you are ready until you date.

 

The way your relationship ended is something that takes longer to recover because you were blindsided by her cheating when you were ready to propose.

 

We broke up early September.

 

I started dating a month later, early October.

 

True. I guess I'll just keep dating but man, my trust is completely broken and I don't think I'll be able to commit myself to any woman like I did to her ever again no matter how hard I try.

[Sunkissedpatio]

I'm sorry but why would you keep dating knowing that you feel the way you do? What's the point?

 

What's wrong with being alone for a bit!?!

[Toodaloo]

We broke up early September.

 

I started dating a month later, early October.

 

True. I guess I'll just keep dating but man, my trust is completely broken and I don't think I'll be able to commit myself to any woman like I did to her ever again no matter how hard I try.

 

Quit dating for a while and restore your faith in humanity.

 

After four years being single for just a couple of months when you have been devastated... Your probably trying to push too soon.

 

Give yourself a break and try again when you are happier. Dating is hard enough why make it harder on yourself? Take your time...

 

You have started dating faster after a four year relationship than I did after a six month fling... Just saying.

[spideywoman]

Echoing what's been said. Let yourself heal and grieve. You're not ready yet. Be alone with yourself for a while. It's too soon to jump back into the pond and swim with the fish. The more you sit with yourself now and digest what has happened, the healthier partner you'll be to your next love interest. Don't sell yourself short. Take the time to process.

[MarkIVSteel]

I'm sorry but why would you keep dating knowing that you feel the way you do? What's the point?

 

What's wrong with being alone for a bit!?!

 

Thank you for all your responses. I really appreciate it.

 

I started dating because being alone just made me think about her and who she was with no matter how busy I tried to keep myself.

 

Once I started dating, I was able to pretty much forget all about her. I found that being in the company of other women made me realize that there are better women out there than her and I don't have to sit around moping. It's just the trust issues I have.

 

I feel like even if I were to stop dating for a while (how long is a while? 2 months? 3?), I would still not be trusting enough.

[joseb]

We broke up early September.

 

I started dating a month later, early October.

 

True. I guess I'll just keep dating but man, my trust is completely broken and I don't think I'll be able to commit myself to any woman like I did to her ever again no matter how hard I try.

 

Do you mean 2015 or just a few weeks ago?

Because 2015 would be about right timing to be actually ready to date after something like that

 

You need to learn to be alone for a bit. Dating in this mindset will not go well.

[BaileyB]

Counselling could help you to challenge your thinking and focus on something more positive. Good luck.

[Gaeta]

Thank you for all your responses. I really appreciate it.

 

I started dating because being alone just made me think about her and who she was with no matter how busy I tried to keep myself.

 

Once I started dating, I was able to pretty much forget all about her. I found that being in the company of other women made me realize that there are better women out there than her and I don't have to sit around moping. It's just the trust issues I have.

 

I feel like even if I were to stop dating for a while (how long is a while? 2 months? 3?), I would still not be trusting enough.

 

How would you like a woman to date you only to forget about her ex?

 

That is called using people as band-aid on your wounds.

 

A relationship of 4 years need a good 1 year of mourning. When you're 4 years with someone it's not only about losing a girlfriend, you are losing a life habit and a routine. It will take more than a couple of months.

 

Yes it hurts, and it's suppose to hurt. If you don't let it hurt now it will come and hurt you later.

 

Take time off, concentrate on other aspects of your life. Life is not all about dating and being with a woman. Work on having better relationship with other women, friends, colleagues, plan a trip, hit the gym, do volunteer work, take on a new hobby.

[Omei]

Not every girl will become a cheater it's a bit unfair you hold that to potential future partners.

 

You have to find a girl with the same values but still that won't garuntee anything.

 

My first bf I ever had cheated on me it hurt but I got passed it now I see cheaters as somewhat of a get out for free card if I ever came around one again I know that when that happens it will be a 100% answer to any wonders about the future and I think I could easily walk away from any cheater now tho.

 

I understand your fear in investing I spent nearly 5 years with a bf who just ended up being so lazy to a point where he was too lazy to even have a relationship and since then I have been much like you that I even stopped dating because uI would think the same way "am I gonna date this person for years just to have them leave because a relationship takes work?" So atm I'm not even dating at all.

 

My guess is like everything else it takes time the cheating thing I got over with time my guess is this will take lots of time too and maybe a very special person.. this new fear of mine is much likes urs just spawned differently.

 

I would stop dating till those feelings go away and you can leap again, because in the end love has no garuntee you have to not be afraid to leap and k ow the outcome might not be happy ever after. Just don't leap till your heart is strong enough again.

Edited November 7, 2016 by Omei

[MarkIVSteel]

Do you mean 2015 or just a few weeks ago?

Because 2015 would be about right timing to be actually ready to date after something like that

 

You need to learn to be alone for a bit. Dating in this mindset will not go well.

 

 

Oh, this was September last year.

[Satu]

You're just not ready to date yet.

 

 

"Never begin a new relationship until you've fully moved on from the one before.

 

Also never begin a new relationship with someone who hasn't fully moved on from their one before.

 

By 'moved on,' I mean any necessary grieving done, not preoccupied with the ex, enjoying life, feeling good about yourself, and optimistic about the future.

 

The best way to move on is to decide to be single for a while; not dating, not hooking up, no fwb. Some short term counselling if that appeals to you.

 

'Get back on the horse' is sound advice, but its best to let the cuts and bruises heal before you do."

 

 

Don't force it.

 

 

Take care.

[TheTraveler]

I got cheated on and dumped by my ex of four years. It was really devastating to me because I was about to propose to her the next month. It put me in a really dark and depressing mood for quite a bit.

 

I started dating recently. I've met a couple of nice girls and they are really into me.

 

For some reason, i just don't have any motivation to date them. Please, don't hate on me for this but whenever I look at them all I can think of is how they like cheat on me later and I instantly get disgusted by them.

 

Just yesterday, I was on a date with one of them and she was all over me but I just couldn't feel anything for her because all I could think of was her cheating on me in the future.

 

I know it's such a negative mindset but I can't help it. Has anyone else been through this and if so, how did you overcome it?

 

I would really like to move past my experience with my ex because I don't want her having so much power over me like this.

 

Thanks.

 

You should be alone for awhile.

[Sara1989]

Oh, this was September last year.

 

Ok but you are still not ready for dating and stop using these poor girls as a band aid to help you heal. Stop dating and focus on yourself and your issues.