Couples' daily habits

[Earlybird]

I'm struggling to get over or mend my broken down marriage right now, and I've just watched a video that made me think.

 

 

The video shows a couple's morning routine. I also watched their night time routine. I realised, if this is all I can realistically expect from a relationship, I don't think I'm ever going to be happy! My problem is loneliness. What I have always really craved is to wake up together, eat together, know what time he's likely to get home from work so I can have finished whatever I'm doing and give him a proper welcome, and most of all I want far FAR less use of mobile phones and computers than we see in said video. They're always in separate rooms looking at separate stuff, and they check their phones before giving each other a good morning. Am I hoping for way too much?

[Buddhist]

Yes, mostly that's all their is to it. If you are looking for someone to be in some kind of symbiotic relationship with you get a dog or cat. You are far more likely to have your need for undivided attention fulfilled that way. People just have far too much going on in their own minds to give that kind of attention. There's a whole host of fears that play out in the minds of humans that cause all sorts of disruption to intimacy. Most people spend the majority of time in a relationship wishing for time to themselves.

 

Unless these actions you desire truly come from his own desire to spend time with you in that way you will eventually be a source of resentment to him and he'll see you as a chore. This is the nature of people. They aren't easy relationships. For easy relationships get a pet.

[aileD]

A relationship is what both people make it.

 

I would be wary of putting unrealistic expectations on daily life. You may have some days like this you described, but some may not be.

 

It also helps to be grateful for what you do have, and to see the good parts of it.

 

In the first part of the video (which is all I watched ), what I did notice is that they were together. One of them didn't get off snd go down and watch tv or go out and meet an affair partner or whatever .

 

They shared time together even though they were doing their own thing. They are secure in each other.

[basil67]

Earlybird, my 20+ relationship sounds much like what you're looking for. But it's not all romance and being there for each other. It's also important to be able to entertain yourself and have your own friends outside of the marriage.

[Herbalist]

I think it may also become different for many once a relationship has gone on for quite a while. There is only so much to talk about, and for the vast majority of people it's the simple things in life we enjoy while tending to work, the grocery shopping, pumping gas and paying bills. It's tiresome and it can be a different type of bonding level when two people can sit comfortably in silence doing their own thing yet still be comforted in the back of their minds that the other is there.

 

I think it would still be important to do stuff together once in a while. But see first you go through the excitement of getting to know someone and forming the bond with them, and then once you have that strong bond and comfort with them, then you can explore more of life in general with that person in that strong, comfortable bond.

 

But not every day, not even most days can be a wild adventure. Again for the vast majority of people it's tending to all of the tiresome, mundane, stressful crap. Why do you think so many of us in the western world are fat? I mean for a lot of women especially that StarBucks is the highlight of the whole damn day lol. But that's just life, it's just realistic. When hard times are upon you, you don't want a clown, you want your friend.

[Popsicle]

Yes, realistically, it's pretty darn boring, but then again, there is a lot of security and comfort in it and that is invaluable too.

[Els]

What I have always really craved is to wake up together, eat together, know what time he's likely to get home from work so I can have finished whatever I'm doing and give him a proper welcome

 

How on earth are you going to do that on an everyday basis, unless you're a lady of leisure? If you have a job of your own chances are you would need to work later than him on some days. And if you're a SAHM there will be the cooking and/or the baby to attend to.

 

While I agree that couples need to make time for each other in general, your perception of an 'ideal couple life' seems rather unrealistic to me.

[seren]

Our early morning is H gets up after me, I have insomnia, I have made sure the coffee is on and the house warm before he gets up, put his clothes to warm and his socks on the heater. He gets up, comes into the lounge gives me a good morning swift peck and he and the dogs troop off to the dining room and kitchen while he has breakfast. I am in the lounge taking meds, catching up on email etc. He brings me a cuppa and toast and before he goes I go in hug him, we share ILY's and then he goes off to work. The evening sees us interact more and do the thousand and one routine things long term couples do. We have been together over 30 yrs, the routine has changed over time.

 

When you share a life, living space etc, things evolve into every day, it becomes a sort of dance, you both know the steps, you both know each of your parts in the dance, but you are still dancing the same song. A fast tango is lovely but would be exhausting over many years, it's the long slow dance that is the expression of love, the knowing where he fits and you fit and the tune, that is always the same. It isn't the tiring, exhilarating tango, but it its a dance worth saving. If you both want different things then it cannot be right, but if and when you do find your balance, then the dance is a beautiful thing indeed.

[Got it]

There is almost no way we could even do what you are wanting. I leave for work before he and the baby wakes up (ideally). So I am home earlier in the evening and he works later. With a child there is absolutely no way to have everything wrapped up, that idea actually boggles my mind. And I am not a morning person in regards to engaging in conversation so I do so much better alone.

 

And I a curious on what a "proper welcome" entails . . . . Inquiring minds . . . .

 

Instead of focusing on tasks, I like to look at it as filling each other's love bank. What speaks to the other person, what speaks to myself, what can we do to make the other feel acknowledged, loved, appreciated.

[Earlybird]

Actually, one of them did go down and watch TV on her own! After making breakfast just for herself, while he was upstairs on the computer (I think he was working though).

[Earlybird]

A relationship is what both people make it.

 

I would be wary of putting unrealistic expectations on daily life. You may have some days like this you described, but some may not be.

 

It also helps to be grateful for what you do have, and to see the good parts of it.

 

In the first part of the video (which is all I watched ), what I did notice is that they were together. One of them didn't get off snd go down and watch tv or go out and meet an affair partner or whatever .

 

They shared time together even though they were doing their own thing. They are secure in each other.

 

Actually, one of them DID go down and watch TV on her own! After making breakfast just for herself, while he was upstairs on the computer (I think he was working though).

[Earlybird]

There is almost no way we could even do what you are wanting. I leave for work before he and the baby wakes up (ideally). So I am home earlier in the evening and he works later. With a child there is absolutely no way to have everything wrapped up, that idea actually boggles my mind. And I am not a morning person in regards to engaging in conversation so I do so much better alone.

 

And I a curious on what a "proper welcome" entails . . . . Inquiring minds . . . .

 

Instead of focusing on tasks, I like to look at it as filling each other's love bank. What speaks to the other person, what speaks to myself, what can we do to make the other feel acknowledged, loved, appreciated.

 

I guess I'm getting an idea of what to expect now, although I can't help hoping for more. Seems the older couples have things more like I had in mind. I like the love bank idea though. I've not heard of that before, so will read up on it.

 

A proper welcome is open for all kinds of interpretation! Hahah! But I basically mean more often than not he has at least some where to sit down if he wants, as the sofa won't be covered in ironing or paperwork or some project, and I won't be in the middle of a long winded phone call that can't be interrupted, or I at least am not about to head out, or have just gone out.

 

I think my way of seeing life is a bit abnormal. I often can't help seeing things as if I'm looking back on life from my death bed, and questioning whether it was time well spent. Maybe it's because I've been dealing with a lot of death in the family recently, but I think I've always had a heavy way of seeing things. It's not like I stop occasionally to look at things that way. It's like I'm stuck seeing everything through that lens. I also had a really full on relationship with my daughter until she recently started growing out of it, so I've got that going on as well at the moment.

 

Also the work thing is an issue. Not surprisingly, some of you said work doesn't give you time to worry about this sort of thing. In my case, where I live (Brazil) there is a major recession on. If you want work you've got to invent work, and a lot of my inventions have backfired, so I'm pretty sure this adds to my feeling somewhat lost. Maybe I should go back to focusing more on tackling that side of things as a starting point.

[aileD]

You'll get more in the limerence stage of your relationship...so you won't miss out on it...but as the REAL love begins to develop you will find comfort in the ordinary.

[Shepp]

But thats normal life isnt it? Away from the holidays, the weekends away and the special occasions, you are left with normal day to day life.

 

We're a couple, but we're individual people outside that - we go about our own day to day lives but together, if that makes sense.

 

But you know what, I really enjoy the ordinary days, in a good relationship i think you should, you shouldn't be living for the special days.

 

Sure we're busy, sometimes I'm up early for work and she has to get the kids ready and take them to my mums before her job and then i might have football training in the evening, and she might be studying, she might be watching tele and i might be putting the kids to bed. Sometimes i do night shift at the station so i get in in the early hours and then I'll sort the kids and cook breakfast so she can have a lay in, she has work and i take the kids to nursery, maybe i'll catch some shut eye, or I'll be out on farm. She'll tidy the house, give me grief for some mess i've made, i'll cook us dinner.

 

It's real life. Real life means getting all that stuff done. Being with her means enjoying getting all that stuff done. Even when we're not physically together we're still combining to run our home, together. And i like that!

 

And within all that stuff we make time to be together! Every Friday we'll have lasagna night at my mum & dads with my bro & his fam. Those days we have off together where we appreciate getting to spend the day together. Those summer evenings when the kids are asleep and we sit out on the deck for hours, just chilling. Crashing on the sofa with takeaway and a good movie. Cooking dinner together with the kids - the best kind of mayhem! We'll sing along to the radio in the car, as loud as we can. She's a light sleeper, she'll always wake in the middle of the night, when she does she'll lay close and play with my hair, sometimes she'll half wake me - and i don't care one little bit, i can't get enough of waking up next to her!

 

I like adventure sure, backpacking around Thailand, volunteering in africa, roadtripping canada - i'm your man. But i sure as hell wouldnt be without my normal day to day life, its comforting!! I don't need to come home to a perfect house and dinner on the table and her welcoming me - i'm perfectly happy walking in to hyper kids, muddy dogs, and the missus trying to get a bird out of the kitchen - as i walked into today!

[BluesPower]

I am going against the grain on this one.

 

I think it should be way more than people expect. I feel like EB as well.

 

For example, when I kiss my wife it is always as sexy kiss, never a peck. I think that this little thing helps to keep the fires burning.

 

If you cannot have a meaningful, sexy, relationship or marriage, why have it at all.

 

I can have meaningless sex with a lot of women and it is just that kind of meaningless. I mean it is great fun just not meaningful.

 

I make love with my wife, and when we can I want to spend meaningful time with her are well.

 

I think we should all strive to have the "Ideal" relationship if at all possible.

 

Probably too corny for a lot you guys...

[Tayla]

Best moments were spent supporting each other. If he was repairing the car..I helped or offered.if he needed his report typed up..I was there to lend a hand. We did those small gestures since we were a team.

Technology has its place...such as a kind text to say:Hon, good luck on your presentation!"

 

Otherwise make the time...to share those little things...

Worse thing to do is to miss out on those little things...to take life and that love for granted. No person who grieved the loss of their great love ever said..ya know he interrupted my tv show or stayed home way too much. Quite the opposite..

[Toodaloo]

Life isn't all peaches and cream...

 

This actually looks pretty good to me. They come together and also do things apart... They are relaxed and happy with no illusions.

 

I can't believe I have just wasted five minutes of my life watching such banality though... or that they sleep with their phones under their pillows...

 

Anyhoo. This is life. Its not all hearts and flowers and birds singing... Its bum scratches on the way to the loo and making each other a cup of tea... Then you spice it up with dates and doing things you both enjoy together. You keep yourself entertained and happy by doing your own thing...

 

Its life! I like it...

[Earlybird]

You'll get more in the limerence stage of your relationship...so you won't miss out on it...but as the REAL love begins to develop you will find comfort in the ordinary.

 

Ok, just looked this word up. We didn't have a limerence stage. I had this theory that most relationships fail because people don't pace themselves, so I thought we were going to do ok if we stuck at it. At the beginning of the relationship I was too focused on preparing for the future. Now wondering if we can build some limerence into it at this late stage, or if we or I need to start again.

[Earlybird]

There is almost no way we could even do what you are wanting. I leave for work before he and the baby wakes up (ideally). So I am home earlier in the evening and he works later. With a child there is absolutely no way to have everything wrapped up, that idea actually boggles my mind. And I am not a morning person in regards to engaging in conversation so I do so much better alone.

 

And I a curious on what a "proper welcome" entails . . . . Inquiring minds . . . .

 

Instead of focusing on tasks, I like to look at it as filling each other's love bank. What speaks to the other person, what speaks to myself, what can we do to make the other feel acknowledged, loved, appreciated.

 

Ok, I've been reading about the love bank and I am now confused and mystified! Can we both be owing each other, and if so is one debt then deducted from the other? I don't even know how we got to open an account in the first place!! Oh dear.

[Els]

I guess I'm getting an idea of what to expect now, although I can't help hoping for more. Seems the older couples have things more like I had in mind.

 

I doubt so, unless they are retired or were rich enough that the woman could live a relatively leisurely life. My grandparents certainly never had that luxury before they retired - my grandfather worked long hours at manual labour supporting the family, and my grandmother took care of all the children and all the work around the house that had to be done without the aid of modern automation (think washing the entire family's clothes by hand).

 

I think my way of seeing life is a bit abnormal. I often can't help seeing things as if I'm looking back on life from my death bed, and questioning whether it was time well spent. Maybe it's because I've been dealing with a lot of death in the family recently, but I think I've always had a heavy way of seeing things. It's not like I stop occasionally to look at things that way. It's like I'm stuck seeing everything through that lens. I also had a really full on relationship with my daughter until she recently started growing out of it, so I've got that going on as well at the moment.

I think it's perfectly fine to want to have moments every day with your loved ones that you will cherish and remember. I do that when I can, too. It just doesn't have to be as rigid as what you describe. Those moments can take place anywhere and at any time, they don't depend on fulfilling a ritual that isn't really attainable for the vast majority of the working class.

 

Also the work thing is an issue. Not surprisingly, some of you said work doesn't give you time to worry about this sort of thing. In my case, where I live (Brazil) there is a major recession on. If you want work you've got to invent work, and a lot of my inventions have backfired, so I'm pretty sure this adds to my feeling somewhat lost. Maybe I should go back to focusing more on tackling that side of things as a starting point.

You should definitely put more effort and time into that IMO. As amazing as love and loving relationships are, most of us need more than that in our lives to feel fulfilled. That's why SAHMs are encouraged to make some time for themselves, to pick up a hobby or skill or part-time job after their kids are off to school. Many of them have said that it helped. Edited November 10, 2016 by Elswyth

[Popsicle]

I am going against the grain on this one.

 

I think it should be way more than people expect. I feel like EB as well.

 

For example, when I kiss my wife it is always as sexy kiss, never a peck. I think that this little thing helps to keep the fires burning.

 

If you cannot have a meaningful, sexy, relationship or marriage, why have it at all.

 

I can have meaningless sex with a lot of women and it is just that kind of meaningless. I mean it is great fun just not meaningful.

 

I make love with my wife, and when we can I want to spend meaningful time with her are well.

 

I think we should all strive to have the "Ideal" relationship if at all possible.

 

Probably too corny for a lot you guys...

 

 

No, it's not corny and I totally agree. If it's not meaningful, sexy and romantic, then I don't want to be bothered, but that's just me.

 

I know a lot of people are in their marriage for security and comfort (barf) but I really do need something more driving me to be there, and for sure, if there are negatives that go along with the security and comfort, then I'm out of there.

Edited November 10, 2016 by Popsicle

[Got it]

Ok, I've been reading about the love bank and I am now confused and mystified! Can we both be owing each other, and if so is one debt then deducted from the other? I don't even know how we got to open an account in the first place!! Oh dear.

 

Goodness, no! It is about what makes you feel loved, read the 5 love languages, and the person knowing this and doing things you need to feel loved/appreciated. So when things are not done your love bank start depleting. Now life happens and you will know that they are focused elsewhere but because they have "paid into your love bank" repeatedly that you will continued to feel satisfied/secure through this process. When one's love bank is empty/low you need attention, communication, sex, etc. to refill it. It is just a nice way of saying that you need something from the other person, and for you to do to love your SO.

 

The account is open at the beginning of following in love. It is easy in the beginning because the relationship tends to be a top priority and so we are all more invested in daily installments. But people tend to show love how they want to be loved so that is where the 5 love languages come into play. So they think they are showing love/depositing into the SO love bank, but it isn't speaking their language so it isn't resonating the way they want it to.

 

And everyone is different. Some people need less, some need more. It really depends and it is about compromising and honoring your SO and wanting to do what makes them happy as well as making one's self happy as well.