How do I solve relationship problems? As not able to get solution from last 5 years m

[user1478468007]

Hi this is my first question as trying to find solution to this massive problem on my own from last 5 years. We been married 15 years with 2 beautiful kids.i have try to explain my wife so many times in late night discussions in every possible way that we should make each other priority and look after each others needs. After that long talks we end up making lists of needs we need to work on however with in a week it's all gone out of her mind and she will be set in old ways as before. Also asked some close friends to discuss issues with no help at all. (WASTE OF THERE AND MY TIME).

 

I work full time to support family my working hours 7.30 to 7.00 and weekends free for family.she works 2 half days very near to home.

 

As men I have simple requirements like lot of married men I THINK I need love,respect and sex. My requirements met with no love from her she is sort tempered person likes to shout as much as possible for small things and as far as sex is concerned we made commitment so many times to have 5 times sex a week however we end up having once or twice a month the most.However it seems her needs is spending money on every possible way everyday spending time on phone with her parents brother and sister or finding some useless friends talking for hours on phone or cleaning house cooking and spending time with kids. End of the day full day of work when I need her companionship she don't have anything left for us she goes to bed around 8.00 I come from work At 7.00 sometimes she is around but she wants to watch movies of her choice if it's my choice she will be snoring next to me in 10 min.

 

It's a love marriage after 1 year of dating she asked me to get married for 3 months and I have said yes to her requests with one rule we should make each other priority in our life that's the biggest requirement I had.(actual fact I am steel the same need the same attention).

 

After 10 days in to marriage I realized my wife's priority is never gonna change now at 15 years it steel same. She is real close to parents brother and sister. She talks to them daily although we live 10000 kilometers away from them now. Biggest blow of my life to our relationship was she like to lie for them to cover there mistake and misdeeds always after 15 years it's the same nothing changed in that area. I have completely stopped talking to the my wifes whole family after number favors done to them without any appreciation from wife or there family.

 

I always believed husbund and wife should be one team against whole world however in our case I found she always like to take part from opposite end even in the matter of friends or family.

 

Our relationship is gone down so much I am thinking of taking a break or separation.only thread binding us is kids not sure for how long.

 

I have noticed she like to stay unhappy from last 5 years I hardly see her happy and positive. Whenever she is out with friends or her family she is happy as it can be the moment we go out togather as family she just be there as physical presence. rest of the time on the phone whats app and Facebook takes lot of time for her.

 

I like to find my own solution in last 5 years I read lot of books on subject of relationship marriage also listened to lots of books. I am not able to find solution as now I can clearly see the problem is her behavior in relationship. Also learnt that if i change matter might change i also tried that however i feel whenever i be as positive nice and work hard for her she takes advantage and nothing in return.

 

I think this the one thing in my life I feel I stuck forever as due to kids and 1000 other reason I am not able to move out and start fresh. As my age is 39 and she 35.

 

I really really need help so desperately as I am going mad living in house with daily fights no love or respect from her. I feel she is treating me.like ATM machine nothing more.

[spiderowl]

It sounds like the relationship is over to all intents and purposes. You might as well find a way to end the marriage and move out. I know it is extremely difficult with family and home, but if you have expressed your needs and your wife ignores them, then you either stay and put up with it or change things.

 

While marriage counselling might help, it does rather sound to me like both of you have lost respect for each other. Much can be done if there is mutual respect and both are willing to make an effort. Do you think that is the case here?

[dreamingoftigers]

It seems as though you've rad a lot and tried talking a lot to her.

 

But I've got to ask, what are her needs?

 

Did she request during these talks to have anything different?

 

She is working 2.5 days per week, but it also sounds as though she's doing all of the kid stuff and the house stuff.

 

I can honestly see her resenting you not appreciating that.

 

I know that isn't exactly what you want to hear, but I think this might be one of those " no one is a particular arsehole " here. But it seems as though you feel very lonely, and your wife doesn't get that.

 

She may (very easily) just see you as not being satisfied and more like complaining about what you don't have. You have sex twice a week, and that isn't "good enough." She's "too involved with family, cleaning, kids etc."

 

Do you kind of see what I see? You may have addresses it all very well, so forth so on, but it may just very well sound insulting to her.

 

Have you tried taking an interest in her interests.

 

Because most women, when they don't feel appreciated as a person etc. Don't feel like hitting the sheets and will avoid it.

[Redhead14]

Hi this is my first question as trying to find solution to this massive problem on my own from last 5 years. We been married 15 years with 2 beautiful kids.i have try to explain my wife so many times in late night discussions in every possible way that we should make each other priority and look after each others needs. After that long talks we end up making lists of needs we need to work on however with in a week it's all gone out of her mind and she will be set in old ways as before. Also asked some close friends to discuss issues with no help at all. (WASTE OF THERE AND MY TIME).

 

I work full time to support family my working hours 7.30 to 7.00 and weekends free for family.she works 2 half days very near to home.

 

As men I have simple requirements like lot of married men I THINK I need love,respect and sex. My requirements met with no love from her she is sort tempered person likes to shout as much as possible for small things and as far as sex is concerned we made commitment so many times to have 5 times sex a week however we end up having once or twice a month the most.However it seems her needs is spending money on every possible way everyday spending time on phone with her parents brother and sister or finding some useless friends talking for hours on phone or cleaning house cooking and spending time with kids. End of the day full day of work when I need her companionship she don't have anything left for us she goes to bed around 8.00 I come from work At 7.00 sometimes she is around but she wants to watch movies of her choice if it's my choice she will be snoring next to me in 10 min.

 

It's a love marriage after 1 year of dating she asked me to get married for 3 months and I have said yes to her requests with one rule we should make each other priority in our life that's the biggest requirement I had.(actual fact I am steel the same need the same attention).

 

After 10 days in to marriage I realized my wife's priority is never gonna change now at 15 years it steel same. She is real close to parents brother and sister. She talks to them daily although we live 10000 kilometers away from them now. Biggest blow of my life to our relationship was she like to lie for them to cover there mistake and misdeeds always after 15 years it's the same nothing changed in that area. I have completely stopped talking to the my wifes whole family after number favors done to them without any appreciation from wife or there family.

 

I always believed husbund and wife should be one team against whole world however in our case I found she always like to take part from opposite end even in the matter of friends or family.

 

Our relationship is gone down so much I am thinking of taking a break or separation.only thread binding us is kids not sure for how long.

 

I have noticed she like to stay unhappy from last 5 years I hardly see her happy and positive. Whenever she is out with friends or her family she is happy as it can be the moment we go out togather as family she just be there as physical presence. rest of the time on the phone whats app and Facebook takes lot of time for her.

 

I like to find my own solution in last 5 years I read lot of books on subject of relationship marriage also listened to lots of books. I am not able to find solution as now I can clearly see the problem is her behavior in relationship. Also learnt that if i change matter might change i also tried that however i feel whenever i be as positive nice and work hard for her she takes advantage and nothing in return.

 

I think this the one thing in my life I feel I stuck forever as due to kids and 1000 other reason I am not able to move out and start fresh. As my age is 39 and she 35.

 

I really really need help so desperately as I am going mad living in house with daily fights no love or respect from her. I feel she is treating me.like ATM machine nothing more.

 

The first step you need to make is to evaluate YOUR role and contribution or lack thereof to the failure of the relationship. While you need love, respect and sex, are you giving her what she needs? Or least making sincere effort? I see you taking "her" inventory but I don't see anything about what you could do differently.

 

Since there are children involved, it is very important to turn over every stone in order to find ways to make the marriage work.

 

I think it's time for you to sit down with her and tell her that the relationship isn't working for you and find a good counselor for couple's therapy/family therapy as well as finding individual counselors. If she refuses, you draw a line for yourself and request a separation. Start looking for suitable places to live so that if you need to do that, you are prepared to do it immediately. Make a stance and hold to it.

 

The two of you have run this relationship into the ground doing things "YOUR/HER" way. Relationship skills are lacking here. You have nothing to lose by seeking help from a qualified therapist because everything you two have been doing shows you don't have what's needed for the job.

[Herbalist]

I agree with Redhead14 about trying a couples therapist. The needs you describe sound pretty reasonable to me, but the situation also hints at there being a major communication problem.

 

This is a common problem in marriages and it commonly plays out the way you describe. A lot of women are not encouraged growing up to be bold and assertive about what's on their mind and what is really bothering them. Like the whole stereotype of being an opinionated male means you're a real man, being an opinionated female means you're a b****. Sort of thing. Then it can get passed down generationally and self-perpetuate that way. Passive-aggressive mother is passive-aggressive to her daughter, daughter grows up only knowing how to express anger passive-aggressively. Etc. The result is crap communication.

 

So try couples therapy for sure, a therapist can help bridge the communication gap, help someone open up and help teach better communication skills / resolve issues in the way of communication.

 

If therapy is a total bust after a couple months trying or your wife refuses to try couples therapy with you then it is what it is and you'll have to make a decision.

[user1478468007]

Hi really happy to see so many people wants to help any feedback if good and appriciate you taking time out of your busy life and help me . I am happy to see all kind of feedback positive and mostly negative.As you might already know english is my third laugauge so really sorry about grammer and spellings.

 

All i want out of this is a solution to the problem not who is better correct and wrong. We both are better and in wrong in many ways. Also if anyone can learn out of this wrtings and improve what we are doing wrong that is one of the reason coming here to discuss also. I know i can run away from this problem today however i know what happens to kids due to my personal needs not met.

 

I made a mistake i have written this when i was not happy and angry about situation so did not manage to give you both side of story.

 

Biggest mistake in above writing i never had that demand or requirment of sex 5 times a week( although would nto say no to that). Alli want is qulity time with some Action few times a week is that wrong or too much. We dont tend to spend time togather its just living in one house living diffrent life. i am mostly reading books and computer and she is always on phone facebook and television soaps.

 

I will try to explain bit better this time.

 

We both are diffrent personality i am more of simple guy not much needs i am not matiriliatic person who need things to feel happy. Where she needs expensive meal out,shopping clothings shoes,new phones,cars house and best things in life to be happy.We have new rule in house although she works 6 hours each day for 2 days what ever earning she get she keeps it and spend it her way and i need to pay whole house and all bills mortgage everything. As far as help at home is ther i never use to know anything like cleaning cooking (I know spoiled by my mum) Now i cook 2 or 3 times a week for whole family as i like tasty food to eat and to feed my family.

 

I try to change my self in her way and spent money what i dont like to do with 100% effort and with 100% involvement.

Just one example i like to get massage atleast once a week or every 2 weeks. However after number of request i am turned down most of the time. Good thing is i like to give massage also and i am good at it. So i use to offer massage all the time never kept record however when ever i feel tired all i get is excuse.

 

She is good in house work and keeping house in great shape cooking for kids and cleaning and washing up no complaints on that part. However i feel before everything husbund should be her priority and i should give her the most priority.

But i can see everyday she is so tired after the whole day dont have time energy or interest in anything other than TV Phone or sleep.

 

I started listening to audio books on relationship and reading books from amazon i understand after that or even before it takes 2 to tango in our case that might be a problem as feels my needs are simple and her needs are endless.

 

I am not sure how much i can write and how this will help me or anyone else. Please feel free to coment negative or positive i would like to get feedback or help to solve problem to change atleast 4 peoples life. if that changes we can impact lot more people postivly as happy people are better people i think??

[jenkins95]

Hi OP

 

Sorry to hear that you are going through a tough time. The balance between time/affection spent on family versus spouse is a tricky one, and it's contributed to issues in my marriage too. In our case, we have talked long and hard about it and are managing to deal with it at the moment.

 

Some people are closer to their families than others. Some spouses can be confused by this especially if they are not equally as close to their own parents/family, etc - they can take it as an insult, or feel that they are less important. This is a real shame because there should always be room for everyone, as long as, as you say, spouses make each other their number 1 priority.

 

In your case, I think if you want to save your marriage, you have to take a slightly different approach. Now obviously, I don't know your circumstances, but the fact that your W lives 10,000KM away from her family is a big deal. I couldn't even persuade my wife to move 40KM from her folks - this was/is a big issue for us. Did she move for you? If so, this shows a huge amount of commitment and willingness to change for you, and the fact that she is so far away from them naturally means she will miss them. You say that you don't even speak to her family any more. I'm sure that this causes her great hurt and it is clear that you both resent each other. Why don't you talk to them? Is it because you see them as fundamentally "bad" people, or is it simply a reflection of your own frustrations and jealousy that you see she has put them first above you?

 

I believe that if the balance is made right, married life can be so enriched by having family closely involved. How about you take drastic action and a different approach because currently it seems like you are locked in a resentment-filled stalemate? how about admitting that you have made things difficult for her and that you want to wipe the slate clean. That you recognise that it is a big deal being 10,000KM from her family and that she needs their support...and that this doesn't automatically mean that she doesn't love you or that you are less important. Say that you want to start afresh and make a real effort with her family and will start talking to them again. Say that the only reason for your recent behaviour is your own frustration in. I think if you take this approach, she will relax and meet you half way. How about setting rules e.g. Tue and Thu evenings, she can message, skype, email etc her family all she wants, but all other days (except special occasions or emergencies) should be kept just for you guys?

 

I know exactly how you feel as I have experienced similar things. The only thing I know for sure is that when I started trying to get my wife to pull away from her family, avoiding them a little and speaking negatively (but still respectfully) about them, it made her miserable and she pulled away from me even more, When I accepted how important they were to her, made a huge effort with them (even though they naturally get on my nerves a bit) and showed my wife that they were always welcome and that I loved them too....that's when she came back emotionally to me, was visibly happier and grateful to me...and did her part in showing me that while they were important, I was the number one priority.

 

It has to be all about compromise.

 

Good luck OP!

[Gloria25]

IMO, you stay till the kids are 18, up and out.

 

The kids don't deserve a broken home and you decided to make two kids with her, despite within days of your marriage, she showed you endlesss red flags.

 

It just boggles my mind why people marry and/or marry another person on a 'hop, skip, and prayer' that all the red, bright red flags (flying high) that they see are just gonna go away once you put a ring on it and/or knock it up....and I, a single woman, who treats my men like kings, can't get a guy to barely have a convo with me w/o questioning my motivations...I swear, men love manipulative women.

Edited November 8, 2016 by Gloria25

[Gloria25]

Hi OP

 

Sorry to hear that you are going through a tough time. The balance between time/affection spent on family versus spouse is a tricky one, and it's contributed to issues in my marriage too. In our case, we have talked long and hard about it and are managing to deal with it at the moment.

 

Some people are closer to their families than others. Some spouses can be confused by this especially if they are not equally as close to their own parents/family, etc - they can take it as an insult, or feel that they are less important. This is a real shame because there should always be room for everyone, as long as, as you say, spouses make each other their number 1 priority.

 

In your case, I think if you want to save your marriage, you have to take a slightly different approach. Now obviously, I don't know your circumstances, but the fact that your W lives 10,000KM away from her family is a big deal. I couldn't even persuade my wife to move 40KM from her folks - this was/is a big issue for us. Did she move for you? If so, this shows a huge amount of commitment and willingness to change for you, and the fact that she is so far away from them naturally means she will miss them. You say that you don't even speak to her family any more. I'm sure that this causes her great hurt and it is clear that you both resent each other. Why don't you talk to them? Is it because you see them as fundamentally "bad" people, or is it simply a reflection of your own frustrations and jealousy that you see she has put them first above you?

 

I believe that if the balance is made right, married life can be so enriched by having family closely involved. How about you take drastic action and a different approach because currently it seems like you are locked in a resentment-filled stalemate? how about admitting that you have made things difficult for her and that you want to wipe the slate clean. That you recognise that it is a big deal being 10,000KM from her family and that she needs their support...and that this doesn't automatically mean that she doesn't love you or that you are less important. Say that you want to start afresh and make a real effort with her family and will start talking to them again. Say that the only reason for your recent behaviour is your own frustration in. I think if you take this approach, she will relax and meet you half way. How about setting rules e.g. Tue and Thu evenings, she can message, skype, email etc her family all she wants, but all other days (except special occasions or emergencies) should be kept just for you guys?

 

I know exactly how you feel as I have experienced similar things. The only thing I know for sure is that when I started trying to get my wife to pull away from her family, avoiding them a little and speaking negatively (but still respectfully) about them, it made her miserable and she pulled away from me even more, When I accepted how important they were to her, made a huge effort with them (even though they naturally get on my nerves a bit) and showed my wife that they were always welcome and that I loved them too....that's when she came back emotionally to me, was visibly happier and grateful to me...and did her part in showing me that while they were important, I was the number one priority.

 

It has to be all about compromise.

 

Good luck OP!

 

The issue here isn't "compromise". This is another typical story of some guy who got duped into the fairytale of having a family and apple pie and all that.

 

Look, most women now a days have no respect for men. Men are sperm donors, wallets, and babysitters. Once you put a ring on her and give her a kid, forget it...cuz, you're now just a bystander along for the ride while she lives her life. So friends, her family, her job, and the kids will always be a priority to her over you.

 

I don't know why men even bother to get married anymore...from what I'm seeing it's desperate and/or lonely guys who are still getting duped into marriage.

 

BTW, she sounds like she also has no life. Typical of these good for nothing women who lean on their family so much and can't create a separate and meaningful life with their own family.

[Redhead14]

Frankly, OP, I think you ignored reality when you were dating her. She's been "the way she is" since the beginning. I don't think you evaluated her objectively and, perhaps, just wanted to have a relationship for the sake of having a relationship rather than realizing that she was not a good partner and there was a lack of compatibility from the beginning.

 

That being said, you entered into a marriage with her and now there are children involved, so you owe it to them and yourself to put in some serious effort into it. Not studying the internet for answers, suggestions, etc. and reading self-help books. While that's not such a bad thing, you are, however, operating in the vacuum of the "relationship" -- you need outside, professional, focused and a "tailored" approach for your situation.

 

If neither or you wants to do that, then it's simply time to seek a divorce. The environment in the home must be stifling for the children. There is a saying that goes: "children would rather BE from a broken home than IN one."

 

Put the children's needs first . . .

[aileD]

It seems as though you've rad a lot and tried talking a lot to her.

 

But I've got to ask, what are her needs?

 

Did she request during these talks to have anything different?

 

She is working 2.5 days per week, but it also sounds as though she's doing all of the kid stuff and the house stuff.

 

I can honestly see her resenting you not appreciating that.

 

I know that isn't exactly what you want to hear, but I think this might be one of those " no one is a particular arsehole " here. But it seems as though you feel very lonely, and your wife doesn't get that.

 

 

She may (very easily) just see you as not being satisfied and more like complaining about what you don't have. You have sex twice a week, and that isn't "good enough." She's "too involved with family, cleaning, kids etc."

 

Do you kind of see what I see? You may have addresses it all very well, so forth so on, but it may just very well sound insulting to her.

 

Have you tried taking an interest in her interests.

 

Because most women, when they don't feel appreciated as a person etc. Don't feel like hitting the sheets and will avoid it.

 

THIS. and I can say this because this was me.

 

My husband also has always said "our marriage should come first before the kids".

 

He has always felt that way, and so did I.....before we actually had kids.

 

Now, I still feel that way but actually making it a reality was NOT EASY.

 

It's easier now that the kids are older. But honestly, I was the same way. After all day with the kids and house and all that crap, actually talking on the phone or sleeping was a huge deal to me. And shopping....I would go shopping just to get away from the chaos of the kids at home. Honestly, husbands work all day and come home and want the attention to be all on them and the wives that are home wtih the kids are thinking "finally another adult, here watch these kids while I go escape to peace and quiet for an hour".

 

My H would make requests of me too....but he wouldn't do anything to help foster those requests. It was just me having to change. He never took initiative to get a babysitter so we could be alone instead of tag teaming, he never did the chores without complaining, never spent time wooing me into sex instead of just humping my leg at midnight and wondering why I didn't want to jump on.

 

Are you thinking of your wife and her needs too? I know you said you need the attention and you've always been like that...Maybe you should look into changing that about yourself.

 

you made a family with this woman and she's doing her part. Yes, your marriage is important.. She definitely needs to work on it and on herself but don't think that you don't either.

 

I hope it works out. Maybe instead of coming up with a list of needs and expecting them to all get met at once, maybe you could each make a list of needs that you have...a physical list....order them by nubmer of importance and choose ONE thing from each persons list to work on for the next 60 days. That way it's not so overwhelming that everything has to change all at once and pressure pressure pressure. Take it slow. marriage is a marathon, not a dash.