simplicity1 Posted November 6, 2016 Posted November 6, 2016 My boyfriend (28) of 10 months had a strange talk with me (25) last night. He said that for the past month or so he has been feeling a sense of detachment from his life. Even while doing his hobbies with his friends, he doesn't feel fully immersed, and he is not feeling excited about social interaction (e.g. He feels like he's being cold to friends he runs into on the bus.) Then the convo took a turn when he said he's also been somewhat feeling that toward me. He said that the relationship feels less shiny and that he has to 'pull back the cobwebs' of his previous 5 year relationship to try to remember if that's a normal feeling to have ~1 year in or not. I was extremely caught off guard by him feeling this towards our relationship. I assumed he was "all in" and that things like comfort and stability are what he's all about, and that it's just a matter of me taking my final steps towards transitioning from the high-amplitude (aka fight or drama filled) romantic situations of my past towards a state of mind where I could enjoy this. So far so good on my end. Should I be worried about his conversation with me?? What about the fact that he's broadly feeling this way to a lot of things in his life? Should I assume that his feelings in the past month are not specific to me/us? should I try to reach out to him either more or less? We followed the conversation with extremely passionate sex, and spent the next morning talking casually about other things. If this is a problem with his broad outlook lately, how do I help him? If this is a problem with his feelings about the relationship, how do I help us?
Gaeta Posted November 6, 2016 Posted November 6, 2016 You cannot help him with his feelings toward your relationship. He needs to work this out on his own. Did he have a big disappointment lately like losing a job? losing a promotion? is he where he wants to be professionally?
soph-walker Posted November 6, 2016 Posted November 6, 2016 If I was you I'd think wether on not I wanted to be with him or get too long term and involved with him as he may turn around and say he'd not want to be with you because of whatever problems he is dealing with or had to think about
elaine567 Posted November 6, 2016 Posted November 6, 2016 Either he is feeling down about something outwith your relationship, work, family, friends, career, money, stress... etc. or he is becoming clinically depressed (is there any history of depression?) OR your relationship is in some way the cause of his "feeling down". I think as he specifically mentioned you and this relationship being less "shiny" recently, then you need to sit up and take notice. I cannot really see why he needed to mention you, if he was just feeling generally down, but saying that some depressed people will self isolate and will push loved ones away. However he may also be giving you prior warning. He may be plucking up the courage to break up, and once that is done, his mood may suddenly improve... Be careful. BTW - To some sex is just sex, so do not see that as "proof" he is really into you. He may be, he may be not.
smackie9 Posted November 6, 2016 Posted November 6, 2016 Him opening up to you like that is actually a very good thing. He's feeling depressed. People will go through spells of depression for no reason. Something simple as regular exercise can give them a boost, pulls away the cobwebs and increase testosterone. So you can easily fix this IMO. Just introduce actives that are physical, like rock climbing, hiking, kayaking, take salsa dance lessons, scuba diving, run a small marathon, workout together, take classes together at a gym, etc. Doing things outside your comfort zone will bring things back to life too, like bungee jumping, sky diving, or plan a trip to an amusement park and be like kids again. You have so many options to bring fun and spontaneity back into the relationship.
leogirl876 Posted November 6, 2016 Posted November 6, 2016 Him opening up to you like that is actually a very good thing. He's feeling depressed. People will go through spells of depression for no reason. Something simple as regular exercise can give them a boost, pulls away the cobwebs and increase testosterone. So you can easily fix this IMO. Just introduce actives that are physical, like rock climbing, hiking, kayaking, take salsa dance lessons, scuba diving, run a small marathon, workout together, take classes together at a gym, etc. Doing things outside your comfort zone will bring things back to life too, like bungee jumping, sky diving, or plan a trip to an amusement park and be like kids again. You have so many options to bring fun and spontaneity back into the relationship. Yeah...but...be careful with that. This guy could be bipolar or something and let me tell you, it's extremely difficult dating someone who's manic-depressive or just depressive. It sucks the energy out of you. Now, if he's just feeling down from life circumstances, that's a different story. 1
smackie9 Posted November 6, 2016 Posted November 6, 2016 We followed the conversation with extremely passionate sex, and spent the next morning talking casually about other things. This is a good sign. He got something off his chest, you listened, now he is so relieved.....he is feeling better. It doesn't sound to me he is giving up but looking to you to help him and he trusts you enough to do so. We get so many threads of guys holding back their feelings and suffer in silence, ready to throw in the towel. Some even think about or have resorted to cheating instead of communicating to their partner. Your BF really stepped up and showed you vulnerability which can be pretty rare in a lot of cases. I think you are going to be ok. Especially if you keep positive and accept the challenge to make things better for him....and you too!
Author simplicity1 Posted November 6, 2016 Author Posted November 6, 2016 This is a good sign. He got something off his chest, you listened, now he is so relieved.....he is feeling better. It doesn't sound to me he is giving up but looking to you to help him and he trusts you enough to do so. We get so many threads of guys holding back their feelings and suffer in silence, ready to throw in the towel. Some even think about or have resorted to cheating instead of communicating to their partner. Your BF really stepped up and showed you vulnerability which can be pretty rare in a lot of cases. I think you are going to be ok. Especially if you keep positive and accept the challenge to make things better for him....and you too! Besides keeping positive, any advice how I could support him and us?
GoreSP Posted November 6, 2016 Posted November 6, 2016 Him opening up to you like that is actually a very good thing. He's feeling depressed. People will go through spells of depression for no reason. Something simple as regular exercise can give them a boost, pulls away the cobwebs and increase testosterone. So you can easily fix this IMO. Just introduce actives that are physical, like rock climbing, hiking, kayaking, take salsa dance lessons, scuba diving, run a small marathon, workout together, take classes together at a gym, etc. Doing things outside your comfort zone will bring things back to life too, like bungee jumping, sky diving, or plan a trip to an amusement park and be like kids again. You have so many options to bring fun and spontaneity back into the relationship. This! But I will add he should talk tohus doctor. Feeling a sense of detachment from things he used to enjoy is a pretty clear sign he is depressed...
Space Ritual Posted November 6, 2016 Posted November 6, 2016 Although he communicated with you, i would ask him straight out what it is he wants. None of us can truly psychoanalyze your bf from afar, as trying to label him as bipolar or anything else is nothing other than conjecture. I would be hesitant to label him anything other than him perhaps not being 100 percent sure he wants a long term relationship. His remark about the cobwebs sound more like he may be doing a compare and contrast between the relationship with you and his former relationship at the near one year mark where he was with his last one. Maybe he is waxing poetic or maybe it's buyer's remorse. I don't think any of us can really give you any slam dunk advice other than you probably would be better off attempting to get some straight answers from him. Maybe he has an issue he is trying to skirt around, but in reality it could be anything. In any event, I would hve a true Heart to Heart with him. Supporting him does not necessarily mean wiping his ass, but he obviously is comfortable enough with you to lay out some sort of hint, so just cut to the quick.
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