lostsoul16 Posted November 6, 2016 Posted November 6, 2016 First post here after came across this in rampant google searching. I'm 33M and she is 27F. We've been together 4 years and it's been such a wonderful time together but outside of us seems like a movie. Firstly I've a child with an ex who is not letting me have contact, I haven't seen my son on 2 years now and our relationship ended due to her cheating. She kicked me out for the new guy and I moved back home. I met my current partner at this time, but we took things very slow and didn't begin our relationship until a year later. I see my son, then my ex decides not to show with him, after I've flew, taken trains and taxis to get there. Shortly after the last time I seen him, my sister committed suicide. Not long after that my partners brother in law suddenly died at 26 leaving behind 2 young children. He was with us the night before. Months later my partners mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer, 3 weeks later my own mother was diagnosed with cancer. 6 months later my partners mother passed away, and my own mother has beaten it. When my partners mother was really going downhill, my partner strongly hinted she'd like her mom to see her engaged while she's still with us. I asked for advice from friends and family and everyone advised now is not the time, so I didn't propose. Fast forward towards the first anniversary of her losing her mom. She had become quite distant and definitely not herself, I understood she needed a lot of time to heal and made her know I'm always here for her. We began to argue about me not proposing, and was filled for resentment. In hindsight I should've listened to my partner and nobody else, I wasn't proposing to them. Getting closer to the anniversary she wasn't coping, and said she needed to find herself again, and without any stress of a relationship. I was heartbroken but tried to leave her be. We were split for close to 3 months but still kept in touch. I went through a lot of begging etc but it pushed her further away. Getting close to Xmas, she asked to spend Xmas together, we did and ended up back together. The next 3 months were great and we got closer once again. We booked a dream vacation and went away. 2 hours after landing back home, my dad suddenly passed away. I was in total shock. It's now 7 months on, and I've been on autopilot, totally numb and life has been a total blur. My way of coping seems to be being alone. My partner is very depressed and still very much grieving. We've both been distant with each other but have had many fights due to me still not proposing. She was certain it would have happened on our dream trip away. I wasn't prepared and did want us back together a little longer before proposing. It's now coming up to the 2nd year anniversary of her moms passing, and again, exactly a year on she's said she needs to be single and find herself again, but then says she loves me so much, and just needs time. She wants to be with me but her head is all over the place and she doesn't know what she wants anymore. I think it's grief mixed in with my lack of commitment. Just before she told me this, I bought a beautiful ring and made my plan to propose. I have her fathers blessing. I just don't know what to do. Should I wait for her to get through this tough time? Should I be delaying the engagement she so desperately wants? She's very close to her father and he's said it's obvious we love each other so very much. I don't want to walk away and give up. We are something so special and I know all the death, and my fears of commitment have played such a big part in what's wrong. My commitment fears are down to my ex. I put every penny of savings I had into building a house and future for my ex and our son, only for her to cheat with my son only 10 months old. My partner and ex are worlds apart. My partner is rock solid with morals, so sweet and a good Christian girl. At a loss here, sorry for the long read, but a lot of variables thrown in.
Author lostsoul16 Posted November 6, 2016 Author Posted November 6, 2016 Just to makes things a little easier, my uncle has only days to go before cancer takes him too. Also forgot mention how my sister gave birth to a stillborn baby girl a few months ago too. I'm a strong person, but holding my lifeless baby niece is the hardest moment of my life to date. Frazzled is an understatement
BlackCherry Posted November 7, 2016 Posted November 7, 2016 Wow, I'm so sorry for everything you and your partner are going through. Life can suck. Just when you think you can't handle any more pain, along it comes. To me it sounds like your partner is sick of waiting for a commitment from you, likely losing her loved ones has made her think about her own life, where she wants to be and what her own goals are. She made it clear she wanted to be engaged and then married to you, and although I'm not saying you did anything wrong by not proposing while her mom was alive (if you were so conflicted about it that you had to ask friends and family for advice, you were right not to propose), I can see why she resents you so deeply now that the opportunity for her mom to see her engaged is gone for good. She's likely sick of sitting around waiting for you to propose to her by now. That, coupled with the immense amount of grief and stress you've both been through could easily be enough to destroy this relationship. Grief changes you as a person and it's sadly common to find that after a loss you're no longer compatible with the partner you had when things were easy at the start. All you can do at this point is propose to her. She clearly loves you and wants to get engaged and she must have spent months arguing with herself between 'if he wanted to marry me he would have already done it' and 'give it a little more time', marriage is important to her or she wouldn't bring it up so much, you're not giving her what she needs from a relationship so I'm not surprised she's reconsidering. I wonder if she had a mental timeframe, thinking that if you hadn't proposed by this date she'd leave? If you want to be with her, propose. Make sure she knows you had the ring before she told you she was leaving. Show her the receipt. It might be too late but it's all you can do at this point. If you hadn't already bought the ring and asked permission I'd say that you should let her go as you're clearly not as into being married as she is. But given that you claim you were about to do it, well, do it. Or let her go find someone who wants the same things as she does and you can do the same. 1
Author lostsoul16 Posted November 8, 2016 Author Posted November 8, 2016 Wow, I'm so sorry for everything you and your partner are going through. Life can suck. Just when you think you can't handle any more pain, along it comes. To me it sounds like your partner is sick of waiting for a commitment from you, likely losing her loved ones has made her think about her own life, where she wants to be and what her own goals are. She made it clear she wanted to be engaged and then married to you, and although I'm not saying you did anything wrong by not proposing while her mom was alive (if you were so conflicted about it that you had to ask friends and family for advice, you were right not to propose), I can see why she resents you so deeply now that the opportunity for her mom to see her engaged is gone for good. She's likely sick of sitting around waiting for you to propose to her by now. That, coupled with the immense amount of grief and stress you've both been through could easily be enough to destroy this relationship. Grief changes you as a person and it's sadly common to find that after a loss you're no longer compatible with the partner you had when things were easy at the start. All you can do at this point is propose to her. She clearly loves you and wants to get engaged and she must have spent months arguing with herself between 'if he wanted to marry me he would have already done it' and 'give it a little more time', marriage is important to her or she wouldn't bring it up so much, you're not giving her what she needs from a relationship so I'm not surprised she's reconsidering. I wonder if she had a mental timeframe, thinking that if you hadn't proposed by this date she'd leave? If you want to be with her, propose. Make sure she knows you had the ring before she told you she was leaving. Show her the receipt. It might be too late but it's all you can do at this point. If you hadn't already bought the ring and asked permission I'd say that you should let her go as you're clearly not as into being married as she is. But given that you claim you were about to do it, well, do it. Or let her go find someone who wants the same things as she does and you can do the same. Thanks for taking the time to read, and reply. I definitely think you're right, her timeline is married with a child by 30 and I've been delaying this for so long. I keep making excuses for not committing. I know it's past experiences making me this way, her not being The One has never been in doubt. She hasn't been in contact, and I'm respecting her wishes to be alone. I've noticed her uploading far more pictures than usual, and I can see it's her cry for attention right now. She's very lost and approaching this anniversary she is far from herself. I just don't know whether I should be giving her a little space, as requested, then hope we reconcile and I'll instantly propose, or just do it now. Her dad thinks I should leave it for right now, and let her get past this really hard time. I'm a total mess myself right now, my aunt passed away yesterday and that coupled with all this is making me really depressed. It's just so hard to cut contact, although I'm trying to keep really busy, and have been out having drinks with friends the past 2 nights. Any idea how much space I should give her? It's 6 days until the anniversary of her mom's passing.
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