3 years of trying to move on...

[True Gent]

It suddenly seems apparent to me that I'm not in a good emotional place regarding relationships.

 

I thought I was over everything to do with my ex fiancée who I was with for 9 years. We've been apart now for 3 years and I've dated a few people. Only 2 of which have been what I consider serious and intimate. Both times I've found myself comparing these people in some way or another to my long term relationship. It's not a conscious thing necessarily, but I'm doing it.

 

The reality is that I'm now actually believing that even though my ex was flawed and not perfect in many ways and we obviously failed as a couple for a reason, I actually am thinking the good bits of what we had (which were incredibly good) are the best I'm ever likely to encounter in my life. I'm now 37 and seriously thinking that my ex is the one who got away.

 

I know her faults and I recognise them, but I accept them. There is a really scary superficial issue here which has dawned on me whilst typing this out. It's not just her personality traits I'm having issues finding better compatibility with in someone new. A lot of it is down to physical attraction.

 

I've met people I really click with in some ways more so than my ex, but not as a whole package. Physically no one at all compares to my ex, I hate admitting to that but it's true. I don't want to be held back by superficial issues, but I can't make myself feel something which isn't there.

 

I've just decided to walk away from a woman who bared her soul to me, she was completely open and honest with me and she felt a lot for me in a very short space of time. She has a personality I find really attractive, but physically she actually makes me feel a little sick. I feel so shallow. I feel like I'm not going to find what I'm looking for, which is to click with someone and feel the physical spark. I've only had that with my ex.

 

I'm sure there are more emotionally and intellectually compatible women out there for me, but not in the complete package where I also lust after them.

 

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. Am I asking the unacheiveable to find a partner who can stimulate me mentally and physically? Only my ex has managed to do that as a package so far. I have so many very happy memories with her, I gained a lot of life experiences with her. I felt complete with her and I wouldn't of changed one single thing about her.

 

I'm stuck in a very unhealthy rut now of comparing everyone to the rose tinted memories. There were faults, but I somehow only seem to want the life I had with my ex.

 

I've been fooling myself for a while about it now, but I'm finally realising I'm just not over her properly. I secretly hold some hope that in the future she's going to want me back. She really feels like she is irreplaceable.

 

This is basically just a 100% honest rant about how I'm feeling right now...

[Gaeta]

It took me 4 years to get over a 4 year long relationship. I finally was able to put it behind me when I stopped putting him on a pedestal and saw him for who he really is. It took me a lot of practice at 'letting go' and at believing someone better was waiting for me.

 

I only met that someone better when I completely rejected my ex, and the notion of him being the best I could ever get.

 

There is no age to fall in love. I met at 50 an amazing man that makes me happy in so many ways. I did not even know men like him existed. While I was mourning my ex if someone had told me one day I'd meet a man that will surpass all the men I had met so far I would have laughed.

 

I would have laughed because I didn't believe in it, like you don't.

 

And life brought me that wonderful man only when I decided to believe in it.

 

So you can

 

A) spend the rest of your life crying this ex

B) start believing someone better is waiting for you

 

Great things only happens when you believe they can happen. If you don't want to be 50, lonely, sad, bitter and still thinking about her than change your perception of life.

 

The book: The Giant within from Anthony Robbins was an eye opener for me.

[surferchic]

Hi True Gent.

 

You're definitely not alone. So much so, that you almost sound like you could be my ex-fiancé. It's been almost 3 yrs since our breakup. I decided to end things for some fundamental reasons that he seemed to not comprehend. He's a very attractive and intelligent man, in my eyes. He really is... He just refused to admit some of his character flaws that were non-negotiables for me.

 

I'm not sure what the precise reasons were for your breakup, but unfortunately I firmly believe that each breakup happens for a reason. If you care to share, could you share a few reasons for your breakup?

 

Each person heals differently and requires a different amount of time. If it's 3 yrs for you, then so be it. My ex acted like he got over us rather fast and that's something I don't understand. But that's him...

 

I refuse to beat a dead horse or be a nag about anything to a grown man,so I just had to make the difficult decision to leave him, hence calling off our engagement. He tried changing my mind on several occasions and I feel like we tried to make it work, but as an adult not much will change in a person's behavior if they have spent most of their life living in a way that conflicts with someone else's fundamental beliefs.(sorry for that run-on sentence)

 

So in short, I've dated a few other men since my ex. But deep down, I'm still trying to get over thinking of him still, almost every day. Some days feel hellish...seriously. Other days are ok. Overall though, I'm pushing through the pain of simply missing "us". I just wish it didn't have to take almost 3 years...

 

Do share some breakup reasons if you will.

[True Gent]

Hi True Gent.

 

You're definitely not alone. So much so, that you almost sound like you could be my ex-fiancé. It's been almost 3 yrs since our breakup. I decided to end things for some fundamental reasons that he seemed to not comprehend. He's a very attractive and intelligent man, in my eyes. He really is... He just refused to admit some of his character flaws that were non-negotiables for me.

 

I'm not sure what the precise reasons were for your breakup, but unfortunately I firmly believe that each breakup happens for a reason. If you care to share, could you share a few reasons for your breakup?

 

Each person heals differently and requires a different amount of time. If it's 3 yrs for you, then so be it. My ex acted like he got over us rather fast and that's something I don't understand. But that's him...

 

I refuse to beat a dead horse or be a nag about anything to a grown man,so I just had to make the difficult decision to leave him, hence calling off our engagement. He tried changing my mind on several occasions and I feel like we tried to make it work, but as an adult not much will change in a person's behavior if they have spent most of their life living in a way that conflicts with someone else's fundamental beliefs.(sorry for that run-on sentence)

 

So in short, I've dated a few other men since my ex. But deep down, I'm still trying to get over thinking of him still, almost every day. Some days feel hellish...seriously. Other days are ok. Overall though, I'm pushing through the pain of simply missing "us". I just wish it didn't have to take almost 3 years...

 

Do share some breakup reasons if you will.

 

Hi surferchic,

 

I guess I can break it down into a simplistic description for you...

 

Basically she was 19 when we met and 28 by the time we parted ways. I was the only man she'd been with sexually. She changed quite a lot during our relationship. Her goals and interests changed quite drastically. We both grew apart slightly.

 

I always did everything for her, provided an income while she studied for her PhD. I did everything around the house, cleaned her car, made the meals etc... At the time I thought I was doing the right things, but I was too soft and a bit of a doormat in some regards. I have learned from these mistakes.

 

She lost desire for me. She denied that was the reason at the time, but sex became non existent and it caused a lot of issues between us. Eventually she had to admit she'd lost the desire for me when she went off with someone else. She had the 'grass is greener' syndrome so commonly referred to.

 

That didn't last with him either I am satisfied to say.

 

They are the reasons for our demise in a slimmed down nutshell.

[Marc878]

Learn that lesson well. If you do too much you can be taken advantage of and lose respect. Relationships should be balanced @ 50/50.

 

Perhaps read "No More Mr Nice Guy" free PDF download

[True Gent]

Learn that lesson well. If you do too much you can be taken advantage of and lose respect. Relationships should be balanced @ 50/50.

 

Perhaps read "No More Mr Nice Guy" free PDF download

 

I've learned the lesson beleive me. I was also young and inexperienced myself. I thought I was doing right, but I do understand where I went wrong. I've learned a lot from it.

 

I don't want to go back to any of that. I have grown a lot since all of this...

[Satu]

By far the most common reason why people feel unable to move on completely, is an incomplete or absent grieving process.

 

I'm not saying that's true in your case, but its something to consider.

 

It takes as long as it takes.

 

 

Be well.

[surferchic]

Hi surferchic,

 

I guess I can break it down into a simplistic description for you...

 

Basically she was 19 when we met and 28 by the time we parted ways. I was the only man she'd been with sexually. She changed quite a lot during our relationship. Her goals and interests changed quite drastically. We both grew apart slightly.

 

I always did everything for her, provided an income while she studied for her PhD. I did everything around the house, cleaned her car, made the meals etc... At the time I thought I was doing the right things, but I was too soft and a bit of a doormat in some regards. I have learned from these mistakes.

 

She lost desire for me. She denied that was the reason at the time, but sex became non existent and it caused a lot of issues between us. Eventually she had to admit she'd lost the desire for me when she went off with someone else. She had the 'grass is greener' syndrome so commonly referred to.

 

That didn't last with him either I am satisfied to say.

 

They are the reasons for our demise in a slimmed down nutshell.

Thanks for sharing...

 

You will be fine eventually, trust me. Accepting the pain now is so much better than making the mistake of marrying someone like her(or like anyone who takes us for granted).

 

So be patient with yourself and know that missing an ex is normal. And even more importantly, as a few of us have mentioned... we are all different. You will get over your ex in YOUR OWN TIME. Please don't compare your healing time to that of others.

[Zapbasket]

Nine years is a very long time. I'd honestly be surprised if you were truly beyond all of it after only three years.

 

I read your other thread, and it seems like maybe you're feeling this longing for your ex because of your recent relationship disappointment. For the record: I don't think you were "shallow" at all to end it for the reasons you did. I always feel that an inability to overlook physical deficiencies usually indicates a deeper emotional incompatibility that just hasn't had enough time to be sussed out yet. If she really were right for you, you'd have found her hot physically even as you would objectively have to say that she was not hot. Love and "rightness" do that. So don't beat yourself up over it.

 

I am three years out of a 3.5-year relationship, and while I have made enormous strides, there still is some lingering pain, some aspect I'm holding onto. I can only trust that it will dissipate in its own time. Same for you. It just takes a lot of time, and patience. Trust that you WILL meet someone who is right for you but you can't control WHEN. You can only work to make yourself into the best you possible.

 

And maybe part of that process is delving back into that relationship with your ex, mentally (not in reality). What did you have with her that you liked? What didn't you like? How are you different now?

 

I'm sorry you're hurting. Do something extra-kind for yourself, and keep posting here--it's hugely therapeutic and there are great folks on here to provide support.

[True Gent]

Thank you all for your replies. It does help to get things out here.

 

I think the thing that really keeps turning my thoughts to my ex is that no one I've met so far has been right for me. Not in as many ways as she was anyway...

 

I did spend a good amount of time mourning the end of the relationship. First I cried a lot and felt extremely grief stricken, that lasted for many months. I also went through the anger and the bitterness. I felt incredibly jaded for a long time, I partly still am jaded in the sense that I feel I'm not going to meet the person I'm looking for.

 

I've taken her from the pedestal I really have. I recognise her flaws and poor character traits. I also recognise where I went wrong, I've pieced many things together since it went wrong. I have gained clarity and I actually beleive if I was who I am now back then, she wouldn't of lost her attraction for me. I'm not saying that it was all my fault either, she was far from perfect.

 

Realistically looking at it now, I think the fact I was her only sexual partner meant it was doomed from the start. How could she settle having never tried other options, it's human nature to get bored and things go stale. When you consider how young we were too, it was a nice idea to think we'd be forever, but that just wasn't realistic.

 

The really good parts though, the days out together, the holidays, the shared interest in culture and photography, the date nights, the walks, the laughter, the hugs in front of the TV, the chatting about everything and anything, the dogs we shared together, the incredible passion before that dwindled on her behalf.

 

My best friend basically!

 

Even just walking down the street holding her hand, yes I've held hands with a couple of others since - but it doesn't feel the same.

 

Maybe it's just timing. I have to be patient, but what doesn't help me is people asking me "No women on the horizon yet?" Or even people saying that my clock is ticking at 37, I need to hurry it up. My family are more eager for me to have children than I am. I could happily never have kids, I'm not saying I wouldn't if it felt right, but I don't actually want them.

 

I do enjoy my single life, I have many hobbies and things I enjoy. I can be happy on my own, but ultimately I do want that icing on the cake.

[elaine567]

She is still on that pedestal, forever young and the perfectly formed virgin.

No woman you now meet will ever come close.

You grew up together, the perfect match, until it all went pear-shaped and she went off to pursue other dreams.

 

Your actions by "treating her nice" did not send her scurrying off, she went off to explore other options, because it is is what "virgins" and the inexperienced tend to do sooner or later.

 

You have to make a conscious decision to stop comparing every woman you meet to her, you have to make a conscious decision to forget her and banish her from your mind, but be aware of the white bear effect.

[Marco Valerio]

She is still on that pedestal, forever young and the perfectly formed virgin.

No woman you now meet will ever come close.

You grew up together, the perfect match, until it all went pear-shaped and she went off to pursue other dreams.

 

Your actions by "treating her nice" did not send her scurrying off, she went off to explore other options, because it is is what "virgins" and the inexperienced tend to do sooner or later.

 

You have to make a conscious decision to stop comparing every woman you meet to her, you have to make a conscious decision to forget her and banish her from your mind, but be aware of the white bear effect.

 

I agree very much with the response above. She's been turned into the perfect myth in your mind, and no woman will become anywhere close to her, if you don't forget her.

[Densel]

Broke up for exactly one year. I dont think i am over my ex girlfriend yet.

 

Some times i think i am crazy, one year and cant get my ex off my head.

 

This is a good forum to rant. I think my friends are also sick me telling the same old same old.

I also feel sick telling them my same old same old.

[guest569]

I'm still trying after 3 years to get over a 9 month relationship. This feeling has come about after the demise of an unsuccessful relationship. Trying to date, having relationships, but not finding anything quite right tends to bring it out. Or finding something that seems promising, only to go pear shaped. I wouldn't say that I have him on a pedestal, but it was an amazing relationship in comparison to the horrid one I just got out of. I can relate to those feelings of looking back fondly on the relationship and feeling as though he is the one that got away. I am starting to really worry that I will never find that again.

 

Attraction is very important to a relationship so I don't think you are being shallow or superficial at all.

 

I was in a very good place before I met my recent ex though, and thought I was over the past. If I had found a new, successful, loving relationship, I probably wouldn't be giving my ex a single thought.