Boyfriend ignored me in time of need

[fdust]

My father and I have had problems for as long as I can remember. When it comes to punishment he's more violent with me than my other siblings, could be because I'm the "troubled child". Yes, I wasn't all that great but I never disrespected him at all. I go out telling him where I am, who I'm with and sometimes I tell him when I'll be home and I'll let him know if I'll be late or not. It could be as simple as that and I would get punished for it. Not gonna go so much into detail about it, but basically it's not pretty. It takes a toll out of me emotionally and slightly physically. He's pretty much the "I'm right you're wrong and no explanation, if you try to argue then I'll beat you" type of dad. He's never beaten me, but he has done stuff like recently threw a glass at me and I believe he pushed me last night. My curfew is midnight and if I go beyond that my ass is gone pretty much. Not even that, but he's emotionally abusive. Called me a whore the other night because I came home around 11pm, but I was just out with my boyfriend.

 

Anyway, it took a toll out of me when I got home that other night. I don't even have a room to stay in since all of them are occupied, I couldn't even cry on my own. My boyfriend was texting me but I wanted to speak to him, but I couldn't due to no privacy. He was at a party and I told him to go have fun since I were seeing him the next day anyway, or so I thought. He didn't start going home till probably 2.

 

I was very emotional that night and I needed him. But I let him go since I thought I were seeing him the next day anyway. I get anxiety and sometimes have panic attacks, I've learned to control them but on days like how my dad treats me sometimes I can't control it... And for me at least, just having his company relaxes me. I don't need him there all the time but there are times that I need someone. I had to control them myself that night because I wanted my boyfriend to have fun, we were texting off and on but I know he was most preoccupied. I mean it was a party. He wanted me to come but because of my dad I couldn't be out late.

 

Yesterday was the day I was supposed to see him. We usually have a fitness class around late morning and I was looking forward to seeing him and just be with him. He never showed up. Mind you, I didn't ask to see him and in fact he told me himself he would. I understand his best friend came over and they haven't seen each other in 3 months (although they talk a lot like almost everyday) but I just didn't think he would ignore me, after knowing what I had to go through the other night. Also, he knows my condition. I wasn't asking for the whole day with him but just an hour at least. When he clearly knew I was angry with him about that he still didn't bother to talk to me or even give me a call to ask how I'm doing or if I'm still alive.

 

Yes I was angry so I started being mean to him and even then he still didn't care. Kept saying he still loves me and he wanted to see me that day. He tells me bullcrap that he cut the party short because he was talking to me outside, but we only spoke for 5 minutes cus I told him to go have fun AND he asked if we can still continue texting.... I'm just so angry with him. I didn't care if I were mean to him. Whenever he's going through ****, I don't care who I'm with or where I am but I would drop everything when he's in need. Not necessarily to see him but to talk to him. Because I know what it's like to feel alone at times and just having someone there to hear you out can make a difference towards their day.

 

On that night my dad called me a whore because I came home at 11pm, I told him I came home way before midnight and told me from now on to be home by 8pm. And so I snapped and said "that's never happening, keep it up and I'll be gone soon", angered him and pushed me and I fell. It may not seem a lot but it was for me. Especially that I have to be cooped up in this house all day with him being around. Not gonna go into detail as to why I'm still living at home at 24yrs old but my situation happens to have me stuck there.

 

My boyfriend knows and he couldn't even take an hour to see me when I most needed him. Instead he texts me telling me he's sorry and that he can't see me since he's with his friends and wants to bring me flowers. NEVER have I asked him to see me when I'm having anxiety and panic attacks, EXCEPT this once. He tells me because he's seen me everyday and wanted to take this day for his friends. I never opposed to it but I didn't expect to get **** from my father that night either. I mean at least for me, I haven't seen my best friend in almost half a year and I don't talk to her everyday either, but if my boyfriend were in trouble I would drop everything because he's that important to me.

 

Anyway, I'm just so hurt about all this and the one person I thought could help me didn't. I haven't slept for two nights and he'd rather smoke weed with his friends and get absolutely blasted knowing that I'm here crying my eyes out. He eventually spoke to me over the phone only because I was desperately asking him to and because I was being mean. We didn't even talk for 10 minutes and then I was apparently not giving him the time he wants with his friends. I've learned to deal with my anxiety myself but panic attacks I can't, I haven't had a panic attack in months and that night was the first time it did and I went through it myself. I start hyperventilating and I become paralyzed, but because I knew it would come water usually soothes me and so I had it next to the couch.

 

Idk what to do. A big part of me wants to leave him. Another part I don't. I just couldn't believe he didn't care. What should I do. It's 5am where I am right now and I need helpful answers.

[fdust]

If anyone can help me... Please ;(

[JewelD]

First things first, you need to find a new place to live. Do you have a job?

 

I don't think you should be mad at your boyfriend. Yeah you didn't know your dad was going to flip out but that's not your boyfriend's fault either. If it's true that you spend almost everyday together, then he certainly needs a break. Sounds like you probably use him as a security blanket and that can be a draining job. what would you do if you and your boyfriend broke up? Do you have any other friends?

 

The fact of the matter is, he's not going to be available every single time you need him. You need to figure out how to cope on your own sometimes. If you keep putting pressure on him, I imagine he will probably be the one to end the relationship eventually.

 

Also, why did you tell your father to keep it up and you'll be gone soon? That's pretty bold for someone living under someone else's roof. Especially since you supposedly don't have a choice but to live there. do you say things like this to him often?

[fdust]

First things first, you need to find a new place to live. Do you have a job?

 

I don't think you should be mad at your boyfriend. Yeah you didn't know your dad was going to flip out but that's not your boyfriend's fault either. If it's true that you spend almost everyday together, then he certainly needs a break. Sounds like you probably use him as a security blanket and that can be a draining job. what would you do if you and your boyfriend broke up? Do you have any other friends?

 

The fact of the matter is, he's not going to be available every single time you need him. You need to figure out how to cope on your own sometimes. If you keep putting pressure on him, I imagine he will probably be the one to end the relationship eventually.

 

Also, why did you tell your father to keep it up and you'll be gone soon? That's pretty bold for someone living under someone else's roof. Especially since you supposedly don't have a choice but to live there. do you say things like this to him often?

 

 

I just thought maybe he would be a bit more considerate the fact that he knows my condition. And of course I have friends, but he's the one I'm most comfortable with. I just hate it when he needs help he bombards my phone until I give him attention. I can't even get the same from him the fact that I had to go through it alone. He always wants me to express all my feelings towards him and I've gotten used to the idea that he'll always be a shoulder I can cry on. Yet he gets angry when I just want space for myself. And I do know how to cope with myself, sometimes I can't especially when I'm having panic attacks. That night was the first night I dealt with the panic attack myself, because I wanted him to have fun at the party. I didn't even ask him but he told me he would come to the class the next day to see me for an hour and I was really looking forward for that.

 

But you're right I can't keep depending on him. He only called me once yesterday for the whole day and we barely texted but when not even 10 minutes of being on the phone, I apparently wasn't giving him his time with his friends. I've gotten fed up with him controlling every situation and then blaming me for it. I just thought that while your significant other can't always be there for you, but when needed the most they will be. I haven't had a panic attack in months but I've dealt with it myself that night and to just finally relax I wanted to spend it with him but I was apparently crazy.

[fdust]

First things first, you need to find a new place to live. Do you have a job?

 

I don't think you should be mad at your boyfriend. Yeah you didn't know your dad was going to flip out but that's not your boyfriend's fault either. If it's true that you spend almost everyday together, then he certainly needs a break. Sounds like you probably use him as a security blanket and that can be a draining job. what would you do if you and your boyfriend broke up? Do you have any other friends?

 

The fact of the matter is, he's not going to be available every single time you need him. You need to figure out how to cope on your own sometimes. If you keep putting pressure on him, I imagine he will probably be the one to end the relationship eventually.

 

Also, why did you tell your father to keep it up and you'll be gone soon? That's pretty bold for someone living under someone else's roof. Especially since you supposedly don't have a choice but to live there. do you say things like this to him often?

 

As for my father in this subject, I would be gone soon since my boyfriend offered to take me once he has a better place. And no I don't often speak this way to my dad, I was tired and confused because my curfew went from midnight to 8pm and the fact that he called me a whore. I snapped is all

[Els]

The main issue here is not your boyfriend, the main issue is your living situation. If you continue to remain in that situation, you cannot expect your bf to be at your beck and call whenever it induces anxiety in you. What are you doing to get out of your dad's house?

 

I suffer from the same "condition" that you do (and mine actually causes physical palpitations), yet never once have I felt entitled to request my SO to ditch whatever he was doing to come and see to me. Panic attacks are generally self-limiting and while they may be uncomfortable, they are mostly harmless and you can always ride them out by yourself. I strongly suggest that you look up resources online about how to control your breathing and manage a panic attack. Also, speak to a professional about treatment for your anxiety.

 

That being said, I think it was wrong for your bf to cancel on you without notice that day.

[fdust]

The main issue here is not your boyfriend, the main issue is your living situation. If you continue to remain in that situation, you cannot expect your bf to be at your beck and call whenever it induces anxiety in you. What are you doing to get out of your dad's house?

 

I suffer from the same "condition" that you do (and mine actually causes physical palpitations), yet never once have I felt entitled to request my SO to ditch whatever he was doing to come and see to me. Panic attacks are generally self-limiting and while they may be uncomfortable, they are mostly harmless and you can always ride them out by yourself. I strongly suggest that you look up resources online about how to control your breathing and manage a panic attack. Also, speak to a professional about treatment for your anxiety.

 

That being said, I think it was wrong for your bf to cancel on you without notice that day.

 

I never said that I wanted him to ditch whatever he was doing, he TOLD ME he was coming to see me. As far as my "condition" I didn't know how to deal with it till that night. And as for now I'm doing programming courses and hopefully I can get a better suited job by then.

 

I don't mean to always depend on my boyfriend, I was always an introvert and I never really spoke my feelings to anyone. In a way he pressured me to talk to him cus sometimes I would go almost the whole day of not speaking to him only because I need space. It was only after the many arguments that I gave in and expressed everything to him.

[JewelD]

As for my father in this subject, I would be gone soon since my boyfriend offered to take me once he has a better place. And no I don't often speak this way to my dad, I was tired and confused because my curfew went from midnight to 8pm and the fact that he called me a whore. I snapped is all

 

You need a better plan than that. You are leaving it in your bf's hands but he's not the one living in an unpleasant situation. And where will you go if the relationship ends? Are you working? Why can't you get your own place?

[eye of the storm]

Fdust, you threatened you dad that you were leaving because the BF might be getting a place and letting you stay with him. This isn't smart. You will be going from one situation where you are relying on someone else for a roof to another.

 

You need to get out and on your own. Because you need to learn that you are able to take care of yourself.

 

At 24, you do not need to be attacked when you go home.

 

Take control of your life. Stop making others responsible for your life and your emotions.

 

You can do this. And once you step off that cliff and realize your power...your only regret will be you didn't do it sooner.

[anika99]

"that's never happening, keep it up and I'll be gone soon",

 

I'm not defending your father's actions but that sentence indicates that you are not the passive victim of your father that you pretend to be, but rather you are quite defiant and you fully participate in the conflict. Seems a weird threat anyways, if I had a 24yr old kid still living at home and they threatened to leave I'd happily help them pack and walk them to the door.

 

I also had debilitating panic attacks when I was younger. Actually I had them all of my adult life but they were at their worst when I was in my twenties. There is no magic cure for panic attacks but I will say that being helpless, needy and dependant on other people only exacerbates the problem. In my twenties I was very poor, single and had two small sons to raise. I felt very alone in the world and as I didn't have any self confidence or self esteem I felt very helpless and like I could just fall apart at any second. This led to me always looking to other people to validate me, to solve my problems and to lead me. Meanwhile my panic attacks raged on partly because all this emotional dependence on others wasn't doing anything to improve my self esteem and in fact was just confirming my delusional belief that I could not cope alone. Well things happened in life that forced me to handle my problems alone and when I saw that I could manage my problems all on my own that was a huge boost to my confidence and my belief in myself.

 

I still have the occasional panic attack and I still hate it but after so many years I know it's just a terrible feeling that will pass in a short time. I just let it wash over me well reminding myself that my racing heartbeat, shallow breath and racing thoughts are just because a shot of adrenaline is rushing through me and it won't last. Also since adrenaline is necessary for a full blown attack, on days when I feel anxious and like I could have a panic, I try to burn off some adrenaline by exercising or doing something physical. It calms my body and takes me outside of my head.

 

I very much agree with the poster who said you should not go straight from living at home to moving in with your boyfriend. You are too emotionally needy and you need to overcome that before you can have a healthy romantic relationship. If you move in with your boyfriend with all your neediness and emotional dependence he will soon grow resentful and exasperated with you which will only fuel your panic and emotional problems. Your boyfriend might not even be a good a match for you, he may not be compatible with you or he may have too many of his own problems to be a good partner. I feel like in your state of dependence you don't choose people you just need them which may wind up with you not picking good partners. Get yourself healthy and independent before you consider moving in with a boyfriend.

[anika99]

Also wanted to address this:

 

"I haven't seen my best friend in almost half a year and I don't talk to her everyday either, but if my boyfriend were in trouble I would drop everything because he's that important to me."

 

Do you mean to say that you would ditch your best friend whom you hadn't seen in months just because your boyfriend is upset about a fight he had with his father the night before? First of all that's just wrong and secondly just because you would treat a friend poorly for the sake of a boyfriend doesn't mean everyone else should do that. If you want to make your boyfriend the center of your universe to the point that you don't consider anyone else's feelings then that is your choice but don't expect the same from your boyfriend. He hadn't seen his friend in months and he knows you and your drama aren't going anywhere so he made the right choice in taking time out from your problems to visit with a friend.

[spiderowl]

I am really sorry about your situation. I don't know why you are still living with your parents at 24 but I do know that for many young people rents are too high and many in the UK at least are having to stay with parents. If you have an abusive parent, it must be hell.

 

I have been in your situation with a controlling father who was bullying and frightening. I know how it feels. It is making you ill, but you know that already. It is not reasonable for a father to impose a curfew on someone of your age. I presume that as you are so unhappy with him, you are not living there for the fun of it but because of dire need.

 

Maybe you could approach young people's charities to find out what other options you might have, the YWCA for example. I don't know what is available where you are. It does seem like this situation can't continue for you and your father is clearly finding it stressful too.

 

Having spent time recently with someone who had panic attacks which were not generated by circumstances but by a descent into a mental illness, I can vouch for how stressful they are for all concerned. Your panic attacks may be related to your circumstances but they may not. I would seek help with your doctor for them because it will not help your relationship. I am not blaming you in any way for having attacks, just saying they can be difficult for others to deal with too. I am sure they are incredibly scary to you.

 

With regard to your boyfriend's behaviour, it sounds like you and he spend a lot of time together already, so it is reasonable he would want time away too. However, he doesn't seem to have picked up on your distress that night. He may also be stressed by the fall-out from your situation. There is a point when personal problems can put too much strain on others too, especially if they don't know how they can help and it seems to go on and on. You need to seek other sources of support. I can understand though that you felt he was not there for you and you may be right. Only you can tell if you have been putting an extra strain on him. It sounds like the situation has become more than you can both cope with so you need outside support too.

 

I hope things improve for you. As I say, I've been there and I can say the effects are damaging pschologically. People don't realise just how terrifying it can be to have someone trying to control and threaten you and not getting any mental peace from it unless you are out of the house. Take care.

Edited November 6, 2016 by spiderowl

[stillafool]

As for my father in this subject, I would be gone soon since my boyfriend offered to take me once he has a better place. And no I don't often speak this way to my dad, I was tired and confused because my curfew went from midnight to 8pm and the fact that he called me a whore. I snapped is all

 

Do you have gfs you can move out and get an apartment with? That would be a better way to establish independence rather than moving in with a bf.

[joseb]

As others have said, your anger is totally misplaced, and you are worrying about all the wrong things.

 

I don't see anything at all to be angry with your BF to be honest, it's almost bizzare that your post title is so irrelevant to what is really going on.

 

Make a plan to get out and live somewhere else.

And not with your boyfriend.

Do you have friends you can share with? Or find a house share.