radwimps Posted November 6, 2016 Posted November 6, 2016 Hey Loveshack, a little bit of a rant and looking for advice here. Maybe I take my GF too seriously? 1 year relationship. 25 and 26(her) years old here. She asks for my help on doing certain stuff from time to time. I try really hard to help but her expectation is so high that it's impossible for me to achieve. For example, today she asked me to help her to do some of her work today using a specialized 3D software, which I am not familiar with. I told her that I will try my best but she's really asking the wrong person here. I tried my hardest all day (from 9AM to 10PM) to figure it out, and I did actually get a couple things done, but she got a bit pissy at me when I couldn't do a task *ultra* fast enough. She said "Omg, man". On a separate occasion, she got mad at me for missing a small detail on another task. I helped her for a good 20~30 hours in addition to my own work and I still think that my overall contribution was really good. This instance made me so mad that I couldn't help but raise my voice to defend myself. Because she made it out like I completely couldn't care less about the task, and kept nagging me over it for hours. I really tried my best and just missed a small point. She made me feel so bad that I felt like it was abuse. Just to prove that I'm not a numbnut, I'm a Project Manager for an company that most people have probably heard of. I'm not saying I'm super smart, but I'm pretty dillegent and know what I can and can't do. She's stressed out. I know, but everytime she says stuff like this, I feel like she doesn't appreciate me and I get super upset over it. Is this abusive? After the incidents she says she appreciates me, and that when she's stressed out she can't represent her feelings very clearly when she's stressed out.
Els Posted November 6, 2016 Posted November 6, 2016 I don't know if I would consider this abusive, but it's definitely wrong and you shouldn't be putting up with it. Tell her that you will not be helping her with anything in the future until she learns to manage her stress instead of taking it out on you. And mean it. 2
Herbalist Posted November 6, 2016 Posted November 6, 2016 For something like this if you want to know what's up in terms of emerging abusive trends vs genuine one-off accidents, tell her how it makes you feel. If she keeps doing it, then yeah she is being abusive. Sometimes a person will perceive something as no big deal and it can sometimes boil down to communications issue. That stuff happens. But if they know that what they are doing is hurtful to you, and they keep doing it anyway, that's a more pathological issue. It means at best they don't care if they are hurting you, and at worst they are trying to hurt you on purpose. There are good people who have dysfunctions and they will make an earnest effort to change once they realize they are hurting you, and those earnest efforts will result in change, whether they just need to be more mindful or need intensive therapy or anything in between. Malignant people will make excuses and just keep hurting you.
spideywoman Posted November 6, 2016 Posted November 6, 2016 I wouldn't describe this as abusive but it's she's definitely an ingrate (sorry!) and it's also disrespectful considering the amount of time, energy and dedication you put into helping her. let's be honest _ it's a great thing you're willing to do that but it's not necessary. i am assuming this is her job? my stbxh helped me once in a while with work when i was snowed under and i was always so grateful for the helping hand, no matter how trivial the task. she seems resentful. do you know why? i can understand there being some sporadic frustration if you're not doing it right or not quickly enough but something tells me this is a pattern _ or at the very least it bothers you enough to post here. talk to her. tell her how her reactions / comments / dismissive regards make you feel and that if she's incapable of showing appreciation, you just won't help her.
smackie9 Posted November 6, 2016 Posted November 6, 2016 meh it depends on your perspective. She is definitely rude, and unappreciative. Maybe over time when it wears you down emotionally it could be called abuse. Have you actually told her clearly how her behavior makes you feel? And did she say she would correct it? or does she just blows it and blames it on stress? And makes herself to be the victim of tough times? After that conversation, when she starts getting at you like that, you stop and firmly tell her to not talk to you that way. Then you get up and remove yourself from the situation. It is my recommendation you don't do this for her anymore. She needs to put her big girl panties on and deal with it. She can call tech support and do it herself. If she can't handle it she needs to find a different career.
Redhead14 Posted November 6, 2016 Posted November 6, 2016 Hey Loveshack, a little bit of a rant and looking for advice here. Maybe I take my GF too seriously? 1 year relationship. 25 and 26(her) years old here. She asks for my help on doing certain stuff from time to time. I try really hard to help but her expectation is so high that it's impossible for me to achieve. For example, today she asked me to help her to do some of her work today using a specialized 3D software, which I am not familiar with. I told her that I will try my best but she's really asking the wrong person here. I tried my hardest all day (from 9AM to 10PM) to figure it out, and I did actually get a couple things done, but she got a bit pissy at me when I couldn't do a task *ultra* fast enough. She said "Omg, man". On a separate occasion, she got mad at me for missing a small detail on another task. I helped her for a good 20~30 hours in addition to my own work and I still think that my overall contribution was really good. This instance made me so mad that I couldn't help but raise my voice to defend myself. Because she made it out like I completely couldn't care less about the task, and kept nagging me over it for hours. I really tried my best and just missed a small point. She made me feel so bad that I felt like it was abuse. Just to prove that I'm not a numbnut, I'm a Project Manager for an company that most people have probably heard of. I'm not saying I'm super smart, but I'm pretty dillegent and know what I can and can't do. She's stressed out. I know, but everytime she says stuff like this, I feel like she doesn't appreciate me and I get super upset over it. Is this abusive? After the incidents she says she appreciates me, and that when she's stressed out she can't represent her feelings very clearly when she's stressed out. The next time she asks you to help her, you tell her that you will do the best you can because you love her and want to help and then remind her that you felt unappreciated and criticized the last two times. While you understand that she is under stress, help from her boyfriend should help relieve the stress not cause her to act out on him.
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