splenda Posted November 5, 2016 Posted November 5, 2016 I've been dating a man on and off for about a year. Lately we have spending more time together, and I foolishly after a few drinks said to him the other night " I love you". I do feel this way, however, he responded with " I think I love you"....he also made a comment that he's scared of how I feel. We are in our thirties. I am unsure if I should just act like nothing happened? Do I end it? How would other people react to this?
Gr8fuln2020 Posted November 5, 2016 Posted November 5, 2016 I've been dating a man on and off for about a year. Lately we have spending more time together, and I foolishly after a few drinks said to him the other night " I love you". I do feel this way, however, he responded with " I think I love you"....he also made a comment that he's scared of how I feel. We are in our thirties. I am unsure if I should just act like nothing happened? Do I end it? How would other people react to this? Two thoughts... First, he has a right to be on a different emotional level. His answer is probably the honest one when he says that he "thinks" he loves you. The following response of him being 'scared' is more peculiar to me. Why 'scared?' Again, this could be an honest answer on his part. Perhaps a past history of being dumpted? I wouldn't end it. I was in a relationship long ago when I did the same. The response I got was worst than the one you received. We continued dating to see where it would go....ended up marrying her. :-) This is not a deal-breaker. A little deflating, but not an ender.
basil67 Posted November 5, 2016 Posted November 5, 2016 The fact that you have been on and off dating for so long doesn't bode well. What stopped the two of you from progressing this into a solid relationship previously? Considering you've been with each other for so long...and he's 'scared' of your feelings, I'd talk about it with him. I really believe it's time for the "what are we" talk. If he's not relationship material, you'd be better off knowing before you waste more time on him. 2
PrettyEmily77 Posted November 5, 2016 Posted November 5, 2016 After a whole year of investing my time in someone, I'd hope for them not to be scared of how I felt. What does 'dating on and off for a year' mean in your situation?
Author splenda Posted November 5, 2016 Author Posted November 5, 2016 On and off in our situation means that we met over a year ago...it began as very casual, a kind of friends of benefits things....or a fling whatever you want to call it. We used to have drinks and bang( I realize that could have been stated in a more eloquent manner, but let's call a spade a spade) . We always had good laughs though..and enjoyed each others company, but it was what it was. We saw each other maybe once a week. Sometimes we did date type stuff, but I didn't see it going anywheres, and I believe he felt the same. He was hung up on a woman when we first met...I would say it was about christmas time last year when he finally started to get over her. I don't know the whole story, aside from that they dated briefly. I said to him once, " you are in love with her?" and he said " how did you know that" and I said it was based on how he had spoken to her when we ran into her. He did not disagree. We had a period last spring where we had stopped sleeping together but remained friendly. He ended things this summer, and after a month or so decided he missed me and wanted to try again, I explained how it wasn't cool...and he upped his game totally. We see each other a few times a week, some more than others. He is much more open with me now, and we talk about pretty much everything under the sun. He mentioned while driving one day out of the blue that he no longer had feelings for his ex. He constantly tells me how funny and intelligent I am. I have gained a significant amount of weight since meeting ( medications) and when I brought that up, he said " yes you have. I would be lying if I didn't say it would be nice if you were the same size as before, but I understand, and I still find you attractive. It's not a concern for me , really. I'm with you because I enjoy your personality". Which I thought was actually a great answer, as he didn't lie and say it wasn't an issue ( because of course it is, if for no other reason it bothers me). He also will quite often say while we are being intimate " I love your.." but it's a body part he names that follows. We have very different communication styles, I am a talker, he withdraws. We have discussed this, and seem to have reached a good middle ground that both of us feel good about. I have my own trust issues when it comes to relationships, and we finally had the" what are we" talk the same night I said that. I guess I just figured get it out all of the way haha. We determined we were exclusive and that we are a couple. Prior to that, he's referred to me as " his girl" and made comments such as " my girlfriend" but it was always in passing. I have met his family and friends. I don't know what the scared thing meant. I took offense to that, and my response was, " but this is why we need to talk". He also made a comment one night last month while we were chatting " There have been three significant women in my life, and you are one of them". I don't know...I think maybe more than the not responding in kind to my love statement was the issue that he said he was scared of how I felt.
joseb Posted November 5, 2016 Posted November 5, 2016 The comment alone wouldn't be so bad. But with the extra info I think this is just a f*ck buddy situation that has just gone on longer and as often happens, one of you has developed more feelings and the other is probably at the same point they always were. But he doesn't want to give up on the benefits. As regards his comment about significant women, I would definitely count by last fb as a significant women in my life, and although I liked her and we had a great time together, I was never interested in a long term relationship. 1
smackie9 Posted November 5, 2016 Posted November 5, 2016 Just my opinion but, investing in something that is so thin is a waste of time. This guy is wishy washy. if you want something solid and true, look elsewhere.
Author splenda Posted November 5, 2016 Author Posted November 5, 2016 That was my concern. So on that note...should I just end things to save face? I had decided to a few weeks ago thinking that I was more invested. I brought his belongings to him when going over to visit one night. He said " well you forgot the cord to this...I guess you can't get rid of me that easily" He then brought some belongings over again a couple of weeks later and when leaving them here said " is this okay? oh and by the way..maybe next time instead of reacting we could try talking?"
Gr8fuln2020 Posted November 5, 2016 Posted November 5, 2016 Oh, missed the dating on and off... This reinforces my earlier post. He has a right to be on a different level of interest. He is probably thinking 'how can someone be in love with him from on and off dating?' I can now see why he would feel a little 'scared.' With what we've been told, I don't see anything wrong with his response. When I shared mine, I had been dating my ex-wife continuously for some time.
Anika9 Posted November 6, 2016 Posted November 6, 2016 Why is it scary for someone to love you, ever? its just how they feel it does not require anything of you,. it obligates you to nothing. they are just sharing their feelings. i always find it flattering and im honored they trust me. even if i don't feel the same, its not 'scary. that seems like a lot of unnecessary pressure to be putting on a confidence. its kind of demeaning, even if thats not the intent. what has she 'done' to him that he should fear. she's exactly who she was 15seconds prior to saying she loves him.
thecrucible Posted November 6, 2016 Posted November 6, 2016 When he says he's scared it almost sounds like he is saying that he is afraid that your feelings go beyond his and he wants your feelings to be on the level his are.
Redhead14 Posted November 6, 2016 Posted November 6, 2016 I've been dating a man on and off for about a year. Lately we have spending more time together, and I foolishly after a few drinks said to him the other night " I love you". I do feel this way, however, he responded with " I think I love you"....he also made a comment that he's scared of how I feel. We are in our thirties. I am unsure if I should just act like nothing happened? Do I end it? How would other people react to this? Given your history with this guy, his response is actually pretty upfront. He's been content with the "way things are" which is very casual and having no "obligations". Now that you've let him know you love him, you may be expecting more from him and he isn't prepared to give it to you which means he may be losing his F buddy. That's what he's afraid of, not your love . . .
Author splenda Posted November 6, 2016 Author Posted November 6, 2016 If he's afraid of losing his f buddy, do I just disregard the part of the conversation where we decided to make it offical and be exclusive? And where drinks were involved, could I potentially just ignore the fact I said I love you? I do feel that way, but it's just a realization that I had the other day, and I am not even entirely sure I would want anything differently than what we have right now ( as I said in earlier post, we now see each other 3 or so times a week which are always sleep overs and generally speaking on our days off go into the next day). I said it, I wasn't lying....but I do realize it probably wasn't the best timing and would not have had I been more clear minded, if that makes sense. However, now it's been said, and I'm unsure if it's going to change the dynamic so much that I should just end it. The scared comment bothered me more so in the sense that I'm a talker and had he elaborated I could have explained that nothing had to change, as I'm not ready for that either, if that makes sense. To make things more complicated, he is currently building a house that is behind schedule, and we have discussed him staying here for december and january, as I have my own two bedroom house in which I live alone. His take on that was " it could be awesome or it could be really weird...I'm a horrible person to live with"....he went on to explain that he just really prefers living alone....I told him I also have issues with sharing living space, and after discussing it all, we decided that since we are both rarely home, and there is enough space here, it may be the ideal situation over him staying elsewhere. I could use the extra money through christmas, and we wouldn't be on top of each other all the time. But of course, this issue may change all of that.
Redhead14 Posted November 6, 2016 Posted November 6, 2016 (edited) If he's afraid of losing his f buddy, do I just disregard the part of the conversation where we decided to make it offical and be exclusive? And where drinks were involved, could I potentially just ignore the fact I said I love you? I do feel that way, but it's just a realization that I had the other day, and I am not even entirely sure I would want anything differently than what we have right now ( as I said in earlier post, we now see each other 3 or so times a week which are always sleep overs and generally speaking on our days off go into the next day). I said it, I wasn't lying....but I do realize it probably wasn't the best timing and would not have had I been more clear minded, if that makes sense. However, now it's been said, and I'm unsure if it's going to change the dynamic so much that I should just end it. The scared comment bothered me more so in the sense that I'm a talker and had he elaborated I could have explained that nothing had to change, as I'm not ready for that either, if that makes sense. To make things more complicated, he is currently building a house that is behind schedule, and we have discussed him staying here for december and january, as I have my own two bedroom house in which I live alone. His take on that was " it could be awesome or it could be really weird...I'm a horrible person to live with"....he went on to explain that he just really prefers living alone....I told him I also have issues with sharing living space, and after discussing it all, we decided that since we are both rarely home, and there is enough space here, it may be the ideal situation over him staying elsewhere. I could use the extra money through christmas, and we wouldn't be on top of each other all the time. But of course, this issue may change all of that. Listen, he may very well like you very much but he doesn't want to, and more likely knows, he can't give you the kind of relationship you want/need. He doesn't want to lose what he has and he wants it on his terms. He is leaving the "dirty work" to you. In other words, "I don't want a real relationship with you, but I like you and want what we have for now so if you're not happy with the situation, you need to end it. You can string yourself along for as long as you want. I will tolerate having you around until you start pushing me for more and then I will sabotage it in a way that will cause you to want to leave on your own." Edited November 6, 2016 by Redhead14
Author splenda Posted November 6, 2016 Author Posted November 6, 2016 thank you for your response. I will talk to him today or tomorrow and end things. I have some guilt as this will complicate things for him in the i mmediate for him due to his plans to stay here, but I guess every thing happens for a reason.
mortensorchid Posted November 6, 2016 Posted November 6, 2016 Not a good response on his part. I have bad news for you, which is that this isn't going to happen. He will treat you badly or find some reason or excuse to wimp out on you in the future. Move on.
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