I've just ended a relationship and feel awful about it.

[Sunkissedpatio]

I had no idea the OP was even considering this! Yes, terrible idea, 100% do NOT do that. It would be like a woman sending a guy a card talking about how she can't date him because short men or poor men or dudes with smaller penises turn her off. That's just pointless and cruel.

 

A female poster suggested it on the first page and it's terrible advice to follow if he considers it.

[Toodaloo]

You've actually been contacted again by men who found your naked bodies repulsive? I didn't think people actually did this. I've had a few long dry spells and have contacted exes from time to time, but never one I found physically unappealing.

 

Yup.

 

Three. The only ones who have ever moaned about my wrinkly bits. One was so fat he waddled and made no attempt to shed a pound or two. The other was skinny as a rake but had serious varicose veins, crooked teeth and other physical "things" you get when you get old... The last was good looking up until the age of 21 when he lost all his hair within a year and got fat very quickly. The irony of the last one was that he said I was "fat" when I was at my thinnest (13" waist naturally and major struggles to put weight on due to serious amounts of exercise with my job)...

 

No good looking man has ever put me down for my looks/ weight etc and the reasons we "ended it" was because we just didn't get on as a couple and were better off friends. 9/10 times it was me who ended it.

 

With the three above each one came back to me within months of breaking up because they "missed me" and they were unable to find a better girlfriend, no one compared to me and wasn't I wonderful... What did they think I was going to do? Go back to them for more fat comments until they got fed up again. Too right I am wonderful so my response was - Sod that.

[Toodaloo]

I had no idea the OP was even considering this! Yes, terrible idea, 100% do NOT do that. It would be like a woman sending a guy a card talking about how she can't date him because short men or poor men or dudes with smaller penises turn her off. That's just pointless and cruel.

 

Here it is...

 

Geesh, this sounds like something you'd see on TV.

 

Anywho, IMO, you should send her a card detailing what issues with her breath, smells, and appearance.

 

She might cry to death over it and it may put her in the deepest depression ever, but I wonder if she's sitting around thinking 'Geesh, if we were so great, why did he end it? Typical jerk guy who once he sleeps with a chick, he bounches'.

 

Just be tactful about it.

 

I mean, she needs to know this in order to meet someone. But really, how would she not notice this about herself? I constantly sniff under my arms all the time. Geesh, wouldn't like to be near myself after a workout:laugh:

 

BTW, I don't think you're being shallow about they hygiene. I mean, that's a basic need for people to take care of when it comes to themselves. If she is that clueless about life, then I guess she'll be single. About her looks? Is she doing anything about the skin?

[No_Go]

Well the smallest waist in history of human kind is 15 inches, so... if yours is 13, consider applying for a Guinness record

 

Otherwise I think if one does NOT like the body or appearance of a partner that can't be changed - they should just shut the f*ck up and leave. If it can be changed (without surgery or other extremes) - it is maybe worth a tactful mention.

 

I generally noticed that if I like the guy, I start liking his appearance over time even if he's not 'my type' but maybe men are more visually oriented.

 

Yup.

 

Three. The only ones who have ever moaned about my wrinkly bits. One was so fat he waddled and made no attempt to shed a pound or two. The other was skinny as a rake but had serious varicose veins, crooked teeth and other physical "things" you get when you get old... The last was good looking up until the age of 21 when he lost all his hair within a year and got fat very quickly. The irony of the last one was that he said I was "fat" when I was at my thinnest (13" waist naturally and major struggles to put weight on due to serious amounts of exercise with my job)...

 

No good looking man has ever put me down for my looks/ weight etc and the reasons we "ended it" was because we just didn't get on as a couple and were better off friends. 9/10 times it was me who ended it.

 

With the three above each one came back to me within months of breaking up because they "missed me" and they were unable to find a better girlfriend, no one compared to me and wasn't I wonderful... What did they think I was going to do? Go back to them for more fat comments until they got fed up again. Too right I am wonderful so my response was - Sod that.

[Toodaloo]

Well the smallest waist in history of human kind is 15 inches, so... if yours is 13, consider applying for a Guinness record

 

Otherwise I think if one does NOT like the body or appearance of a partner that can't be changed - they should just shut the f*ck up and leave. If it can be changed (without surgery or other extremes) - it is maybe worth a tactful mention.

 

I generally noticed that if I like the guy, I start liking his appearance over time even if he's not 'my type' but maybe men are more visually oriented.

 

Actually I think the record was 11 or 12"... and no. I do not want to be that thin again and I certainly do not want to be in any record books for being thin... because it looked hideous in my eyes and what an absolutely pointless achievement. Being skinny is hardly the nobel prize now is it. I also was under doctors orders etc... Never been so fed up in my life. Suspect it was probably partly because of "fat boy".

 

I think men are more "visual" in general than women. But if someone is prepared to ditch a person they so called "adore" for the sake of a bit of fat - well in my opinion they deserve what they get. If they can not appreciate the sane fun women whos company they enjoy then let them go for the girls they are attracted to and if they happen to be drama lamas or unstable and liable to cheat well, you get what you put in in this world...

[Shining One]

I think men are more "visual" in general than women. But if someone is prepared to ditch a person they so called "adore" for the sake of a bit of fat - well in my opinion they deserve what they get. If they can not appreciate the sane fun women whos company they enjoy then let them go for the girls they are attracted to and if they happen to be drama lamas or unstable and liable to cheat well, you get what you put in in this world...

I don't think the OP had reached the adoration stage. They had only been on a few dates over a period of three weeks. Speaking for myself, I don't adore women that quickly.

[Toodaloo]

I don't think the OP had reached the adoration stage. They had only been on a few dates over a period of three weeks. Speaking for myself, I don't adore women that quickly.

 

Either either... doesn't matter. She is free now to find someone else anyway. So is he.

[Sunnymae]

Maybe you should date women that haven't had babies, perhaps college age women, the question is will they be interested in dating a 37 year old, just saying. Or if you can find women your age, that haven't had kids, and won't have loose skin.

As a woman who had 3 c-section, I don't have tight abdominals. My ex husband left me after 10 years b/c he said I didn't have the body I had before, and that he deserved someone better. To use his words "what happened to your body"

Well, guess what karma is a bitch, B/c I just saw him and he looks like he's 9 months, pregnant, in contrast to me who Walks, exercise is physically fit, muscular legs, nice breast for someone who had 3 kids, but I still have loose skin, I guess I could always get a tummy tuck.I was so tempted to say "what happened to your body" But, I think I'd rather find a man that thinks realistically, and knows that a woman close to his age will not have natural tight abdomen, I wouldn't want a shallow man.

[xxoo]

As a woman who had 3 c-section, I don't have tight abdominals. My ex husband left me after 10 years b/c he said I didn't have the body I had before, and that he deserved someone better. To use his words "what happened to your body"

 

 

That's absolutely awful.

 

OP, you should date women you're attracted to. There are a lot of gorgeous women with fit bodies out there, and many of them are wonderful people. Of course, you'll need to be attractive to them, as well. That's always the catch, isn't it?

 

But when you find her, remember that bodies don't stay the same forever. We all get old and saggy, and then we die. Period.

[True Gent]

Well it seems that my thread has inadvertently caused offence to some of the females here...

 

I am sorry some of you are clearly offended by my post which was just an honest post about something personal to me which was to help get things off my chest. That's what LS is here for. I've felt bad about what's happened and needed to vent a little. It seems that in doing that some have gotten the wrong end of the stick, or I've touched a few nerves.

 

Either way here are some points of clarification.

 

Firstly I have no intention of sending any kind of stupid card or anything else with insults. That was not my suggestion, nor would I ever consider such an idea! I have no intention of doing anything at all.

 

Secondly I have nothing against bigger women. I really liked the girl, enough to feel attracted. In the end certain physical aspects didn't do it for me. I'm human.

 

Someone mentioned I should go for younger women who have not had children. Well I've never dated a woman who's had children, so this is a non issue. Don't even know what prompted that, because I haven't mentioned any such thing.

 

I would like to point out that I'm not looking for some super hot unattainable model. An equal will be more than fine. I'm 37, slim and toned, infact my body is probably better now than it's ever been due to exercise so it's not an unrealistic desire.

 

Maybe I am shallow, but I'm still willing to give someone a chance if I am attracted by their personality and other features. Attraction is attraction regardless of type. I just moved too fast in this case and have been put off early because of reasons I didn't expect.

 

I'll not make the mistake again, but thanks to those of you who've been patronising and bitter about it.

[NopeNah]

Well it seems that my thread has inadvertently caused offence to some of the females here...

 

I am sorry some of you are clearly offended by my post which was just an honest post about something personal to me which was to help get things off my chest. That's what LS is here for. I've felt bad about what's happened and needed to vent a little. It seems that in doing that some have gotten the wrong end of the stick, or I've touched a few nerves.

 

Either way here are some points of clarification.

 

Firstly I have no intention of sending any kind of stupid card or anything else with insults. That was not my suggestion, nor would I ever consider such an idea! I have no intention of doing anything at all.

 

Secondly I have nothing against bigger women. I really liked the girl, enough to feel attracted. In the end certain physical aspects didn't do it for me. I'm human.

 

Someone mentioned I should go for younger women who have not had children. Well I've never dated a woman who's had children, so this is a non issue. Don't even know what prompted that, because I haven't mentioned any such thing.

 

I would like to point out that I'm not looking for some super hot unattainable model. An equal will be more than fine. I'm 37, slim and toned, infact my body is probably better now than it's ever been due to exercise so it's not an unrealistic desire.

 

Maybe I am shallow, but I'm still willing to give someone a chance if I am attracted by their personality and other features. Attraction is attraction regardless of type. I just moved too fast in this case and have been put off early because of reasons I didn't expect.

 

I'll not make the mistake again, but thanks to those of you who've been patronising and bitter about it.

 

My take... You did what was right for you! Kudos for that! Don't send a card or talk to her about it! You were not satisfied and ended it..simple! A few lady's on here appear to be projecting their own insecurities on you ending it..whatever..as long as you're happy!

[Lifeissomething]

Well it seems that my thread has inadvertently caused offence to some of the females here...

 

I am sorry some of you are clearly offended by my post which was just an honest post about something personal to me which was to help get things off my chest. That's what LS is here for. I've felt bad about what's happened and needed to vent a little. It seems that in doing that some have gotten the wrong end of the stick, or I've touched a few nerves.

 

Either way here are some points of clarification.

 

Firstly I have no intention of sending any kind of stupid card or anything else with insults. That was not my suggestion, nor would I ever consider such an idea! I have no intention of doing anything at all.

 

Secondly I have nothing against bigger women. I really liked the girl, enough to feel attracted. In the end certain physical aspects didn't do it for me. I'm human.

 

Someone mentioned I should go for younger women who have not had children. Well I've never dated a woman who's had children, so this is a non issue. Don't even know what prompted that, because I haven't mentioned any such thing.

 

I would like to point out that I'm not looking for some super hot unattainable model. An equal will be more than fine. I'm 37, slim and toned, infact my body is probably better now than it's ever been due to exercise so it's not an unrealistic desire.

 

Maybe I am shallow, but I'm still willing to give someone a chance if I am attracted by their personality and other features. Attraction is attraction regardless of type. I just moved too fast in this case and have been put off early because of reasons I didn't expect.

 

I'll not make the mistake again, but thanks to those of you who've been patronising and bitter about it.

 

You did nothing wrong and don't need to apologize to anyone. If so called members can't handle for personal reasons other people's stories/situations, then they shouldn't be reading an advice/help forum. They had no right conflating their insecurities with your stories and then berating you. Some people are such babies.

 

You seem like a nice guy who was struggling with a situation. I went through a similar experience and as you and felt absolutely horrible. It's called compassion and don't lose it. Hope you received some positive insight from the responses here. Don't let the wahh parade convince you that you did wrong.

[Sunkissedpatio]

You did nothing wrong and don't need to apologize to anyone. If so called members can't handle for personal reasons other people's stories/situations, then they shouldn't be reading an advice/help forum. They had no right conflating their insecurities with your stories and then berating you. Some people are such babies.

 

You seem like a nice guy who was struggling with a situation. I went through a similar experience and as you and felt absolutely horrible. It's called compassion and don't lose it. Hope you received some positive insight from the responses here. Don't let the wahh parade convince you that you did wrong.

 

Well first of all no one in this thread told the OP that what he did was "wrong" in fact everyone said that what he did was the right thing to do and that he handled it well. There were suggestions to not send an explanation card, but that was based on another poster's suggestion which was weird at best but not a reflection on the OP.

 

Yes some people had questions, and they had their own views on this situation but no one told him what he did was "wrong" not sure why you are saying that?

 

As well, he is not apologizing to us, he is apologizing to himself really because he is the only one who is being really hard on himself and came here because he was felling guilty about his actions. I think most of us expressed to him that there was no need to feel guilty because it is what it is. He wanted to know how to get past that guilt and most people told him just to let those negative feelings go because these things do happen.

[Lifeissomething]

Well first of all no one in this thread told the OP that what he did was "wrong" in fact everyone said that what he did was the right thing to do and that he handled it well. There were suggestions to not send an explanation card, but that was based on another poster's suggestion which was weird at best but not a reflection on the OP.

 

Yes some people had questions, and they had their own views on this situation but no one told him what he did was "wrong" not sure why you are saying that?

 

As well, he is not apologizing to us, he is apologizing to himself really because he is the only one who is being really hard on himself and came here because he was felling guilty about his actions. I think most of us expressed to him that there was no need to feel guilty because it is what it is. He wanted to know how to get past that guilt and most people told him just to let those negative feelings go because these things do happen.

 

There's your version and there's reality.

He was clearly made to feel bad enough that he posted his above apology. I, as well, picked up on some unnecessary judgement towards him from other posters. I'm sure others did too. If I recall, there was even a post with a snide comment essentially calling this an ego boost. That's uncalled crap for a user that was open and intelligent with his responses and just looking for advice. Here we are 3 pages later and he's the one that feels like the bad guy. Bull.

 

He's apologizing to himself? Right. His response (apology post) is clearly intended for a specific audience, that audience being the users that he allegedly offended. You're welcome to believe he offended himself and is now apologizing to himself by using a public forum with a post in prose he wrote 'as if intended for others' but is really for himself--I call nonsense. Again, your version and then reality.

[Grumpybutfun]

I think you are being rather hard on yourself. I'm neither a shallow man or superficial in any overt way. That said, I could not be with anyone whom I felt lacked hygiene or whom I didn't find physically appealing for me. I have dated women of all sizes, and have been teased by others for dating unconventional women, but the point is that to me they were all lovely and sexy as hell and smelled amazing. Even that didn't make me want to pursue them long term. Relationships and mating are way more complicated than that.

 

I'm 43 with three kids and a lovely wife and a couple of grandkids, so maybe I'm outdated in my thinking, but why would any man or woman want to be with someone they do not completely want to be with? I think you handled a very uncomfortable component of your needs base in a compassionate enough way, so you needn't feel like a bad human being for gathering data and acting on that data in the best way that suits your needs.

 

Yes, it hurts to be rejected. Yes, it is disconcerting to know that our desires aren't always in alignment with perfectly normal and nice people. Yes, there will always be people who are superficial and shallow, but normally those people don't feel bad about their rejection of others so I'm thinking you aren't that way.

 

I met lots of women who were great before my wife. Most of them would have been sufficient for a relationship and marriage. However, there is a difference between being content and being deliriously happy and completely invested with someone. She will find that guy who thinks she is perfect just the way she is because you won't waste her time trying to force yourself, out of kindness, to feel more desire and interest in her than you do.

Best,

Grumps

[darkmoon]

some other guy might like her, let it go, let her go

[Sunkissedpatio]

There's your version and there's reality.

He was clearly made to feel bad enough that he posted his above apology. I, as well, picked up on some unnecessary judgement towards him from other posters. I'm sure others did too. If I recall, there was even a post with a snide comment essentially calling this an ego boost. That's uncalled crap for a user that was open and intelligent with his responses and just looking for advice. Here we are 3 pages later and he's the one that feels like the bad guy. Bull.

 

Excuse me, did you read the opening post? He came on here because he was feeling really bad and unsettled by what he did. No one "made him feel" anything he wasn't already feeling himself.

The fact he didn't get a resounding "there-there you poor poor thing..."does not mean he was "made to feel like what he did was wrong" Most people supported his decision in fact.

 

I've just ended a relationship and feel awful about it.

 

I feel so shallow and guilty.

 

I feel so awful about it...

 

You're right though, there's your version and then there's the truth.

Edited November 10, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio