I need some help with a friend who is very upset right now? Please!!!

[sunflwer625]

Tell me what you think of this situation?

 

Ok I have a question!! But let me give some details first. A man and a woman are both divorced (him for 2 years and her a little longer) and they have been dating for almost 17months. He was married for 19 and she for 12-- both went through nasty divorces. Well she has gotten to the point where she ready to move to the next step-- living together. Neither one have a desire to marry right away, but she is wanting to move to this next level. He states that he is not ready yet. They have discussed it several times and he just doesn't want to get hurt. She doesn't either but I guess is alittle more trusting to take that leap. They are both very much in love, or so it seems, but what is she to do? She has tried several different approaches to try and achieve this. She has not been vindictive of manipulative in any way she has just tried to help him see that it might be time to move on and let go of his fears of the past. Do you have any male perspective on what she should do or what might be going on through his mind?

Please let me know!!!

Ok update onthis situation. It has gotten worse and I don't know what to tell her... I didn't mention in the last post that they do live about 100 miles from each other. Well he has decided to call it quits. She is just devastated. He says that he loves her but that it would not work and it's best to cut the strings before either one of them get more attached. He's afraid of mixing households whether they were living together or if she just moved to the same town and had her place. She was willing to leave it as it was or to move there and just get her own place just to see where the relationship went but he insists that it's better this way. But the thing that confuses me and that she keeps asking is why would he keep saying that he loves her, and that he doesn't know what he'll do if he can't talk to her everyday, and he doesn't know why he is so wishy-washy about it. I did hear him tell her that one minute he wants to keep the relationship but the next he doesn't. I saw the ordeal when they split and he was in tears where as she was holding strong and broke down later. I know there is nothing I can do but just listen but what is going on with these two? I'm at a loss-- i've never seen two people more in love but end something so good out of fear?! It amazes me-- I would love to have a relationship of love like theirs-- I'm confused. Sorry it's so long but I need clarity so that I can help her better. Thank you!!!

Was he lying about how he feels? Does he love her or was he possibly trying to make it easier? She keeps asking what she has done wrong? If he ran because she did something, or if he found someone else, what? She asks all these questions and I'm not sure what to say! I can't imagine him being so tearful about ending it if he didn't feel that way. She has talked to some of our other friends to get some insight also and they tell her "He will call, just wait..." She keeps asking me if he will and I don't know what to say. Is this something that is typical in this situation, what should hse do if he does...? Thanks for replying!! Let me know what you think...

This is from a prior post I had meade somewhere else-- It may seem unorganized but read and let me know what you think is going on with this guy. They haven't talked since he called it quits--last wednesday-- but what should I tell her. Would he have called by now if her wanted her back? or no?

Thank You!!

[Jijomo]

She is too PUSHY!

 

He loves her, but like he HAS SAID OVER AND OVER AND OVER, he's not ready to move to the next step!

 

Now listen: He is not ready to move forward in their relationship. He is recently divorced, and very nervous about moving forward with the relationship. Maybe in his mind, his ex wife was perfect, just like your friend, until they moved forward, then she became evil.

 

Maybe he is afraid that your friend will be like his ex wife and turn into a devil once they get more serious.

 

He has said he is not ready to move forward!

 

Now, your friend IS ready to move forward. She is pushing him (although lightly) to move forward. He is not ready. She is ready, so she is pushing him. He is not ready to move forward. She is pushing him to move forward, because she wants what SHE wants, and she thinks she knows what's best for him. So she is pushing him. He doesn't want to be pushed. He is not ready.

 

So since your friend wants and needs to move forward, but he is not ready and is scared to move forward, he realizes that what she needs and what he needs are very different. She needs comittment, and he needs time. So he broke up with her, because she's pushing him to do and be something that he's not ready for. Since he can't give her what she wants, he knows it's going to hurt her.

 

So he's breaking up with her. She pushed him to move forward, and he pushed back.

 

So now, since she PUSHED, she's farther back than when she started.

 

What she needs to do is give him space. Don't PUSH! Don't call begging for him back, don't offer solutions, don't DO ANYTHING! Leave it alone. Give him time to heal, and to breathe. Let him think it out. Once he thinks it out, he may want to start over.

 

Starting from scratch will at least give him time to ease into moving forward. But your friend's boyfriend told her that he wasn't ready...she pushed any way. That's what happens when you try to make people do what they aren't ready to do.

[sunflwer625]

Let me explain some about the ex-wife he had-- The two met in high school. When he decided to go to school and room with another guy she pressured him into getting married-- basically threw a fit-- so he decided that he would go ahead and marry her. He felt that marrying her was less of a threat than losing her. Well there marriage was good for the first 5 years. They went through the typical stuff-- she wanted kids-- he wanted to wait. He decided to have kids. But even by this time she was already a little less giving in the bedroom. They managed to have two children. After this he stated that the relationship went bad. He began to feel "trapped" He stayed with her-- even through her consistent yelling and screaming (he was very passive where she was the dominating one). He wanted to make it work. Well 14 years later and after all this heart ache with arguing, no intimacy, and everything else you can imagine she decided to tell him it was over and to leave. The divorce made things even nastier. He found out that she was indeed a lesbian (he had seen some signs but never wanted to believe them). The wife got even worse. She threatened to turn him in for rape because she was not being intimate and he would try to touch her-- this in effect would jeopardize his job in the health field. Then over a Christmas break she would not let him visit with his kids because she said she was worried that he would do something to their kids. Well things eventually calmed down some-- she eventually had the girlfirend move in with her. Well over the last six months she has sent a letter and made some phone calls saying how upset she is-- for example her last phone call she was crying because she couldn't believe that they both had to take their kids on seperate vacations. Just anything!! I was just basically wondering if most or any guy would go back to something like this-- even if she said things would be better. I can't imagine going back into something that was so unpleasant-- people don't usually change you have to accept them for who they are or just move on. Now I'm not saying someone can't change, but it takes more than just saying you will. Let me know what you think-- would most go back? Sorry so long!!! My friend is also worried about him going back to his ex-- would someone actually go back to this and how does this affect the future of her relationship with him? Knowing all these details regarding his past and their relationship do you think he would come back to reconcile with my friend? She keeps asking me if he'll call? I know she has not made any attempt to contact him so there has been nothing since last wednesday. I'm just as confused as she is-- I don't know what else to say!!