Mountainwabbit Posted November 5, 2016 Posted November 5, 2016 Hi, I'm not sure why I'm posting this here - it's about a dead relationship, so I'm not really looking for advice. Maybe I just want to get it off my chest. It's a long story... So about 8 years ago, I put my career on hiatus to move back to Ohio when my dad developed a debilitating illness and my mom needed my help to take care of him. It was a hard, sorrowful six years. While home, I became close friends with a woman I met in a coffee shop. I was quite taken by her personality, but I was always a little leery of a relationship, as she had a history of short, unstable romances. After my father passed away, I decided to pursue an unfulfilled dream of becoming a scuba instructor and moving to the tropics. So one night a few months before carrying out this plan, I was at a party with this female friend and, being somewhat inebriated, I expressed my love for her. Bad, bad, fateful move. But the cat was out of the bag, and even if I would never have said it while sober, it was the undeniable truth, so I didn't take it back. We started a relationship, and made plans for her to join me in Hawai'i as soon as she could manage the move. It never happened that way. I spent a wonderful year and a half in Hawai'i, having a long-distance relationship with her. We broke up once, which was my own damn fault, as I was not communicating enough, but I worked at it, and we patched it up and things worked better. She decided that moving to Hawai'i was unworkable, so we decided that I should return to Ohio instead. She had been initially overjoyed by this, but in the weeks leading up to my return, she became distant. I would talk about long-term plans, like us moving to Florida to be close to her parents when it came time to take care of them, but she seemed uninterested. I asked her about her sudden indifference, and all she said was that it was too far in the future to plan. I took it as just her being nervous about the big changes that were coming with me moving in soon. I should have seen it as a major red flag. So I flew back from Hawai'i, expending most of my savings. The day after I moved in, she dumped me. She told me that in the past month, she had fallen in love with another man, and that she was marrying him. I was utterly blindsided and crushed. She said that we could date until they got married, and in my fog of despair, I quite pathetically agreed. The next four months were a total Hell. I interviewed for job after job; the best I found was part-time at Target. I grew less communicative with my ex - I quickly saw the whole "let's date until I marry" thing for the sham that it was. I realized (how I hadn't noticed this in the years before this, I don't know) that most of my ex's friends were jilted lovers. I felt as if I were just another trinket in a collection that she had spent years assembling. I even drew my sister into the mess - I asked her to help my ex find a job, and my sister, a vice president of a large hotel corporation, obliged by getting her a management position at a local hotel. She quit on the third day, much to my sister's embarrassment. I started saving up every dollar I could to move out. She acted hurt and rejected when I mentioned leaving, saying that "I figured you'd bolt as soon as you could." It was no consolation at all when she called off the marriage plans after two months - her boyfriend, who I met several times, was a decent guy, and he didn't deserve to get his feelings yanked around like that. As for me, I wanted out of that house as soon as I could afford it. So one morning at 4:00 AM, while I stood outside the Target waiting for the manager to let us in, I got a voicemail from my old boss from years ago - he was offering me back the teaching position that I had given up when my dad fell ill! I was flabbergasted. I quickly made arrangements to secure a loan and move back out of state. My ex was supportive of it, but acted like her dumping me had caused the opportunity to present itself. She boasted of it repeatedly and to many people, much to my annoyance. Yeah, thanks a bunch for that low blow. A little to my surprise, my ex and I went back to being good friends - for a while. I was overjoyed to have back a job that I had deeply regretted leaving in the first place. Immersed in my new/old life, I began to drift away from my ex, calling her less and less. When she expressed displeasure at this, I only said that I was very busy, leaving out my irritation that she'd demand more attention from someone she'd dumped on a whim. A couple weeks later, she blew up in a public Facebook rant against me. She accused me of underhandedly plotting out the collapse of our relationship, and said that I had moved away because I was a coward and running away from our love. She also posted a tearful poem about me, saying that I'd "die a little bit every day" without her. I was furious, but I resisted the urge to post some kind of scathing rebuttal. The next day, she sent me a friendly 'good morning' text message. I sent back an icy text to the effect that using social media against me was totally unacceptable, that I had nothing more to say, and that I wished her the best. I then blocked her phone number, facebook account, and email. The next day, a friend of hers called to say that my ex had fallen ill after I cut her off. I cut her friend off as well, and have not heard anything for several months. So that's it. Looking back, I see a lot of mistakes I made, like being so uncommunicative, but nothing matches my total chagrin at realizing all of this could have been prevented if I had just stuck to my initial instinct to keep her as a platonic friend. And she was a very, very good platonic friend. It was a terrible shame to lose that.
Els Posted November 5, 2016 Posted November 5, 2016 (edited) So that's it. Looking back, I see a lot of mistakes I made, like being so uncommunicative, but nothing matches my total chagrin at realizing all of this could have been prevented if I had just stuck to my initial instinct to keep her as a platonic friend. And she was a very, very good platonic friend. It was a terrible shame to lose that. Uh, no. This could have been prevented if you had: 1) Not uprooted your life for someone you had never even dated in real life (from what I'm reading, you two didn't even visit once during the LDR?? Or am I misreading and you were actually bf/gf before you left for Hawaii?) 2) Paid more attention to the warning signs during the relationship 3) Been attracted to a different type of woman Now, I'm not blaming you, we all make mistakes. But the key is learning the right lessons from your mistakes. Plenty of people go from platonic friends to partners. That's not the issue. Edited November 5, 2016 by Elswyth 1
salparadise Posted November 5, 2016 Posted November 5, 2016 So that's it. Looking back, I see a lot of mistakes I made, like being so uncommunicative, but nothing matches my total chagrin at realizing all of this could have been prevented if I had just stuck to my initial instinct to keep her as a platonic friend. And she was a very, very good platonic friend. It was a terrible shame to lose that. Eh, I think she's a train wreck. You said yourself that most of her friends are jilted lovers, and that she has a pattern of unstable relationships. Marrying someone else, but dating you until the wedding? Dude, you gotta learn to spot'em. Make a list of clues. Start with "lots of orbiters who've banged her." Add anything from this list that may fit. Hell, just add the list in its entirety. One more thing... women like this don't have platonic male friends. They're all just dudes she used to bang, dudes she'll eventually bang, and orbiters she enjoys manipulating. Stable, loyal, responsible... all good things to look for. Does that not have any appeal?
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