My boyfriend has the urge to explore with other girls because he was a virgin before

[seekingpeaceinlove]

OP, your bf is all of 21. He cares about you but his urge to experiment sexually with other women is normal and will be damn near impossible to control.

 

He will not be at peace within your relationship because of this. Kudos to him for being honest with you rather than run and cheat. His urge, though he may be able to control it now, will not be satisfied (no matter what you do) until he acts out on it.

 

For your sake and his, end the relationship.

 

You BOTH need to explore what else is out there.

[ExpatInItaly]

when we met he was at a really rough place in life (no job, cut off by family, not going to school etc.)so i helped him get back on his feet we got a him a job, rekindled ties with family, etc but that meant i had to help him a little financially (ik i didnt really think it through im only 19 and still learning, thought i could help him, etc). as far as losing best friends i was living with them and they didnt get along with boyfriend because they thought we was controlling me (im just a pretty passive person so it came off worse than it was and they were just trying to protect me). boyfriend pushed for me to move in with him and friends didnt like him and it just kinda blew up to the point where i had to pick sides which i had trouble doing. my friends also started to screw me over with money through our rent and stuff and i eventually ended up getting kinda kicked out by them so had to pick boyfriend. its hard to explain the whole story because its been a very complex and unique one. i know i love him and i know he love me and is super grateful that i helped him start his life and stuff but i think thats why it bothers me so much that hes still looking at other girls.

 

OP, this is going to get much worse for you. He is not only looking, he is actually suggesting you two open up your relationship so he can have sex with them without technically cheating. He has told you he would like to have sex with other women - listen to him.

 

Is he currently working? Does he contribute to the expenses? I have a bad feeling that is the real reason he pushed to move in with you. He needed a roof over his head and money in his pocket. It's not because he was so in love that he wanted to make this step toward commitment. He's showing you now that is very much not the case.

 

You are very young and sound quite inexperienced, which isn't a bad thing. It's normal at your age. The problem is that certain people will take advantage of your seeming naivety and kindness. Helping someone to get on their feet unfortunately is no promise of mutual respect and commitment. You are learning this the hard way, sadly. He still wants to sleep with other people, and in time, he probably will - whether you give your consent or not.

[preraph]

He is not ready for monogamy. And he will eventually cheat on you. Right now he feels guilty, but the first time you two have a disagreement over some unrelated something and he gets good and mad or the first time you come home late and he can make a case that you are cheating, either one of those, he will use that as an excuse. All this is assuming he can get another woman, of course. It's just a matter of time. And now that he knows how bad you'd hate it, he will hide it from you.

[kendahke]

i know he love me and is super grateful that i helped him start his life and stuff but i think thats why it bothers me so much that hes still looking at other girls.

 

the problem is that he doesn't see your relationship as serious enough for him to change his tack--especially when he's saying mess like:

he asked if i would ever be open to a threesome to "spice up the relationship"

 

A man who isn't looking for sex with other women doesn't ask his girlfriend for a 3some and to say that sex needs "spicing up"? Despite what you think you bring to the situation, it's not enough for him to stay in his own lane. 3some talk doesn't happen with someone who isn't looking for sex with someone new.

[nf1000]

OP, this is going to get much worse for you. He is not only looking, he is actually suggesting you two open up your relationship so he can have sex with them without technically cheating. He has told you he would like to have sex with other women - listen to him.

 

Is he currently working? Does he contribute to the expenses? I have a bad feeling that is the real reason he pushed to move in with you. He needed a roof over his head and money in his pocket. It's not because he was so in love that he wanted to make this step toward commitment. He's showing you now that is very much not the case.

 

You are very young and sound quite inexperienced, which isn't a bad thing. It's normal at your age. The problem is that certain people will take advantage of your seeming naivety and kindness. Helping someone to get on their feet unfortunately is no promise of mutual respect and commitment. You are learning this the hard way, sadly. He still wants to sleep with other people, and in time, he probably will - whether you give your consent or not.

 

yes he works. he says that im his motivation to get his life back together and that he wants to support us both and whatnot. his dad is main financial backbone right now though so the dad pays for most of his rent. i pay for a lot of the small stuff but it all adds up. (ex. i bought him a backpack so hed go back to school but he ended up dropping out because he never really learned anything or cared enough growing up). he told me to keep track though as he wants pay me back for everything eventually.

[5x5]

is there any hope for our relationship?

 

As an exclusive relationship no.

 

As an open relationship possibly.

 

im really good at reading him and i can tell he would never actually cheat on me

 

Until you find out that he has cheated on you.

[nf1000]

i told him this morning i wasnt going to invest anymore time in the relationship if hes gonna be selfish and ask for a threesome or go explore with other girls. he started freaking out saying we are never gonna break up and that he honestly couldnt see himself with another girl because he loves me too much and that he didnt give me a promise ring for nothing. i want to believe him but i also know that i always give people the benefit of the doubt so im at an internal battle with myself. lol i probably sound like such a naive mental case on this site ;/

[kendahke]

If he honestly couldn't see himself with another girl, then why is he bringing up that "he has intense urges to explore and **** around because he found me too young" and "he asked if i would ever be open to a threesome to "spice up the relationship"?

 

Those two statements are inconsistent with someone who "honestly" can't see himself with another girl. I think he's freaking out because you peeped his game.

 

Promise rings are meaningless in light of someone saying to you he's got "intense urges to explore and eff around" and "let's have a 3some; our sex life needs spicing up".

[GunslingerRoland]

I think every man has urges to have sex with other women regardless of whether they were a virgin or not, it's called basic biology. BUT that doesn't give him a right to treat you like crap. He's blackmailing you at this point, and saying if you don't become his personal porn star in the bedroom he's going to be bored and constantly dreaming about having sex with every other woman he sees. How is that fair to you? How can you have any self esteem if you know that is how he feels about you and your sex life?

[SmartDude]

You can tell him its fine if he has his fantasy, but that means you get yours as well.

Let him sleep with another woman on one condition:

 

He is to sit in a chair and watch, while you bang a hot guy in front of him. Tell him if he is up for that then its all good..

[TheTraveler]

I hope you get out of this relationship sooner rather than later on down the OP.

[Buddhist]

Your boy is failing to appreciate what he has and focus on what he doesn't have. That's idiocy in relationships. He's just not grown up enough to be the person you want him to be. He needs to find himself on his own again and free to do as he will sex wise and eventually discover that's not all it's cracked up to be either. At the moment he imagines he can have you and every other girl he wants at the same time. You need to show him that it just doesn't work that way for the vast majority of people. If he wants an open relationship he needs to find himself a girl that's into that. And realise he has to be okay with her banging other dudes too. I'm pretty sure that once he's confronted with that reality the idea of open relationships won't be half so appealing.

 

Before you break up with him do this...

 

Come home all excited about some hot guy at the local cafe and announce to your BF he's totally right, you haven't experienced enough guys either and want to go and bang the one you saw today. Watch him go ballistic over that, because I guarantee he won't be jazzed about your announcement.

Edited November 8, 2016 by Buddhist

[smackie9]

your friends were right.....he is controlling, so much so he forced the situation so they wouldn't get in the way....that is not "fighting for you" That is sick possessiveness. He manipulates you by telling you what you want to hear, and puts on a pretty good act knowing how weakened you are. Your inexperience shows. He's not having "thoughts" of wanting to be with other women, that's what he says to cover his real intentions. He wants a threesome/open relaitonship and didn't know how to go about approaching without getting himself into trouble. He is purposely confusing you, acting like a victim of his urges, BUT ohhhh he wuvs you so much, and doesn't want to be with anyone else, doesn't mean what he says....blah blah blah. You are being manipulated, he's unrelaiable, he's sponging off of family and you....keeps promising he will pay you back yadda yadda yadda. your BF is shady and has some shady motivations to keep you around.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, the problem is that your boyfriend wants to "explore" other women and somehow keep you around as his security blanket. Take it from a woman who has received a couple "promise rings" in her younger days - they mean squat in terms of someone's real commitment. A nice gesture maybe, but you can't exactly take it seriously when in the same breath he's asking to bring other women into your bed.

 

I think this is going to be a very painful relationship for you. This issue will come up again and again, because he's not mature or experienced enough yet to settle down.

[morrowrd]

The problem with your boyfriend is alot like a problem with teenagers/young adults who don't know the value of money, because they never had to pay bills. Live home, mom and dad paying the bills, and when they finally get a job, all the money is spent on themselves...and feel shocked when asked to contribute. Once on their own, paying their own overhead do they learn about saving, budgeting, and overall responsibility.

 

Your boyfriend doesn't know the value of what he has, because he hasn't had life experience. Unfortunately for you, your relationship with him began before he gained that insight on the value of what you bring to the table. And it's never going to happen, until he gains that experience. You can tell him, I could tell him, mom/dad could tell him, but it's not going to sink in until he learns it for himself.

 

Having a relationship isn't a right, it isn't a game, it isn't about gaining sexual experience.... yet you cannot tell someone who hasn't gained that insight. It's too bad that we all couldn't have learned that lesson at a younger age. I'm no different.

[Popsicle]

This is why I'd never be a de-virginator. Too risky no matter how much flowery idealistic stuff comes out of their mouths before having sex.

 

The below is true.

 

 

The problem with your boyfriend is alot like a problem with teenagers/young adults who don't know the value of money, because they never had to pay bills. Live home, mom and dad paying the bills, and when they finally get a job, all the money is spent on themselves...and feel shocked when asked to contribute. Once on their own, paying their own overhead do they learn about saving, budgeting, and overall responsibility.

 

Your boyfriend doesn't know the value of what he has, because he hasn't had life experience. Unfortunately for you, your relationship with him began before he gained that insight on the value of what you bring to the table. And it's never going to happen, until he gains that experience. You can tell him, I could tell him, mom/dad could tell him, but it's not going to sink in until he learns it for himself.

 

Having a relationship isn't a right, it isn't a game, it isn't about gaining sexual experience.... yet you cannot tell someone who hasn't gained that insight. It's too bad that we all couldn't have learned that lesson at a younger age. I'm no different.

[LookAtThisPOst]

This is typical of late bloomer male virgins....now that he has had sex, he has this new confidence that he is going to be this sex god with the ladies. Also first serious relationship, living together only after 6 months, 21 years old......things have gotten too real too fast....he wants to let that leash break so he can run free. He's not ready for such commitment. He's got some more livin to do before he settles down. LET HIM GO.

 

How was he late bloomer? She said he's 21....now, no telling how young he was when he did have sex with her. Of course, if they met in high school, I don't recommend staying together beyond that.

 

I got a kick out of some of the locals here that married their "first" from high school, never could fathom why they didn't have the desire to explore options when they went off to college. Of course, some decided not to go to college, and give it all up to be a 20 year old (or younger) parent, and married.

Edited November 8, 2016 by LookAtThisPOst

[elaine567]

My boyfriend was a virgin when we met. we ended up falling in love and have been dating for over 6 months now and even live together. However, multiple times the issue has come up that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me but he has intense urges to explore and **** around because he found me too young (hes 21). It bothers the hell out of me because i don't look at other guys and it scares me that he might cheat. i thought about giving him a hall pass but i know that would ruin our relationship. he told me that if we ****** a lot and experimented in the bedroom he wouldn't think about it as much but we've been doing that and he still brings it up all the time it really makes me insecure that i can satisfy him enough so any advice?

 

You have become "serious", but there is NO way this will last the distance. He is champing at the bit and is blackmailing you into being a porn star in the bedroom too... smh

 

You have to re-evaluate this whole relationship and think of protecting your heart here. Relationships are supposed to be easy and fun, I see none of that here.

At 21 and a "virgin", he DOES need to experience others and he realises that, but he also sees something in you that says "wife" material, so he doesn't want to let go of that.

He has to make a grown up decision here and think of you and not just himself. He is making you insecure and no doubt miserable by voicing his need for other women.

 

At 21, I also met a man that was "husband" material, but hard as it was I did let him go, as I realised that I was not ready to settle down with one man at that point in my life. Had I met him at 28 it would have been perfect, but such is life.

Your bf just needs to let you go, not try to concoct up mad schemes so that he gets other women in his bed, whilst you sit around patiently waiting for him to get that out of his system. Life doesn't work like that.

Truth is he may never get that out of his system, so please just go find a man who is happy with you and only you.

[joseb]

My advise is to break up now rather than let this simmer for years while you force yourselves into an unhappy marriage and a couple of kids before eventually it all snaps.

[nf1000]

update: so my boyfriend had the nerve to tell me this morning that its not really that he wants to explore sexually. he says the real issue is that i grew up too fast and am too boring. that i am the adult in the relationship and that i need to become more immature so that we can have more fun together. he says that sometimes he feels like im his mom and that i act like im 30 (im only 19). he admitted that he needs to grow up a little but that its mostly me acting too old. this annoys the hell out of me because he sits around playing video games all day of course im gonna ask him to help clean our place or study or something. it kills me because hes taking one class in community college (and he doesnt even go to class half the time) and im taking 5 classes at a private university trying to maintain my 3.9 gpa so of course im not gonna have as much time as him to "have fun". i think this makes him look even more immature because instead of tkaing repsonsibilty for his thoughts of exploring sexually, hes trying to put the problem back on me like WTF?! thoughts? am i overreacting?

[olivetree]

Your bf is a lazy, immature 21 year old boy who wants to sample other women and doesn't appreciate you. Rather he thinks you're old and boring.

 

Why are you in this relationship?

[kendahke]

update: so my boyfriend had the nerve to tell me this morning that its not really that he wants to explore sexually. he says the real issue is that i grew up too fast and am too boring. that i am the adult in the relationship and that i need to become more immature so that we can have more fun together. he says that sometimes he feels like im his mom and that i act like im 30 (im only 19). he admitted that he needs to grow up a little but that its mostly me acting too old. this annoys the hell out of me because he sits around playing video games all day of course im gonna ask him to help clean our place or study or something. it kills me because hes taking one class in community college (and he doesnt even go to class half the time) and im taking 5 classes at a private university trying to maintain my 3.9 gpa so of course im not gonna have as much time as him to "have fun". i think this makes him look even more immature because instead of tkaing repsonsibilty for his thoughts of exploring sexually, hes trying to put the problem back on me like WTF?! thoughts? am i overreacting?

 

I dunno--are you over-reacting? You seem to keep wanting a different result from a guy who is a one-trick pony.

 

If he feels as if he's in a relationship with "mom", then somewhere along the line, the dynamic in your relationship got turned into a parent/child dynamic. You making him clean up or study is you becoming his mom instead of letting him find out the consequences of his actions. Stop trying to re-rear a grown man--he's not your renovation project. Why is the slacker even living with you?

 

i was living with my best friends and he practically got them to kick me out so that i would move in with him

.

 

Oh yeah--because you let him talk you out of your living arrangement and burn your bridges with your friends in exchange for playing house with him. STOP CLEANING UP BEHIND HIM IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT. If it gets to the point where you can't stand the mess, move out, but stop being mom to him. He's already got one... and no sane man wants to have sex with "mom".

 

At this stage in your life, you don't need a 21 yr old teenager who doesn't want the responsibility of adulthood placed upon him. He wants to be reckless in many areas of his life. You wanting him to morph into someone he has no interest or intention on being is counterproductive and wasteful in the extreme.

 

Accept who he is as he is or reject him, move out and get on with your life. You don't get gold stars for cleaning up a bum's house.

[VeveCakes]

No offence but your bf is a loser. You seem to be the opposite. Time for you to spread your wings without him draggin you down.

[Buddhist]

update: so my boyfriend had the nerve to tell me this morning that its not really that he wants to explore sexually. he says the real issue is that i grew up too fast and am too boring. that i am the adult in the relationship and that i need to become more immature so that we can have more fun together. he says that sometimes he feels like im his mom and that i act like im 30 (im only 19). he admitted that he needs to grow up a little but that its mostly me acting too old. this annoys the hell out of me because he sits around playing video games all day of course im gonna ask him to help clean our place or study or something. it kills me because hes taking one class in community college (and he doesnt even go to class half the time) and im taking 5 classes at a private university trying to maintain my 3.9 gpa so of course im not gonna have as much time as him to "have fun". i think this makes him look even more immature because instead of tkaing repsonsibilty for his thoughts of exploring sexually, hes trying to put the problem back on me like WTF?! thoughts? am i overreacting?

 

Well now you know his true colours I'm sure you also know what to do. This is a child who needs to get his arse kicked by life a bit. If you want to keep your gpa then you need to get rid of him. He will only drag you down and keep putting the blame on you. Move out, get your life sorted again and forget him.

[rester]

... considering ive invested so much emotionally, financially, etc. (even lost best friends), im having a lot of trouble with the thought of breaking up with him. ...

 

If it will help make your decision easier, the above is an example of loss aversion/sunk cost.

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sunk_costs#Loss_aversion_and_the_sunk_cost_fallacy

https://youarenotsosmart.com/2011/03/25/the-sunk-cost-fallacy/

 

 

update: so my boyfriend had the nerve to tell me this morning that its not really that he wants to explore sexually. he says the real issue is that i grew up too fast and am too boring. that i am the adult in the relationship and that i need to become more immature so that we can have more fun together. he says that sometimes he feels like im his mom and that i act like im 30 (im only 19). he admitted that he needs to grow up a little but that its mostly me acting too old. this annoys the hell out of me because he sits around playing video games all day of course im gonna ask him to help clean our place or study or something. it kills me because hes taking one class in community college (and he doesnt even go to class half the time) and im taking 5 classes at a private university trying to maintain my 3.9 gpa so of course im not gonna have as much time as him to "have fun". i think this makes him look even more immature because instead of tkaing repsonsibilty for his thoughts of exploring sexually, hes trying to put the problem back on me like WTF?! thoughts? am i overreacting?

 

I'm sorry to say but I don't think there is hope for this relationship. It's almost as if he is treating you worse and worse because he wants to break up but he doesn't have the balls to do it, so he figures he'll keep pushing until you do it.