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Not attracted after first or second date: Would you rather be ghosted or told?

Nightwriter

By Nightwriter
in General Relationship Discussion

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Nightwriter Member

Nightwriter

Posted
Posted

It's happened before. I go out with a woman I met online or through a friend, we have good rapport, but then I find out I'm not attracted to her when we go out in person. And then comes the awkward conversation of having to tell her I don't think we're a good match. If she didn't expect it, I can tell she's hurt by her change in attitude. And it knocks her confidence down. No one likes rejection. But I'm a person who never wants to ghost or fade if I'm not feeling the attraction. I'd rather end it clean. But maybe some people would rather not hear anything and just assume no callback means no continuation.

 

So what would you rather have done if the other party wasn't interested after one or two dates? Never hear from them again or be told it's not a match? And if you want to know, would you rather hear it at the end of the date or a day later via a text or phone call?

 

One tip I do have for people who met someone online or through a friend is meet up as soon as you can. Don't text and chat for ages and then find out weeks later you aren't attracted to the person. It makes the separation more disappointing if you've invested a lot already.

 

And I'm only considering in this question, after one or two dates. Never ghost or fade on someone you've dated for a while. You're confusing them and you show you can't deal with adversity. One exception is maybe if you believe they can't take rejection and might harm you.

kendahke Established Member

kendahke

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I think a text stating thanks but no thanks is fine. 2 dates isn't a huge investment. Disappointing, but everyone is entitled to their preferences.

 

I completely agree with the meeting as soon as possible. One falls in love with what one's mind constructs about the other, not them and who they are necessarily. Meeting them puts a stop to that.

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Gr8fuln2020 Established Member

Gr8fuln2020

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Yeah. A simple text at least.

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Nightwriter Member

Nightwriter

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I agree with the above posters. The thing is it seems like ghosting is quite pervasive as we can see from all the confused threads here and elsewhere. I don't know if it's a newer phenomenon in our modern times or has been around forever but it happens a lot. Do we have a more passive and confrontation adverse society these days, unwilling to deal with anything negative?

 

So maybe a lot of people are okay being ghosted if they so willingly ghost others. They'd rather not take rejection. As a guy I've had my share of rejections and can move on pretty easily if things just started, a date or two. Having a thick skin without being a pessimist is a good skill to acquire actually.

persephone28 Member

persephone28

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Definitely better to tell the person, not leave them hanging and wondering. It can be done in a nice way.

 

Think there's just so many people in the world now and it's easy to fade away. Back in the olden days ghosting wouldn't have been possible due to living in smaller communities. Also agree it's the whole living in a throw away society, etc etc. It's all about quantity not quality. It's sad actually.

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Satu Established Member

Satu

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I'd rather be told.

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BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

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I'd rather be told. Not all the details, just a "It was really nice meeting you, but I don't think this will work. I wish you all the best."

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True Gent Established Member

True Gent

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Personally I hate people ghosting on me. It's much better to know where you stand and be told.

 

I always tell them thanks, but I don't feel like there is anything there.

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Justanaverageguy Established Member

Justanaverageguy

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I prefer a middle ground personally. No need to be rude and completely ignore and ghost someone. Also no need to come out and be overly direct and abrupt about not being interested after only a couple of dates. They might still be weighing up whether they are interested in you as well.

 

If a someone is not interested - they can subtly let the other person know this without having to have a direct conversation about it. Then if the hint is not taken you can have the polite thanks but I don't think we have a connection conversation.

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BlueIris Established Member

BlueIris

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I tell people they’re terrific but that I just don’t think we’re a long term match. I see zero value in doing anything that would hurt someone’s feelings.

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thefooloftheyear Established Member

thefooloftheyear

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I know people don't like it, but I would think ghosting or just being totally honest, is probably the best move....

 

I mean, do people really like being told...."hey you are awesome, but not awesome enough"??? Its just BS and patronizing...

 

I think silence speaks louder than words ....But everyone has their own feelings about it, so that's up to the individual..

 

.02

 

TFY

BlueIris Established Member

BlueIris

Posted
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I know people don't like it, but I would think ghosting or just being totally honest, is probably the best move....

 

I mean, do people really like being told...."hey you are awesome, but not awesome enough"??? Its just BS and patronizing...

 

I think silence speaks louder than words ....But everyone has their own feelings about it, so that's up to the individual..

 

.02

 

TFY

 

Not at all. I have dated men that are terrific people but we don't match usually in lifestyle or goals, as I'm sure that there are men who have dated me and reached the same decision. There are many factors in choosing a mate so it isn't a single scale of awesomeness.

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hippychick3 Established Member

hippychick3

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I, personally, would rather be ghosted after just 1 or 2 dates. I'm not invested at all after just a date or 2 (back in my dating days). I just don't need to hear straight out that the guy is not attracted to me or that interested in me.

Edited by hippychick3
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TheTraveler Established Member

TheTraveler

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I, personally, would rather be ghosted after just 1 or 2 dates. I'm not invested at all after just a date or 2 (back in my dating days). I just don't need to hear straight out that the guy is not attracted to me or that interested in me.

 

What if you had sex after 1 or two dates?

hippychick3 Established Member

hippychick3

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What if you had sex after 1 or two dates?

 

Well, I never have so can't answer that.

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Nightwriter Member

Nightwriter

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I tell people they’re terrific but that I just don’t think we’re a long term match. I see zero value in doing anything that would hurt someone’s feelings.

Even if you say it in the nicest way possible, there will be some feeling of rejection. That's unavoidable by the nature of the intent. Of course you don't need to tell a person they hit every branch on the ugly tree and landed in the smelly pit.

preraph Established Member

preraph

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I'd rather be told, I just don't think we're right for each other, so I'm going to move on. No specifics.

Shining One Established Member

Shining One

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I prefer to be told. I like to spend as little time as possible wondering about someone who isn't interested in me. In OLD, I much prefer the women who click the "not interested" button on my messages over the women who just don't respond.

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