So hard to let go

[Ellie21]

My ex boyfriend is 29, I am 24. We were together about 2 years. We had a very deep, happy relationship for the most part. Our major obstacle was that he would break up with me whenever we got in a major fight. There was no communication. Just a major blow up, followed by a "get out!" Come back apologizing the next day.

 

I knew this wasn't healthy for so long. I always felt like I was bottling stuff up because I didn't want to upset him and him break up with me. However, at times we did seem to be communicating better and the past few disagreements did not result in a split.

 

One of his deal breakers in the relationship was don't get people involved in our disagreements. Well, during the times where he would break it off, I went to a few family members for advice on how to get past this. One of my family members ended up approaching him asking what was up with the roller coaster relationship we seemed to be in, which set him off due to me "getting someone involved." He broke up with me.

 

This happened a few weeks ago. A few days afterwards, he called asking to be friends, so I went to see him, but then he said we weren't capable of being just friends. He sent me a long email a few days later saying to never contact him again. He didn't mean it in a mean way, "just didn't want to be reminded at how close we came to perfection and forever." The email really struck a nerve with me, so I called him, which made him mad but before I knew it his attitude had changed from "don't talk to me" to "wait, i'm still madly in love with you."

 

Then he decided that he wanted to take some time to work through our issues. We were both seeing counselors on our own. I was still open to a chance at getting past the constant break ups and having a more mature relationship.

 

Last weekend he was mad at me for something I felt was really stupid at the time, and I reacted to it very negatively and lashed out saying "I do not want this anymore." Honestly wasn't even sure of what I said at the time, I was just sick of the constant up and downs and had just had it. He started saying "My biggest regret is the day you walked into my life." and "my ex is better than you in every way." And at that point, I just lost it. I told him he couldn't talk like that to me anymore and that he was acting like an a**hole.

 

I woke up the next day feeling awful. Sent him a text apologizing. No response. Sent him another text asking if we could sit down and talk when things calm down. No response. Sent another text the next day letting him know I had found some of his stuff at my place. No response. He had never done that to me before. Anyway, I had a missed call from him yesterday. Called him back. He was very very hostile. "Give me my s*** back." I was caught off guard with his anger and said "what's gotten into you?" He hung up. Called him back. "What was that for?" He said "Give me my stuff back or I'm calling the sheriff's deputy to get it for me." Hung up. All of that over a kitchen pot.

 

I ended up getting a third party to get his stuff back to him. His last message to me yesterday was "I cannot wait to find someone who actually wants all I have to offer and doesn't take it all for granted. That person is not you. You made your choice, now leave me alone please."

 

I do not understand his deep anger towards me other than I guess this is the first time I walked away from him. I got so used to him doing all the breaking up and it took me a few days to realize that this time I technically ended it. But I still don't understand his behavior. And despite knowing that this roller coaster relationship is extremely unhealthy, there's a huge part of me who misses him, regrets everything and wants to reconcile. He's been so up and down the past few weeks that I really just feel lost. But he has asked me to leave him alone, and I have to respect that. I just have no idea where to go from here.

[Purplexsparklesxx]

My ex boyfriend is 29, I am 24. We were together about 2 years. We had a very deep, happy relationship for the most part. Our major obstacle was that he would break up with me whenever we got in a major fight. There was no communication. Just a major blow up, followed by a "get out!" Come back apologizing the next day.

 

I knew this wasn't healthy for so long. I always felt like I was bottling stuff up because I didn't want to upset him and him break up with me. However, at times we did seem to be communicating better and the past few disagreements did not result in a split.

 

One of his deal breakers in the relationship was don't get people involved in our disagreements. Well, during the times where he would break it off, I went to a few family members for advice on how to get past this. One of my family members ended up approaching him asking what was up with the roller coaster relationship we seemed to be in, which set him off due to me "getting someone involved." He broke up with me.

 

This happened a few weeks ago. A few days afterwards, he called asking to be friends, so I went to see him, but then he said we weren't capable of being just friends. He sent me a long email a few days later saying to never contact him again. He didn't mean it in a mean way, "just didn't want to be reminded at how close we came to perfection and forever." The email really struck a nerve with me, so I called him, which made him mad but before I knew it his attitude had changed from "don't talk to me" to "wait, i'm still madly in love with you."

 

Then he decided that he wanted to take some time to work through our issues. We were both seeing counselors on our own. I was still open to a chance at getting past the constant break ups and having a more mature relationship.

 

Last weekend he was mad at me for something I felt was really stupid at the time, and I reacted to it very negatively and lashed out saying "I do not want this anymore." Honestly wasn't even sure of what I said at the time, I was just sick of the constant up and downs and had just had it. He started saying "My biggest regret is the day you walked into my life." and "my ex is better than you in every way." And at that point, I just lost it. I told him he couldn't talk like that to me anymore and that he was acting like an a**hole.

 

I woke up the next day feeling awful. Sent him a text apologizing. No response. Sent him another text asking if we could sit down and talk when things calm down. No response. Sent another text the next day letting him know I had found some of his stuff at my place. No response. He had never done that to me before. Anyway, I had a missed call from him yesterday. Called him back. He was very very hostile. "Give me my s*** back." I was caught off guard with his anger and said "what's gotten into you?" He hung up. Called him back. "What was that for?" He said "Give me my stuff back or I'm calling the sheriff's deputy to get it for me." Hung up. All of that over a kitchen pot.

 

I ended up getting a third party to get his stuff back to him. His last message to me yesterday was "I cannot wait to find someone who actually wants all I have to offer and doesn't take it all for granted. That person is not you. You made your choice, now leave me alone please."

 

I do not understand his deep anger towards me other than I guess this is the first time I walked away from him. I got so used to him doing all the breaking up and it took me a few days to realize that this time I technically ended it. But I still don't understand his behavior. And despite knowing that this roller coaster relationship is extremely unhealthy, there's a huge part of me who misses him, regrets everything and wants to reconcile. He's been so up and down the past few weeks that I really just feel lost. But he has asked me to leave him alone, and I have to respect that. I just have no idea where to go from here.

 

Wow, honestly I would just try your best to move on, I know that's much easier said than done but I'm in the same position you are right now and I know it completely sucks!!! But each day will get better! I know you miss him and your heart probably feels broken right now but this really is for the best that's a very unhealthy relationship

 

He seems like he's real immature honestly for a 29year old!? You deserve a healthy lasting relationship! A relationship that communicates properly when getting into arguments, not a breakup each time!? That IS an on-off rollercoaster ride, I've been there and it's so exhausting!!! So much stress and anxiety!

 

I know you don't see it now but I'd be glad he's gone, you deserve something way healthier than that!

[slowloris44]

Hey Ellie , honestly I can totally relate to how you're feeling with the regrets and stuff but it seems to me that this is not healthy at all. Just like my relationship wasn't healthy too . My last relationship was off and on too . I broke up with my ex once over something petty crawled back and then he broke up with me and then he came back again and then he left again . It's hard , its emotional and it's stressful . Also my exs family got involved and told him that they were happy that I was gone which broke my heart too . My ex was emotional , immature , attention seeking , self harming and not willing to work on the relationship . Your ex is unhealthy as well for being so immature . Everyone makes mistakes but it's how you forgive each other and MAKE HEALTHY IMPROVEMENTS together as a couple and it cannot be done with someone who is so fleeting like him . You've put up with enough ! You guys aren't good matches. Go NC , work hard I. School / work what have you , try to eat , sleep and take care of yourself ! It's hard but you will survive ! Might I suggest listening to the song "I will survive " hope this helps . And don't be so hard on yourself too.

[Ellie21]

I think what is holding me back is the constant obsessive thought of what the heck happened. He has broken up with me more times than I can count and ALWAYS came back a day or two later, apologetic, eager to patch things up. It's been a week now. The anger in his voice when he called asking for his stuff really took me by surprise. He always HATED breaking up in the heat of the moment. Yes, he'd do it, but the next day text saying "hate walking away so heated like that, can we talk?" Then we'd talk, and he'd grab my hand and say "I still love you." Everytime.

 

And now nothing but anger. I think i'm just trying to find my closure because I'm clearly never going to get it with him.

[slowloris44]

I think sometimes we don't get the closure we want and that's okay . I'm sure you do have lots of questions but begging , asking and trying to reach out will only make you look more available for him to continue his behavior . Really think about that .. how much respect do you have for yourself ? You shouldn't want to be kicked around by this person . You are worthy of much better treatment . Let him go and don't contact him. He's obviously unaware of what he wants and has a lot of growing up to do . You make closure for yourself by moving forward and being a strong independent woman.

Edited November 5, 2016 by slowloris44

[Ellie21]

I posted about a week ago in the break ups section about my ex boyfriend. I'm not even really sure at this point who broke up with who, but for a few days after the break up, I texted asking for closure, mainly very specific questions about what happened to get us to this spot. He ignored every attempt. Even ignored a text about giving him his stuff back, which he called a week later angry saying give him his stuff now or he'd call the cops. Apparently he was very, very angry with me.

 

Anyway, it's 2 weeks later and I guess he has calmed down. He texted me a picture of a quote complimenting me and said he never had a chance to send that one to me. Keep it. He continued complimenting me, then texted again saying "damnit this is why I want no contact. I can't help it with you." I told him that was fine and I'd quit contacting him, to which he replied "call me when you can."

 

So I called. We talked for about an hour. Small talk, found out he's been moping around not doing anything with his day for 3 weeks straight, not watching any of our shows because he "lost his show buddy" and how he wishes we weren't in this mess because "I'd really rather have you sitting here on the couch with me. I miss you." I finally asked what he wanted, and he said "no contact." I said "Ok, that is fine." Then changed his mind and said "If you're up for it, do you think we could meet in person and just lay everything out there? I know you had a lot of questions for me."

 

The conversation left me confused because he kept saying "I want no contact" then would invite me to sit down and talk. I'm not sure what his intentions are at this point, if this is an attempt to reconcile, a true closure conversation, or what. I'm not even sure he really knows what he wants at this point.

 

I agreed to meet, which probably goes against every NC rule out there, but he said some really terrible things to me along the way, and I have some things I want to get off my chest. I'm feeling pretty good about the breakup. I still love and miss him but feel like he's very emotionally immature, and we are simply in 2 different spots in life.

 

Has anyone ever sat down with their ex for "closure" and if so, how'd it go? My ex has a history of wanting to talk after a fight/"breakup" but usually just uses it as a way to get me back. He'd usually give me a hug, start talking, realize what he's losing and ask for another chance. I'm almost expecting that again, but ready to stand my ground.

[George9]

After several weeks of nc, I did a closure with my gf. It did not change anything.

 

She still didn't dare to tell me what is her mind but still wanted to hang out like regular friends.

 

Of course I was still in love with her, but my answer was a big NO.

Edited November 14, 2016 by George9

[Blastoplast]

I had a closure talk with my recent EX, it's been over 2 months now since then and we haven't talked/texted or seen each other since. She basically told me she feels there's maybe somebody better out there for her and me, which I thought was a big line of BS. The weirdest thing about my closure was how loving she was to me the night before (not out of the ordinary), but telling me how much she loved me etc. etc.

 

Anyways, for me hearing that, after telling her she's the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with... I felt better. I didn't leave any cards on the table and walked away knowing I did everything I could in the relationship. Looking back at it now, I realize I have no fault in the break-up, and this is unequivocally her mistake and loss. 100%.

 

My experience may differ from other people's, but I think closure is important. I still miss her and think about her, sometimes even wishing I could just talk to her because our companionship was so wonderful, but having no regrets REALLY helped me move on much faster than any previous relationship.

 

Best of luck to you

[DarrenB]

I had a closure talk with my recent EX, it's been over 2 months now since then and we haven't talked/texted or seen each other since. She basically told me she feels there's maybe somebody better out there for her and me, which I thought was a big line of BS. The weirdest thing about my closure was how loving she was to me the night before (not out of the ordinary), but telling me how much she loved me etc. etc.

 

Anyways, for me hearing that, after telling her she's the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with... I felt better. I didn't leave any cards on the table and walked away knowing I did everything I could in the relationship. Looking back at it now, I realize I have no fault in the break-up, and this is unequivocally her mistake and loss. 100%.

 

My experience may differ from other people's, but I think closure is important. I still miss her and think about her, sometimes even wishing I could just talk to her because our companionship was so wonderful, but having no regrets REALLY helped me move on much faster than any previous relationship.

 

Best of luck to you

 

I couldn't agree more with that

[Ellie21]

I had a closure talk with my recent EX, it's been over 2 months now since then and we haven't talked/texted or seen each other since. She basically told me she feels there's maybe somebody better out there for her and me, which I thought was a big line of BS. The weirdest thing about my closure was how loving she was to me the night before (not out of the ordinary), but telling me how much she loved me etc. etc.

 

Anyways, for me hearing that, after telling her she's the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with... I felt better. I didn't leave any cards on the table and walked away knowing I did everything I could in the relationship. Looking back at it now, I realize I have no fault in the break-up, and this is unequivocally her mistake and loss. 100%.

 

My experience may differ from other people's, but I think closure is important. I still miss her and think about her, sometimes even wishing I could just talk to her because our companionship was so wonderful, but having no regrets REALLY helped me move on much faster than any previous relationship.

 

Best of luck to you

 

I think that is why I'm actually really on board with having a talk. I feel like I have done everything I could possibly do to show him how I feel about him, and I think hearing what he has to say will truly help me move on. I worried a little about if i'll get any false hope or make it harder on myself, but I think I will be ok.

[Downtown]

Ellie, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational anger, controlling behavior, easily triggered temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, black-white thinking, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your exBF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that he may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it or another PD.

 

I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your exBF exhibits BPD traits. Of course he does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether he exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met him, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot -- especially after you've been dating for two years -- because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, and rapid event-triggered mood flips.

 

I feel like he's very emotionally immature.

If your exBF really is a BPDer (i.e., has strong and persistent BPD traits), we are not talking about the level of immaturity seen in a young teen. Rather, he likely exhibits the emotional development of a four year old. This is why a BPDer is unable to regulate his own emotions and is fully dependent on the primitive ego defenses available to young children -- e.g., projection, denial, black-white thinking, temper tantrums, and magical thinking.

 

His attitude had changed from "don't talk to me" to "wait, i'm still madly in love with you."

These rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) is a behavior that arises from "black-white thinking." If your , he is too immature to be able to handle strong mixed feelings, ambiguities, uncertainties, and other gray areas of interpersonal relationships. Hence, like a young child, he will categorize everyone close to him as "all good" (i.e., "white" or "with me") or "all bad" (i.e., "black" or "against me"). And he will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just ten seconds -- based solely on a minor comment or action.

 

He started saying "My biggest regret is the day you walked into my life." and "my ex is better than you in every way."

Black-white thinking usually is evident in the frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions such as "You NEVER..." and "You ALWAYS...." It also is evident in your exBF's claim that you are the "BIGGEST REGRET" of his entire life and that his ex is superior to you in "EVERY WAY."

 

He said "Give me my stuff back or I'm calling the sheriff's deputy to get it for me." Hung up. All of that over a kitchen pot.

This is another example of black-white thinking, wherein a simple transgression (having his kitchen pot) causes him to react by perceiving you as Hitler incarnate.

 

I always felt like I was bottling stuff up because I didn't want to upset him and him break up with me.

If he is a BPDer, the slightest infraction (real or simply imagined) can result in you being reclassified from "all good" to "all bad." The result is that you will oftentimes feel like you're walking on eggshells around him to avoid triggering his anger. This is why the #1 best-selling BPD book (targeted to the abused partners) is called Stop Walking on Eggshells.

 

He would break up with me whenever we got in a major fight.... Come back apologizing the next day.... he kept saying "I want no contact" then would invite me to sit down and talk.

That push/pull cycle you are describing is a behavior that BPDers are notorious for. Because a BPDer has a fragile unstable self image, he absolutely HATES to be living alone. He sorely needs to be around a woman with a strong personality who will provide the missing self identity.

 

Yet, when you give a BPDer exactly that -- i.e., the identity he sorely needs -- he will quickly start resenting you for "controlling" him (which is how he perceives it). The result is that a BPDer will frequently start fights -- over absolutely nothing -- to push you away and then will later start love bombing to pull you back. This is why the #2 best-selling BPD book is titled, I Hate You, Don't Leave Me!

There's a huge part of me who misses him, regrets everything and wants to reconcile.

BPDers exhibit an emotional intensity, immaturity, and purity of expression that otherwise is seen only in young children. This means that, like young children, they are very easy to fall in love with and very hard to walk away from. Indeed, walking away from a BPDer can feel like you're abandoning a sick child who desperately needs you. The result is that it is common for the abused partners of BPDers to attempt to leave many times.

 

I was still open to a chance at getting past the constant break ups.

As I noted above, the abused partners of BPDers usually try to leave many times before walking away permanently. BPDer relationships therefore are notorious for having multiple breakups. A BPDfamily survey of about 460 such relationships found that nearly a fourth of them (23%) -- like your relationship -- went through 10 or more complete breakup/makeup cycles BEFORE finally ending for good. About 40% of the BPDer relationships experienced at least six breakup/makeup cycles before ending. And 73% had three or more breakup/makeup cycles before finally ending. See "Results" at BPDfamily Breakup/Makeup Poll.

 

I do not understand his deep anger towards me other than I guess this is the first time I walked away from him.

A BPDer's greatest fear is abandonment. His other great fear is engulfment, i.e., a suffocating feeling he gets during intimacy.

 

Has anyone ever sat down with their ex for "closure" and if so, how'd it go?

If he is an untreated BPDer, it likely will be impossible for you to acquire any lasting sense of closure from him. The reason is that his perception of you is an "all good" or "all bad" view that fully depends on how he is feeling AT THIS VERY MOMENT. As soon as his feelings change, his perception of you can change radically in less than a minute. It may take three hours or three months for it to occur, but that change almost certainly WILL occur. This is how emotionally unstable people behave.

 

I just have no idea where to go from here.

Given your ambivalence about taking him back when he eventually returns, I suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you're dealing with. I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psych, you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your exBF's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for breast cancer and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a painful situation, e.g., taking your exBF back or running into the arms of another man just like him. Take care, Ellie.

[Ellie21]

Downtown, Thank you so much for your reply! I began seeing a counselor as soon as we broke up, and he mentioned narcissism right off the bat. He never mentioned BPD, but it does sound very spot on. After doing a little research, it does sound like the 2 conditions could go hand in hand for some people.

 

What strikes me the most is the emotionally immaturity of a child. While I'm 5 years YOUNGER than him, I feel like i'm the one trying to be rational and calm while he just goes into a rage.

 

I remember him telling me about some horoscope link one of his friends had posted on Facebook a while back. His month said his greatest fear was losing people, and he said it was so spot on to his life, so now the fear of abandonment makes so much sense.

 

One of the things my counselor pointed out was that he blames me for everything. I am constantly apologizing for something I did or didn't do that "made him" react a certain way.

 

My ex's response when I asked him what would cause him to say the awful things he's said to me, "well, it was more to try to convince myself that I didn't want to be with you, but the truth is I still love and care about you. I just say those things to try to talk myself into not caring." He didn't understand when I told him you don't talk like that to someone you claim to "love."

 

Edit: I just read the 18 warning signs, and he has all 18. A little scary. He has always said i'm his "rock," and got very, very upset when he needed me and I didn't quite give him what he needed me for.

Edited November 15, 2016 by Ellie21

[Downtown]

I began seeing a counselor as soon as we broke up, and he mentioned narcissism right off the bat. He never mentioned BPD, but it does sound very spot on. After doing a little research, it does sound like the 2 conditions could go hand in hand for some people.

Ellie, although the BPD traits are called "a disorder," they do not describe traits of the disorder itself because no scientist has yet proven what it is. Instead, these traits simply describe the pattern of behaviors arising when a person has that (undefined) underlying disorder.

 

It therefore is not surprising that the vast majority of folks having one PD also suffer from one or two others as well. Importantly, this does not imply that they suffer from several underlying disorders but, rather, that they exhibit several different patterns of dysfunctional behaviors -- all of which may arise from the same underlying (undefined) causes. In this regard, a recent study of nearly 35,000 American adults found that 47% of males exhibiting full-blown BPD also exhibit full-blown NPD (narcissism).

 

Keep in mind, however, that full-blown narcissists are incapable of loving. BPDers, on the other hand, are capable of loving very intensely, albeit in the immature way that a young child is able to love (i.e., where the person can flip in seconds between loving and hating the partner). Significantly, you seem to be saying that your exBF was capable of loving you but was unable to consistently be in touch with those feelings.

 

Another difference is that, whereas narcissists tend to be very stable individuals, BPDers are emotionally unstable -- as you seem to be describing. Your exBF's threat of calling a sheriff to recover a pot, for example, sounds like the intense mood swing -- and like the black-white thinking -- that characterizes BPD, not NPD.

 

A third difference is that, whereas BPDers know that their false self image is false, narcissists are so completely out of touch with their true selves that they really do believe that their false self image is true. The result is that, whereas BPDers seek to validate their false self image of being "The Victim," NPDers seek to validate their false self image of being the nearly perfect human being. I mention this because you seem to be describing a man who believes he is a victim, not a nearly perfect man (e.g., you describe no instances of him being very grandiose that I can recall).

 

One of the things my counselor pointed out was that he blames me for everything. I am constantly apologizing for something I did or didn't do that "made him" react a certain way.

Whereas narcissists seek frequent validation of their grandiose false self image of being nearly perfect, BPDers seek validation of being "The Victim," always "The Victim." During the courtship period, a BPDer will receive that validation from his view of you as the rescuer who has arrived to save him from unhappiness. Because you are "The Rescuer," the implication is that he must be "The Victim" you are so intent on rescuing.

 

Following the courtship period -- when his infatuation no longer holds his two fears at bay -- a BPDer will start perceiving of you as "The Perpetrator,"

i.e., the cause of his every misfortune. Regardless of whether you are "The Rescuer" (his perception when splitting you white) or "The Perpetrator" (his perception when splitting you black), you are satisfying his deep need for validation of being "The Victim."

[Ellie21]

He just sees himself as being special. He looks down on a lot of people and is overly critical. He's an awful team player. He's a huge gamer but comes unglued at people who don't play the way he wants them to play. We'll go fishing and I never set the hook right so I lose a lot of fish and it makes him incredibly frustrated with me. He has very low self esteem. He denied every compliment I ever gave him.

 

I do think he is capable of loving, it's just conditional love, so whenever I "act out" he stops loving me but any other day feels very intense love towards me.

 

It's hard to understand mainly because I don't think the way he does so I have a hard time understanding where he's coming from. Can people with BPD have any kind of healthy relationship or am I better off getting out before it gets worse?

[Downtown]

It's hard to understand mainly because I don't think the way he does.

Sure you do -- you just don't do it as often as he does. You thought like a BPDer 24/7 during childhood and you likely started thinking that way again for several years when the hormones surged in your early teens. Indeed, the most common cause of BPD behavior (albeit, temporary BPD behavior) is a strong hormone change -- e.g., puberty, pregnancy, postpartum, or perimenopause. Some women even exhibit strong BPD behavior a few days every month because they suffer severe PMS.

 

The human condition is that, to promote survival, our intellectual judgment flies out the window when our emotions are very strong. Our brains are hardwired to instantly revert to black-white thinking whenever we experience intense feelings. This is why, when you are in a crosswalk and suddenly look up to see a truck bearing down on you, your mind is capable of thinking only "jump left" or "jump right."

 

While that black-white thinking is rapid and works wonders when you are threatened with a truck or tiger, it undermines your ability to sustain and nurture close personal relationships. Whenever you experience intense feelings -- e.g., strong anger or infatuation -- your perception of other peoples' intentions and motivations becomes distorted and colored. Of course, you realized this at an early age. So, by the time you entered high school, you already knew to try to keep your mouth shut when very angry. You tried to stop speaking and stop texting until you had time to cool down.

 

Well, BPDers are like this too -- only more so. Like young children, BPDers lack the ability to avoid intense feelings because they don't have the emotional skills needed to regulate their own emotions. The result is that they experience intense feeling far more frequently than you and me. Moreover, whenever their feelings are strong, they stay that way for a much longer time than what we have to deal with. This occurs because BPDers lack the emotional skill of self soothing.

 

Can people with BPD have any kind of healthy relationship or am I better off getting out before it gets worse?

As I noted earlier, we all are "people with BPD." The BPD traits listed in the DSM-5 are primitive ego defenses that we all rely on to some extent, even during adulthood. At issue, then, is whether your exBF's BPD traits are so strong and persistent that he is incapable of sustaining a healthy relationship absent many years of intensive training.

 

Significantly, for the purpose of deciding whether to continue pursuing a young man as a potential mate, it really does not matter whether he meets 100% of the diagnostic criteria for having full-blown BPD. A man exhibiting 70% or 80% (hence, "not having BPD") would be almost as difficult to live with as one exhibiting 100% (thus "having BPD"). Consequently, although you are not qualified to determine whether he meets the 100% threshold, you really do not need to know that.

 

Instead, you only have to determine whether you've been seeing a strong pattern of BPD traits -- a task that should be easily done after dating a man for two years. As I observed earlier, there is nothing subtle about temper tantrums, verbal abuse, lack of impulse control, and always being "The Victim."

 

If you determine that he is exhibiting most BPD traits at low or moderate level, you may be able to achieve a healthy R/S by learning validation techniques and improving communication skills in counseling. However, if you determine that his BPD traits are strong and persistent, I would recommend "getting out." Granted, most major cities offer excellent programs (e.g., DBT and CBT) for treating BPDers. It nonetheless is rare for a BPDer to have sufficient self awareness and ego strength to stay in those programs long enough to make a real difference.