I Ruin Every Chance I Get- And Today I want to End It All!

[BML84]

I just have reached the end of everything.

 

My relationship history is disastrous- I turned down a girl I was in Love with as a teenager and ever since its been one crash after another. I allowed other issues to make my decision and it was a bad one.

 

Two long term relationships I ended- each one I loved but was never 'In Love' with. The seconde one ended because I was in love with a girl at work: who just used me to get her boyfriend back.

 

Last workplace I had a girl attracted to me who I rejected kindly because she was engaged but she made my life a nightmare.

 

But the latest really sums up how terrible much life is - it's left me in despair.

 

A much younger girl made it clear she liked me from day one- exaggerated beside me, staring at me, smiling. But because of what had happened before, and because I was honestly a bit intimidated by how pretty and perky she was I pretty much ignored her. She even used to work late so we were together but somehow we seldom spoke. Frankly, it was up to me to break the ice and I didn't.

You can guess what's coming- I ended up working beside her months laterand got on great with her. Buthe by then she had a boyfriend.

My life was going off the rails at that point and Finding out she was leaving didn't help. I was off a month with depression.

Came back to find she hadn't left- but she had got a flat with her boyfriend.

 

Somehow although it was now easier to talk to her it also became awkward- not as smooth.

 

I made time to talk but I worried if she was twitchy- not the right word but I can't describe it- because of her situation or because she found me creepy. I don't know why I thought that but I couldn't understand why we seemed awkward. Maybe it was me. I only spoke when we met though I did find myself looking at her as she used to at me.

 

I had a crush- I admit it.

 

So I kept a distance.A few days after we almost bumped into one another and the way we looked at each other I can't explain- awkward but..I don't know. She said hello, I said hello, we walked on.

 

So she went off to train others for a month and I never saw her. The office is being rejigged and she definitely is moving now.

 

Now comes the reason I'm writing this- because this is both painful and truthful.

 

As I was leaving I came out the kitchen she had came up(maybe to see if her pal had gotten everything from her desk) and was saying Goodbye to the few left- I'm usually last to leave. As she passed I asked how she enjoyed training.

 

She didn't stop, said 'Fine' and never made eye contact. Said her usual flamboyant goodbye to the last two managers left and that was that.

 

Going downstairs five minutes later she was at another door nearby with her phone, perhaps waiting on her boyfriend.

 

She looked up, saw me, and turned her back to me.

 

That hurt more than you think.

 

Because at that moment I realised I had become that Creepy Middle Aged Guy- somehow everything had went wrong and I was to blame.

I walked past- I would never do anything to unnerve her or make her uncomfortable but she had said all she had to without a word.

 

I have now truly realised how sad I am. Whether she dislikes me as weak for not responding at the start or creepy for trying to remain friendly it says it all about me.

 

Pathetic, sad, creepy and unlikeable. Yet they seem to really like me at work. Managers, staff, canteen, cleaners.

Maybe I'm deluded and it's simply pity for the Oddball.

 

I have considered suicide now for some months.

 

Now I know I have to- I have to leave with some dignity and control.

 

I won't be that sad old man at the bar.

 

I have to leave with something.

[Buddhist]

Believe it or not everyone's love lives are disasterous, yes even by middle age. Most of us who are unmarried are so because things didn't work out multiple times. Often we made the same mistake over and over. Those of us who are married are wondering why the hell we made the choices we did. It isn't the nature of relationships for things to go well. Relationships actually make everything that's already wrong inside us suddenly visible. We can really only see ourselves properly through the eyes of another.

 

My guess about your coworker is that she's awkward with you because she's attracted to you, didn't get what she wanted and has settled with someone else. It's hard for her to be around someone she's still attracted to while attached to someone else. It wasn't a slight to you, she's trying to cope with her own feelings of awkwardness. That's all it is.

 

All of us are odd in our own ways. I've been odd my entire life, other people have actually called me 'odd' behind my back. I've just never fit in and have come to realise that not fitting in (although I have my fans periodically) is actually my job in the world. Someone's got to do it. I guess it's me. If you are odd it's because you have something to offer that no-one else does. You weren't meant to be a cog in the machine living an unconscious life, going through the motions. You were marked for something more than that. It's hard to see in the depths of despair but you will find out what that is and then you will be glad you stuck around for it.

 

Try not to do anything drastic. There is nothing dignified about what you are proposing. Dignity comes with embracing what you are and living it. Be dignified, stick around. I'm know I'm a stranger but I've been where you are and decided to stay. I'm glad I made that choice, you will be too. Keep talking to us, we're listening and have entertaining things to say.

[Springsummer]

I ruined every chances I have had too. even worse, before they began and some of the guys were very handsome too.

 

I ruined everything because I was stupid, shy, timid, afraid, scare, naive etc.. even the most handsome boy in high-school liked me, I think, but I was clueless and for the record, I was not into him. now I am into someone as I am getting much older, but he does not even remember me, etc... It was/is very embarrassing, humiliating and torturing for me.

 

Still I do not want to end myself, even I have every reason too, seems I am a failure in every area of my life. maybe because I think life is sacred? somehow there is something special about myself? heck, I mostly self taught myself to be a very good swimmer, snowboarder and skier. I can't just end it like that, right? I am talented in some areas, I think. even though I don't know how life works with the opposite sex and even career wise. They don't worth my life, right? or do they? no, I don't think they do. I have the same thoughts many many times, but still...maybe my hobbit and sense of divinity in existence save me? so I hang on and on...

[Timshel]

>>>>>>>>Lifeline>>>>>>>>>>

[Gloria25]

Don't feel so down ***hugs***

 

Coming from a woman who at my age, is still as socially awkward as a goofy teenager (when it comes to a guy I'm into), breathe...breathe....

 

Don't give up. Work hard to overcome they shyness. Hopefully one day you'll be able to meet up with the right person at the right time

 

Geesh, I was having some trouble myself today. I was like, dudes might think I'm the oddest ball ever

[Springsummer]

I am having a very bad day too...still recovering from it.

 

I prepared 2 days for the conference interviewing. Turned out 3-4 people took turns to ask me very detailed technical questions. I knew those things, but I couldn't recall very well. some I just flat out forgotten even I just studied it yesterday.

 

I know I could do the job, but my memory just don't serve me very well.

 

the recruiter told me I am the only one who has the skill and applied...still with crappy answers I give...doesn't feel I am going to get hired.

 

I wanna kill myself too...I keep forgetting things.

[TheTraveler]

Stop getting fixated on women in the workplace.

[Springsummer]

OP...how are you doing? you caused us concern.

 

I also find Joel Osteen tremendously helpful. I am atheist. but still on Sunday if I am having a meal or work out in the gym, there is his broadcast and he made me glued to the tv. His preaching just seemed address the exact issue I was having and that made me think he is my god-sent. He almost makes me want to believe in God.

 

you can search the web for his broadcast. I highly recommend him. I think you will find him VERY helpful.

 

I think you are a decent person, there is no need to let little adversaries in life get the best of you.