KM32 Posted November 4, 2016 Posted November 4, 2016 I've been dating a wonderful young woman for about a year. It's a long distance relationship, and we've spent about 12 weeks of that time together, while I've been preparing for a long distance move. There's just one problem, and I feel that it's turned into a deal killer. She's got 6 y.o. son, and I just can't warm up to him. It's fair to say I don't like him. I don't hate kids at all. I want to have a couple of kids of my own. I really like my nieces and nephews. In fact, I like her nieces and nephews. Just not this kid. He's whiny, difficult, doesn't listen to his mother, spouts of rude things, and is just constantly snotty. His mother tries, but it has been a struggle for her. I've already been moving into a sort of paternal figure with him (his father lives in a different country), but I'm pretty sure that moving to the next step with my girlfriend in forming a family with them is not right all because of this kid. I don't want to be his parent, and I don't think it's right or fair for my girlfriend or this kid if I go into it resenting him. I don't want to be one of those cold, distant stepfathers. So now I'm dreading having the breakup talk. I want to be honest, but is this a case where I should lie and blame it on the long distance thing and my reluctance to make the big move? I mean, what kind of guy says, "You know, I love you, I just don't like your kid?" Or worse, she goes through a really bad period of depression after the breakup and resents her own child some. That doesn't seem like it would be good. So lie or not? How do I make this as painless as possible? 1
Sunnymae Posted November 4, 2016 Posted November 4, 2016 Just tell her your feelings have changed, and you need some time to think about the relationship. I wouldn't tell her it's about the kid, like you said she might start to resent him. Where is his paternal father? Do they have shrared custody? Maybe you can see her when he's with his dad. That way you can enjoy your time together. Just don't lead her on. Do let her know that you don't forsee a long term relationship in the horizon, so if she's looking to get married she may want to breakup with you.
Author KM32 Posted November 4, 2016 Author Posted November 4, 2016 Just tell her your feelings have changed, and you need some time to think about the relationship. I wouldn't tell her it's about the kid, like you said she might start to resent him. Where is his paternal father? Do they have shrared custody? Maybe you can see her when he's with his dad. That way you can enjoy your time together. Just don't lead her on. Do let her know that you don't forsee a long term relationship in the horizon, so if she's looking to get married she may want to breakup with you. The father is living in a different country. He only sees his kid about twice a year, so she's pretty much on her own with him. The "thinking about the relationship" line just seems like it would drag things out. I could do that, but we're already handling the long distance relationship angle. She wants to start thinking about marriage and kids of our own. Under other circumstances, I'd be willing to do so. It's easier for a guy, I think. We're in our mid-thirties. I could still start a family with someone ten years from now. But for a woman, it seems cruel to eat up more of her time at that age when I feel like I need to break up because of the situation with her kid. Maybe he'll grow out of whatever it is (or I will!), but maybe not. Suddenly, she's forty. 2
Kelley Posted November 4, 2016 Posted November 4, 2016 Don't mention the child, use the long distance angle or something to close the door but soften the blow a little. Let her have the chance to meet someone who can accept her child, and potentially have more with in the future. You are doing the right thing by not dragging it out, but do her a favour close the door, don't drop her breadcrumbs let her move on.
Author KM32 Posted November 5, 2016 Author Posted November 5, 2016 Don't mention the child, use the long distance angle or something to close the door but soften the blow a little. Let her have the chance to meet someone who can accept her child, and potentially have more with in the future. You are doing the right thing by not dragging it out, but do her a favour close the door, don't drop her breadcrumbs let her move on. Thank you. That's what I want to do. It's really hard to do with someone you love. Also, I think she's the sort who will beg and plead through her pain, and that's going to break my heart.
Vanguard_50 Posted November 17, 2016 Posted November 17, 2016 I can appreciate your analysis and speculations, but.... I think it is rather egotistical of you to think that she will resent her own child (even in the slightest) because you want to break up with her because you have some "issues" around your feelings with her child. Ultimately you, AND she, are the adults here. The two of you make decisions, and her child will adjust/adapt to whatever those decisions are (staying together or splitting up). If staying together is important enough TO YOU (which it does not sound like it is), then you would be wiling to adjust and adapt to a young child's (almost) irrelevant behavior.
IfonlyIknew Posted November 17, 2016 Posted November 17, 2016 Do you really love her? Love has sacrifices. At 6 years old, he won't be that snotty brat his whole life. You even said yourself she struggles as he doesn't listen, ask yourself do you care enough to help her during this time, through the thick and thin or are you saying your dislike for her child outweighs your love for her? I'd move mountains for the man I love.
Cheryl11111111111111 Posted November 17, 2016 Posted November 17, 2016 This is something I feel best comes from someone with experience and I have experience with both so here we go. I have been the hated child and I have a child who men will not warm up to. My suggestion is to not tell her. Just end it and love her enough to say we have differences in our family goals. Be straight forward and leave her alone. Until this child is 18, hes bound to her as she is to him. What kind of women would chose you over her child. Love can make you chose love over a child. Love would never ask you to! The truth is as a parent we don't stop wanting to be human but we sacrifice. Good parents sacrifices. Being a parent means you are just that the parent. Decisions we make, might not be some thing you agree with but its not your business. That's what uterus's are for. You find one of your own or have one of your own! end of story.. As a women and a person and human on this planet, we dream of love. Even if it's buried deep into our subconscious minds. So if she loves you, she may end up resenting her child until reality checks in and some times it takes a while for reality to check in. We're human. It's the truth of what could happen or she's strong and tells you to leave as she should. Loving someone, can sometimes means not putting hard choices on them knowing the long term pain. As for you. You could very well end up resenting the child and causing him trauma to the future. Children need to feel loved at home and if you can't love the child, leave him just as you should women you don't love. Just be nice and don't tell the truth here. This is where the white lie comes in. Break up with her and let her go immediately. Tell her there is someone else or that it's family differences. Sometimes the truth isn't best and here, it isn't..
Cheryl11111111111111 Posted November 17, 2016 Posted November 17, 2016 Id also like to throw my two cents in about unconditional love. It's not what is expected so to those that love, I feel so sorry for the guilt that could come by the term unconditional. Not all parents love their children unconditionally. Sometimes you have to fall back in love with your child. Sometimes you regret your choice "having children". We're human, we are exposed to wants and needs and we need this but no we don't. For crying out loud we are human. Sometimes parenting is hard. Sometimes we make mistakes, this baby is adorable and that adorable baby grows up and you think why did I do this and that and not this and that. We blame the child for our mistakes and parents are human. We make them. Sometimes we even pay for them! but unconditional love is something we are taught and we are taught lies and question the truth we know. We don't always love our children. Remember this and no it doesn't make you an ugly person. You are a good parent because you stuck around despite the unconditional love shocking you and throwing itself back in your face. The answers are so obvious. We fail to understand the worlds distortion.
Cheryl11111111111111 Posted November 17, 2016 Posted November 17, 2016 I also feel sorry for some cultures. Some that don't accept the reality of human beings. Some that believe to wrong that cause the distortion in the boiling pot that is immigration. It's so funny when you take a time out from the world, I recommend everyone open their eyes. Your human and to those that judge you, may they realize they have issues, you have issues and we all have issues. So god dam yes children are growing up with issues! some more then others. true story.
Cheryl11111111111111 Posted November 17, 2016 Posted November 17, 2016 Never take advice from people going through it. Your path and their path are different and so is where you end up. Your going of a very distorted perception. Seek advice from those who survived it. Inspiration, strength and you will see Oh that's what I have to look forward to. Don't take advice from anyone going through a bad marriage. Take it from those who survived it. If you put your thumbs and index fingers together you will see a diamond. You should if you did it correctly or if I named the correct name for what I just call the pointy finger. Each relationship will start off together and end up together if you survive the gap. To survive the gap you must first understand there is going to be one!
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