CurvyGurl Posted July 12, 2005 Posted July 12, 2005 So. I've been dating a wonderful man for the past month... and there's a lot of history but neither of us was really looking for a casual dating situation. I have made it crystal clear what I'm looking for, and what he's looking for goes hand in hand with that. So, we're having a ball getting to know each other, and getting closer and closer as time goes on. When we first met, we were both pretty open with feelings. And he does good with telling me how he feels, how attracted he si to me. He'll make 'future statements' that I generally take to heart, considering he told me on a few occaisions that he won't say things unless he means them. But sometimes... he gets... vague. Like, becomes objective and speaks as if he doesnt know that I like him and that he's someone special in my life. In my opinion, those vague statements negate anything he's ever mentioned about the future, and I feel like I'm in a 'one step up and two steps back' kind of scenario. I would so much rather all of our talking be in generalities than to flip back and forth from 'we' to 'you and your future husband' or from 'I'm so glad we met and we're together' to 'I hope that someday you meet someone who will sweep you off your feet.' It confuses me. I don't know if he's fishing for me to throw down and say 'what the hell???' or if he's trying to tell me something. My friends tell me not to worry, that men sometiems don't realize what comes out of their mouths. I think they're just placating me and I dont' like that. I don't want to hang on to something that has no chance. I'm falling for him and I'd rather not be hurt by being stupid.
Merin Posted July 12, 2005 Posted July 12, 2005 Well first let me say I'm so happy that you've met a good Guy The 2 of you have only been dating for a month.. and from what you've said he does seem taken with you.. IMO when he is telling you things that would indicate a future together it is sincere, IME most Guys DON'T talk of ANY future events unless they are into the Woman in question.. however because it's been a short time that the 2 of you have been dating he may freak himself out a little in giving and then withdrawing a little out of fear.. things moving faster than he may be comfortable with.. when you start having rocking feelings for someone it can be scary! I wouldn't write him off quite yet Girl... give it some more time Good Luck EDIT Wanted to add that the next time he says he hopes you meet someone who will sweep you off your feet perhaps reply "Who say's I haven't already?"
Author CurvyGurl Posted July 12, 2005 Author Posted July 12, 2005 Merin, thank you. I'm really really happy, I just don't want to get lost in KWIM? That is what I truly wanted to say but I zipped my lips and said nothing. I didnt know if I should say it or not. I truly truly don't want him just throwing stuff out there if he doesn't mean it. It's ok to talk in generalities if you odn't know what you want, but don't throw in a 'we' and and 'us' and then take it back! I know, I freak out over nothing but I'd much rather freak out over it on a bulletin board and have come to my senses by the time I see him next.
Merin Posted July 12, 2005 Posted July 12, 2005 Originally posted by CurvyGurl Merin, thank you. I'm really really happy, I just don't want to get lost in KWIM? That is what I truly wanted to say but I zipped my lips and said nothing. I didnt know if I should say it or not. I truly truly don't want him just throwing stuff out there if he doesn't mean it. It's ok to talk in generalities if you odn't know what you want, but don't throw in a 'we' and and 'us' and then take it back! I know, I freak out over nothing but I'd much rather freak out over it on a bulletin board and have come to my senses by the time I see him next. LOL You're just like me girl! I do know what you're saying... IMO YES you should say that, I think your Guy may be looking for some reassurance from you
Cecelius Posted July 12, 2005 Posted July 12, 2005 I've been with my g/f for about 16 months. I love her to bits, and have contemplated marriage (I have a minimum 2 year getting to know you requirement). I would never in any circumstances talk about the future as if there was certainty that we would be together. It has nothing to do with not knowing what comes out of my mouth. It's that its dopey to talk like you're hitched/committed/stuck before you are. It takes ALL the fun out of things. Lastly, you've been dating for about 30 days.
A Fly onThe Wall Posted July 12, 2005 Posted July 12, 2005 Originally posted by CurvyGurl I would so much rather all of our talking be in generalities than to flip back and forth from 'we' to 'you and your future husband' or from 'I'm so glad we met and we're together' to 'I hope that someday you meet someone who will sweep you off your feet.' Sometimes for me it's not easy when I'm getting to know someone and I bounce around in the We and You or I alot.. I don't want them to think I'm making future plans too fast and I also don't want them to think I'm not looking at the future at all with them. It's an insecurity
Author CurvyGurl Posted July 12, 2005 Author Posted July 12, 2005 Originally posted by Cecelius I've been with my g/f for about 16 months. I love her to bits, and have contemplated marriage (I have a minimum 2 year getting to know you requirement). I would never in any circumstances talk about the future as if there was certainty that we would be together. It has nothing to do with not knowing what comes out of my mouth. It's that its dopey to talk like you're hitched/committed/stuck before you are. It takes ALL the fun out of things. Lastly, you've been dating for about 30 days. I could not date someone that I could not marry. It's at the forefront of my mind, and this was made clear before we even started dating. He knows what I'm aiming for. He's aiming for the same. We hope that we hit the same target together. I feel more stress thinking about being held hostage to some arbitrary number of years we have to know each other before I can know if he thinks of me being in his future. Plus, there is no sex in this relationship so we have to relate on other levels. We do so very well. I have a feeling that IF IF IF we work out that it will be 2 yrs before we seal the deal anyway. That's not an issue. My issue isn't really the timing. It's the flipping back and forth. I constantly censor myself and try not to use 'futurespeak' simply because it hasnt been that long since we met and things are so great and I just want to hold out and make sure they stay great. He just lets out with whatever crosses his mind, sometimes. Maybe he regrets that and reverts back to being vague so that he's not in so deep. You think he feels dopey? I dunno. Men.
Cecelius Posted July 12, 2005 Posted July 12, 2005 Originally posted by CurvyGurl He just lets out with whatever crosses his mind, sometimes. Maybe he regrets that and reverts back to being vague so that he's not in so deep. You think he feels dopey? Definately could be. He likes you, you like him, but no one wants to get "overextended" in how much they've demonstrated, conveyed, expressed, especially not a man. Looks like things are going well. Try to average his moments of great forward looking expression with his "pulling back" type comments; that'll tell you where he really is.
alphamale Posted July 12, 2005 Posted July 12, 2005 Originally posted by CurvyGurl I could not date someone that I could not marry. Well CURVYGURL....how would you know you wanted to marry someone unless you had dated for at least six months or so at a minimum??? It is also my opinion that a big problem here is due to your "virginal" status at your age (I think you're like 30 or early 30s, right?). Relationships and emotional attachment are much much stronger when you are having sex with someone and since you have not ever experience this stage of "involvement" it is harder for you to measure and guage feelings. I could be wrong, but that is my theory... Alpha
Author CurvyGurl Posted July 12, 2005 Author Posted July 12, 2005 IMO you can only guage how good someone is in bed by sex. People have sex with persons they can't stand all the time. Says nothing about how they feel about each other and everything about the urge to 'get it on'. I don't think this has anything to do with my being a virgin. I guess I'm trying to follow his lead, beacuse I don't wanna be way out in front of him. He just doesn't seem to know where he's going. Guess I'll follow my own lead! Alpha, you know what I mean. I didn't decide on date 1 that I would marry him. But I'd have never gone out with him if he didn't seem like the kind of person I would like, get along with, and possibly marry, based on values, personality, sense of self, life goals and ambition.
alphamale Posted July 12, 2005 Posted July 12, 2005 Originally posted by CurvyGurl I don't think this has anything to do with my being a virgin. I must respectfully disagree C.G. The only thing that seperates a platonic friend from a lover is the sex...once two people start sleeping together every damn thing changes.
Author CurvyGurl Posted July 12, 2005 Author Posted July 12, 2005 I disagree with your disagreement of my disagreement with your statement ! I see what you're saying. I just don't agree. I don't kiss my friends like I kiss my S.O. and I don't hang with my platonic male friends like I hang with him. We still have intimate, romantic moments. We just don't have sex.
alphamale Posted July 12, 2005 Posted July 12, 2005 Originally posted by CurvyGurl We just don't have sex. Most dudes will not stick around too long if there is no nookie involved...
Author CurvyGurl Posted July 12, 2005 Author Posted July 12, 2005 Most dudes, yes. He knows what he's getting into. Or NOT getting into, rather.
alphamale Posted July 12, 2005 Posted July 12, 2005 Originally posted by CurvyGurl It confuses me. I don't know if he's fishing for me to throw down and say 'what the hell???' or if he's trying to tell me something. he is trying to tell you indirectly that the "arrangement" you two have is not working for him... Originally posted by CurvyGurl Most dudes, yes. He knows what he's getting into. Or NOT getting into, rather.
Author CurvyGurl Posted July 12, 2005 Author Posted July 12, 2005 You're being purposely mean and obtuse. Knock it off. For your information, the decision to wait was not set by me this time. Stick that in yer craw.
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