Dating a schiz- oid? He loves me, he loves me not.

[Overtherain]

Ive been on and off with this guy for probably almost 2 years. He is the perfect boyfriend-- kind, caring, smart, successful, amazing and giving in bed, and genuinly derives utter and unselfish pleasure from making sure other people are happy. Sounds to good to be true? Usually is.

 

He's broken up with me at least half a dozen times since we started dating. Always managed to "logic" him back into the situation. We are currently not officially together and yet we continue to talk on a near daily basis. He visits me still, even though we are not living near each other at the moment.

 

I could write pages on our relationships but it'll get too long so I'll answer questions as they come, but let's just flash forward. He has told me multiple times he does not want to be in a relationship, but cannt elucidate why exactly. On the opposite he tells me of the very few girlfriends he has had (we are both old enough to have a lot of dating experience and he has been with VERY few people thus far), he tells me I am the most unique, the funniest, the smartest, the one he cares the most for. He has literally flown halfway around the country to do something because he thought it would make me happy. He goes out of hsi way for me. His family loves me and he has not told them he broke up with me. In fact, they very much think we are still dating.

 

I got to a point where i realised that trying to convince him all the reasons we should be together was fruitless because he doesnt respond well to being "forced" into decisions. He felt like i always coerced him into staying together before. So I stopped. I told him, go date whomever you want, shag whomever you like, and then if you realise you have garnered more life/dating experience and that you are missing out on me, if i'm still single i will be here waiting, but maybe i wont be. So we kept talking anyway, and i stopped asking if we will get back together.

 

Out of no where he comes to visit me for a couple of days. As if we are still together we go out, we have fun, we have sex, we cuddle, we do everything a couple does. He even takes me to visit his bloody family who live nearby. HIS choice! And still, the one time I say "maybe ill come visit you soon too" (mind you, he just surprised me out of no where and i am basically doing the same thing back) he becomes visibly nervous, saying he doesnt want to have "that" conversation (about getting back together) again and is nervous to hurt me more. I do not persist-- i simply ask one more time if he would like me to come stay with him or not, and after some thought he says, in a weird way "well i cannt refuse the request of an aquaintance such as you". Very awkward statement seeing as how I am certainly much more than an "aquaintance". I chalk up the use of the word to english being not his native language. This is, from knowing him, his weird way of saying he wants to make me happy and so he cant tell me no. And that he wants to see me. Of course he wants to see me-- he flew halfway around the country to do so for three days. He clearly misses me-- but he has never been able to tell me this in words, nor has he ever been able to say he loves me. He has never said he misses or loves ANYONE in his entire life-- not his few ex girlfriends, not his siblings, not his parents. No one. He has few friends-- a couple he sees or talks to every few months, and they always call him first. He prefers to spend his time alone. He has difficulty with outward emotion. He is the very definition of an intermediate level secret schizoid (please look it up, it'll be too long for me to explain). One or two people have said this to him in the past. Im inclined to agree after knowing him this long that he has these traits.

 

I just dont know what to do at this point. I've left quite a lot of details out in the interest of time but as it stands right now I am horribly in love with this man, to the point that I cannot feel anything for anyone else. I've tried. It always comes back to him. He can be difficult. He will never be the type of man who remembers to tell you that you look nice. I'm not even sure if he'll ever be able to jut say he loves or misses someone. But I know he feels SOMETHING. I know how he looks at me. I know how he acts with me and touches me. And I know that no matter how screwed up someone is, they do not go out of their way to make a supposed ex-girlfriend happy the way he does for me. I am supposed to spend the holidays with him shortly. I am happy to do so because I am never so happy as when I am with him. But I don't know how long I can keep this charade and back-and-forth. His siblings live near me and it's devastating for me to be invited to their houses for dinners and playing with his nephews and neices and being made to feel like im part of the family because to them it seems like we are still together. I dont want to say anything because I keep hoping eventually he will get past this unwillingness to deal with his own emotional discomfort. But it's getting hard.

 

As I've said-- strangely enough, because I think he lacks the emotional insight most normal people have, he lives his life based on what he feels a good person SHOULD be. A good son visits his parents and siblings, a good boyfriend calls and is totally selfless in bed and does everything in their power to make their partner smile. And so he is this amazing partner in so many ways. And I'm ok with being the "strong emotional" one. I really am. As frustrating as he can be , I dont think anyone is perfect and I would really rather take someone like him over someone who would cheat on me or is selfish. He will never be either of those things.

 

I think everyone except for him can see that he misses me and probably does love me quite a bit. The most he has been able to verbally muster is that he cares bout me more than any person he's ever known. That much he can admit to. But when it comes to the topic of BEING togehter in a relationships he gets so uncomfortable with this concept. He comes up with any and all excuses for why it wouldnt work from some weird logic perspective rather than just understanding that emotionally nothing is ever perfect when it comes to relationships. Perfection does not exist. But I see his hesitation. He has had every opportunity to just LEAVE. TO stop talking to me, to date other people. Whatever he wants. He hasnt. He instead flew halfway around the country to see me for a couple of days. he instead texts and talks to me every day. He has not told anyone in his family he broke up with me. He is spending the holidays with me and offering to plan a weekend away for us. He buys me things, he sends me care packages when im not feeling well. His actions and his words are literally the opposite of one another.

 

And Im just not sure what to do. I dont think I can just cut him off. Ive already done what I thought I could never do by basically stopping asking why we arent together, and telling him he has both my permission and blessing to go try dating/shagging/whatever other girls (he's not the sort to one night stand). But I know he hasnt dated or slept with anyone else. It's so bizarre. It's like we are still in some weird relationship except without officially having the title and toptoeing around this subject. And when i bring up something like comin to stay with him (though HE JUST DID THAT!) he gets nervous about having "that" conversation again.

 

This is why I am desperately hoping someone else out there has been in my unique situation with a schizoid type of person like this. He is not a regular guy, trust me as someone who knows him two years already, so your intuition to say "if he loved you he would just say it, or if he wanted to be with you he would just do it" does not apply in this case. My friends also do not understand-- they dont listen when i tell them to think of him as a schizoid. It's hard for people unfamiliar with the concept to understand. I am not dense. Ive been broken up with and heartbroken before but in all those cases I could see this was how they really felt. With him its like he says one thing but his motivations and actions are of another person. Please google schizoid so you can understand what type of personality I am dealing with. He's not beyond hope, I just am not sure how to approach this anymore.

 

I am so excited to spend more time with him during the holidays but Im not sure how long I can do this halfway thing where i never know what the future entails. I work a stressful job. It's not like i have a ton of time to date anyway. So really us being not near each other on other sides of the country is not an issue, its almost ok because it takes of the pressure of making time for each other (his job is also crazy busy), but at the end of the day we have a unique connection, we get along perfectly in our mutual weirdness, and i have enough experience dating to know when someone is different. For me, he IS the "one". SOmetimes i think that his limited experience coupled with this emotional issues make it harder for him to acknowledge that. But it seems like he's also hanging on even though his mouth tells me "this relationship cant work because of A, B, C, distance, this barrier, whatever". I keep thinking we've made progress so if I keep holding out eventually he'll realise that the reason he keeps hanging on is because this relationship means as much to him as it does to me. But I just dont know what else to do to move it along at this point. I dont want to pressure him because i Know that pushes him away faster than anything else. But this purgatory is kind of killing me too

 

sorry for the long post. insight from those who have been involved with such people appreciated.

[basil67]

You're wasting your time. A relationship with someone who needs to be repeatedly talked into continuing with you should be abandoned.

[kendahke]

Unless you're a therapist and have extensive experience dealing with bi-polar issues, I think you should put this down.

 

An adult should know without hesitation that they want to be with you in a romantic relationship. He's got too many psychological problems for this to be anything remotely like a healthy relationship.

[Herbalist]

I'm very familiar with SPD, but not everything you describe just screams SPD.

 

Like first of all, secret schizoid or not, the dude apparently knows how to show affection to you in ways that keep you hooked. Second, 'intimacy' seems to be fine with him as long as it's on his terms only. Basically if he feels like spending time with you, then he spends time with you. If you feel like spending time with him, he doesn't give a ****. If he feels like having sex with you, then apparently he can just fly around the world, show up and have sex with you. If you want to come spend a day with him, then he can just flat out reject your needs, but rest assured when he is ready to come back for company and sex and so on, it will all be ready and waiting for him, no consequences.

 

You give him no incentive to be a better partner in the relationship, because you don't enforce any of your own needs, boundaries or anything. You are just available to him for whatever he wants, whenever he wants, on his own terms. And then you rationalize away all of your own needs by being like "well he is just a schizoid I'm sure he secretly loves me a lot".

 

Are you seeing a therapist for yourself to talk about these things?

[Overtherain]

Unless you're a therapist and have extensive experience dealing with bi-polar issues, I think you should put this down.

 

An adult should know without hesitation that they want to be with you in a romantic relationship. He's got too many psychological problems for this to be anything remotely like a healthy relationship.

 

I have a doctorate and was a therapist for nearly a decade. As I'd like to refrain from giving many details I am well versed in mental health dealings. He is in no way bipolar. I've not given as many details as I have but he very much fits the low-grade schizoid spectrum. I'm not the only person to ascertain him as such.

 

Regardless it's difficult to separate fully when you're involved with the the person I suppose . Schizoid tend to have an intense fantasy process in their minds about what love and relationships SHOULD be. But they are generally disappointed because their ability to feel these things in reality is blunted or different than what they imagine is "normal", so it's a struggle. He does enjoy my company but for the most part his interactions with people are based on him trying to be normal-- he tells me he doesn't really enjoy hanging out with most people. But he does things because it's what a good person/brother/son/boyfriend does. Make sense? It's not that he doesn't feel things, he just interprets the reality of emotion differently than you and I as presumably emotionally normal people do.

 

He likes the idea of a relationship but spending too much time with someone becomes almost like an intolerable allergy where he feels a need to run into isolation before the intense discomfort overwhelms him. But eventually he gets to a level again and where he tries again.

 

I think if no one here is familiar with these kinds of people it's difficult to explain and understand. Most therapists have little experience with these people let alone the general population.

 

He really is a good person. He does not desire sex for himself so much as because he knows it makes me happy I think. He lets me do practically nothing for him-/ all the focus is always on me and what makes me feel good. He's had only a couple of girlfriends in his entire life despite the fact that he is a kind and very successful and cute guy. But he can't tell his own mother he loves her because it's such an odd notion for him. I'm about the only person in his life who has made him cry-- all times when he saw me in pain. For the person who said he uses me for sex-- I currently live a 15 hour travel time away including flight and a couple of time zones. He went back and forth across a continent and ocean to see me for a couple days. I assure you there are easier ways to get laid when you are a good looking and rich guy. And yet he has not slept with or dated anyone since we "broke up", even though I told him he should. I'm texting and talking to him practically all day every day.

 

I admit it's an odd situation but I'm no naive newbie. I've been around the block dating. I know the difference between a player who is a commitment-phone and a guy who has a mental issue like schizoid. He is very much in the latter. Is he textbook? No but most of my patients rarely ever were. Most people fall somewhere on a spectrum especially if they are cluster B personalities.

 

I suppose I'm writing here because of the odd chance someone has been remotely in my shoes because pretty much no one I know in real life understands. They see s guy who goes out of his way for me and acts like he loves me and they can't fathom why he goes back and forth like this. The second I said I wasn't going to bring it into an emotional argument about long term relationships he relented and said we should spend the holidays together. Please believe it is not because he is trying to be controlling. It's because when things are emotionally on the table he gets lost. It's a unique situation and I'm just not sure if the best way to deal with it right now,

[Overtherain]

I'm very familiar with SPD, but not everything you describe just screams SPD.

 

Like first of all, secret schizoid or not, the dude apparently knows how to show affection to you in ways that keep you hooked. Second, 'intimacy' seems to be fine with him as long as it's on his terms only. Basically if he feels like spending time with you, then he spends time with you. If you feel like spending time with him, he doesn't give a ****. If he feels like having sex with you, then apparently he can just fly around the world, show up and have sex with you. If you want to come spend a day with him, then he can just flat out reject your needs, but rest assured when he is ready to come back for company and sex and so on, it will all be ready and waiting for him, no consequences.

 

You give him no incentive to be a better partner in the relationship, because you don't enforce any of your own needs, boundaries or anything. You are just available to him for whatever he wants, whenever he wants, on his own terms. And then you rationalize away all of your own needs by being like "well he is just a schizoid I'm sure he secretly loves me a lot".

 

Are you seeing a therapist for yourself to talk about these things?

 

So I agree with you in some ways (see my previous reply for some more info), and I think with him outward sort of demands don't work well. It requires more finesse than being demanding. I told him to go date whomever he likes . He hasn't even tried. Instead he came to see me, and brought me to his family for dinner, and does everything in his power to help me and make me happy except for just being in the mode of making a commitment.

[Poe77]

"well i cannt refuse the request of an aquaintance such as you". Very awkward statement seeing as how I am certainly much more than an "aquaintance".

 

As I've said-- strangely enough, because I think he lacks the emotional insight most normal people have, he lives his life based on what he feels a good person SHOULD be.

 

 

so bizarre. It's like we are still in some weird relationship except without officially having the title and toptoeing around this subject. And when i bring up something like comin to stay with him (though HE JUST DID THAT!) he gets nervous about having "that" conversation again.

 

.

 

I think you just answered some of your own questions here with out even realizing it..hes doing those things prob because of a scene of familiarity and security he feels with you he flat out said you are a acquaintance to him there is no mystical secret meaning to this its cut and dry you would serve yourself best to take it as such. I really dont think this man is mentally ill not in the way you are making him out to be I think hes a big time commitment phobe but not really "crazy".. I know its easier to think hes seriously mentally unwell then just not serious relationship material for you but I honestly think that's the case.

 

Hes doing what is expected of him and whats he comfortable doing it doesn't mean he wants anything serious with you and since you yourself are saying this is just fine and dandy hes going to keep going along with the same old same old..listen to your friends op im sure they have at least been around him a bit so I dont think they are as clueless as you think...he might also be doing all that out a sense of guilt for ending things officially and so its easier to keep up appearances for the family at least until the holidays are over to make it easier on him...

 

You are in a relationship its called "friends with benefits" the fact he comes to see you on his terms works for him and you have already given him the go ahead to live his life separately and do as he pleases hes prob taking you up on that offer after all its not cheating if you say go for it.. My gut would be telling me thats prob why hes squeamish when you want to come visit him hes got his good thing up and going and you on the hook why take the chance to mess that up?

[Buddhist]

First of all googling a personality disorder and then deciding your BF has it is hardly conclusive diagnosis. Are you a psychiatrist/psychologist able to make those kinds of diagnosis? Been a therapist for 10 years? Didn't you ever learn that you can't diagnose people you're in a relationship with? I've said this multiple times but it bears repeating.

 

People find all sorts of justifications for why they are not getting what they think they should from others. But most of the time it has nothing to do with therapy type issues. It's just that they are not all that jazzed about you.

 

You are sure he feels something for you? You are certain he is more in love with you than he's letting on? Okay, just when did you develop psychic abilities that enable you to know what's inside another person's head? So lets stop bandying about labels that probably don't apply and look at the actual situation. You sound more confused than him IMHO. Your whole post is about you being convinced he's the one. It's pretty obvious he doesn't feel the same way.

 

From what I can see you keep trying to convince someone to be in a relationship with you and he plays along for a little while then breaks up with you. IME, constant breaks up are a sign that person doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. Hard to connect the logic on that I know, one but it's true.

 

If he suffers from anything it's probably just weak boundaries and not being able to stick to his own decision in the face of you trying to once again talk him into something he's just not got his heart in. If he has weak boundaries then that does explain the backtracking, the flip flopping and of course not wanting to tell his parents and take the heat from them about his decisions. It's not at all unusual for people to behave like this actually. LS is full of these kinds of stories.

 

The answer is always the same. Time to move on if you want to get off this merry-go-round.

Edited November 6, 2016 by Buddhist

[Poe77]

I'm very familiar with SPD, but not everything you describe just screams SPD.

 

 

 

 

 

Regardless it's difficult to separate fully when you're involved with the the person I suppose .

 

I think if no one here is familiar with these kinds of people it's difficult to explain and understand. Most therapists have little experience with these people let alone the general population.

 

He really is a good person. He does not desire sex for himself so much as because he knows it makes me happy I think. He lets me do practically nothing for him-/

 

 

,

 

There are people here who have experience with this you are choosing to ignore that fact completely do you see that now? dont be so naive when it comes to sex long as it happens the man gets pleasure everything else is just icing on the cake..it almost feels like you have this scenario in your head were you are the "only one" who understands this man and can "save him" from himself that's not healthy op why are you doing that?

 

Also from the way you describe him he kinda just sounds like a hard core introvert whose going thu life social pases cause its whats expected of him. I know im also like this you hate prolonged interactions with people but you go and do it cause it saves the drama in the long run cause "its the right thing to do" sound familiar?...

 

I think you really need to step back and clear your head on this as you say its really hard to see things clearly when one is so intensely personally invested take some time for you dont see him for a while and start seeing your own councilor I think you find it would be very helpful..

[TheTraveler]

The perfect boyfriend?

 

He's dumped you 6 times

 

:lmao:

[Anika9]

I know you know the situation better than we do , and im sure it is complicated. First thing id like to understand is, why would you ever think you need to tell someone why you should be together? i mean maybe once just to let him know your view but after hat why should he need coaxing? and why be with someone who has broke up with you 12 times?

 

i'm not judging and its for you to decide what you're ok with doing, just, how did that happen? you kind of mention it then move on so for that there is little detail.

 

thanks

[Overtherain]

First of all googling a personality disorder and then deciding your BF has it is hardly conclusive diagnosis. Are you a psychiatrist/psychologist able to make those kinds of diagnosis? Been a therapist for 10 years? Didn't you ever learn that you can't diagnose people you're in a relationship with? I've said this multiple times but it bears repeating.

 

People find all sorts of justifications for why they are not getting what they think they should from others. But most of the time it has nothing to do with therapy type issues. It's just that they are not all that jazzed about you.

 

You are sure he feels something for you? You are certain he is more in love with you than he's letting on? Okay, just when did you develop psychic abilities that enable you to know what's inside another person's head? So lets stop bandying about labels that probably don't apply and look at the actual situation. You sound more confused than him IMHO. Your whole post is about you being convinced he's the one. It's pretty obvious he doesn't feel the same way.

 

From what I can see you keep trying to convince someone to be in a relationship with you and he plays along for a little while then breaks up with you. IME, constant breaks up are a sign that person doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. Hard to connect the logic on that I know, one but it's true.

 

If he suffers from anything it's probably just weak boundaries and not being able to stick to his own decision in the face of you trying to once again talk him into something he's just not got his heart in. If he has weak boundaries then that does explain the backtracking, the flip flopping and of course not wanting to tell his parents and take the heat from them about his decisions. It's not at all unusual for people to behave like this actually. LS is full of these kinds of stories.

 

The answer is always the same. Time to move on if you want to get off this merry-go-round.

 

Lol. I didn't google anything. I was more thinking the fact that I have both a PhD and an MD plus therapist experience made me qualified. That and the fact that he was diagnosed by someone else before and when I mentioned to him I thought he could have this he told me he'd been told that in the past.

 

If I were you I would not assume that just because someone is emotional and upset that they are a Google warrior . Believe it or not some of us are qualified to make these assertions. But I am also human and giving patients advice from a neutral position is different than being exasperated when personally involved in my own.

 

People on here need to understand that I cannot give every single detail of my life with this person, in part due to anonymity and in part due to time constraints. So instead of telling me my diagnosis is wrong, people should assume I know him , and the person who previously diagnosed him knew him, and we know he fits this criteria on the spectrum.

 

My coming here in no way asks for confirmation of a diagnosis. It asks for hopeful sympathy, especially from those who have dealt with such a partner.

 

Many schizoids do in fact get married, have children, and lead normal lives. It is a lifelong struggle for many of them. He is not on the extreme end where he wants NO human interaction. He has potential. He clearly struggles with his feelings for me-- he enjoys my company and yet simultaneously the one thing he craves is the one thing that gives him some anxiety-- human intimacy of the emotional sort. He has told me many times he cares for me more than anyone he's ever met. For someone who is incapable of saying they love their own mother, this is meaningful. He does not say things like this easily.

 

I should also mention that English is not his first language so his use of the term "acquaintance" is inaccurate at best. We often speak in another language and it does not always translate exactly properly to English. At any rate his use of such terms implies He's clearly trying to distance himself from his feelings but I in no way have forced him into anything lately. I admit in the beginning I tried to convince him to stay but I stopped doing that quite some time ago. As hard as it was I told him to go do whatever he wanted with whomever he wanted. HE took it upon himself to travel 15 hours to see me for my birthday and surprise me. The holidays have nothing to do with it for reasons I will not disclose for anonymity but I assure you it's not the reason his family still doesn't know. HE takes me to his family's home for dinner and etc. he is not a player. He has slept with a couple of women in his entire life and we are not young kids.

 

I don't know how else to assure you he is schizoid. You will all have to trust me on this one to save me going into intricate detail about who he is . My query is strictly of one in which I'm not sure how to deal with such a person in this situation. I see him clearly struggling. His words say one thing but his actions say another. I have dated other people in this time we have been apart (I just didn't feel anything for any of them but I certainly tried to move on). He has not. Even though I told him he should.

 

I hope that has cleared it up a bit. Cheers.

[Downtown]

The one thing he craves is the one thing that gives him some anxiety-- human intimacy of the emotional sort.

OTR, if he were at the high end of the schizoid spectrum, he would not crave the intimacy. His being lower on the spectrum, then, puts him in the same predicament that BPDers face: craving something that cannot be tolerated for extended periods. Like nearly every other adult, a BPDer craves human intimacy. Yet, because a BPDer has only a fragile sense of self and virtually no personal boundaries, he will quickly start to feel suffocated and engulfed -- by his partner's strong personality -- during intimacy. He thus will push her away -- usually by starting a fight over absolutely nothing -- in order to get breathing space.

 

I mention this because I am fascinated by the similarity of a BPDer's reaction to intimacy to that of folks exhibiting moderate schizoid traits. If I understand schizoid behavior correctly, it does not arise from the twin fears (of abandonment and engulfment) characterizing a BPDer. The problem with having both of those fears at a strong level -- as BPDers do -- is that it creates a push-away and pull-back cycle that results in emotional instability.

 

If I understand schizoid behavior correctly, schizoids tend to be stable people because they have only one great fear. I had assumed that it was the fear of abandonment (because so many psychologists want to include it with Avoidant PD, which seems driven by the abandonment fear). You seem to have concluded, however, that a moderate schizoid's main fear is engulfment, not abandonment. Is that correct? If so, would you agree that this engulfment fear does not arise from a weak, fragile self image (as is the case with BPDers)?

[Poe77]

Lol. I didn't google anything. I was more thinking the fact that I have both a PhD and an MD plus therapist experience made me qualified. That and the fact that he was diagnosed by someone else before and when I mentioned to him I thought he could have this he told me he'd been told that in the past.

 

If I were you I would not assume that just because someone is emotional and upset that they are a Google warrior . Believe it or not some of us are qualified to make these assertions. But I am also human and giving patients advice from a neutral position is different than being exasperated when personally involved in my own.

 

People on here need to understand that I cannot give every single detail of my life with this person, in part due to anonymity and in part due to time constraints. So instead of telling me my diagnosis is wrong, people should assume I know him , and the person who previously diagnosed him knew him, and we know he fits this criteria on the spectrum.

 

My coming here in no way asks for confirmation of a diagnosis. It asks for hopeful sympathy, especially from those who have dealt with such a partner.

 

Many schizoids do in fact get married, have children, and lead normal lives. It is a lifelong struggle for many of them. He is not on the extreme end where he wants NO human interaction. He has potential. He clearly struggles with his feelings for me-- he enjoys my company and yet simultaneously the one thing he craves is the one thing that gives him some anxiety-- human intimacy of the emotional sort. He has told me many times he cares for me more than anyone he's ever met. For someone who is incapable of saying they love their own mother, this is meaningful. He does not say things like this easily.

 

I should also mention that English is not his first language so his use of the term "acquaintance" is inaccurate at best. We often speak in another language and it does not always translate exactly properly to English. At any rate his use of such terms implies He's clearly trying to distance himself from his feelings but I in no way have forced him into anything lately. I admit in the beginning I tried to convince him to stay but I stopped doing that quite some time ago. As hard as it was I told him to go do whatever he wanted with whomever he wanted. HE took it upon himself to travel 15 hours to see me for my birthday and surprise me. The holidays have nothing to do with it for reasons I will not disclose for anonymity but I assure you it's not the reason his family still doesn't know. HE takes me to his family's home for dinner and etc. he is not a player. He has slept with a couple of women in his entire life and we are not young kids.

 

I don't know how else to assure you he is schizoid. You will all have to trust me on this one to save me going into intricate detail about who he is . My query is strictly of one in which I'm not sure how to deal with such a person in this situation. I see him clearly struggling. His words say one thing but his actions say another. I have dated other people in this time we have been apart (I just didn't feel anything for any of them but I certainly tried to move on). He has not. Even though I told him he should.

 

I hope that has cleared it up a bit. Cheers.

 

Ok then if he is this way what is your next move? why are you allowing yourself to be drawn into a unhealthy relationship with a man who is currently choosing to stay unstable? if he was serious about things he would want to seek help for himself and you...he clearly isn't and yet you are hanging on seeing him and having sex in between other dates is not really trying to move on..

 

you are making alot of excuses for this man...and im sorry but you might not find a lot of sympathy here for some one who keeps allowing themselves to stay in basically a mentally/emotionally abusive relationship with a unstable man who refuses to seek help...most people here would rather give you honest feedback from a outsiders view in hopes you would listen and get yourself into a better place..

[Buddhist]

Lol. I didn't google anything. I was more thinking the fact that I have both a PhD and an MD plus therapist experience made me qualified. That and the fact that he was diagnosed by someone else before and when I mentioned to him I thought he could have this he told me he'd been told that in the past.

 

Well then why aren't you consulting with your peers or other suitably qualified people instead of posting on an anonymous internet forum? And it still doesn't change the fact that you are trying to therapise him into a relationship with you, which at best is unethical and at worst manipulative.

 

You'll have to excuse us for not swallowing your diagnosis wholesale, many people turn up on this site claiming their SO's are this and that personality disorder and it later turns out that actually no, nothing of the sort nor even close is the truth. A healthy degree of skepticism exists here when it comes to things like labelling people with disorders. You'll also have to agree that being in a relationship with this person doesn't give you the most objective platform to be making a diagnosis from. You are just emotionally too close to the situation to see things clearly as evident in your OP.

[Poe77]

also on a second thought you say he is "older and Rich"? how did he get rich if he is so mentally unwell that he can barely hold a normal relationship together? usually wealthy people have their lives in fairly decent order at least publicly I would think they have to so they can run their company's and or business ventures well I will admit I am not really familiar with this disorder but it seams like and I am judging this from how you are making it out to be its quite debilitating? that part doesn't make much sense to me...

[aileD]

Why are you settling for this sh..t?

 

Seriously, he's not the "perfect boyfriend". You spend like five paragraphs telling us everything that's wrong with him.

 

He will never be what you want him to be. Please move on!

[Redhead14]

Ive been on and off with this guy for probably almost 2 years. He is the perfect boyfriend-- kind, caring, smart, successful, amazing and giving in bed, and genuinly derives utter and unselfish pleasure from making sure other people are happy. Sounds to good to be true? Usually is.

 

He's broken up with me at least half a dozen times since we started dating. Always managed to "logic" him back into the situation. We are currently not officially together and yet we continue to talk on a near daily basis. He visits me still, even though we are not living near each other at the moment.

 

I could write pages on our relationships but it'll get too long so I'll answer questions as they come, but let's just flash forward. He has told me multiple times he does not want to be in a relationship, but cannt elucidate why exactly. On the opposite he tells me of the very few girlfriends he has had (we are both old enough to have a lot of dating experience and he has been with VERY few people thus far), he tells me I am the most unique, the funniest, the smartest, the one he cares the most for. He has literally flown halfway around the country to do something because he thought it would make me happy. He goes out of hsi way for me. His family loves me and he has not told them he broke up with me. In fact, they very much think we are still dating.

 

I got to a point where i realised that trying to convince him all the reasons we should be together was fruitless because he doesnt respond well to being "forced" into decisions. He felt like i always coerced him into staying together before. So I stopped. I told him, go date whomever you want, shag whomever you like, and then if you realise you have garnered more life/dating experience and that you are missing out on me, if i'm still single i will be here waiting, but maybe i wont be. So we kept talking anyway, and i stopped asking if we will get back together.

 

Out of no where he comes to visit me for a couple of days. As if we are still together we go out, we have fun, we have sex, we cuddle, we do everything a couple does. He even takes me to visit his bloody family who live nearby. HIS choice! And still, the one time I say "maybe ill come visit you soon too" (mind you, he just surprised me out of no where and i am basically doing the same thing back) he becomes visibly nervous, saying he doesnt want to have "that" conversation (about getting back together) again and is nervous to hurt me more. I do not persist-- i simply ask one more time if he would like me to come stay with him or not, and after some thought he says, in a weird way "well i cannt refuse the request of an aquaintance such as you". Very awkward statement seeing as how I am certainly much more than an "aquaintance". I chalk up the use of the word to english being not his native language. This is, from knowing him, his weird way of saying he wants to make me happy and so he cant tell me no. And that he wants to see me. Of course he wants to see me-- he flew halfway around the country to do so for three days. He clearly misses me-- but he has never been able to tell me this in words, nor has he ever been able to say he loves me. He has never said he misses or loves ANYONE in his entire life-- not his few ex girlfriends, not his siblings, not his parents. No one. He has few friends-- a couple he sees or talks to every few months, and they always call him first. He prefers to spend his time alone. He has difficulty with outward emotion. He is the very definition of an intermediate level secret schizoid (please look it up, it'll be too long for me to explain). One or two people have said this to him in the past. Im inclined to agree after knowing him this long that he has these traits.

 

I just dont know what to do at this point. I've left quite a lot of details out in the interest of time but as it stands right now I am horribly in love with this man, to the point that I cannot feel anything for anyone else. I've tried. It always comes back to him. He can be difficult. He will never be the type of man who remembers to tell you that you look nice. I'm not even sure if he'll ever be able to jut say he loves or misses someone. But I know he feels SOMETHING. I know how he looks at me. I know how he acts with me and touches me. And I know that no matter how screwed up someone is, they do not go out of their way to make a supposed ex-girlfriend happy the way he does for me. I am supposed to spend the holidays with him shortly. I am happy to do so because I am never so happy as when I am with him. But I don't know how long I can keep this charade and back-and-forth. His siblings live near me and it's devastating for me to be invited to their houses for dinners and playing with his nephews and neices and being made to feel like im part of the family because to them it seems like we are still together. I dont want to say anything because I keep hoping eventually he will get past this unwillingness to deal with his own emotional discomfort. But it's getting hard.

 

As I've said-- strangely enough, because I think he lacks the emotional insight most normal people have, he lives his life based on what he feels a good person SHOULD be. A good son visits his parents and siblings, a good boyfriend calls and is totally selfless in bed and does everything in their power to make their partner smile. And so he is this amazing partner in so many ways. And I'm ok with being the "strong emotional" one. I really am. As frustrating as he can be , I dont think anyone is perfect and I would really rather take someone like him over someone who would cheat on me or is selfish. He will never be either of those things.

 

I think everyone except for him can see that he misses me and probably does love me quite a bit. The most he has been able to verbally muster is that he cares bout me more than any person he's ever known. That much he can admit to. But when it comes to the topic of BEING togehter in a relationships he gets so uncomfortable with this concept. He comes up with any and all excuses for why it wouldnt work from some weird logic perspective rather than just understanding that emotionally nothing is ever perfect when it comes to relationships. Perfection does not exist. But I see his hesitation. He has had every opportunity to just LEAVE. TO stop talking to me, to date other people. Whatever he wants. He hasnt. He instead flew halfway around the country to see me for a couple of days. he instead texts and talks to me every day. He has not told anyone in his family he broke up with me. He is spending the holidays with me and offering to plan a weekend away for us. He buys me things, he sends me care packages when im not feeling well. His actions and his words are literally the opposite of one another.

 

And Im just not sure what to do. I dont think I can just cut him off. Ive already done what I thought I could never do by basically stopping asking why we arent together, and telling him he has both my permission and blessing to go try dating/shagging/whatever other girls (he's not the sort to one night stand). But I know he hasnt dated or slept with anyone else. It's so bizarre. It's like we are still in some weird relationship except without officially having the title and toptoeing around this subject. And when i bring up something like comin to stay with him (though HE JUST DID THAT!) he gets nervous about having "that" conversation again.

 

This is why I am desperately hoping someone else out there has been in my unique situation with a schizoid type of person like this. He is not a regular guy, trust me as someone who knows him two years already, so your intuition to say "if he loved you he would just say it, or if he wanted to be with you he would just do it" does not apply in this case. My friends also do not understand-- they dont listen when i tell them to think of him as a schizoid. It's hard for people unfamiliar with the concept to understand. I am not dense. Ive been broken up with and heartbroken before but in all those cases I could see this was how they really felt. With him its like he says one thing but his motivations and actions are of another person. Please google schizoid so you can understand what type of personality I am dealing with. He's not beyond hope, I just am not sure how to approach this anymore.

 

I am so excited to spend more time with him during the holidays but Im not sure how long I can do this halfway thing where i never know what the future entails. I work a stressful job. It's not like i have a ton of time to date anyway. So really us being not near each other on other sides of the country is not an issue, its almost ok because it takes of the pressure of making time for each other (his job is also crazy busy), but at the end of the day we have a unique connection, we get along perfectly in our mutual weirdness, and i have enough experience dating to know when someone is different. For me, he IS the "one". SOmetimes i think that his limited experience coupled with this emotional issues make it harder for him to acknowledge that. But it seems like he's also hanging on even though his mouth tells me "this relationship cant work because of A, B, C, distance, this barrier, whatever". I keep thinking we've made progress so if I keep holding out eventually he'll realise that the reason he keeps hanging on is because this relationship means as much to him as it does to me. But I just dont know what else to do to move it along at this point. I dont want to pressure him because i Know that pushes him away faster than anything else. But this purgatory is kind of killing me too

 

sorry for the long post. insight from those who have been involved with such people appreciated.

 

Since you are a qualified therapist, I suggest sitting in the "other chair" for a bit and listening to all you've described above. What would you tell the conflicted client you see in that chair?

 

As a qualified therapist, I doubt very much you would encourage them to continue this relationship given the history.

 

I also doubt very much that giving a client a diagnosis about their love interests, is less than a professional nor useful tool for a "layman". While you are not a layman, you are too close to the situation and I recommend you step back and become much more objective in your evaluation of your situation.

 

He is the very definition of an intermediate level secret schizoid

 

He prefers to spend his time alone. He has difficulty with outward emotion -- which is part of a number of other "disorders" and the likelihood of corbidity is very high which means you are untangling a bigger ball of yarn.

 

Since you are a qualified therapist, you also know that schizoid clients have been the way they are since childhood and so the likelihood of "improvement" is very slim without therapy and will take many, many years of therapy. If there is an SO, that SO will need to put all of their own needs on "hold" or simply not rely on their partner for having their emotional needs met and so will be operating in a "vacuum" for the most part while the partner is working on their disordered behavior. The SO of a schizoid or schizotypal person often lives a very lonely life even though they have an SO. There a "blips" of connectedness, but they are short-lived and the partner actually lives for the "highs" instead of focusing on the fact that the majority of the time they are miserable. It's actually a co-dependent relationship.

 

It is also not recommended to attempt to be partner's therapist . . . a qualified therapist would strongly encourage the partner to seek therapy from an outside source and will step back from the situation until that happens.

 

You are too close to this situation -- you aren't seeing the forest for the trees even though you should have a very broad and objective view . . ..