Is throwing the other woman under the bus common after the affair is found out?

[Whoknew30]

It's not though. If you know someone is married then you know they're cheating and therefore that they are a liar. So it's actually not the same at all.[/quote

 

It is if the BS reconciles. They're putting their trust into a known liar...can you logically explain how it's different? Once a bs knows their spouse cheated & stays with them...how is it different from that point? Bc there's emotion, there is on both sides.

 

I'm BS & I think it's the same thing.

[DKT3]

It's not though. If you know someone is married then you know they're cheating and therefore that they are a liar. So it's actually not the same at all.[/quote

 

It is if the BS reconciles. They're putting their trust into a known liar...can you logically explain how it's different? Once a bs knows their spouse cheated & stays with them...how is it different from that point? Bc there's emotion, there is on both sides.

 

I'm BS & I think it's the same thing.

You are also a WS

 

My relationship with my wife wasnt based on lies and deceit, it never grew from the pain of others that is a he difference.

[Whoknew30]

This sounds like a bunch of dribble to me. I mean come on, a woman who gets involved with a married man isn't a victim or someone who earned or even deserves empathy from anyone. Him lying is a given, he is cheating on his wife.[/quote

 

Who decides how empathy is handled? Or if it's "deserved"? If a married person is saying their marriage is over & they love you...how does a AP know it's a lie? A BS will truly never know every conversation their WS had with AP. I talked to the OW for a long time & knowing my H, I knew she wasn't lying to me. By showing her empathy I got the truth. I didn't have to sit & only look to my lying WS for the truth. So wether or not by it was by "your"'standards of someone deserving empathy...it worked for me For better than anger & hate.

 

Also with empathy I got the full explanation to why my H had the A...if I had flipped, who knows what the outcome would have been & you know it was her closure too. Had I been the "crazy" wife, she would have still believed everything he said about me & would have been in the mind set of many AP that post in the OM/OW section...I gave her the respect to listen to her & let her get it out. She told me thank you.

 

This thread was about WS throwing AP under he bus & how they feel. Not every OM/OW is some awful evil person...just as not every WS is either. Some of the people I love the most were cheaters & even though their actions were wrong, they weren't evil bad people...many of them just handle their issues negatively...I didn't forget that why I was speaking to her.

[Whoknew30]

You are also a WS

 

My relationship with my wife wasnt based on lies and deceit, it never grew from the pain of others that is a he difference.

 

No, you just weren't around (according to you) & not even taking her into account when you bought a car. I've been with my H since 15 & married to him as a teen & he was doing the same things to me...so there may have been no lies but your marriage was based on disrespect. So my marriage under some of the same circumstance turned into deceit, just as yours did.

[wmacbride]

I guess I haven't seen many threads like that. I don't understand how someone would get that there's a secret message in those words but maybe that's just me.

 

There are lots that say the mm/mw is only acting the way the do after the A is uncovered because the bs has hem on some sort of lock down, the goodbye letter is only written to placate the bs but the mm/mw doesn't really mean it, etc.

I'm not saying everyone thinks this, but there are certainly those who do.

[aileD]

There are lots that say the mm/mw is only acting the way the do after the A is uncovered because the bs has hem on some sort of lock down, the goodbye letter is only written to placate the bs but the mm/mw doesn't really mean it, etc.

I'm not saying everyone thinks this, but there are certainly those who do.

 

I actually have a VAR recording of my H coming home one time to me after I told him I was done and there was no use staying married if he was sleeping st his OW house every night. And that we would have to find a time to sit down with the kids and tell them we were getting divorced.

 

He left her immediately- middle of night and came back. Told me this whole story about OW had lied to him and slept with her previous MM recently and then lied to him about it. And how he could not be with someone like that.

 

It was HIM who said to me "if you take me back I will do those things:"

 

They were -

 

Write a no contact letter and let me approve it

Email the letter to her but also read it on a voice recording in an app they use so she can hear him say it and know it came from him

Stop all contact with her immediately

Quit his job to get away from the area she lives in

Start immediate counseling

 

That was ALL him. And he did the first three of them and of course the poor girl thought that he was being forced into it by me.

[Timshel]

 

He left her immediately- middle of night and came back. Told me this whole story about OW had lied to him and slept with her previous MM recently and then lied to him about it. And how he could not be with someone like that.

 

Ughh Sweet aileD, your husband does not deserve you. He is more on her level than yours.

 

He was with someone like that and he is someone like that. Sigh..you two are in R, so wishing you and the kids well.

[Midwestmissy]

I also think that the reason the affair is often covered up and lied about is because at the end of the day, the mm knows that he doesn't want to lose his marriage. It's stupid thinking, obviously, but a man who wants out is going to leave, not lie and cover up. If he doesn't care about his family, he would just come out with it and get it over with. It's not logical or kind or mature or sexy or manly. It's selfish and cruel. But married people leave marriages everyday without cheating. I know a mm who told his ow for 18 mos he was leaving. Then dday happened, the door was open, the opportunity was there to run and be with the ow and he ended the affair. It's quite an absurd small bubble to live in.

 

Having said that, I think the whole thing is just cowardly. My wh wasn't special to the mow, she was just looking for the next mm who'd say yes. Unfortunately for me, I wasn't married to one who said no. Those are the real gems. It's humiliating to me and to my wh that that's who he was. For someone who didn't want out of his marriage and didn't love the mow, he behaved horribly and made decision after decision that put me and the kids and his business and a lot of people at risk. But with each decision he told the mow he was never going to leave me, so he thought it was a "better" and less damaging affair. Which goes to show how messed up cheaters are. Like he was controlling every possible outcome. Which in the end, he wasn't.

[ChickiePops]

I just don't understand why someone who knowingly enters into an affair with a married person thinks they deserve any kindness whatsoever from the married persons spouse and I suppose I never will.

 

I don't understand why an AP would expect the WS to fall on the sword for them either. AP chose to participate in an affair. Unless you're the most naive person on the planet, you knew what the risks were (this is undeniable..nobody can say that they thought the BS would just smilingly hand over their spouse to you and wish you luck).

 

And besides, why does the AP care what the BS thinks of her anyway? Why do you care if they throw you under the bus? Genuine question.

[Jersey born raised]

Who is the other person*

 

There are moments in a persons life that transcends time. That emotion on the day of and day after their wedding, the birth of a child and that first moment me holding the child. They inform us, they are not what makes life worth living, they are life.

 

In the same way, adultery has transformed me. The echoes of the uncertainties and raw emotional pain will always be a part of me. Overtime it has and continues to evolve into a source of empathy. The empathy that enables me to understand others pain and fear, both in matters like this and others.*

 

*posm and those who enable are not nice people. They had a choice to support *your marriage. *They could have helped your spouse to fight and win to save your marriage. They choose to use the opportunity to try to fill a void in their life. In doing so they choose to inflict the pain and loss I wrote above.*

 

Understand they choose to be the one. * They choose to enable. To say "if not him, then..." does not work. They *choose it to be them and no one else. In this they *are *lacking in character. So, they could be a fine person, *but so are addicts until they need a fix.

 

So what is, is. I have gained acceptance, I have greatly healed. I have gain empathy and awareness, and a great deal of indifference. It is from indifference I say "no they are not a nice person". *It is from the same place I would comment on a persons second DUI. No when a person allows there own weakness to create actual harm or create a real threat of harm, they cannot be truly be considered a nice person

[Whoknew30]

I just don't understand why someone who knowingly enters into an affair with a married person thinks they deserve any kindness whatsoever from the married persons spouse and I suppose I never will.

 

I don't understand why an AP would expect the WS to fall on the sword for them either. AP chose to participate in an affair. Unless you're the most naive person on the planet, you knew what the risks were (this is undeniable..nobody can say that they thought the BS would just smilingly hand over their spouse to you and wish you luck).

 

And besides, why does the AP care what the BS thinks of her anyway? Why do you care if they throw you under the bus? Genuine question.

 

A BS doesn't have the power to "hand over" anyone...marriage isn't ownership over your spouse. If a BS had that much power an A wouldn't of happened in the first place. Also why would a BS put themselves in a position to fight over their WS? I'll fight for my family but never over my H...if i was put in that position I'd happily wave goodbye.

 

I don't think an AP thinks they're owed anything but to be treated like a human. There are exceptions to the rules but most AP aren't some evil non human beings.

 

I also don't think they "care" about what BS think about them per-say, it's more when the BS behaves as if their WS had no control & it's all the AP fault. Same the other way around...I didn't care what "she" thought about me, it was more giving each other closure on what happened & what the whole real truth was...if it had not been for that conversation, I may not have had the whole truth. How can a BS really know the whole truth about the relationship if you only hear one side?

 

I've read how many posts from BS "I'll never know the whole truth" "I'll always wonder about this or that"...I do know the whole truth & never have to wonder...made things so much better for our marriage in the long run.

[aileD]

Ughh Sweet aileD, your husband does not deserve you. He is more on her level than yours.

 

He was with someone like that and he is someone like that. Sigh..you two are in R, so wishing you and the kids well.

 

Yes I know. That was not lost on me (or him actually) at the time it was said. Yes we are working on a lot of things....

[elaine567]

How can a BS really know the whole truth about the relationship if you only hear one side?

 

 

Agreed, but it seems to many BSs, the "reformed" and in "reconciliation" WS now tells "the truth", so they do not need the AP's version.

To cynical old me, that sounds like madness.

But it is understandable, on some level.

[Whoknew30]

Agreed, but it seems to many BSs, the "reformed" and in "reconciliation" WS now tells "the truth", so they do not need the AP's version.

To cynical old me, that sounds like madness.

But it is understandable, on some level.

 

How would a BS know a WS is telling the whole truth? Once again they're dealing with a known manipulative liar. IMO when a WS confesses they are more apt to tell the truth...if caught, it's a whole different thing & ive dealt with both. I confessed & my H was caught. There's no way I would have known the whole truth unless I spoke to her. Which made it better bc then the option of lying was taken from him.

[Whoknew30]

Yes I know. That was not lost on me (or him actually) at the time it was said. Yes we are working on a lot of things....

 

If it wasn't lost on him, he wouldn't have done it more than once. If you really want to reconcile, god bless but since you were under false reconciliation before...how do you know it's not false this time? Honest question...why do you keep fighting over a man that has zero respect for you & your kids?

[aileD]

If it wasn't lost on him, he wouldn't have done it more than once. If you really want to reconcile, god bless but since you were under false reconciliation before...how do you know it's not false this time? Honest question...why do you keep fighting over a man that has zero respect for you & your kids?

 

Because everything in our life is not on the internet or this forum and no one here knows me or him or everything.

 

Actions are speaking louder than just words this time. We will see How it goes, there hasn't been change before there is drastic change now

 

No one is perfect, we are all flawed. As long as there is change and healing and forward progress, I will still want to work on our marriage .

 

My husband has done some awful things but he is not an awful person.

[DKT3]

How would a BS know a WS is telling the whole truth? Once again they're dealing with a known manipulative liar. IMO when a WS confesses they are more apt to tell the truth...if caught, it's a whole different thing & ive dealt with both. I confessed & my H was caught. There's no way I would have known the whole truth unless I spoke to her. Which made it better bc then the option of lying was taken from him.

 

And you still don't know, only what she said that adds up with what he said, doesn't mean there isn't things they both omitted. I would assure you that you don't know everything.

 

Besides for me knowing everything is not important, only that I'm comfortable moving forward with her.

[Whoknew30]

And you still don't know, only what she said that adds up with what he said, doesn't mean there isn't things they both omitted. I would assure you that you don't know everything.

 

Besides for me knowing everything is not important, only that I'm comfortable moving forward with her.

 

I know...by treating her with empathy, she opened up & in turn my H being in a position where lying wasn't an option...he had the biggest emotional breakdown. Everything came out of him, not just about the A but everything that let up to it. Then I came out with everything also, it was a whole 48 hours him & I, in a room just getting absolutely everything out from our whole relationship. That 48 hours felt like a rebirth & we also went to MC to continue in the right direction. Our son was also conceived in that same 48 hours...

 

The point, none of that would have happened (in that way) if I had not showed OW empathy. We reconciled, got ALL issues out in the open, & conceived another child (after 4 years of trying for another). She walked away feeling like a human. In a weird way, it was a blessing in the long run. Was it hard going through...absolutely! Wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy but I believe it's not what happens to you in life that really matters, it's how you respond is what's more important.

[ChickiePops]

A BS doesn't have the power to "hand over" anyone...marriage isn't ownership over your spouse. If a BS had that much power an A wouldn't of happened in the first place. Also why would a BS put themselves in a position to fight over their WS? I'll fight for my family but never over my H...if i was put in that position I'd happily wave goodbye.

 

I don't think an AP thinks they're owed anything but to be treated like a human. There are exceptions to the rules but most AP aren't some evil non human beings.

 

I also don't think they "care" about what BS think about them per-say, it's more when the BS behaves as if their WS had no control & it's all the AP fault. Same the other way around...I didn't care what "she" thought about me, it was more giving each other closure on what happened & what the whole real truth was...if it had not been for that conversation, I may not have had the whole truth. How can a BS really know the whole truth about the relationship if you only hear one side?

 

I've read how many posts from BS "I'll never know the whole truth" "I'll always wonder about this or that"...I do know the whole truth & never have to wonder...made things so much better for our marriage in the long run.

 

Oh please, you know what I meant by 'hand over'.

 

Nobody said that APs aren't human but treat others as you want to be treated. If you had treated his marriage with respect, you wouldn't be disrespected in return. BSs are human too and it's basic human decency to keep your legs closed around other people's partners. You may not have made vows to his wife but you are knowingly and deliberately participating in hurting another person for your own selfish reasons. You want to be treated like a human man being? Ok..act like one.

 

It's none of your business what happens in their marriage once you've been dumped. Neither the MM nor his wife owes you anything after that. Concentrate on fixing your own life rather than on his.

[Midwestmissy]

You get what you give. If you crap in someone's marriage, don't be incredulous when you're treated less than kindly. I don't know why this is difficult to understand. You will be treated as well as you've treated others. I'm not a saint. So don't expect me to suddenly don a halo and embrace your human faults when you eff with me and my family. If that's how you wanted to be treated, then you should have offered that by not sleeping with a married man.

[Timshel]

Its not sleeping with...it's swapping all kinds of body fluid. Sweat, touch, passion, lips, boners, spread legs and every kind of what you do not get at home.

 

Make no mistake and let's not dress it up pretty to be palatable, the reason emotions run so high in affairs are for sex/passion. That is why the OW falls in love and the MM 'can't help himself.' SEX, passionate, wet/wild SEX.

 

There is not sleeping going on, that happens at home....after the kids and/or when the OW becomes more like the wife.

[Timshel]

I will explain once, to have congruity in my posts.

 

My ex husband and the father of my children cheated on me while I was on bed rest in hospital with placenta accreta.

I knew after I came home and all the phone calls after hours from a woman he worked with.

I have no threshold for bs or fluid swapping, filed for divorce and got on with my life.

 

I met my husband and found out what love is really about....effortless. Unfortunately, he passed from cancer.

 

Almost three yrs. after my husband died, I met G and we have been together for a year and 1/2. He has defied my every effort and logic to have him go away....I love and respect him.

 

Bringing this back to the OP and in an effort to explain my bias, I think that the only time an OW is thrown under the bus/dumped; is because she was wet and willing. Sorry OW.

 

A man who loves you will be with you...it is this simple. There are MM who leave their wives for another woman and they do it in short order.

 

The MM who throw the OW under the bus don't love or even like the OW, I think that's the truth.

[Whoknew30]

Oh please, you know what I meant by 'hand over'.

 

Nobody said that APs aren't human but treat others as you want to be treated. If you had treated his marriage with respect, you wouldn't be disrespected in return. BSs are human too and it's basic human decency to keep your legs closed around other people's partners. You may not have made vows to his wife but you are knowingly and deliberately participating in hurting another person for your own selfish reasons. You want to be treated like a human man being? Ok..act like one.

 

It's none of your business what happens in their marriage once you've been dumped. Neither the MM nor his wife owes you anything after that. Concentrate on fixing your own life rather than on his.

 

 

I believe in blame where it should be...my H fault 100%...same with your situation...would have never been OW if your spouse kept it in his pants. He failed you...no one else made you a promise in life but him.

 

I watched my mother & my aunts blame OW all day but forgive their H & honestly it still till this day makes me sick. Husband gets away with it...the one that lied to both women, got to have sex with both women & gets to stay with wife & they were ok with that bc it would have never happened if OW kept her legs closed (sound familiar) like the men had no control over themselves! To hear this as a little girl & I'm talking about as young as 5 knowing it was the OW fault, it was their WH's fault!

 

H gets his life back with no "real" consequences & even get celebrated for coming a long way...it just makes my skin crawl.

 

It killed my H that I wouldn't allow that & that I talked to her on & off the whole DDay...I couldn't allow his mistake to be pawned off on anyone else! Marilynn Monroe should be able to sit in front of a married man naked & he should just walk away.

 

We just disagree, i believe it's the person you're married to fault a 100%...where it does get different, if it's a friend. In that case I would have divorced.

[purplesorrow]

I believe in blame where it should be...my H fault 100%...same with your situation...would have never been OW if your spouse kept it in his pants. He failed you...no one else made you a promise in life but him.

 

I watched my mother & my aunts blame OW all day but forgive their H & honestly it still till this day makes me sick. Husband gets away with it...the one that lied to both women, got to have sex with both women & gets to stay with wife & they were ok with that bc it would have never happened if OW kept her legs closed (sound familiar) like the men had no control over themselves! To hear this as a little girl & I'm talking about as young as 5 knowing it was the OW fault, it was their WH's fault!

 

H gets his life back with no "real" consequences & even get celebrated for coming a long way...it just makes my skin crawl.

 

It killed my H that I wouldn't allow that & that I talked to her on & off the whole DDay...I couldn't allow his mistake to be pawned off on anyone else! Marilynn Monroe should be able to sit in front of a married man naked & he should just walk away.

 

We just disagree, i believe it's the person you're married to fault a 100%...where it does get different, if it's a friend. In that case I would have divorced.

 

How is your outcome different from your mother's? Your h had an affair and got to stay in the marriage.

[wmacbride]

A BS doesn't have the power to "hand over" anyone...marriage isn't ownership over your spouse. If a BS had that much power an A wouldn't of happened in the first place. Also why would a BS put themselves in a position to fight over their WS? I'll fight for my family but never over my H...if i was put in that position I'd happily wave goodbye.

 

I don't think an AP thinks they're owed anything but to be treated like a human. There are exceptions to the rules but most AP aren't some evil non human beings.

 

I also don't think they "care" about what BS think about them per-say, it's more when the BS behaves as if their WS had no control & it's all the AP fault. Same the other way around...I didn't care what "she" thought about me, it was more giving each other closure on what happened & what the whole real truth was...if it had not been for that conversation, I may not have had the whole truth. How can a BS really know the whole truth about the relationship if you only hear one side?

 

I've read how many posts from BS "I'll never know the whole truth" "I'll always wonder about this or that"...I do know the whole truth & never have to wonder...made things so much better for our marriage in the long run.

 

No bs will ever know the whole truth. That simply isn't possible. Most ow/om will tell you their biased view of the A, which is a very human thing to do. hat else could be expected?

 

I am glad that what you did worked for you and our particular situation.

 

My personal view is that a bs has to find a way forward from the A that works for them. They know their life and the factors involved, and they also know how to assign responsibility that works for them. Whether or not that works for the ow/om is not relevant, as they are no longer involved in the situation. I know that sounds harsh, but it's true.

 

Part of the social contract is to not knowingly hurt others unless one absolutely has to. The ow/om ignored that social contract,and really, the reasons don't matter. Unless the mm/mw outright lied and said "I am single", then they knew they were married, and all the excuses in the world won't change that. All the empathy for the bs, kids, and other collateral damage are irrelevant, as it wasn't enough to stop the A. Blaming the mm/mw for the affair also won't change anything, as the om/ow knew they were getting involved with a mp. All the tears and indignation won't change that.

 

This goes back to a point I made before. During the A, the bs, the kids, extended family and anyone else who will be hurt by the A is thrown under the bus by both the ow/om and mm/mw. Their feelings don;t really matter,as if they did, the A wouldn't happen in the first place. It's really difficult to fathom why, after all of that, the ow/om is surprised when that same bus backs up and runs them over.

 

I don't like seeing anyone hurt. I tried to be kind to my H's ex-ow,and treat her the way I would want to have been treated, but she took that and twisted it into something really bizarre. I finally realized that, in the vein of treating her the way I would want to be treated, I needed to hold her accountable for her own actions and choices, just as I would do myself, and just as I expected my former ws to do for himself as well.