Is throwing the other woman under the bus common after the affair is found out?

November 5, 2016

Of course he threw her under the bus.
By sending a cold text to tell her to NEVER contact him again and ignoring any questions she had after the break up, was completely heartless if looked at objectively.
WE know why he did it because he had a wife breathing down his neck and he needed to save his own skin, but it doesn't make it right really does it?
If a guy after a ONS or a brief fling, or after a few months dating or after a LTR, told a woman to NEVER contact him again by one cold text, we would think he was a cad and a bounder, I do not really see much difference here.

I can see from the BWs POV, he "did the right thing" in cutting off the terrible woman that ruined her marriage, but from an objective and humane POV, it all sounds a bit callous.

First, I wasn't breathing down his neck to send the text. He ended the affair on his own. Second, I agree if you break up with someone you are in an actual relationship with via text you are a jerk. However, it wasn't a real relationship. The affair was based on smoke and mirrors. Third, I gave him the option to answer her questions. He decided not to because it was never going to change his answer. The answer to EVERY question was "I confessed and I can't see or speak to you anymore".

He didn't meet up with her so that she could try and change his mind. I disagree that it is callous.

ETA: You are right. He could have sent her a lovely text saying "I really enjoyed our time together. You were a great lay. However, now that my wife knows I can never speak to you again. I would rather stay married than continue our affair. (To me that seems like the worse option)>

Edited November 5, 2016 by Joie

November 5, 2016

First, I wasn't breathing down his neck to send the text. He ended the affair on his own. Second, I agree if you break up with someone you are in an actual relationship with via text you are a jerk. However, it wasn't a real relationship. The affair was based on smoke and mirrors. Third, I gave him the option to answer her questions. He decided not to because it was never going to change his answer. The answer to EVERY question was "I confessed and I can't see or speak to you anymore".

He didn't meet up with her so that she could try and change his mind. I disagree that it is callous.

ETA: You are right. He could have sent her a lovely text saying "I really enjoyed our time together. You were a great lay. However, now that my wife knows I can never speak to you again. I would rather stay married than continue our affair. (To me that seems like the worse option)>

Anytime someone is having sex & conversation that's a "real" type of relationship...wether healthy or not, it's real. If the A relationship isn't real, then the hurt from it wouldn't be either. The only way something isn't real if it ceases to exist, if it exists/existed it's real.

Elaine...it is cold but on the other end, after a hard time. The OW gets to move on & use her experience to find a man that wouldn't do that, it's a blessing in disguise really, after the hurt of the breakup goes away. My H OW found a dorky good guy & just married & built a house. I'm happy for her, she used what my H did to her as a positive to change her life. Any break up is hard but you have to see your worth as a woman. Do you really want to deal with a man like that forever? Sometimes AP don't see they have it so much easier. They get to just walk away without cleaning the mess. I wish I could have traded places with our AP bc of that. They both moved on & married good people & have good lives too.

November 5, 2016

ETA: You are right. He could have sent her a lovely text saying "I really enjoyed our time together. You were a great lay. However, now that my wife knows I can never speak to you again. I would rather stay married than continue our affair. (To me that seems like the worse option)>

Im not sure the above is lovey. Lol

For me, it wasn't the fact that NC was initiated. It was the things he said in the letter itself. It was after 2.5 years he said he didn't love me when no more than 24 hours earlier, he said he did love me. It was the cold callousness of the letter that held a huge undercurrent of anger. The fact that the letter almost felt like a lecture that wasn't necessary. it was the fact that he said he didn't even want to contact me to tell me not to contact him but felt that it was needed for "closure". That I was now a part of his past he wished never happened. After such a long affair, that letter left me feeling confused and completely used. It left me feeling broken. Most of what he said was completely unnecessary and beyond hurtful, maybe that was for the benefit of his wife. Maybe he meant every word. I'll never know. In the end, I would've done much better with a simple "I love my wife and our affair has hurt her deeply. I've told her the truth and am committed to reconciling my marriage. This will be my last contact to you and I ask that you show the same respect to me and my family and don't contact me again." That would have given me closure. It's to the point, it's not lovey, it doesn't leave the door open, and sure as h*ll isn't purposely hurtful. As I've said before the end of the affair needed to happen. It was the manner in which he ended it that felt like he was rubbing salt in the wound.

I know as an OW/OM who interfered in someone's else's marriage it's often viewed that we don't deserve to be treated with human decency. Despite our poor choices, we still have feelings and we still hurt. I don't know, maybe we do deserve the hurt for what we did and the cold words that we get from our exAP's in the end because of our actions.

Edited November 5, 2016 by Lillyp32

November 5, 2016

Honestly, bc by the BW usually believes it & then the AP is not only dumped but now knows he's a real liar...it's all unveiled at once. Though a AP wether man or woman should look at it for what it really is...they get to walk away scot free from a piece of @hit & move on with their life (in that circumstance). That's how I would look at it if I was OW...who she's upset over is really no prize to be won.

But the OW already knows he's a liar. Affairs are built on lies..you cannot have one without the married person or people doing some lying. Why on earth would anyone think that a liar would single them out as the one person in their lives that doesn't get lied to? That's just silliness.

The OW in my case didn't need to be thrown under the bus. She was legitimately insane and the Los Angeles police department threw her under the bus for me.

November 5, 2016

Im not sure the above is lovey. Lol

For me, it wasn't the fact that NC was initiated. It was the things he said in the letter itself. It was after 2.5 years he said he didn't love me when no more than 24 hours earlier, he said he did love me. It was the cold callousness of the letter that held a huge undercurrent of anger. The fact that the letter almost felt like a lecture that wasn't necessary. it was the fact that he said he didn't even want to contact me to tell me not to contact him but felt that it was needed for "closure". That I was now a part of his past he wished never happened. After such a long affair, that letter left me feeling confused and completely used. It left me feeling broken. Most of what he said was completely unnecessary and beyond hurtful, maybe that was for the benefit of his wife. Maybe he meant every word. I'll never know. In the end, I would've done much better with a simple "I love my wife and our affair has hurt her deeply. I've told her the truth and am committed to reconciling my marriage. This will be my last contact to you and I ask that you show the same respect to me and my family and don't contact me again." That would have given me closure. It's to the point, it's not lovey, it doesn't leave the door open, and sure as h*ll isn't purposely hurtful. As I've said before the end of the affair needed to happen. It was the manner in which he ended it that felt like he was rubbing salt in the wound.

I know as an OW/OM who interfered in someone's else's marriage it's often viewed that we don't deserve to be treated with human decency. Despite our poor choices, we still have feelings and we still hurt. I don't know, maybe we do deserve the hurt for what we did and the cold words that we get from our exAP's in the end because of our actions.

You didn't think about his wife's feelings when you were sneaking around with her husband. You didn't show her any human decency..why do you deserve it when she didn't?

November 5, 2016

You didn't think about his wife's feelings when you were sneaking around with her husband. You didn't show her any human decency..why do you deserve it when she didn't?

This is true and why I ended my post with this;

I don't know, maybe we do deserve the hurt for what we did and the cold words that we get from our exAP's in the end because of our actions.

November 5, 2016

Hurt that the affair is over is NOT the same thing as being thrown under the bus.

I believe that the exOW is hurt that the affair is over. I also believe that she wishes that it ended different. I am sure she can think of a million ways that she believes it could have ended better. The truth is that no matter how it ended she was going to be upset. My husband did hurt her by ending it. But he didn't do it in a mean manner, he didn't say anything bad about her, and he didn't blame her.

Her hurt is because it is over not the way he ended it. IMO>

November 5, 2016

But the OW already knows he's a liar. Affairs are built on lies..you cannot have one without the married person or people doing some lying. Why on earth would anyone think that a liar would single them out as the one person in their lives that doesn't get lied to? That's just silliness.

The OW in my case didn't need to be thrown under the bus. She was legitimately insane and the Los Angeles police department threw her under the bus for me.

It goes both ways...if reconciled the BS is saying they think their known liar of a spouse is now "changed"...so they'd also. E believing a known liar again.

November 5, 2016

You didn't think about his wife's feelings when you were sneaking around with her husband. You didn't show her any human decency..why do you deserve it when she didn't?

Agreed but once again, how can a BS show their WS decency but not the OW?

November 5, 2016

Hurt that the affair is over is NOT the same thing as being thrown under the bus.

I believe that the exOW is hurt that the affair is over. I also believe that she wishes that it ended different. I am sure she can think of a million ways that she believes it could have ended better. The truth is that no matter how it ended she was going to be upset. My husband did hurt her by ending it. But he didn't do it in a mean manner, he didn't say anything bad about her, and he didn't blame her.

Her hurt is because it is over not the way he ended it. IMO>

Yes, I agree that's not the same as being thrown under the bus unless she was future faked and then dumped. I could see her feeling thrown under the bus then.

November 5, 2016

Agreed but once again, how can a BS show their WS decency but not the OW?

That's simple. It's because the OW is viewed as the evil horrible person who broke the marriage. It's easier to put all the blame on the OW and not the wayward you're reconciling with.

Most BS will say that the OW should have known that since the MM was having an A that everything he said to her during the affair was a lie. When it's over though, the BS will believe what their wayward says about their AP and their affair.

I personally put a lot of blame on the OW and downright hated her when my husband LTA was first discovered. After I calmed down a bit, I felt empathy for her. All her texts and emails to him after dday was coming from a place of pain. He hurt us both. Yes she knew he was married but that doesnt dismiss her pain. A month after dday I reached out to her and had a heart to heart. Guess what happened. I found out she wasn't an evil woman. She was hurting and grieving as I was. She apologized for her part in my pain, I apologized for my husband's role in her pain and she never contacted him again. Maybe she just needed her pain to be acknowledged so she could have closure and move on. Either way, I have no ill feeling towards her and hope that she has found happiness in her life.

November 5, 2016

That's simple. It's because the OW is viewed as the evil horrible person who broke the marriage. It's easier to put all the blame on the OW and not the wayward you're reconciling with.

Most BS will say that the OW should have known that since the MM was having an A that everything he said to her during the affair was a lie. When it's over though, the BS will believe what their wayward says about their AP and their affair.

I personally put a lot of blame on the OW and downright hated her when my husband LTA was first discovered. After I calmed down a bit, I felt empathy for her. All her texts and emails to him after dday was coming from a place of pain. He hurt us both. Yes she knew he was married but that doesnt dismiss her pain. A month after dday I reached out to her and had a heart to heart. Guess what happened. I found out she wasn't an evil woman. She was hurting and grieving as I was. She apologized for her part in my pain, I apologized for my husband's role in her pain and she never contacted him again. Maybe she just needed her pain to be acknowledged so she could have closure and move on. Either way, I have no ill feeling towards her and hope that she has found happiness in her life.

Exactly! Same here...though my heart to heart was the same day as his DDay. He fell asleep drunk on the phone & knowing he's not a "phone" thought it was weird. Grabbed his phone & called the last number. She answered & to be honest it 5am & i had been drinking too, i yelled a nasty word but then caught myself & told her I was sorry. We talked for hours as my H slept. Everything she said made sense & I knew she wasn't lying to me about anything. Needless to say, he didn't have a good morning the next day.

I was ashamed of my H at first bc of his reaction towards her...it made me more sick to my stomach than the actual affair bc (at that time) bc his reaction seemed so disrespectful towards women as a whole...he wasn't respecting me nor the woman he choose to bring into our life. Just really grossed me out.

November 5, 2016

Hi WhoKnew,

If they do it to others, they will do it to you. I avoid people who knife people (particularly to there friends) as I know the second I am not around I'm next up on the cutting board.

November 5, 2016

It goes both ways...if reconciled the BS is saying they think their known liar of a spouse is now "changed"...so they'd also. E believing a known liar again.

Yup. But that's not even remotely the point of what was being said.

November 5, 2016

Agreed but once again, how can a BS show their WS decency but not the OW?

Who cares? The relationship between a husband and wife is none of the OWs business, especially if they reconcile after an affair. The relationship between a husband and someone else however, is absolutely his wife's business.

The BS has no relationship with the OW. The OW to a betrayed wife is just some immoral stranger (or in some cases, a false friend) who spread her legs for a man who courted them, proposed to them, maybe impregnated them, loves them, and shares a life with them.

Are you honestly telling me that if I slept with your husband, you wouldn't hate me? Because I call total bs on that.

November 5, 2016

Agreed. She's not treated well because she was not brought into the marriage with the bs knowledge. I have loved my wh since I was 18. She was an employee who awkwardly showed up alone at family functions. I thought she was an oddball with poor social skills and bad professional boundaries (why was she with our family & not her own on Saturday afternoon?). Her intrusion into my life was not something I would have ever chosen.

November 5, 2016

Agreed but once again, how can a BS show their WS decency but not the OW?

Why show her what she didn't show me? She had opportunity to correct a lie she told and didn't. My ex has been in ic 3 years and made a lot of effort to change and make amends. The ow is on her 3rd mm since my ex, not much change there.

November 5, 2016

Yup. But that's not even remotely the point of what was being said.

You askedwhy would other woman would be shocked he lied & it's no different than a BS...& I was pointing out it's not that much a different logic vs a bs taking their WS back thinking they won't lie to them again...so you can understand the other side, the logic is the same in both situations.

November 5, 2016

Im not sure the above is lovey. Lol

For me, it wasn't the fact that NC was initiated. It was the things he said in the letter itself. It was after 2.5 years he said he didn't love me when no more than 24 hours earlier, he said he did love me. It was the cold callousness of the letter that held a huge undercurrent of anger. The fact that the letter almost felt like a lecture that wasn't necessary. it was the fact that he said he didn't even want to contact me to tell me not to contact him but felt that it was needed for "closure". That I was now a part of his past he wished never happened. After such a long affair, that letter left me feeling confused and completely used. It left me feeling broken. Most of what he said was completely unnecessary and beyond hurtful, maybe that was for the benefit of his wife. Maybe he meant every word. I'll never know. In the end, I would've done much better with a simple "I love my wife and our affair has hurt her deeply. I've told her the truth and am committed to reconciling my marriage. This will be my last contact to you and I ask that you show the same respect to me and my family and don't contact me again." That would have given me closure. It's to the point, it's not lovey, it doesn't leave the door open, and sure as h*ll isn't purposely hurtful. As I've said before the end of the affair needed to happen. It was the manner in which he ended it that felt like he was rubbing salt in the wound.

I know as an OW/OM who interfered in someone's else's marriage it's often viewed that we don't deserve to be treated with human decency. Despite our poor choices, we still have feelings and we still hurt. I don't know, maybe we do deserve the hurt for what we did and the cold words that we get from our exAP's in the end because of our actions.

I understand what you are getting at,and in an ideal world, this letter would be sent, and the ow,while she might feel heartbroken, would not feel diminished as a person.

the problem is that might work for many, but there are those whom just take this as some sort of weird coded message for " i love you, I still want to be with you,by my big, bad wife won;t let me out to be with you. Just keep waiting, and our day will come". Just read the threads where that view is espoused that have posted over the years in some form or another.

Some may view a need to be cold because they are afraid of a more respectfully worded "Dear Jane" letter might be seen as having a far deeper meaning.

I'm not saying it's a positive thing to do, or that I think it's okay. I think it's cruel, but maybe a mm/mw wouldn't see it that way.

added- My former ws and myself both tried the kinder version. It didn't work, and made things even weirder.

November 5, 2016

Who cares? The relationship between a husband and wife is none of the OWs business, especially if they reconcile after an affair. The relationship between a husband and someone else however, is absolutely his wife's business.

The BS has no relationship with the OW. The OW to a betrayed wife is just some immoral stranger (or in some cases, a false friend) who spread her legs for a man who courted them, proposed to them, maybe impregnated them, loves them, and shares a life with them.

Are you honestly telling me that if I slept with your husband, you wouldn't hate me? Because I call total bs on that.

My H had OW & i spoke to her for hours before I confronted my H & DO NOT have one once of discord for her. I married him, not her. He came home & lied to me, not her. He stood up at the alter with me not her. The reality is the most beautiful woman in creation should be able to walk in front of your spouse & it should be no...so if it happens again then what? How many people is one willing to hate? I read on here BS having multiple ddays & they're still with their WS blaming everyone else bc they not putting full attention on their H...not to mention I watched BW's WHOLE life & saw things that I promised myself I wouldn't sink to...my mom as a BS multiple times over has told me she wish she would have handled it the way i did bc her reaction actually affected us kids more than my dad's cheating...she became so hateful.

I placed a 100% blame on my H & made the ow a non factor. She holds no power & never did, my H had the power with in our marriage & failed. If it happened again, I'd be out & same would go as now...no hate, just done.

When you hate someone they hold power over you, they're in your head..they're inside you. Indifference & forgiveness is such a better place to be.

I'm not saying be their best friend...but i did treat OW with respect & honestly can tell you, I've seen her out I haven't felt anything negative...even being 8 months pregnant & hormonal...still nothing bad, I actually laughed bc she ran at a festival & I felt bad for her. I don't want anyone to run away from me when they see me...doesn't make me feel good. It's over & I don't care.

Now if it's a crazy OW that's stalking or doing crazy stuff that's a different ball game. I also answered several posts in one.

November 5, 2016

Agreed but once again, how can a BS show their WS decency but not the OW?

Why on earth would an ow/om feel they were deserving of "decent" ( ?) treatment by the bs?

TBH, the only time I've ever heard that notion put on the table before is when the ow had zero emotional intelligence. Most have said they understand why the bs wouldn't want to do so.

November 5, 2016

I understand what you are getting at,and in an ideal world, this letter would be sent, and the ow,while she might feel heartbroken, would not feel diminished as a person.

the problem is that might work for many, but there are those whom just take this as some sort of weird coded message for " i love you, I still want to be with you,by my big, bad wife won;t let me out to be with you. Just keep waiting, and our day will come". Just read the threads where that view is espoused that have posted over the years in some form or another.

Some may view a need to be cold because they are afraid of a more respectfully worded "Dear Jane" letter might be seen as having a far deeper meaning.

I'm not saying it's a positive thing to do, or that I think it's okay. I think it's cruel, but maybe a mm/mw wouldn't see it that way.

added- My former ws and myself both tried the kinder version. It didn't work, and made things even weirder.

I guess I haven't seen many threads like that. I don't understand how someone would get that there's a secret message in those words but maybe that's just me.

November 6, 2016

My H had OW & i spoke to her for hours before I confronted my H & DO NOT have one once of discord for her. I married him, not her. He came home & lied to me, not her. He stood up at the alter with me not her. The reality is the most beautiful woman in creation should be able to walk in front of your spouse & it should be no...so if it happens again then what? How many people is one willing to hate? I read on here BS having multiple ddays & they're still with their WS blaming everyone else bc they not putting full attention on their H...not to mention I watched BW's WHOLE life & saw things that I promised myself I wouldn't sink to...my mom as a BS multiple times over has told me she wish she would have handled it the way i did bc her reaction actually affected us kids more than my dad's cheating...she became so hateful.

I placed a 100% blame on my H & made the ow a non factor. She holds no power & never did, my H had the power with in our marriage & failed. If it happened again, I'd be out & same would go as now...no hate, just done.
When you hate someone they hold power over you, they're in your head..they're inside you. Indifference & forgiveness is such a better place to be.

I'm not saying be their best friend...but i did treat OW with respect & honestly can tell you, I've seen her out I haven't felt anything negative...even being 8 months pregnant & hormonal...still nothing bad, I actually laughed bc she ran at a festival & I felt bad for her. I don't want anyone to run away from me when they see me...doesn't make me feel good. It's over & I don't care.

Now if it's a crazy OW that's stalking or doing crazy stuff that's a different ball game. I also answered several posts in one.

This sounds like a bunch of dribble to me. I mean come on, a woman who gets involved with a married man isn't a victim or someone who earned or even deserves empathy from anyone. Him lying is a given, he is cheating on his wife.

November 6, 2016

what does this thread have to do with dating? Shouldn't it be in the OW/OM section?

November 6, 2016

You askedwhy would other woman would be shocked he lied & it's no different than a BS...& I was pointing out it's not that much a different logic vs a bs taking their WS back thinking they won't lie to them again...so you can understand the other side, the logic is the same in both situations.

It's not though. If you know someone is married then you know they're cheating and therefore that they are a liar. So it's actually not the same at all.

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Is throwing the other woman under the bus common after the affair is found out?

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