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re-dating the ex 10 years later

saltyfishhead666

By saltyfishhead666
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saltyfishhead666 Established Member

saltyfishhead666

Posted
Posted (edited)

Ok I'm going to apologise in advance as this one will be a long one. Here is some back story.

 

When I was 18 my parent's kicked me out of home over a petty argument, I was left homeless, penny-less and I had no where to go. I went to a friends house around 6 hours away from home and slept on their sofa for a few months. This area is where I met Dan my ex. He is a soldier, and we began dating. I was 18 and he was 20. on weekends I was allowed to stay in his room at his base with him but not during the week. So we slept in his car the pair of us. He was ordered by his boss to have no contact with me yet ignored them which is a punishable offence in the military. Basically I took some money that wasn't mine from his dad and left. He assumed I was just going home to try and handle things however I never came back. I was ashamed of myself, and hurt and just really really alone. I loved the bones off him and him me. He went into deep depression after I left so I'm told and struggled greatly to come back from it.

 

I met my ex husband when i was 19 and we had our son (who is now about to be 9) however we ended it a good few years back because my husband is bisexual and wanted to investigate it.

 

 

Now today. I'm about to be 29 this month, Dan got in contact through facebook a couple of weeks ago and I think he was seeking probably an apology and an explanation which is what he got. We have been texting back and fourth ever since, numerous times a day. I'm older now. He has since been married had a child and is going through a divorce too so is very much open too dating in general.

 

So lastnight we went to grab dinner, very first time he's seen me in 10 years and it was interesting. He's always been very quiet in person and now has a bunch of walls up in regards to dating because of what I did when I was younger. Date went well, we chatted easily and I got thee biggest hug when he was leaving.

 

But when I got home, I realized something. I seem to be the one chasing him!!! Now I'm all about equality and back and fourth. But I feel like I am being fourth and not getting much back.

 

I think I feel like we owe it to ourselves to give it a proper chance now that we are older, I'm stable, I have a job and home things are entirely different now.

 

Can I turn this around? any advice? or shall I just walk away and leave it in the past with a bunch of awesome memories and some awful ones too...

 

I clearly need some advice here and as it's so complex and my friends are biased towards me and didn't know him from before that they wouldn't be the most accurate givers here :rolleyes:

Edited by mummyjonno
Sweetfish Established Member

Sweetfish

Posted
Posted
Ok I'm going to apologise in advance as this one will be a long one. Here is some back story.

 

When I was 18 my parent's kicked me out of home over a petty argument, I was left homeless, penny-less and I had no where to go. I went to a friends house around 6 hours away from home and slept on their sofa for a few months. This area is where I met Dan my ex. He is a soldier, and we began dating. I was 18 and he was 20. on weekends I was allowed to stay in his room at his base with him but not during the week. So we slept in his car the pair of us. He was ordered by his boss to have no contact with me yet ignored them which is a punishable offence in the military. Basically I took some money that wasn't mine from his dad and left. He assumed I was just going home to try and handle things however I never came back. I was ashamed of myself, and hurt and just really really alone. I loved the bones off him and him me. He went into deep depression after I left so I'm told and struggled greatly to come back from it.

 

I met my ex husband when i was 19 and we had our son (who is now about to be 9) however we ended it a good few years back because my husband is bisexual and wanted to investigate it.

 

 

Now today. I'm about to be 29 this month, Dan got in contact through facebook a couple of weeks ago and I think he was seeking probably an apology and an explanation which is what he got. We have been texting back and fourth ever since, numerous times a day. I'm older now. He has since been married had a child and is going through a divorce too so is very much open too dating in general.

 

So lastnight we went to grab dinner, very first time he's seen me in 10 years and it was interesting. He's always been very quiet in person and now has a bunch of walls up in regards to dating because of what I did when I was younger. Date went well, we chatted easily and I got thee biggest hug when he was leaving.

 

But when I got home, I realized something. I seem to be the one chasing him!!! Now I'm all about equality and back and fourth. But I feel like I am being fourth and not getting much back.

 

I think I feel like we owe it to ourselves to give it a proper chance now that we are older, I'm stable, I have a job and home things are entirely different now.

 

Can I turn this around? any advice? or shall I just walk away and leave it in the past with a bunch of awesome memories and some awful ones too...

 

I clearly need some advice here and as it's so complex and my friends are biased towards me and didn't know him from before that they wouldn't be the most accurate givers here :rolleyes:

 

Are you kidding me! You better not run away AGAIN.

 

But this person and you are not the same people as back then.

 

Realize your starting from scratch

  • Like 2
IfonlyIknew Established Member

IfonlyIknew

Posted
Posted

There is something about knowing someone from the past, re-meeting as "new people", it seems to have a high value at times. I would just be cautious with him going through his divorce, he's going through a lot of highs and lows, as much as you want to be there, you could catch wind of that.

  • Like 1
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saltyfishhead666 Established Member

saltyfishhead666

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Are you kidding me! You better not run away AGAIN.

 

But this person and you are not the same people as back then.

 

Realize your starting from scratch

 

???? no running this time. I don't think we could ever be actual friends. So we either will have something or we won't. But I certainly won't be vanishing. 8 learnt that lesson long ago.

 

Yeah... that's probably going to be one of the issues. We are battling the past and the current and in someways we are very different and in others we are still very much the same.

  • Author
saltyfishhead666 Established Member

saltyfishhead666

Posted
  • Author
Posted
There is something about knowing someone from the past, re-meeting as "new people", it seems to have a high value at times. I would just be cautious with him going through his divorce, he's going through a lot of highs and lows, as much as you want to be there, you could catch wind of that.

 

The actual divorce is being figured out, she seems from what I hear to be a very nice amicable lady so that's handy. Although they split a year and a bit ago so it's not massively recent.

olivetree Established Member

olivetree

Posted
Posted

I get the feeling you're not sure if you should let him pursue you or the other way around.

You might feel like it's your job to pursue this time because you're the one that left him.

Is that right?

 

Though a lot of time has passed and you did apologize and accept that you were in the wrong, I wouldn't expect him to chase you.

Just take it slow, let it flow back and forth so that you develop something reciprocal, balanced and healthy.

 

You may come to find you're not compatible anymore.

Or you may find you are more suited for each other than ever, now that you've matured and gotten some life experience behind you.

 

Either way, always operating from a place of guilt is a recipe for a lop-sided relationship, be it romantic or friendly.

 

Good luck!

introverted1 Established Member

introverted1

Posted
Posted
Ok I'm going to apologise in advance as this one will be a long one. Here is some back story.

 

When I was 18 my parent's kicked me out of home over a petty argument, I was left homeless, penny-less and I had no where to go. I went to a friends house around 6 hours away from home and slept on their sofa for a few months. This area is where I met Dan my ex. He is a soldier, and we began dating. I was 18 and he was 20. on weekends I was allowed to stay in his room at his base with him but not during the week. So we slept in his car the pair of us. He was ordered by his boss to have no contact with me yet ignored them which is a punishable offence in the military. Basically I took some money that wasn't mine from his dad and left. He assumed I was just going home to try and handle things however I never came back. I was ashamed of myself, and hurt and just really really alone. I loved the bones off him and him me. He went into deep depression after I left so I'm told and struggled greatly to come back from it.

 

I met my ex husband when i was 19 and we had our son (who is now about to be 9) however we ended it a good few years back because my husband is bisexual and wanted to investigate it.

 

 

Now today. I'm about to be 29 this month, Dan got in contact through facebook a couple of weeks ago and I think he was seeking probably an apology and an explanation which is what he got. We have been texting back and fourth ever since, numerous times a day. I'm older now. He has since been married had a child and is going through a divorce too so is very much open too dating in general.

 

So lastnight we went to grab dinner, very first time he's seen me in 10 years and it was interesting. He's always been very quiet in person and now has a bunch of walls up in regards to dating because of what I did when I was younger. Date went well, we chatted easily and I got thee biggest hug when he was leaving.

 

But when I got home, I realized something. I seem to be the one chasing him!!! Now I'm all about equality and back and fourth. But I feel like I am being fourth and not getting much back.

 

I think I feel like we owe it to ourselves to give it a proper chance now that we are older, I'm stable, I have a job and home things are entirely different now.

 

Can I turn this around? any advice? or shall I just walk away and leave it in the past with a bunch of awesome memories and some awful ones too...

 

I clearly need some advice here and as it's so complex and my friends are biased towards me and didn't know him from before that they wouldn't be the most accurate givers here :rolleyes:

 

OP, have you apologised to and repaid his dad? Seems to me that this would go a long way toward demonstrating your growth and maturity.

  • Like 1
smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

Posted
Posted

I agree you are starting from scratch....but with the past being strong in your minds. I feel if you give it some time and get properly reacquainted things could blossom. Remember you really broke his heart and that resonates with him still to this day.

 

I agree with Introverted1, this would be a great opportunity to pay back the money you stole with a hand written letter of apology to his father, to redeem yourself. Don't give him damn excuses for stealing the money, just own it.

  • Author
saltyfishhead666 Established Member

saltyfishhead666

Posted
  • Author
Posted
OP, have you apologised to and repaid his dad? Seems to me that this would go a long way toward demonstrating your growth and maturity.

 

 

 

Yes I have, about a year after it happened I sent him a cheque for double thee amount alongside an apology (to his dad himself) I was stupid and didn't know what to do sadly.

 

He has had his own personal apology too and an explanation as I don't think I explained properly as a younster, and lots of what he thought was simply assumed.

  • Author
saltyfishhead666 Established Member

saltyfishhead666

Posted
  • Author
Posted
I agree you are starting from scratch....but with the past being strong in your minds. I feel if you give it some time and get properly reacquainted things could blossom. Remember you really broke his heart and that resonates with him still to this day.

 

I agree with Introverted1, this would be a great opportunity to pay back the money you stole with a hand written letter of apology to his father, to redeem yourself. Don't give him damn excuses for stealing the money, just own it.

 

 

 

I know and I understand why he's still hurt, I would be. It hurt to leave too but that's no excuse and he knows it. I've explained and owned all of my faults from back then.

 

It's sad because I am entirely different now. He's grown cooler and colder over the years and less polite and I've turned into a really nice person and it sucks that he can't see that as some of the past is clouding it. I'm 10 years old now xx

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