Insecurities always take over me

[dsprimal]

Hello all,

 

So I have been seeing this girl for about 2 months and we recently just made things "exclusive". Here is an outline of what we are.

 

First off....I'm 29 and she's 19. Anyone that is going to be negative about this please don't bother responding. please.

 

She lives an hour away and we see each other every weekend. She stays over my place every weekend usually for a night, sometimes the entire weekend into Monday morning when I leave for work. She has already began leaving her night clothes, shoes, and feminine products in my bathroom over the course of the past month. She told me last night that her mom brought up the idea of me coming to their house for Thanksgiving. So she asked me and said "you'll get to meet my brother, my grandma, uncle, etc"

 

Pros:

She is super obsessed with Asians (I'm Asian).

She tells me she never cheats on her boyfriends

She shows me she has a good heart by doing things like cleaning my room....which was a MESS.

She wants to show me off and is super in PDA.

She also posts snaps of me and her from time to time which tells me is "significant"

 

Cons:

She gave me head on the first day we hung out, which goes with the saying "If she does that with you she would do that with anyone else"

She loves attention

She snapchats random guys

 

My insecurities come into play because she is like me....i'm a freak sexually and me and her have really intense sex. But that makes me worry throughout the times we don't see each other until the weekend. Thinking she would hook up with any guy due to the insane horny nature she has.

[Satu]

Throw the word 'insecurities' out and use 'fears' instead.

 

It's a more useful term.

 

You are afraid that so and so might happen.

 

So say to yourself:

 

"I'm sometimes afraid that so and so might happen, but I can handle those feelings when they come up. I can experience them and let them pass."

 

 

Take care.

[Gaeta]

What does she snapchats? Sexy pics of herself?

 

And what other guys?

[Gaeta]

 

My insecurities come into play because she is like me....i'm a freak sexually and me and her have really intense sex. But that makes me worry throughout the times we don't see each other until the weekend. Thinking she would hook up with any guy due to the insane horny nature she has.

Your insecurities come from she is like you, do you mean if she wasn't around often enough you'd cheat?

[mbee]

I understand having insecurities as I think they can come up during a new relationship sometimes. Have you been cheated on? If so, I can understand your concerns. It took me years to allow myself to trust guys I was dating after being cheated on by an ex-boyfriend.

 

Your girlfriend sounds good, but the snapchats are a little odd. Who are these random guys? Have you guys discussed her friendships with these guys? The age thing is a nonissue to me, but she is 19 and she might be pretty immature. She may not realize how her behavior is coming across.

 

I remember when I was 19/20 I did things that my boyfriend at the time felt insecure about. Honestly, I just had no idea that stuff bothered him until he told me. I'm not saying to go at her with your list of insecurities but at least figure out what the snapchats are about.

 

The rest all sounds fine to me. I don't hook up with guys easily and typically wait at least a month before getting sexual, so I understand your concerns about the giving head thing, but hey I see it as she has intense chemistry with you and not a sign that she's doing that with other guys.

 

Also what do you mean by she loves attention? Again, not to mention age but I definitely craved attention when I was around her age. Just keep in mind she may be a little immature. No matter how mature she seems to you, we all have immaturity to some degree.

[dsprimal]

I just feel like I need to constantly know what she's doing. But then that seems too controlling and would probably cause more harm than good. I just don't want to stress the negative thoughts.

[mbee]

I just feel like I need to constantly know what she's doing. But then that seems too controlling and would probably cause more harm than good. I just don't want to stress the negative thoughts.

 

Yeah sounds like you have your own insecurities you need to work through. Work on controlling your own emotions. Honestly, I get the insecurities as I battle through them after being cheated on. To be honest, I was voluntarily single for a year because I needed to work on my trust issues before dating a guy. Maybe you need to go through something similar, work on your trust issues. One thing that helps is reminding myself that this is my own problem. Until your partner gives you a legit reason to be concerned, then respect her space. A healthy relationship needs trust and space. If you cannot trust her then sorry, this relationship is doomed.

 

It's not her responsibility to make you trust her. True, if she screws up, that's on her, but she sounds like a good and reliable girlfriend.

 

Work on your own self development and to control negative thinking. It's good you are asking a forum than telling your girlfriend this as you may damage your relationship beyond repair if you mention you want to know what she's doing all the time. Ask her about the snapchats cause that is a little odd, but try to avoid jumping to conclusions like she's promiscuous, will cheat and all sorts of things.

 

However, if you notice any real red flags, that's when you worry. But as hard as it may seem, don't push your insecurities on her. Work to handle those yourself. Good luck!!

[smackie9]

Attention is important to her because that is what a 19 year old's priorities are. She's still at that age where the world revolves around them. So the snapchat and crap is expected.....she's young and still needs time to grow up. It is what it is. It;s where she is at in her life.

 

If someone is going to cheat, they are going to cheat regardless they are sexual or not. A homely old house wife will cheat if she desires to.

 

It's something you have no control over.

 

Just enjoy your time with her. It's very possible this won't last, but with any relationship there are no guarantees....ever.

[UltimaWeapon]

Bro in all honesty...you are 29..shes 19. that's a 10 year gap and a 10 year difference in thinking and processing ; maturing; life etc.

 

All these concerns you mention are coming out because that is the vibe she gives off and you always have to trust your gut. If she did that with you on the first night chances are you aren't the first or the last.

 

In all honesty it seems like a good FWB situation but anything more and it will end in a train wreck- she is too young- she won't settle down; you two are in different time frames of life; it just isn't compatible in the long run; especially with the long distance.

[dsprimal]

It took me 2 months to finally open up and entertain the thought of being exclusive. since the beginning she felt like I had been stringing her along. We spoke about it a couple days ago and both agreed we were on the same page and wanted to be exclusive.

 

My problem now is that I now have feelings for her. I allowed myself to open up and become vulnerable. My gut feels like I should leave her before I get hurt because i'm so paranoid. I rather have the upper hand then have her later down the line leave me.

 

She works this weekend, Saturday (midshift) and Sunday (closing). I asked her when we would see each other and she said she doesn't know if we will be able to this weekend because she works. But i told her its not like she works the whole day and that we could meet up after or before her shifts. She then went on a rant about how she's going to see this guy that works at the mall on sunday and how excited she was cause he's cool.

 

She also told me she doesn't know about Thanksgiving anymore either cause she might want to see if she can work that day for extra holiday money.

 

I really don't 'know what to do. Should I ask her if we should be facebook relationship exclusive to solidify our relationship more? i know it sounds silly but its just like letting the public really know so any guys that are trying will see that.

[JoeSmith357-1]

I know you don't want to hear it, but you need to...

 

The reality of the situation is: she is 19, you are 29. That is a HUGE gap. You are at completely different stages of your lives. She is at that stage where everything revolves around her, and the attention she desires.

 

That's why she is snapchatting. She's sending nudes and getting dick pics from random guys. FACT.

 

What, honestly are your expectations of this? An LTR with a 19 year old?

[dsprimal]

From the beginning I thought that and wouldn't let myself think otherwise. But having constant sex and hanging out a lot and her staying over every weekend and doing things like cleaning my room, leaving her stuff at my place. I fell into it slowly and actually want to believe this could be something good.

 

If I need to break things off what should I say? and what about her stuff she left?

 

Also...I know this thread took a turn for the negatives but those who still think this can be a good thing please share your thoughts.

[Gaeta]

What does she snapchats? Sexy pics of herself?

 

And what other guys?

 

Can you answer this please.

[JoeSmith357-1]

From the beginning I thought that and wouldn't let myself think otherwise. But having constant sex and hanging out a lot and her staying over every weekend and doing things like cleaning my room, leaving her stuff at my place. I fell into it slowly and actually want to believe this could be something good.

 

If I need to break things off what should I say? and what about her stuff she left?

 

Also...I know this thread took a turn for the negatives but those who still think this can be a good thing please share your thoughts.

 

Again, I ask you... what do you want out of this??

 

Yeah, being 29 and having an (assuming this is true) good looking 19 year old over at your place all the time having lots of good, frequent sex, having her clean up after herself... that's a positive, sounds like fun. Who wouldn't want that?

 

I can tell you from personal experience that it's better than having a 35 year old with a kid who doesn't clean up after herself living with you

 

It's all about your needs and wants. Do you want a LTR? Do you want someone who you think you can marry? Or do you want a ravenous young vixen who you can bang all the time??

 

I think if you have the expectation that this 19 year old will be marriage material for you in the short term, you are off base. Not trying to be negative here, but realistic. You 2 are just at completely different phases in your lives... this is not like a 40 year old dating a 30 year old or a 50 year old dating a 40 year old. A HUGE gap in maturity here.

[Gaeta]

She is super obsessed with Asians (I'm Asian).

 

Did it cross your mind she is only dating you because you are the flavor of the month? You are not dsprimal to her, you are a hot Asian guy. Eventually there will be a hotter Asian guy coming along and....good bye.

 

Let me guess, she snapchats to other hot Asian dudes?

[dsprimal]

Can you answer this please.

 

I never questioned her about it. I was like "Who is Chris?" and she tells me he's a friend then says she has no interest and why am I so paranoid and how she wouldnt be here doing the things shes doing if she didnt care about me. Do you think I should even ask her to go through her phone and look at her messages?

 

I honestly don't know what to do. I love the sex we have and its very easy for both of us to act ourselves around each other. I feel like she has the potential of being a great girlfriend but her age and where she is right now won't allow that. Even if she seems to be faithful etc. I still feel like she needs to mature and experience everything she wants before taking the relationship on the same page as myself.

 

But idk why. I really can't trust her. Her telling me that we probably won't see each other this coming weekend, which would be the first weekend we wouldnt see each other and then flipping the thanksgiving invite she brought up to me 2 days ago to all of a sudden saying she doesn't know if thanksgiving will work makes me feel really uneasy.

 

She also comes from a broken family. Her parents are divorced and her ex of 3 years abused her physically and mentally. She used to be overweight now shes skinny and gorgeous.

 

I want to let it go but I have been single for so long and i'm really in the mental state of settling down with someone because I really am getting older and I just hate being alone. Unfortunately that is why I want to continue this just to have some girl in my life that I genuinely do find interesting and has potential.

[Gaeta]

I want to let it go but I have been single for so long and i'm really in the mental state of settling down with someone because I really am getting older and I just hate being alone. Unfortunately that is why I want to continue this just to have some girl in my life that I genuinely do find interesting and has potential.

 

You call that having potential?

 

* Is with you mainly because of your race

* snapchats god knows what to other men

* she loves attention from other men

* You don't trust her

* she is still a teen

 

That's the woman you want to throw your devotion on for a future together? Indeed sex must be good if cannot see past the edge of the bed.

 

You want a peek into your future? in lets say 2-3 years you'll be married with toddlers and most night you'll have no idea where she is. She'll be out there seeking men's attention while you change diapers.

[olivetree]

Here is the thing about age: it is a non-issue if you're near the same level of maturity and want the same things.

 

But your 19-year old gf is very much a 19-year old mentally. She is in no position to settle down and she loves the attention from other guys, especially since this is new to her now that she lost weight.

 

You on the other hand sound like you're ready to have a serious relationship.

 

You two are not compatible right now.

[GoreSP]

I honestly wouldn't worry about snapchat. My boyfriend is 30 and his ex (who is 24) snap chats everyone about almost everything (always appropriate). I'm 35 and I always feel weird sending selfies and pictures of random stuff but apparently keeping up the snap streak is a thing so I make rhe effort to snap my bf a few times every day but everyone else gets one snap a month felm me

 

It's the social media / text generation. It's all they do. If it bothers you, you're in for a tough time and that's where the age difference can have an impact.

 

If you are worried about the content of the snaps, just have a conversation about it.

[JoeSmith357-1]

I honestly wouldn't worry about snapchat. My boyfriend is 30 and his ex (who is 24) snap chats everyone about almost everything (always appropriate). I'm 35 and I always feel weird sending selfies and pictures of random stuff but apparently keeping up the snap streak is a thing so I make rhe effort to snap my bf a few times every day but everyone else gets one snap a month felm me

 

It's the social media / text generation. It's all they do. If it bothers you, you're in for a tough time and that's where the age difference can have an impact.

 

If you are worried about the content of the snaps, just have a conversation about it.

 

I feel just the opposite. There are about a million ways to communicate which retain conversation history.

 

To me the ONLY reason to use snapchat, or whatsapp or any of the other apps which do not retain conversation history is to have shady conversations with people you don't want anyone else to know about

 

PERIOD... I think the OP has every right to be suspicious.

[dsprimal]

She told me last night she cant date guys her age or even guys that are 25. She says they aren't mature enough for her mentally.

 

Also another thing I took as a red flag was last night when we were facetiming I usually get a more sexual horny vibe from her when I steer the convo in that direction but this time she was a bit hesitant. We still did the phone sex thing but idk. Maybe i'm being too paranoid right now? or maybe she got her fix elsewhere. aka when she went to the "movies" which i dont know if she is being honest or not. I am going crazy sorry every ;(

[JoeSmith357-1]

Just ride it out... she's not "the one" so just ride that young, hot train until you find out for yourself that it's just not going to work long term

[dsprimal]

Ok just got more info from one of her coworkers whom I am pretty close with. She told me theres a security gaurd that works at the mall they work at and how the girl i'm seeing has had an obsession with him and even said she wants to get with him but he has a girlfriend.

 

Should I just end it off that alone? knowing that info. sure you can have an eye or urge for someone else but obviously it all matters on the actions.

 

She brought this guy up in our convo last night as well. Saying how she's excited to see him cause their close etc etc.

[UltimaWeapon]

You are completely being delusional now- the writing is on the wall.

 

Where is your self respect? you are holding onto this girl because of the sex? It seems like you feel you can't find another girl like her so you are avoiding all the red flags associated with being in a relationship with her.

 

She is 19- she will flop flop her feelings- she wants freedom- she does what she wants. You are just the flavor of the month like the others have said.

 

This girl is bad news!!!

Edited November 5, 2016 by UltimaWeapon