FWB or relationship?

[Shanex]

Need some insight on my current situation: a woman messaged me back in September online and we met the same day, yes, so far we were fairly motivated. We're both 30s though she's older and turn 40 next year. We went intimate fast enough, that said, she was enjoying some days off then and please consider that she is these days super busy with her profession : we can barely see each other more than once a week, usually an evening and things usually follow this... a drink, dinner and sex, not necessarily in that order, at each other place. We cook a bit.

 

We're agreable and the sex is fairly good. We were both tested and are Hepatitis and HIV negative. Hence can have unprotected sex now. We haven't talked exclusivity but having been tested, neither of us have any intentions to have different partners. There's mutual respect and honesty.

 

Thing is, we barely get out anymore as we did the first few days we met. Yes, she's busy, but she lives a mere 20 minutes a drive from me, so I'm sure if we really wanted we could do more. That's what prompted my question and this thread. Do you think this is a FWB or somehow a relationship ? We do text and call every other evening, but not much. The essential is said and we're done.

 

I'm thinking of taking her to some Asian buffet next week for a change, and as we were both tired, this week we didn't have a date. While I put and so she does effort into making dinners, neither of us are broke to the point to never enjoy a restaurant, or a movie outside of Netflix and dvds.

 

For the record: I don't think she's ready for any ''moving in together'' or more commitment. I can't say that I am unhappy with the situation. But oddly we haven't talked what kind of relationship we are in.. I am sure you guys are going to suggest that we need to have a conversation about where we are headed. Needed to vent and, in any case, hear from people who are or have been in the situation...

 

Also, I was in a similar situation 6 years ago with a woman older too. But the feelings and the L word were said at this point, which wasn't here. Neither of us seem to have much feelings. And we seem to be F-buddies while enjoying dinner and DVD, cuddle and kisses but that's about it. I'm really not sure if the feeling will develop over time. Or if we will just enjoy an evening with each other every week for X months.

[carhill]

Sounds like you both find each other attractive and enjoy sex.

 

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. The beauty of being single is you can smoke a bunch of different brands without having to choose one. You can choose one, sure. Or none.

 

Since both of you apparently are good to go with casual sex and no emotional commitments, sounds good to me. Keep showing up.

[Satu]

I don't draw a firm line between 'FWB' and GF/BW relationships if neither are involved with anyone else.

 

I see relationships as existing at some point on a continuum of physical/mental/emotional intimacy and commitment.

 

It's not a bad thing to be somewhat tentative about where you stand with each other whilst you continue to spend time together.

 

According to my way of looking at things, you are in a relationship at some point on that continuum.

 

I would say let it be what it is for now and see what develops.

 

It seems healthy enough to me.

 

 

Take care.

[Shanex]

Satu and carhill : that's correct, and to add something pretty important and relevant.. even though we're not head over heels quite yet. I am much happier to have her, regardless of the relationship and commitment than being single.

 

I think it's a relationship, just a casual monogamous one.

[Gloria25]

Sounds like FWB to me...

 

Oh no, typical situation where the guy doesn't like that the woman is the one in control and putting him off - in other words "she's" the one that's actually cool with FWB and like most men, you're turned off that it's a woman dictating how the RL goes.

 

Why can't a guy just sit back and enjoy the ride? If roles were reversed, the woman would be posting here about the guy blowing her off cuz he thinks she wants more just cuz she's upset that they don't go out as they used to and she wants to try doing different things with him (i.e. eating at the Asian buffet).

 

Oh **Gloria25 slams fist on table** Hey!!!! First rule of FWB is not to talk about FWB!!! (taken from "Fight Club", the movie) And, this tread is discussing FWB!!!

[Shanex]

Sounds like FWB to me...

 

Oh no, typical situation where the guy doesn't like that the woman is the one in control and putting him off - in other words "she's" the one that's actually cool with FWB and like most men, you're turned off that it's a woman dictating how the RL goes.

 

Why can't a guy just sit back and enjoy the ride? If roles were reversed, the woman would be posting here about the guy blowing her off cuz he thinks she wants more just cuz she's upset that they don't go out as they used to and she wants to try doing different things with him (i.e. eating at the Asian buffet).

 

Oh **Gloria25 slams fist on table** Hey!!!! First rule of FWB is not to talk about FWB!!! (taken from "Fight Club", the movie) And, this tread is discussing FWB!!!

 

Gloria, Gloria. I hope this thread doesn't come off as misogynistic or just plain my posting on LS do they? I am actually enjoying the ride but trying to put a word or a label on what we're going through.

 

I appreciate the Fight Clubs reference and regarding FWB, everyone's mileage may vary, right? We're monogamous, we enjoy the time spent together, and so on.

 

So far, she isn't upset about not doing much other than going to each other places, that's why I'm somehow anticipating to consider restaurants or movies from now.

 

Fair enough?

[Gloria25]

Gloria, Gloria. I hope this thread doesn't come off as misogynistic or just plain my posting on LS do they? I am actually enjoying the ride but trying to put a word or a label on what we're going through.

 

I appreciate the Fight Clubs reference and regarding FWB, everyone's mileage may vary, right? We're monogamous, we enjoy the time spent together, and so on.

 

So far, she isn't upset about not doing much other than going to each other places, that's why I'm somehow anticipating to consider restaurants or movies from now.

 

Fair enough?

 

Uh, the Fight Club references are just joking

 

I don't know, it sounds like you got sour grapes cuz she's not like most women in a FWB situation - who fall for the guy and want more. Again, why can't guys just enjoy the ride? Why do they think it's fair for them to be dismissive of the woman in a FWB situation, but when she's dismissive of him, he cops an attitude?

[Shanex]

Uh, the Fight Club references are just joking

 

I don't know, it sounds like you got sour grapes cuz she's not like most women in a FWB situation - who fall for the guy and want more. Again, why can't guys just enjoy the ride? Why do they think it's fair for them to be dismissive of the woman in a FWB situation, but when she's dismissive of him, he cops an attitude?

 

From my personal experience, and considering she's a bit older and more experienced, it's usually the dude who'd fall for the woman.

 

Heck, I do care about her a bit, wouldn't have been tested in the early hours of the morning, after spending quite some time in my doctors office otherwise.

 

Again, I am enjoying the ride, so she does it seems.

[carhill]

From my personal experience, and considering she's a bit older and more experienced, it's usually the dude who'd fall for the woman.

 

Heck, I do care about her a bit, wouldn't have been tested in the early hours of the morning, after spending quite some time in my doctors office otherwise.

 

Again, I am enjoying the ride, so she does it seems.

Yeah, I got a good introduction on that from my exW and found many iterations post-M to reinforce it. However, that's not atypical of my generation. It caused great difficulty for myself as a young man looking for a wife and mother of children. Mismatched styles and timings. That's part of why I opted out after divorcing. No sense in messing with it anymore or burdening them. Healthier all the way around.

 

I don't expect you'll have similar difficulties, in that you apparently can fall either way. Sounds like everything is working out fine. If it morphs into more intimacy, OK. If not, OK. No rush.

[Satu]

I came to a point in my life where I realised that I didn't need to define or 'understand' things, and that simply experiencing things innocently was delightful.

 

Defining and naming things was robbing me of the experience of the thing I was trying to define!

 

I realised that not knowing things can be very liberating

 

I surprised myself by writing this in my journal one day:

 

"Don't define yourself. Don't ascribe attributes, qualities, likes and dislikes and plus or minus characteristics to yourself. Not sexual orientation, religion, political affiliation, or anything else. Just be.

 

If you do define yourself, you bring a beautiful flowing song to a stop."

 

If someone were to ask me who I am, I would say, "I am what you see when you look at me."

 

Because that is who I am, for them.

 

Who I am for myself, is what I feel when I pay attention to myself.

 

We are what we feel together.

 

Just the experience, fully felt.

 

 

All in all

Each man in all men

all men in each man

All being in each being

Each being in all being

All in each

Each in all

All distinctions are mind, by mind, in

mind, of mind

No distinctions no mind to distinguish

 

- RD Laing, Knots.

[aileD]

You said you met her online. What kind of website? Dating site or hookup site?

[Shanex]

Satu, I am glad that my thread is inspiring you a song and poetry.

 

Now that you mention it, and I know I am not alone here, every woman I have been with was somehow tied to a song...

 

The first was Maria, Maria - Carlos Santana.

 

Others include, What a night - 4 Queens.

 

Some George Strait, Depeche Mode, Phil Collins.

 

And you're right, I can enjoy the ride without a formal label or definition...

 

But I was wondering... tomorrow I have a family dinner, and will text or call her about that buffet or restaurant I will bring her to next week, when we are feeling better.

[Shanex]

You said you met her online. What kind of website? Dating site or hookup site?

 

Dating site, won't name it but a respectable and serious one. Not tinder.

[Shanex]

Satu, I am glad that my thread is inspiring you a song and poetry.

 

Now that you mention it, and I know I am not alone here, every woman I have been with was somehow tied to a song...

 

The first was Maria, Maria - Carlos Santana.

 

Others include, What a night - 4 Queens.

 

Some George Strait, Depeche Mode, Phil Collins.

 

And you're right, I can enjoy the ride without a formal label or definition...

 

But I was wondering... tomorrow I have a family dinner, and will text or call her about that buffet or restaurant I will bring her to next week, when we are feeling better.

 

Four seasons I mean. Lol. Time to hit the sack now.

[grays]

You said you met her online. What kind of website? Dating site or hookup site?

 

I don't like the idea of defining relationships this way. I've had relationships with people met on okc, tinder, at sex parties and clubs that were much more than hook ups. A person might put a bio up on tinder thinking they're looking for a hookup but then fall in love w their tinder date. I never expect anything from a tinder date, but I'm often happily surprised.

[jen1447]

It's an extremely casual relationship. FWBs are usually just that - actual friends who also smash once in a while, not chill BF/GFs.

[Shanex]

It's an extremely casual relationship. FWBs are usually just that - actual friends who also smash once in a while, not chill BF/GFs.

 

Seems we've come to a consensus and Jen nailed it too. It's not really a FWB, but a casual relationship.

 

Little update, she was seeing her mom in a different region over the weekend and is again working hard this week, hence we haven't seen each other in a while but we do text regularily and I just called her to suggest a date on Monday evening, her day off. Perhaps the restaurant long overdue then going back to my place for more drinks and .. you know what.

 

Things feels good, we're a physical and personality match, we joke and tease each other quite a bit. I think this can go far, it's been two months already, yeah, we've seen each other 'only' about 8 times in two months but we're looking forward more date, when her profession will eventually allow it. We all go through hard work weeks.

Edited November 9, 2016 by Shanex

[Gloria25]

Can I just meet someone like in the situation you two have?

 

I don't know...I'm just frustrated.

 

I'm trying so hard to find someone who can simply have a simple RL with me - pretty much like what you described that you two have....

 

Grrrrrrrrr

 

PS....please relax and just enjoy her company. Pleeeeze

[Popsicle]

You sound like you want more but are too scared to ask for more.

[Shanex]

Gloria, I don't know why you aren't finding what you are looking for but you will.

 

Pops: eh, I'm content right now, not too much commitment too soon can't be a bad thing as far as I'm concerned. So, next date this monday...

[Mumbles]

I came to a point in my life where I realised that I didn't need to define or 'understand' things, and that simply experiencing things innocently was delightful.

 

Defining and naming things was robbing me of the experience of the thing I was trying to define!

 

I think there is a lot to be said for this. Just enjoy life and don't feel compelled to always overthink things.

 

I used to overthink -everything- ... from small to large and honestly, it just made me unhappy, ultimately, because many things aren't meant to be put under a microscope.

 

Life is both messy and beautiful.

 

It took most of my life thus far and a divorce to fully understand that you can in fact 'let go' and not feel compelled to neatly box everything up and label it

[Mumbles]

We're agreable and the sex is fairly good. We were both tested and are Hepatitis and HIV negative. Hence can have unprotected sex now. We haven't talked exclusivity but having been tested, neither of us have any intentions to have different partners. There's mutual respect and honesty.

 

Lots of good stuff in this thread - but on the snippet above: one never really knows, for sure, what someone else is up to. I understand the significance of exchanging clear STI reports but people can view these things and logic in different ways.

 

For example, if I have a clean STI report and I'm sleeping with two women who also have clean STI reports then bareback with both is ok right? Right?

 

Well...

 

Doctors offices are bursting with people who were sure, beyond a shadow of doubt, that their partners were clean ... yet somehow an STI arises.

 

Everyone has their own level of comfort with different risk. I hate condoms with a passion and am easily swayed to not use them - but that just talks to my own risk/comfort level. If you have a low risk personality then I'd be tempted to use a condom until you're in something committed and rigorously monogamous - even then, you just don't know for sure what your partner might get up to ...