agirlintheworld Posted November 3, 2016 Posted November 3, 2016 I´ve been dating a guy since the beginning of the year, we´ve been a couple for 6 months. He´s never really had a relationship before, he´s in his early 30´s. He seem to like me a lot, he´s caring, he writes me all the time, and we´re together most of the days during the week. When we´re not he often write things like I miss you and so on. however, I told him I was really falling in love with him. He seemed kind of surprised and didn´t really respond to it. A month or so later I told him I love him. He was happy, maybe a bit overwhelmed. He said it was a big step, that he likes me a lot, that it doesn´t scare him and that it really made him happy. But he couldn´t say it back. I distanced myself a bit to think about things and get myself together, although I told him he had done nothing wrong and that I appreciate his honesty. Which I really do, rather hurt by the truth as they say... I was thinking that it´s ok, and it´s normal that people reaches to that at different times. After all, we are two very different persons whereas i´m a bit more emotional and expressive in that way. But... It is now eating me up from inside. I analyze everything, constantly I try to seem like my happy self, but it is so difficult. I can´t help thinking sad thoughts, thinking that he doesn´t have the feelings he should at this point in our relationship. I don´t know if I can do ot. I want to, but it hurts so badly to think about it. He keep telling me how much he likes me, and it reminds me even more. I really do think he´s great for being honest, but I´m starting to doubt things, and think about why it´s worth to stay with someone who doesn´t love you and whom might not even be in love with me. I don´t understand why he stays with me if he´s not. Any advices would be very appreciated. Anyone who´s been in this situation? What did you do? I´m affraid he´ll take notice of my moodiness and get sick of it too...
JewelD Posted November 3, 2016 Posted November 3, 2016 Love takes time. Not everyone falls at the exact same moment. Are you sure you really love him or are you just very infatuated? Lots of people get the two confused. I imagine if you genuinely loved him in a romantic way, you wouldn't be put off by him not immediately saying it back to you. You don't tell people you love them just to hear it back, you say it because you mean it and you want them to know. If it had been a few years, it would make sense to be a little upset, but it hasn't been an unreasonable amount of time. If his feelings are the same by the one year mark, then it's probably a lost cause.
Author agirlintheworld Posted November 3, 2016 Author Posted November 3, 2016 I honestly didn´t say it to hear it back. Didn´t think he would, but I couldn´t keep it to myself I hadto tell him. I just didn´t know it would make my head spin so much with thoughts, didn´t know it would hurt so badly since I didn´t hink he would say it back and was kind of set on that. I do love him, really do. I think he´s amazing, but I´m so scared of getting hurt. It scares me that he doesn´t feel that way, and it makes me not want to fall even deeper in love... The thing that bothers me the most is that he might not even feel butterflies, that´s what being in love is for me. Might be different for others. and that´s what makes me question why he stayes, we´ve been going out for 9 months,, why would you do that if you´re not really "feeling it"
Gaeta Posted November 3, 2016 Posted November 3, 2016 Yes it's worrisome that after 9 months he has not developed feelings of love. I know everyone is different but in general people know by the 6th month if they are in love or not. Point # 1: When you told him you loved him his reaction was he considered it a big step. Maybe part of the answer in there. ILY means different things for different people. Some will have no problem saying ILY after a couple of months because to them the fuzzy feeling made by butterflies is love. Others their ILY means they want to spend the rest of their life with you and engage in a marriage and build a family. It might be what ILY means to him. It would explain why he thinks it's such a big step. Point #2: He has no experience with love so maybe he doesn't know yet what being in love feels like. You know the saying: you don't know what you have till you lost it? You could handle it that way. Personally it would be my way of handling it. I would tell him after 9 months I expect a man to have developed love for me and if not than I prefer to terminate the relationship than to invest another 9 months into emptiness. This could shock him into realizing his feelings.
Author agirlintheworld Posted November 3, 2016 Author Posted November 3, 2016 Gaeta, thank you so much for your answer. You´re making very good points. As a matter of fact, he told me that he´s never said those words to anyone before. He´s also expressed afterwards that he´s never been this close to anyone before either, so I can understand that it is a big step,. every step is new. The thing is I really feel like he cares for me. He seem very happy and content about the relationship, slightly scared sometimes. sometimes i get the feeling that he´s affraid it will break, I don´t know why. Maybe that is stopping him from feeling too, but at the same time that might be exactly a reason you loose someone too. These are all theories though.... I think about it a lot, but sometimes, more often recently since it´s becoming more of a burden to think of I´m thinking that maybe the bitter truth is that he simply don´t have strong feelings for me and might never love me back. :/
Buddhist Posted November 3, 2016 Posted November 3, 2016 It's his first relationship he's scared that if he says I love you the next expectation will be marriage and he clearly isn't ready for that. Guys are deathly afraid of being tied down, one in his first ever relationship would probably be on the verge of panic over it. He probably loves having a GF. maybe even loves you but doesn't want to be looking down the barrel of lifetime commitment just yet. Its not about you but about his own fears and insecurities. Don't pay attention to his words, but to his actions. If he's being a good BF to you then that's what you really need to know.
Author agirlintheworld Posted November 3, 2016 Author Posted November 3, 2016 Thank you Buddhist that is very comforting to read, it somehow makes me feel a bit less uneasy. I really really want to understand him, and I want to be patient, this is very helpful. He´s growing in to being a grat boyfriend, sloly but steady and I feel very blessed for being the person he´s doing this with. But waiting can be hard sometimes, I really need these advices. Thank you!!
Recommended Posts