Tips for communicating with guy who has only been in Short term relationships

[mbee]

The most wonderful feeling is to be loved and wanted without any kind of prodding, reminders, or convincing. If you have to do any of those things for him to contact you, it will have lost its meaning.

 

Just observe without direction from you. It's the only way to truly know how he feels about you. Stop trying to control the outcome.

 

I 100% agree with you. IT's definitely a flaw of mine, and I can be a control freak to some degree. Honestly your comment and everyone else's has made me feel a lot better and made me realize I need to just step back. I tend to worry a bunch about what MIGHT happen (in many aspects of life) and not go with the flow. And your comment about it losing it's meaning if I need to prod, remind or convince is 100% correct. I'll just observe without direction. Thanks for this!!

[Gaeta]

We see each other several times a week (always the weekend). We always go on dates. we are spending this weekend together Saturday and Sunday, hiking in the mountains 3 hours away and staying in a hotel. Last few dates was escape rooms, seeing halloween movies at the theater and seeing a play.

 

We've only had a stay at home date once and it was cause I invited him over to play board games and have dinner with me on a weeknight. We are both busy during the week, so prefer to see each other weekends although we sometimes plan group friend events during the weeknight so we can hang out together and with our respective group of friends.

 

He's 4 years younger than me, so I'm 28 and he's 24.

 

This sounds good mbee.

 

There is another month before he leaves for 6 weeks. Things will continue evolving till then. You are at the very beginning of dating so still feeling each other out. Let him be who he is and observe. I know you said you are crazy about him that might be part of it too. Don't chase him. It's too soon in the game it will have the opposite effect.

[Leigh 87]

My fwb paid for my return tickets accross the country. And we were only casual.

 

How pathetic and tight of him to allow you to pay your way; real men treat their women. We shave and buy beauty products and put more emphasis on looking good. Men should pay fof date related crap and things like small trips.

 

If he was super into you then you would not have doubts.

[smackie9]

He's either a clueless chump, or he's a lazy dater that only does the minimum. Either way, if he isn't listening to you, this would be a pretty good indicator as to why his past relationships ended fast and furious. The unhealthy relationship he told you about was probably due to the lack of communication and listening on his part, and his ex turned toxic due to her frustration with him. She most likely was very in love with him, so she stuck it out for 6 months.

 

He sounds pretty thick in the head, so you can't beat around the bush, or give subtle hints, etc. You are going to have to sit him down and firmly explain what your expectations are especially for the month you both will be separated. You need to make sure he sees how serious this is too you and can't be just brushed off.

 

If he sticks to his old way, you part ways....he's a hopeless case.

[Els]

Well, I won't comment on the part where he's 28 and has never had a LTR. I mean, yes, it doesn't look good, but we can only speculate on the reasons for it, and not all reasons are bad (e.g. if he was focusing 100% on his career). So, looking at the concrete examples you've given of his behaviour...

 

He also is not very appreciative verbally. For instance, he invited me to come on a work trip with him (his flight/hotel/food is paid for by his company). I said yes cause I'm happy to spend more time with him before we both are long distance and the flight cost me almost $600. I'm happy to come and have no issues paying for the flight but he never said thanks or how he appreciated it at all.

This is an issue IMO. Not just the lack of verbal appreciation but the standoff-ish manner in which it was done. He invites you, not to a couples' vacation, but to 'come along with him on a work trip'. I do feel that in that case, especially if it isn't a location you would have picked for a vacation, he should have at least split the cost of the trip with you. The way he did it, he gets everything and gives nothing. Even if you are fine with paying for it, his behaviour is an indicator of how he feels about you, IMO. He should have at least offered to split the cost - whether or not you accepted his offer would be your prerogative.

 

If he had actually invited you to a couples' vacation where you both picked the location together and each paid for your own flights, that would be different.

 

I'm crazy about him so I really want to make things work but I can tell these issues are starting to pop up and with his lack of relationship experience, I'm not sure how patient I need to be about it or a good way of communicating to him a better way of doing things without coming across as nagging? I want to figure this out now cause surely more issues will arise the longer we are together.

[Edited my comment out after reading your recent posts]

 

Why are you 'crazy about him'? What are his good traits? Has he ever shown you love/enthusiasm in any way?

Edited November 4, 2016 by Elswyth

[mbee]

 

This is an issue IMO. Not just the lack of verbal appreciation but the standoff-ish manner in which it was done. He invites you, not to a couples' vacation, but to 'come along with him on a work trip'. I do feel that in that case, especially if it isn't a location you would have picked for a vacation, he should have at least split the cost of the trip with you. The way he did it, he gets everything and gives nothing. Even if you are fine with paying for it, his behaviour is an indicator of how he feels about you, IMO. He should have at least offered to split the cost - whether or not you accepted his offer would be your prerogative.

 

If he had actually invited you to a couples' vacation where you both picked the location together and each paid for your own flights, that would be different.

 

[Edited my comment out after reading your recent posts]

 

Why are you 'crazy about him'? What are his good traits? Has he ever shown you love/enthusiasm in any way?

 

Thanks for this!

 

Me paying for the trip doesn't bother me at all. To clarify what happened, we were on a date and I was telling him he should go to this place when he goes on his work trip. I was telling him I've always wanted to go and how jealous I am that he gets to go and I don't cause it's been one of my travel desires to see this place. He then said, "well why don't you come with me?" He said it pretty spontaneously. I'm just providing the context if that helps.

 

Also just to be totally fair, it is possible that he's planning to pay for me on the trip. I haven't seen him since I booked the flight, we've just texted about it. For instance, it was his birthday a few weeks ago. I paid for us to go to a play together (tickets were about $50 each) as his birthday gift. No biggie, no issue. Anyway a week after that event, when he was celebrating his birthday with friends he paid for my dinner/drinks. I didn't want him to as it was his birthday, but he insisted. (we do not pay for each other on dates so this was pretty noticeable). I could totally be overreading it, but yeah I'm thinking he may pay for things on the trip. Regardless, I'd be lying if I didn't say I was a little disappointed he didn't say thanks for joining him but I'm hoping this will come up on our little mini-trip this weekend.

 

He has plenty of good traits. He is very thoughtful, kind, respectful, encouraging of my dreams, a great listener and we have very similar values. We have not said we love each other but that comes in its own time and it's just been a couple of months. I will say that when we are together, I feel like he is falling for me. He planned his birthday purely around my schedule just so that I could meet his friends. He always wants to stay up late talking to me about things. He really values what I say and seems to always want my advice/gives me advice. He's always telling me how happy he feels or how much he loves X, Y and Z about me. He seems to adore my quirks which has been a massive relief as I can be very silly. One of his friends teased me (it was harmless) and he stood up for me and didn't join in on it. He's also very protective. He's already talking about things we can do in the future, like when I get back in 2017. At the very least I know that he does care about me (even if it's not love or anything like that).

 

I've also had my share of bad relationships so I'm well aware of flags to look out for, and as crazy as I am about him, I know I have the strength to let him go and move on if I ever feel there's no future with him or that he's messing me around. He's 24 actually, and I'm 28. The age gap does not bother me at all but I'm mentioning this because if he did start treating me disrespectfully, I'd definitely let it go. I'm NOT looking for marriage/kids in the next 5 years but I am only interested in having long term meaningful relationships since I'd rather invest in a guy who is open to having that future with me.

 

Hope this answers your question

[mbee]

He's either a clueless chump, or he's a lazy dater that only does the minimum. Either way, if he isn't listening to you, this would be a pretty good indicator as to why his past relationships ended fast and furious. The unhealthy relationship he told you about was probably due to the lack of communication and listening on his part, and his ex turned toxic due to her frustration with him. She most likely was very in love with him, so she stuck it out for 6 months.

 

He sounds pretty thick in the head, so you can't beat around the bush, or give subtle hints, etc. You are going to have to sit him down and firmly explain what your expectations are especially for the month you both will be separated. You need to make sure he sees how serious this is too you and can't be just brushed off.

 

If he sticks to his old way, you part ways....he's a hopeless case.

 

I do agree with you. I will also say he's pretty clueless with relationships. Without sharing too much, he's done several things where I was a bit like egh what. Once I confirmed he'd never been in a relationship it all made sense. He is very naive about love and like I mentioned earlier, I strongly believe he's never been in love before.

 

I do know some details about the last girl he dated, and in my opinion they were not in a 6 month relationship but were casually seeing each other. My boyfriend thinks differently but the more I hear, the more casual it sounds. She broke up with him via text and never talked to him again. In 2 months he's already said, "I've never done/said/shared this to someone before" like a ton of times to me. Even sexually, he's used to very short flings / one night stands so hasn't experimented a bunch and has already done the whole, I've never done this before and stuff or had much intimate/loving sex. I really honestly think he's just clueless.

 

Yep that's my suspicion as well, so I'll do my best to find the balance between communicating to him and giving him space to show me how he feels.

[Gaeta]

I do agree with you. I will also say he's pretty clueless with relationships. Without sharing too much, he's done several things where I was a bit like egh what. Once I confirmed he'd never been in a relationship it all made sense. He is very naive about love and like I mentioned earlier, I strongly believe he's never been in love before.

 

You have to stop saying he is clueless with relationships. He is not. In all of those short term relationships he was told by his then GFs how to behave and he chose not to comply, like he chose not to comply with you. It's the same pattern repeating with you, at the exact same time, do you see it?

 

About the age. Sure it does not bother you he is probably hot right? but it doesn't change the fact our brain keeps on developing till the age of 25.

 

Right now his frontal lobe isn't done building, it's the part that allows us to think long term. Even if you'd beat him up with a stick to understand you want him to text you in 2 months it won't register.

 

To top it all men emotionally mature much slower than women. To calculate emotional maturity you subtract 4 years to men and add 4 years to women. He is about 20 emotionally.

 

If you were 40 and him 36 than you'd be both on the same level but not at his age. At 24 men want adventure (which you have on weekends) but they don't want to be locked down in a routine (texting regularly) like a man of 28 would want.

Edited November 4, 2016 by Gaeta

[mbee]

Thanks for your reply but I completely disagree with you. I don't stereotype people based on their age. Just like I get upset when a guy assumes I want marriage and kids by the time I'm 30 just because I'm female and happen to be 28. We are all individuals with different wants and needs. I have plenty of friends who married in their mid-20s and I personally find that early to get married, but everyone is different and has their values. We had a conversation early on about what we are both looking for in the next 5-10 years regarding marriage and children, so we are on the same page.

 

He's the first younger guy I've dated and I can tell you that I've dated guys my age and older who were not ready to settle down and could not even have a mature conversation about what they want in 5-10 years.

 

I also don't understand why people keep jumping to negative conclusions and assuming the worst based the very little I mentioned. I mentioned I'm very happy with him, our time together is wonderful and overall I'm happy. I just sensed a couple of issues that I know may be problematic. I got great advice on that so I feel prepared for the next few weeks. He texts me every other day, which is what I want... (this isn't about how often he contacts me, just about calling every so often and I intend to bring it up this weekend) and yeah he's an attractive guy but I care far more about our emotional/mental connection. We didn't even progress physically because I wanted to make sure we both genuinely like each other because physical chemistry can skew things. He's a genuinely great guy and I love talking to him and spending time with him.. so this isn't some superficial thing.

 

There's enough stigma and stereotypes in the world... I don't really buy into anyone who has a problem with an older woman dating a slightly younger guy. He's 4 years younger... not a big deal at all. We are in the same stage, have similar values and have the same 5-10 year plan so who cares.

Edited November 4, 2016 by mbee

[fenix]

Thanks for your reply but I completely disagree with you. I don't stereotype people based on their age. Just like I get upset when a guy assumes I want marriage and kids by the time I'm 30 just because I'm female and happen to be 28. We are all individuals with different wants and needs. I have plenty of friends who married in their mid-20s and I personally find that early to get married, but everyone is different and has their values. We had a conversation early on about what we are both looking for in the next 5-10 years regarding marriage and children, so we are on the same page.

 

He's the first younger guy I've dated and I can tell you that I've dated guys my age and older who were not ready to settle down and could not even have a mature conversation about what they want in 5-10 years.

 

I also don't understand why people keep jumping to negative conclusions and assuming the worst based the very little I mentioned. I mentioned I'm very happy with him, our time together is wonderful and overall I'm happy. I just sensed a couple of issues that I know may be problematic. I got great advice on that so I feel prepared for the next few weeks. He texts me every other day, which is what I want... (this isn't about how often he contacts me, just about calling every so often and I intend to bring it up this weekend) and yeah he's an attractive guy but I care far more about our emotional/mental connection. We didn't even progress physically because I wanted to make sure we both genuinely like each other because physical chemistry can skew things. He's a genuinely great guy and I love talking to him and spending time with him.. so this isn't some superficial thing.

 

There's enough stigma and stereotypes in the world... I don't really buy into anyone who has a problem with an older woman dating a slightly younger guy. He's 4 years younger... not a big deal at all. We are in the same stage, have similar values and have the same 5-10 year plan so who cares.

 

I agree with that ^^ All generalizations are wrong by default.. and no one here knows better than you how your relationship is moving on.

My advise is to go with the flow, enjoy yourself and don't get too invested till he shows you he is getting invested.

Having someone who is fun and attractive with you is what many women would wish to have so don't let the "dump him" patrol let you feel down and make your own judgement.

Edited November 4, 2016 by fenix

[Gaeta]

Who talks about where they will be in 5 to 10 years!! At 28 you should be thinking where you will be next year not in 10 years. For a 24 yo man 10 years means nothing!! To him it's nothing tangible. When l was 24 l thought 35 was old!

 

You can disagree all you want with me it won't change the medical facts, the studies and statistics.

[Els]

He's 24 actually, and I'm 28. The age gap does not bother me at all but I'm mentioning this because if he did start treating me disrespectfully, I'd definitely let it go. I'm NOT looking for marriage/kids in the next 5 years but I am only interested in having long term meaningful relationships since I'd rather invest in a guy who is open to having that future with me.

 

Oh, okay! Well, if he's 24, it really doesn't mean anything that he's never had a LTR. In fact I daresay something like 50% of the people I know hadn't had a LTR yet at 24. No biggie.

 

I also disagree with the poster who said that a 24-yo man cannot be expected to be bf material. While I would say that the odds are lower, there are plenty of 24-yo-or-younger men (I dated a few of them) who are consistent with communication and put in effort. At least at the start of a relationship (which you are at!). Don't lower your standards for him just because of his age.

 

As for the rest of it, well, it really just depends on how you feel about it I guess. Just make sure that you look out for yourself and view his actions through objective lenses.

[Gaeta]

. While I would say that the odds are lower, there are plenty of 24-yo-or-younger men (I dated a few of them) who are consistent with communication and put in effort.

 

But it's not the case here right?

 

This guy is not the typical 24 yo mature man you come across once in a while. This guy here A) absent with communication B) absent in making efforts about communication C) is unappreciative of OP's time and money. To me that's a typical 24 yo who doesn't want to be tied down and be told what to do.

 

OP: Don't put your head in the sand.

 

1. You cannot change a man, what you see is what you get

 

2. Let him go on his trip and let him show you what he's made of

 

3. Don't compensate for him. Meaning if it's been 3 days with no

communication so you text him -- Don't do that. Let him run free and see for yourself what he's got in his belly.

[Sunkissedpatio]

 

I do know some details about the last girl he dated, and in my opinion they were not in a 6 month relationship but were casually seeing each other. My boyfriend thinks differently but the more I hear, the more casual it sounds. She broke up with him via text and never talked to him again. In 2 months he's already said, "I've never done/said/shared this to someone before" like a ton of times to me. Even sexually, he's used to very short flings / one night stands so hasn't experimented a bunch and has already done the whole, I've never done this before and stuff or had much intimate/loving sex. I really honestly think he's just clueless.

 

Yep that's my suspicion as well, so I'll do my best to find the balance between communicating to him and giving him space to show me how he feels.

 

You've been on trips with this guy, you've celebrated birthdays and gave good gifts, you seem to spend a lot of timetogether, I wouldn't sit back and let this guy "hang himself" because you are waiting for him to mess up on his own.

That's relationship suicide.

 

You've shared enough that you are past the point of scaring him away by asking for what you want. Self-confidence breeds communication, insecurity and fear breed tests and tricks to get to the truth. If after you express your needs he still doesn't deliver you'll know you've put your best foot forward to help him succeed.

Edited November 4, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

[hippychick3]

You've been on trips with this guy, you've celebrated birthdays and gave good gifts, you seem to spend a lot of timetogether, I wouldn't sit back and let this guy "hang himself" because you are waiting for him to mess up on his own.

That's relationship suicide.

 

You've shared enough that you are past the point of scaring him away by asking for what you want. Self-confidence breeds communication, insecurity and fear breed tests and tricks to get to the truth. If after you express your needs he still doesn't deliver you'll know you've put your best foot forward to help him succeed.

 

OP already did this, and nothing changed. She stated this in her initial post.

[TheTraveler]

OT: where is this place you want to go?

[fenix]

OP already did this, and nothing changed. She stated this in her initial post.

 

No, she "kindly suggested she would like something"... That is not expressing a need, that is expressing a preference. She needs to talk clearly with the guy and tell him what she wants... or accept him as he is.

 

The thing is that 2 month dating I would just go with the flow and I would not try to force anything, if things do not come naturally with the time then OP can take the decision to move on. I find the whole discussion too premature looking at the stage the relationship is right now.

[Sunkissedpatio]

OP already did this, and nothing changed. She stated this in her initial post.

 

True, but that is while they are here, in the same country/same city and seeing each other a lot. Her concern is going forward while they are living in different continents what is that communication going to look like for 6 weeks?

 

And rather than playing petty games of "wait and see how he's going to act based on one random expression of "I love it when you call" why not ask him what he envisions for those weeks and express her desire to not lose touch?

There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

 

Again, this isn't some guy she went out on 2 dates with and whom she is asking for more. This is someone whom she is seeing regularly and has even been away on a trip with already so they are past the "I have to watch my p's and q's for fear of chasing him away" She also already expressed he's had a few odd communication incidents with his friends so it isn't exclusive to his romantic relationships. In a month of dating other girls or one night stands there was clearly no chance for discussions of expectations he hasn't learned some things and likely not even his friends have pointed out to him what works and what doesn't.

 

This is precisely the time in the relationships to start setting a precedent for how their communication will look going forward. Asking for what your preference is in a relationship is being confident about having those needs met. Everything else this guy is doing is good, he is emotionally open, spending almost all his time with her, his actions speak volumes in terms of high interest, he just needs to learn her preferences and vice versa. In this situation given what mbee has described she would be barking up the right tree IMO.

 

To me that's a discussion worth pursuing and having.

[hippychick3]

No, she "kindly suggested she would like something"... That is not expressing a need, that is expressing a preference. She needs to talk clearly with the guy and tell him what she wants... or accept him as he is.

 

The thing is that 2 month dating I would just go with the flow and I would not try to force anything, if things do not come naturally with the time then OP can take the decision to move on. I find the whole discussion too premature looking at the stage the relationship is right now.

 

In my book, kindly suggesting I like something is enough to convey what I want from someone. If he doesn't get that and isn't willing to do that something I've told him I would really like for him to do, then I don't see the point in "retelling" him my needs. Again, this is who he is.

 

That is my take. If OP wants to do things differently, it's her call. I personally prefer to observe actions and determine if it works for me or it doesn't work for me. Not communicating with me, not listening to my communication preferences, and not contributing to or appreciating $600 I spent on airfare for his work trip is just something that would not work for me, personally.

[Gaeta]

Her words: I gently and kindly told him that "I would love to hear from him for a bit and chat on the phone." He kinda ignored my request, then said he was too tired and he'd call me another time, but he has not yet

 

First round she told him: He ignores her

Second round: Gives her the excuse he's too tired

 

He does not want to keep in touch with her, end of story. It's not about him not understanding the difference between a preference and a need. At 24 he better know it's the same darn thing when a woman says 'I would prefer....'

 

Again, this man has a history of being dumped after 2 months. Ya'll don't understand why now?

[fenix]

 

Again, this man has a history of being dumped after 2 months. Ya'll don't understand why now?

 

Well, I would like to know if the history is about him getting dumped after 2 months or he dumping them ... that changes the whole thing.

[Anika9]

Well what exactly is he worried about. i mean heis theone who is in conmtrol of whether he can be in a long term relationship or not. Dating vs a relationship basically boils down to monogamy . Is he worried he will cheat or what exactly. because cheating does not happen one has to do it. Is he worried he will get bored? that can happen even in seasoned relationshipers- not a word i know lol

 

its interesting you both know and are concerned about his potential inability with long term commitment but no one has spoken about what the concern is?

 

To address a problem one mu know what it is. To solve a problem one must be interested and willing to do so.

 

If he WANTS a long term relationship he should be examining how to be successful at it. Not worrying he cant do it. Im not in any way saying he's 'lying' but maybe he is not aware of how he really feels. does he ask how to make it work, worrying is often something we 'do' to give ourselves an excuse to 'not do'.

 

Why not just have a real life talk about it. find out what his actual concerns are and how they measure against what he really wants.

[Anika9]

My fwb paid for my return tickets accross the country. And we were only casual.

 

How pathetic and tight of him to allow you to pay your way; real men treat their women. We shave and buy beauty products and put more emphasis on looking good. Men should pay fof date related crap and things like small trips.

 

If he was super into you then you would not have doubts.

 

>> Thats hardly comparable lol id rather a guy out emphasis on his looks. ill gladly pay my way.

[mbee]

Hi All. Thanks for your reply. The_Traveler the location is Fiji so a pretty solid holiday destination in my books.

 

Fenix and Gaeta, from what I know, he's been the one who has been dumped. However, do keep in mind his definition of relationships is pretty different from mine. For instance, he was in a relationship with a girl for a MONTH and she broke up with him but felt they were never in a relationship and were just seeing each other (so in her opinion they were not in a relationship). From everything he tells me, the only relationship I'd qualify as a pseudo-relationship is the 6 month one, but that one also sounded very casual.

 

I agree with Gaeta that something did feel off when he ignored me saying I'd love to chat on the phone sometime. That did feel off, hence me posting the question on here cause I'm used to guys picking up the hint and eventually calling or at least acknowledging it. He does call me about plans so this isn't one of those guys who never, ever calls. He just doesn't call to chat for a few minutes.

 

I asked this question because him not having any relationship experience does make me concerned he's not able to compromise. Or that he hasn't learned that he needs to show appreciation. I'm happy to do my part, but he's got to do his too.

 

However, all this happened in the past 4-5 days. I'm not breaking up with this guy or assuming the worst right now based on this and without giving him a chance to step up. I'm taking all your tips and will discuss this a little with him this weekend as we have plenty of alone time. I'm thinking I'll probably say "hey, let's check in next week, call me when you have some free time at night, it'd be great to hear from you." I'm not going to call him or pick a day for him to call.

 

To me if a guy wants to be with me, he'd call and make that small effort. So next week I'll see if he can give me a call. If not, I believe Gaeta and a couple of other posters are correct, that he's not that invested and probably not ready for a long term relationship (at least with me), even if he desires one. If he cannot step up next week, then I will know where he stands and I will step back and work on investing myself less in him or seeing this as not a long term thing.

 

Same with the appreciation. Given we are together this weekend, that should give us ample time to discuss the trip and an opportunity for him to at the very least say thanks. As I said, he may even offer to pay for things during the trip but given we haven't chatted since I booked the flight, it's tough for me to gauge where his head is at.