persephone28 Posted November 3, 2016 Posted November 3, 2016 Brief outline: Met this guy 2 weeks ago. we had a one night stand but he seemed really keen and before I left he asked me if I wanted to come round again the following night. I did but by the time I got there I had changed my mind about sleeping with him. He seemed mortified, said we didn’t have to have sex, we could take things slow and get to know eachother, and he was not using me for sex. Before I left he asked when I wanted to meet up again and we agreed Wednesday. Went for a date and before we parted he asked when I wanted to meet again. We agreed Sunday. Sunday came around and he flaked, saying he was hungover, and sorry. I said I was gonna make other plans then. I saw him in the pub a few hours later and texted him that I’d seen him and he was an ass. He called me the next morning and afternoon, I missed both calls. Third time I answered and he apologised explaining his old friend from the army was visiting and having a hard time, he honestly wasn’t going to go out, but he should have told me. He asked if I wanted to go out again this week and said he would call me. That was Mon, it’s now Thurs. So, I guess what I wondering is. Is he stringing me along? How late is too late to accept contact from him and still keep my self respect? I don’t like the feeling of being picked up and dropped like this. Am I being unreasonable? I hardly know him. I’ve spent all of my adult dating life being treated badly by men by being too available. The last thing I want to do is let this guy think he can do whatever he wants and I’ll still be here, on standby. Thats the mistake I think I have made in the past and I want to avoid. At the same time I want to avoid being too princessey. I don’t want to be treated like an option, but is it reasonable to expect to be treated otherwise by someone who I hardly even know? When do people think it is 'too late' for him to contact me? My gut feeling is really he should have contacted me within a couple of days after that to arrange another date if he was really interested. There's loads more detail to this situation, of course, which I can clarify if asked. Thank you in advance.
PinkPampies Posted November 3, 2016 Posted November 3, 2016 All bets are off when a relationship starts as a one night stand. Best bet is to tell him you like him more than that and want to get to know him properly. No games. That's how I would roll. If he starts playing games, then bounce. If you don't want to be too available, then don't be. Live your life and keep busy and if and when he contacts you, take it from there. Either he likes you more than a one night stand or he doesn't. There's nothing you can say to altar the chemistry or his mind. If you feel he just wants to keep you for sex and you don't want that, then remove yourself from the situation.
Patrice Posted November 3, 2016 Posted November 3, 2016 games. If he is interested treat you with some respect for your time. Put it right out there. Life is short, demand to be appreciated and respected. If not, bounce and know there are better fish in the sea. 1
Toodaloo Posted November 3, 2016 Posted November 3, 2016 Ignore this one. He is more interested in a pint than you. 1
hippychick3 Posted November 3, 2016 Posted November 3, 2016 You should have forgotten about him the moment he flaked on you on Sunday. He was clearly only interested in sex. Move on. 1
stillafool Posted November 3, 2016 Posted November 3, 2016 Brief outline: Met this guy 2 weeks ago. we had a one night stand but he seemed really keen and before I left he asked me if I wanted to come round again the following night. . I hardly know him. . You had a one night stand so he didn't use you for sex, you used each other because you wanted it too. You can't undo history. Yes he sounds lukewarm for you so at this point you can just wait it out to see if he pursues you. Next time you might want to wait on the sex if you are interested in a relationship. 1
Author persephone28 Posted November 3, 2016 Author Posted November 3, 2016 Thanks for the replies. Just a couple of points to clarify. I didn't say I thought he was using me gfor sex and actually I didn't say that to him either. I merely said when I went round there that actually I didn't feel comfortable withthe situation and wanted to go home. It was him who suggested we didn't need to havew sex and he wasn't using me for sex and we could just get to know eachother slowly. I was surprised but obviously it couldve been bull. I don't feel used in the slightest. I am strugglong with working out whether he is attempting to lead me on subsequent to our night together and that's what I'm asking on here - does it seem to you he's leading me on. Suppose he was to contact me this weekend. Should I ignore it? Is it too long to wait? I think generallly if you're interested in someone you shoud be in regular contact, not with days to a week in between. Is this reasonable? Thanks again.
Toodaloo Posted November 3, 2016 Posted November 3, 2016 If a person likes you it stands to reason that they will contact you. He hasn't and isn't. He only said what he needed to say to get your knickers down. Sorry to say there are men like that out there. He used you. End of. Move on. 1
stillafool Posted November 3, 2016 Posted November 3, 2016 I don't feel used in the slightest. I am strugglong with working out whether he is attempting to lead me on subsequent to our night together and that's what I'm asking on here - does it seem to you he's leading me on. Suppose he was to contact me this weekend. Should I ignore it? Is it too long to wait? I think generallly if you're interested in someone you shoud be in regular contact, not with days to a week in between. Is this reasonable? Thanks again. Well I assume if you are asking if a man is leading you on it would only be for one thing and that's sex. So everyone here is assuming you want to know if he's using you for sex. Since you don't care about that okay. Now if he calls this weekend an asks you out go out if it suits you if not stay home.
Author persephone28 Posted November 3, 2016 Author Posted November 3, 2016 Hmmm. I think what I mean by 'is he leading me on' is, is he attempting to keep me on stand by, by saying the things he has said, or does he actually want to see me. I only slept with him once, and not the further two times I saw him. Maybe when he realised he wasn't gonna get the goodies again he backed off. I'm surprised he made such efforts to call me and apologise but then again the lengths males will go to to make their lives slightly easier never ceases to amaze me. Maybe he was worried it would be awkward next time he saw me. The real effort would have been in actually trying to make it up to me which so far he hasn't. It did occur to me that maybe he might have though I didn't want to see him after our last convo, as I was a bit vague about my availability and then told him i don't like being blown off. My question is, if he were to contact me this weekend, would I be a complete mug to see him again?
Author persephone28 Posted November 3, 2016 Author Posted November 3, 2016 You know what, I feel kind of lukewarm myself for this person now. How can I feel anything other than that when I feel so humiliated by being treated like dog food? Even if he wanted to see me this weekend, say. He's not pursuing me, and making me feel valued, at all. Why is it so hard not to tie up my own self worth with the worth someone else treats me with? That's what annoys and upsets me the most. I know he is just one guy, but this happens over and over again. I stopped having one night stands a long time ago and actually I haven't really had much to do with men for a few years. Because I repeat these same old patterns. I might sound like I have a victim mentality, I don't think I do, I'm just one of those very emotionally open and available people, I think, who wears my heart on my sleeve, and acts in the moment. Leaving me wide open to this sort of thing.
Author persephone28 Posted November 4, 2016 Author Posted November 4, 2016 UPDATE: I couldn't bear it any longer so I caved and texted him. Me:Hey, you alright? Wanna hang tomorrow? Him: Hey I'm good. How are you? I'm working all weekend I might be out for a few drinks at 7 but I'm not out long Me: Ok. I'm not gonna hang around. Genuinely, nice knowing ya. X Him:Lol are you serious Im busy working and Im not going to be out long thats what Im saying give me a break Me:It seems like you're not interested and I thought I was letting you off the hook. Are you telling me I'm wrong? Him: No just be patient I'm doing 12 days straight til next Friday Me:Right. So do you wanna see me? If you're not interested just give it to me straight. I'm a big girl I can handle it. I just don't want to waste my time being strung along. I totes understand about the working. Him:Yes I want to see you again once I'm free. Bulls**t?
Patrice Posted November 4, 2016 Posted November 4, 2016 even contacted him. Could be stress from work hours, but in any case - I would dump him.
hippychick3 Posted November 4, 2016 Posted November 4, 2016 Please stop pursuing him. He is NOT interested. Most guys do not want confrontation and will not come out and admit it directly, but it is clear that he does not want to date you.
VeveCakes Posted November 4, 2016 Posted November 4, 2016 Please stop pursuing him. He is NOT interested. Most guys do not want confrontation and will not come out and admit it directly, but it is clear that he does not want to date you. I think it's good OP just asked him. So many people complain about games and everything....I mean if you want to know - ask! And OP did. He said he wants to see you when he has time. So you have said your bit, I would just say - sounds good, text me if you want to hang. Then delete his number and carry on with your life. If he texts then good, if not then, you have the answer.
hippychick3 Posted November 4, 2016 Posted November 4, 2016 I think it's good OP just asked him. So many people complain about games and everything....I mean if you want to know - ask! And OP did. He said he wants to see you when he has time. So you have said your bit, I would just say - sounds good, text me if you want to hang. Then delete his number and carry on with your life. If he texts then good, if not then, you have the answer. His lack of contact especially after flaking on her already answered her question. So her text just made her appear desperate. She should have just moved on with dignity.
VeveCakes Posted November 4, 2016 Posted November 4, 2016 His lack of contact especially after flaking on her already answered her question. So her text just made her appear desperate. She should have just moved on with dignity. Being honest and upfront does retain your dignity and also shows you are a strong woman who knows what she wants. Sick of this being called "needy or desperate" for merely putting your wants and expectations out there. 2
TheTraveler Posted November 4, 2016 Posted November 4, 2016 UPDATE: I couldn't bear it any longer so I caved and texted him. Me:Hey, you alright? Wanna hang tomorrow? Him: Hey I'm good. How are you? I'm working all weekend I might be out for a few drinks at 7 but I'm not out long Me: Ok. I'm not gonna hang around. Genuinely, nice knowing ya. X Him:Lol are you serious Im busy working and Im not going to be out long thats what Im saying give me a break Me:It seems like you're not interested and I thought I was letting you off the hook. Are you telling me I'm wrong? Him: No just be patient I'm doing 12 days straight til next Friday Me:Right. So do you wanna see me? If you're not interested just give it to me straight. I'm a big girl I can handle it. I just don't want to waste my time being strung along. I totes understand about the working. Him:Yes I want to see you again once I'm free. Bulls**t? After reading this, you have your answer. If he really wanted to see you he would meet for a drink after work at 7. From a guy's perspective this is a quick and easy bang. A drink after work, head back to the house. He's not that into you. I would move on
Author persephone28 Posted November 4, 2016 Author Posted November 4, 2016 If he doesn't like confrontation why reply in what I think is a slightly desperate way to my text saying I'm not gonna hang around, bye? I said it nicely. I gave him an easy way out on purpose, he didn't take it. My theory about dating is this. All these rules are bull s**t. If a guy gets put off by anything you do, they never really liked you in the first place. So may as well be direct. I was very direct with my last boyfriend, it didn't put him off. I resent being called desperate!! But of course your entitled to your opinion. I'm giving him the benefit of the. Doubt but I'm not gonna make any assumptions either way. Ill take him at face value. He said he wants to see me. Direct answer to a direct question. I think men are fairly linear like that. Us women like to read deeper meaning into things. A common one I see is when I guy says 'I'm not looking for a relationship right now. Lots of girls take that as 'one day I might want.a relationship with you'. It doesn't. It measn just what he said. Or so I've been advised. I want to see you means just that. He wants to see me. Not I want to marry you. Not I want a relaitionship with you. Just, I want to see you. It doesn't mean I don't really want to see you because I haven't contacted you in 4 days and I flaked out on you on sunday. A guys perspective would be helpful? We've arranged to meet next weekend. I'm honestly not putting all my hopes and dreams on this guy. 1
Author persephone28 Posted November 4, 2016 Author Posted November 4, 2016 After reading this, you have your answer. If he really wanted to see you he would meet for a drink after work at 7. From a guy's perspective this is a quick and easy bang. A drink after work, head back to the house. He's not that into you. I would move on He didn't invite me out this evening. I think he was just telling me he was going for a quick drinks afyter work in case I caught him in there again and questioned it!! Are you male or female?
TheTraveler Posted November 4, 2016 Posted November 4, 2016 He didn't invite me out this evening. I think he was just telling me he was going for a quick drinks afyter work in case I caught him in there again and questioned it!! Are you male or female? Male That's my point. You reached out and offered to meet up. If he really wanted to see you he would go to work, meet for a drink after, and take you home and have sex. Guess what, he's not. Have something lined up a week from now? Meh, i wouldn't get my hopes up as a lot can happen in a week. You pulled the sex on the 2nd meet up, and it all went downhill from there.
VeveCakes Posted November 4, 2016 Posted November 4, 2016 My theory about dating is this. All these rules are bull s**t. If a guy gets put off by anything you do, they never really liked you in the first place. So may as well be direct. this exactly.
Author persephone28 Posted November 4, 2016 Author Posted November 4, 2016 (edited) Male That's my point. You reached out and offered to meet up. If he really wanted to see you he would go to work, meet for a drink after, and take you home and have sex. Guess what, he's not. Have something lined up a week from now? Meh, i wouldn't get my hopes up as a lot can happen in a week. You pulled the sex on the 2nd meet up, and it all went downhill from there. Maybe. I still don't understand why he'd even bother replying to me. I would have told me to eff off by now if I didn't like me. Ghosting or being vague would also be easy. Or a simple 'that's a shame - see you around' after my second text would have put a neat and simple non confrontational end to all of this. That's why I said it - to give him an easy get out. Edited November 4, 2016 by persephone28
TheTraveler Posted November 4, 2016 Posted November 4, 2016 Maybe. I still don't understand why he'd even bother replying to me. I would have told me to eff off by now if I didn't like me. Ghosting or being vague would also be easy. Or a simple 'that's a shame - see you around' after my second text would have put a neat and simple non confrontational end to all of this. That's why I said it - to give him an easy get out. Not everyone ghosts or be vague. Probably keeping you around rather than dropping you completely.
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