Should I keep NC or text him?

[jammer]

I was together with my ex boyfriend for 6 months. It was love at first sight and we wanted to give it a try even though we both knew he would move to college at the other side of the world 5 months later, where he would stay for at least 3 years. For him it was his first serious relationship (He's 22). We had a very special and intimate relationship and became very close and also best friends. We shared everything. We did get through some hard things (abortion etc.) that almost destroyed our relationship, but we got through it.

 

Whe had been unsure if our relationship would work since he would move to other side of the world, but we really wanted to give it a try because we loved eachother deeply. When the day came that he finally had to move, we where both in tears. He told me everything would be okay, that he knew we could do this and told me that everything he wanted was to be with me. That I was not only his girlfriend, but also his best friend.

 

I was going to visit him about 6 weeks later, but we never got that far. About a month after he moved, he told me he had been thinking of breaking up. He missed the single life he had in college before we met, and told me he was unsure if he was ready for a relationship. He also told me he knew I was his soulmate and he wanted to be together with me forever, but he was afraid that he would later regret not ''living his life'' as single during college, in case we would break up later. He told me he loved me and missed me so much, but he didn't understand his own feelings. He said that he was going to talk with a therapist, but after a week of going back and forth, I just couldn't take it anymore and wanted him to make up his mind. He said he wanted to wait making a decision, since he knew he probably would regret ending our relationship, but he said that he needed time away from me to know for sure that he wanted to be with me for 100 %. He said he would contact me when he was 100 % ready for a relationship and that he knew he would probably regret his decision, but that he knew I was not going to wait for him.

 

Just a couple hours after the breakup he texted me that he was so sad and had been crying all day because he never had been so close to someone. I texted him back and basically said he was selfish, that I had been crying all week but felt relieve now that he finally made up his mind. I told him that if he was going to be with other girls, that I would not take him back since I would not feel the same love for him afterwards if he did. He then texted me that he was not sure about breaking up, and asked for a ''break'' where we would not be with anyone else during the break.

I texted him back that I'd had enough of him going back and forth and that I was not a dog waiting for him regardless how much he hurted me and not a toy he could just throw away and retrieve whenever he felt like. I told him that I was not his girlfriend anymore, but if he did regret breaking up, he could let me know, but not until he was 100 % sure and that I would be moving on during that time.

 

He answered he was sorry for making me feel like he disrespected me and that he always tried to show me respect. He said he was right about that I was not his anymore and he was not mine anymore. He did not want to remember us as enemys and said that we both would be better off like this and wished me luck in life. I then decided to go NC so I did not answer his text.

 

2 weeks later he texted me again. Asking me how I was doing and saying sorry for the way he broke up with me, and that he should have done it in a better way. I did not answer his text.

 

3 days later he texted again. He said he would have wanted to know if I was ok, but that he totally understood why i did not answer. He said he had to say sorry to me for forgiving himself, and now that he had, he would not contact me anymore and again wished me all the luck in life and thanking for the special time we shared.

 

Today it's been 2 weeks since his last text and a month of NC. I really don't know that to do. Since he thanked for the time we shared and said he would not contact me anymore, I guess I won't hear anything more from him. That's why I'm afraid of keep going NC. But - If I do contact him to early, he maybe does not miss me enough to reconsile. He will be back in my country for the christmas holidays (6 weeks left). I'm pretty sure he would regret breaking up with me while he comes home and will remeber all the good things, since everything felt perfect before he moved. But I'm not sure if he would contact me even if he would regret breaking up, because I did not answer his texts. What should I do? Contact him? In what way? I thought about asking him about skypesex which we had just before the breakup (he told me he cried all night thinking of us after we had skypesex). Just skypesex, and no talking. I know that would make him miss me, and I know he would want to talk to me afterwards, and if I would go cold turkey and not talk to him (only skypesex), he would probably realize what he threw away. Or should I text him about a good memory we shared? Or should I wait? I could need some help... I miss him so, so much.

[umirano]

He hasn't said he wants you back unconditionally. What makes you think the flip-flopping is over for good?

 

I think breaking NC will only set you back all the way to where things went down.

[jammer]

Well, he told me that when he was 100 % ready for a relationship, I would be the first one to know. I'm just not sure if I ****ed it up by not answering his ''sorry'' texts. What do you mean by flip-flopping?

 

Could I just send a casual text? Not showing so much interest?

[umirano]

* first relationship

* abortion

 

Just these two things, and all this other drama. Are you sure this is the right path?

 

He told you what he wants. The single life. Even if you manage to talk him into getting back with you it's probably not what you want. He'll still have this urge to meet other girls. He doesn't know yet what he wants.

 

And it's only six months. Six months in it should be butterflies and no drama. Move on and be glad it's just six months. I was upset last week after my BU after a 1.5y RS. Then I read the threads where people got dumped after4,5 or even 8 years.

 

It always sucks but you can be fairly certain that you will be better off without this boy and the drama filled relationship.

 

Hugs and good luck!

[umirano]

Any text shows interest. Believe me ge knows you want him. But you shouldn't. And he certainly doesn't want you, at least not now.

[Sunnymae]

I would say, yeah, go ahead and text him, to catch up and see what's going on. Maybe share something about your day. I wouldn't say anything thing clingy or to lovey, just casual conversation then maybe work in the sexskype. Just have a casual conversation, no jealous innuendo, or trying to manipulate an outcome. And as far as you dating, there's no need to disclose that information, since it would just start a fight. Just keep it light, be playfully pleasant, keep contact limited. I mean, umm, it seems like he cares about you! and you about him. I guess he wants to enjoy the college experience, and can't if he's in a relationship. He's probably hoping that your love will withstand the test of time Hmmm..

Okay, I know this is clichéish, and I'm probably going to sound like your grandmother here. I've learned that it is not a good idea to put all your eggs in one basket. Go out, and have fun with friends, including guys. There's no need for you to feel guilty about going out b/c from what I can tell he's out there having fun. But, it also sounds like he's missing you.

Don't obsess about what he's doing, trust me if the love is real, he'll realize it which from what you're saying he already has. Pretty soon he'll be wanting to stay home and talk to you or Skype sex. As of right now, you're both single so why don't you go out and enjoy yourself, do the Skype sex with him, And whatnot, just stop obsessing, and have fun.

[jammer]

Thank you for your advice!

 

I just had to break NC. Couldn't resist it since I was afraid he would never contact me again even if he did regret it. So I asked him a question about something practical outside our relationship that I had to ask him, and also told him I heard a song on the radio that we used to sing and thought of him. He responded several hours later. Very friendly but cautious. I then asked him how he was doing and said that I was at a party and my friends had just dissapeared. He said he was fine and ''laughed'' at me. He asked me how I was. I then said ''Im good. Just found one of my friends. We'll talk another time. Be well!'' He answered very simple with ''You too ''.

 

I think he was pretty chocked that I actually texted him and seemed happy after ignoring him for a month, which made him answer friendly but cautious. I'm not sure if he just tried to show me he was not that interested/tried to move on, or just wanted to let me do the talk and see what I wanted. But I could tell by his way of texting that he was very carefull with what to answer. I also think he might have got dissapointed when I ended the conversation with him for being with my friends instead.

 

Well, all of this is off course guessing, but I felt actually great after our short conversation. I feel relieved since I now know for sure that he'll contact me if he misses me, and I also made it clear to him that I don't ''need'' him and can enjoy myself without him (I think he thought I was too dependend on him at the end of our relationship since he knew I was terrified of losing him).

 

I guess I'll just wait now until he reaches out. I just hope he will....

[jammer]

Okey, just wait until he reaches out was easier said then done. It's been 3 days since our little text conversation and the only thing I want to do right now is text him. Should I just wait? I'm trying really hard to think about other things and stay buissy, but whatever I do, I think about him. All the time. Do you think he'll reach out?

[Redhead14]

Thank you for your advice!

 

I just had to break NC. Couldn't resist it since I was afraid he would never contact me again even if he did regret it. So I asked him a question about something practical outside our relationship that I had to ask him, and also told him I heard a song on the radio that we used to sing and thought of him. He responded several hours later. Very friendly but cautious. I then asked him how he was doing and said that I was at a party and my friends had just dissapeared. He said he was fine and ''laughed'' at me. He asked me how I was. I then said ''Im good. Just found one of my friends. We'll talk another time. Be well!'' He answered very simple with ''You too ''.

 

I think he was pretty chocked that I actually texted him and seemed happy after ignoring him for a month, which made him answer friendly but cautious. I'm not sure if he just tried to show me he was not that interested/tried to move on, or just wanted to let me do the talk and see what I wanted. But I could tell by his way of texting that he was very carefull with what to answer. I also think he might have got dissapointed when I ended the conversation with him for being with my friends instead.

 

Well, all of this is off course guessing, but I felt actually great after our short conversation. I feel relieved since I now know for sure that he'll contact me if he misses me, and I also made it clear to him that I don't ''need'' him and can enjoy myself without him (I think he thought I was too dependend on him at the end of our relationship since he knew I was terrified of losing him).

 

I guess I'll just wait now until he reaches out. I just hope he will....

 

Leave this alone. Let him do the thinking and evaluating he needs to do without being tugged at.

 

You need to look at a break up like a sore, the more you pick at it, you prolong the healing process. He knows you're thinking about him, etc. Let him come to you if he's going to. Frankly, I would not tolerate a man putting me on "hold". He does not get to control what happens with MY life.

 

(I think he thought I was too dependend on him at the end of our relationship since he knew I was terrified of losing him).

 

If you really believe this, then you need to start demonstrating clearly and effectively that that is not or no longer the case if you have any hope of having him come back. If this is true, he will need to see change/difference. If you keep chasing him and pulling on him, you're only showing him that he was right . . .

[Sunnymae]

Delete his number!! so you're not tempted to text him. You already reached out to him once. Reaching out again will only make you appear needy/ clingy and will push him away further, give him a chance to miss you, or text back. If he doesn't reciprocate, then it's time to start working at moving on. It will be hard, but waiting around and obsessing about his text is not good for you. In the meantime, go out with friends that you have fun with, and laugh, reconnect with old friends people that will text you back, that enjoy hearing from you, and want to interact. You gotta do what's best for you, b/c waiting around for someone you care about and doesn't text back sucks. You deserve better.

[jammer]

I should have listened to you guys. But I did not. I texted him last week ''I still love you. Goodnight''. He texted me back a day later ''Has something happened? Or did you just want to ventilate?''. I answered ''Just wanted to let you know how I feel about you''. He texted a day later and said that I felt like a wanted to know how he felt, we could talk on whatsapp. He called me and started with asking if my intension was to get back together with him. I didn't want to be total honest so I just said ''...I don't know''. He then said that he did not want me to hope on that, because he did not want a relationship. He said he felt relieved after breaking up and did not miss our relationship. He said he misses me sometimes just to hang out or to just hold me. But he did not miss our relationship and did not want a relationship while he is studying.

 

It broke my heart. Did not know what to say, and then the call broke. He tried to call me again but it didn't work. I texted him it was okey, that I did not have anything to say. He said he had something more he wanted to say, and asked me if I wanted to meet him while he's in my country next month, and regardless if I wanted that or not, to say goodbye in a good way.

 

I said I did not feel a need of meeting him, since I was trying to move on and already had come so far, so it would only rip up old wounds. He then asked my why I texted him that I still loved him. I again said ''As I said, I just wanted to let you know how I felt about you''. He did not answer at that.

 

I then asked him why he wanted to meet me, if he didn't want a relationship.

He said he wanted to know how it would feel to see me again. I said it felt like he just wanted to have someone to have sex with during his visit. He said that was not the reason. He wanted to know if it still felt the same between us. If it still would feel special, but that it was not a good idea if I was trying to move on and it would rip up old wounds. He said he didn't know if it was because we had not seen eachother for so long (2,5 months) or if he just lost his feelings for me.

 

I asked him that if it would feel the same, if he then wanted a relationship. He read my message, but didn't answer for some hours. I then decided I would not be able to handle his answer in case he would say no, so I texted him again ''Whatever. I don't need an answer. I'll let this go now. Won't contact you again''. I then blocked him on whatsapp. When he read it, he texted me ''I was going to answer. I don't really understand what you want when you first text me that you love me and when we start talking again, you block me''.

 

I didn't know what to answer so I waited a day. After a day he blocked me on whatsapp as well. I texted him back ''You where very clear that you did not want a relationship or had any feelings left for me. I don't want to be friends or your f*ckbuddy, so I see no reason to keep talking''.

 

He didn't answer. I feel worse then ever. I'm trying to move on now, but it's hard when it feels like he could still regret his mind when he comes back to my country and when everything at his home will remind him of me and what we had. I just don't know if I ****ed it all up. I should have listened your advice, but I was stupid.

 

Do you think there is any hope left?

Edited November 13, 2016 by jammer

[JewelD]

There is always hope. Hope that you will find the strength to move on from people who tell you point-blank they don't want to date you.

 

Most guys won't even be that blunt about it. Move on from this guy already. Doesn't seem like the message is going to sink in until you find out he's banging someone else.

 

Your self-esteem has to be really low if you're still plotting on how to get this guy back after he's told you he doesn't want to date you many times. You can't change his mind and even if you did, he would easily change it back when he got bored.

[Sunnymae]

Okay, I know it feels awful to reach out to your ex and to be blown off. Especially after the lovey, text you sent. I did it, even after getting advice to not contact him, and I'm sure I'm not the only one. Lesson learned.

 

From what I've read , it sounds like your ex may have some narcissistic sociopathic tendencies. Coping with a person with these tendency is difficult b/c the feelings that you have are not shared by them. Imagine a person that lacks empathy for others, and is unable to feel little to any deep emotion, and is plagued with restlessness. Who regards you as someone to be used for his temporary diversion. A person who suffers from an incurable disease of egocentrism.

 

My own experience is that the only concern they have for others is what others can do for them. So time to stop being emotional, start mirroring the non-emotional way your ex interacts with you.

 

It will take awhile to get those rose colored glasses off, but Hopefully they will come off before he needs something from you and Comes knocking. When your ex comes around try not to respond, but if you do Respond with indifference, and don't be emotional. Your contact with him if any, should only be if he contacts you first, and it should be short. Although others will advise full No contact. But Limited just was easier for me, you'll gauge which one works best for you. Remember to immediately delete his number after a brief response to his question, If you do limited contact.

Now it's Time to start working this through. Hangout with people that make you laugh (which helps replenish the oxytocin that's released when you're in love) The first weeks will be hard till so you're really going to have to be non emotional. Read some post from Zahara she helped me get through my breakup.

 

Also if tempted to send him a closure letter write in in the Coping section under instead of sending it to your ex write it here. This really helped me get it off my chest. And lastly, it takes many steps but you'll get there.

[Kelley]

Take this as a hard lesson learnt. There is no hope left he has told you it's over and you need to accept it and heal now. Delete his number and just move forwards the best you can. Trust me the pain will go and you will recover. Not having any contact will make it so much easier. I know it hurts like hell, especially when you go out on a limb and tell him you still love him, and he pretty much throws it back in your face. He doesn't deserve your love keep reminding yourself of that. The best revenge is moving on and living your life to the full never give him the satisfaction of knowing you are hurting over him!