She Is Confsed, I am Loosing Her

[zack9292]

We've been together for a little over 3 years now, engaged and great chemistry between us. As in, we both can't imagine someone better for each other and always talk about the future together.

 

Any conflicts we have won't last more than the day they happened and they have been seeming further between the longer we've been together.

 

I love her with all my heart, can't imagine a world without her and up until a few of weeks ago she would say the same.

 

I am a sensitive introvert.

 

She is an introverted extrovert who has always craved more interaction with others (friends, like-minded people etc) but has had a difficult time feeling accepted (even among family) and tough time coping with life's hurdles. It is a bit of a roller coaster sometimes, she could be motivated and upbeat one minute followed by feeling unmotivated and lost the next.

 

She visited her mum's for about 2 weeks and on her return she is feeling down more than ever and driven to find her purpose, to take a journey to find herself so to speak. I couldn't have been happier, I told her I would support her in whatever decisions she made and I'd not inhibit her being who she wanted to be. She replied saying she wanted to make these discoveries alone.

 

Sad discussions followed, where I've only been able to pick up little bits and make assumptions. I would ask her questions and she would reply almost always that she doesn't know the answer. For example, "You still see us together in the future right?".... "I don't know".

 

Now I'm gutted and paralyzed by this free-fall of dread and chaos that has hit us full force about 4 hours ago. She is on her way to talk to a psychologist (primarily regarding her finding direction and not relationship related so much) and she asked that I leave her to it by herself.

 

So now I'm sitting here where time couldn't be moving slower.

 

We've been through something similar previously, during the first year or so of our relationship. She was completely lost having feelings for someone from her past and didn't know if she wanted to pursue them or stay with me as we were at a point where we were making the bigger commitments to one another. I waited patiently trying to support, we saw couples counseling together (only 2-3 sessions) and abruptly the fog cleared for her, so to speak, and we bounced back closer than ever maybe 2 weeks after the free-fall began. During this time she had no answers and didn't know what direction to take. I told her this time feels very similar but she feels it is more different than similar although I'm not so sure, considering she seems so uncertain about most things.

 

I have no-one to talk to about this, so here I am... throwing my thoughts here while letting youtube autoplay through loud upsetting music... just to kill the time waiting for her to come home.

 

I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose her. I feel helpless.

[Sweetfish]

We've been together for a little over 3 years now, engaged and great chemistry between us. As in, we both can't imagine someone better for each other and always talk about the future together.

 

Any conflicts we have won't last more than the day they happened and they have been seeming further between the longer we've been together.

 

I love her with all my heart, can't imagine a world without her and up until a few of weeks ago she would say the same.

 

I am a sensitive introvert.

 

She is an introverted extrovert who has always craved more interaction with others (friends, like-minded people etc) but has had a difficult time feeling accepted (even among family) and tough time coping with life's hurdles. It is a bit of a roller coaster sometimes, she could be motivated and upbeat one minute followed by feeling unmotivated and lost the next.

 

She visited her mum's for about 2 weeks and on her return she is feeling down more than ever and driven to find her purpose, to take a journey to find herself so to speak. I couldn't have been happier, I told her I would support her in whatever decisions she made and I'd not inhibit her being who she wanted to be. She replied saying she wanted to make these discoveries alone.

 

Sad discussions followed, where I've only been able to pick up little bits and make assumptions. I would ask her questions and she would reply almost always that she doesn't know the answer. For example, "You still see us together in the future right?".... "I don't know".

 

Now I'm gutted and paralyzed by this free-fall of dread and chaos that has hit us full force about 4 hours ago. She is on her way to talk to a psychologist (primarily regarding her finding direction and not relationship related so much) and she asked that I leave her to it by herself.

 

So now I'm sitting here where time couldn't be moving slower.

 

We've been through something similar previously, during the first year or so of our relationship. She was completely lost having feelings for someone from her past and didn't know if she wanted to pursue them or stay with me as we were at a point where we were making the bigger commitments to one another. I waited patiently trying to support, we saw couples counseling together (only 2-3 sessions) and abruptly the fog cleared for her, so to speak, and we bounced back closer than ever maybe 2 weeks after the free-fall began. During this time she had no answers and didn't know what direction to take. I told her this time feels very similar but she feels it is more different than similar although I'm not so sure, considering she seems so uncertain about most things.

 

I have no-one to talk to about this, so here I am... throwing my thoughts here while letting youtube autoplay through loud upsetting music... just to kill the time waiting for her to come home.

 

I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose her. I feel helpless.

 

 

I know how you feel. Trust me, Ive been there. Even though the chemistry was good its probably been paralleled with depression and I wouldn't doubt that you only seen the tip of an iceberg of emotions she held hidden inside.

 

The biggest problem with these relationships and I'm seeing an on going trend, is the men (and women) who put in countless amount of effort to make sure their S.O. is at the same level as they are in education, health, finances, and emotional support only to be rewarded at the end of the show "sorry I'm not feeling it anymore." Next thing you know they give you attitude, they are the victim, and 2 weeks later with another person having the time of their lives.

 

All these are defense mechanism. I'm not saying this will happen in your case. Your job is to be prepare if these events happen and your job is to NOT react to them.

 

This is going to be a merry go round and you need to do NC and I have good evidence that NC is VITAL for both you and her and is the only way that you two can become better.

 

Notice I did not say get back together.

 

"she wanted to make these discoveries alone"

" to take a journey to find herself so to speak"

 

This is code for the 3 year glitch, the honeymoon stage is over, I want to try something new.

 

VERY VERY VERY rarely do I ever see the women or man actually improve themselves after these soo call revelations.

 

Notice she didn't say I want to get better? She just want to find direction.

 

Do not beg

Bargain

Say you will do what ever it takes

 

She is making a decision, If you were a GREAT GUY in the relationship. Don't worry you will always be THAT guy.

 

Any kind of PULLING is showing insecurity at this point. She knows how much you love her so talking or convincing her is just throwing your self under the bus.

 

Sorry the response is not sugar coated.. but its reality.

[zack9292]

Is there no hope?

We'd both agree our relationship has not degraded and it seems entirely focused around her wanting to find that direction she has never really had. Also, it's a very spiritual thing for her.

 

How can I prepare for these things? I feel it's impossible to do anything productive right now.

[mrs rubble]

Is there no hope?

We'd both agree our relationship has not degraded and it seems entirely focused around her wanting to find that direction she has never really had. Also, it's a very spiritual thing for her.

 

How can I prepare for these things? I feel it's impossible to do anything productive right now.

 

Why is the relationship entirely focused around her? What about your "direction" do you have any long term plans of your own with or without her? It sounds to me like you're letting her rule the roost so to speak and not looking out for yourself and your happiness. Maybe she'll find her "direction" if you're a bit more assertive??

Do you think there's any chance she might have someone else in her sights? Someone near where her mother lives?

[zack9292]

Why is the relationship entirely focused around her? What about your "direction" do you have any long term plans of your own with or without her? It sounds to me like you're letting her rule the roost so to speak and not looking out for yourself and your happiness. Maybe she'll find her "direction" if you're a bit more assertive??

Do you think there's any chance she might have someone else in her sights? Someone near where her mother lives?

 

Sorry for the confusion, it's not the relationship that is entirely focused around her. It is the issue of finding direction that is all hers. I'm fine in this regard.

 

She definitely has not got her sights on someone.

[Sweetfish]

Sorry for the confusion, it's not the relationship that is entirely focused around her. It is the issue of finding direction that is all hers. I'm fine in this regard.

 

She definitely has not got her sights on someone.

 

All she told you was the quality of the relationship has not degraded... doesn't mean her feelings haven't..

[VeveCakes]

Sorry for the confusion, it's not the relationship that is entirely focused around her. It is the issue of finding direction that is all hers. I'm fine in this regard.

 

She definitely has not got her sights on someone.

 

I think you missed the point...

 

She needs to "find herself" while you sit and wait. First of all - she is calling the shots. Second of all - there is someone else. This is TEXTBOOK speak for "I want to explore other options but don't want to lose you incase they don't want me".

 

Tell her she needs to let you know the status of the relationship by a certain date not too far off. Get your answer then and go from there.

[BluesPower]

VeveCakes is totally correct. I am sorry.

 

She found someone new and she does not what to hurt you so she would rather lie to you instead, NO DOUBT.

 

She went to the appt. alone so she could ask how to tell you probably.

 

You need to wake up and realize what is going on. She cheated and she is dumping you for the other guy.

 

Prepare for the worst because when you really are told the truth or you find out some other way, wow is it going to hurt. So you need to be prepared for that.

 

I am sorry that this is happening...

[zack9292]

Any possible cheating would only be emotional infidelity she has not come to terms with or has come to terms with it but is not yet confident enough to commit to these feelings in case they are a symptom of her personal hurdles.

This much I am sure.

 

Beyond that I have begun erasing expectations and I'm trying to prepare for healing in advance even if though she is clearly not ready for that.

 

Unfortunately everything appears normal.

We still sleep in the same bed cuddling, joke and mess around (flirtatious tickles and all that sappy), we still are clearly just as attracted to each as the day we met. We might even both argue we are more-so attracted.

 

But the telltale signs are all there and more than that my trust has reduced almost completely. I'm pushing on and not ending it myself, rather see this phase through with blind faith because of what everything we've been through together has meant to us. Right now I feel I just have to suck it up and let it run its course, clearly at my expense. I don't want to sabotage more than I have and push into an unnatural outcome.

 

Questioning her has put tremendous pressure on her and she is incapable of doing whats right by me because of the personal hurdles she is facing. I make no mistake, I am alone in this with little chance of recovering the life we had.