Kelsi Posted November 3, 2016 Posted November 3, 2016 Thank you all for sharing your stories and wisdom- all sides of the fence. I have been going through a much overdue divorce and have had all sorts of fears like, "Can I ever be with someone again, am I attractive, etc?" Annnnddd obviously I am in this area because I met a married man. We spent time together as friends and then pursued a sexual relationship. We have spent the night together twice. He has said many things that I have read here that are often total BS. "My marriage is over, we don't have sex, typical, typical." I have heard him lament on how miserable he is with his life and he wants out. I am into him but not THAT into him that I am completly crazy bent that feels like I can never recover- it would just take time and support. I don't have that in person. I regret that I involved myself with a man that belongs to another woman. I would be willing to pursue and see what happens if he were available though as he is someone I very much feel comfortable with and enjoy his company for now. I do have feelings for him but have tried to keep my guard up. I have been pretty upfront about where I am right now and a couple days ago I started to end it and got very emotional. That's when I went back for round 2. After reading much here I told him that if he is as miserable as he claims and plans on leaving then do so regardless of me as we may not even be together afterwards- along with- Do not contact me until you tell her it's over and she knows that you are ending the relationship and have left. I don't know what he plans to do- I take everything that he says without deep belief because of what I have read here. He claims he will sit her down this weekend and tell her the truths. Please be gentle in your replies as I am trying to right my wrongs and stop this. The hard part is that we developed a routine of everyday, all day texting and talking. I'm hoping that this place will fill some of that gap until the situation resolves one way or another. I do not want to feel ashamed any more regarding my personal moral compass gone awry and I do not want anyone to get more hurt. I confess my selfishness and what happened was wrong. It does feel good being with him even in that wrongness; I get torn by those feelings. I feel mostly ok right now but that can change suddenly when the "I miss..." kicks in. I guess I'm here for those moments. I don't really know what I'm doing but hope this is a good place for me. Thank you for reading.
Marc878 Posted November 3, 2016 Posted November 3, 2016 If you've been reading here you know what you're headed for. Your affair in not unique but just another run of the mill affair with a MM. It'll turn out just like all the others after he's finished with you. Sorry but that's where you are like so many others before you. 3
Author Kelsi Posted November 3, 2016 Author Posted November 3, 2016 That's what I fully expect but want to stand my ground before this hole gets deeper.
Marc878 Posted November 3, 2016 Posted November 3, 2016 No contact unless you want to waste your time/life. You never get it back. 2
aileD Posted November 3, 2016 Posted November 3, 2016 I'm glad your open to suggestions. I think you have a good plan but beware. Married men usually find their way around it. You can't wait for him to just "leave". Because when they leave they usually go back a few times to the wife. And stay there. It's happened recently to a few people here. So stand your ground. He can't just leave and move in with you. He needs to leave, get his own apartment, mourn his marriage, have divorce or separation filed and a plan for kids if there are any. Then he can call and ask you on a proper date. You have to stay strong though. Because the more you give in to seeing him and giving him any attention, the longer you will be in limbo with him. Because you set a precedence that he doesn't have to take any action at home to still get his cake from you. I wish you the best and you will find support here.
Author Kelsi Posted November 3, 2016 Author Posted November 3, 2016 Given that it's his first time saying he will tell her and it will be this weekend, my plan was no contact until Monday morning and if it wasn't done then block/delete everything. This my plan but I think he's gonna be too wimpy, at best, so preparing for it to not happen. It's 11 p.m. and I just caught myself checking my phone. Turning it off and going to keep reading here and such until I fall asleep. I can do this. I just need to stay in reality. 1
Marc878 Posted November 3, 2016 Posted November 3, 2016 One day at a time or you'll wake up two years from now still waiting on him to leave her and his family. 2
gettingstronger Posted November 3, 2016 Posted November 3, 2016 This doesn't sound like a good relationship for you. If he does leave his wife, how will that work with your already shakey self esteem? How much louder will those voices in your head get if you're in a relationship with a man that cheated in his marriage? Will the self doubt drive you crazy? You're already vulnerable, why add this to it? 3
Author Kelsi Posted November 3, 2016 Author Posted November 3, 2016 Thankfully there are no kids but your message is still the same. Geez nights are either the roughest for me or it's the time getting longer. Probably both. Nyquil!! (How bad is that?) Monday, Monday, Monday and I will see what he is made of. It gives me 4 days to go back to my old normal habits if I do this right. I used to turn my phone off every night, for starters, because I don't have to be up early and don't like my phone waking me up. Trying this sleep thing. He works nights so this a triggery time. Thank you for your words. EDIT: Just saw your post gettingstronger. Very valid stuff for me to think on.
Forever broken Posted November 3, 2016 Posted November 3, 2016 (edited) No judgement from me. I used to be the other woman. I will tell you a few advantages and disadvantages of an affair. I will first start with disadvantages. - It ends in disaster - Nobody wins - You will be a secret and will get only left overs if there are any. -You will have to work around his time. - You may have to spend all major holidays alone. - He will dump and resent you when the betrayed spouse finds out. -You will be heartbroken when he dumps you. - He might lay the blame on you when the affair is outed. - You are wasting your time and losing out on finding a potential partner who will love. - Put yourself in the wife's shoes. You wouldn't like that if it was you I will take a break and go with the advantages. - THERE IS NONE. Please, read through the forums and learn from others. I wish I had found this forum first. The earlier you get out of the affair, the better it will be for you and everyone involved . Sorry if I was harsh. Your story sounds too familiar. I don't want you ending up heartbroken like me. Edited November 3, 2016 by Forever broken One more added point 3
Arieswoman Posted November 3, 2016 Posted November 3, 2016 kelsi, As a BS, who booted their cheating husband's sorry @r$e out the door. IMO if this guy wanted to leave his wife he would have done it - he's just another "cake-eater" The only way you'll be with this guy is if his wife finds out and chucks him out. Do you want to be his back-up plan? Don't you want more for yourself than a partner who's a cheater? You need to get some self-respect and stop this now. 2
SammySammy Posted November 3, 2016 Posted November 3, 2016 No judgment from me either. My only advice is be honest with yourself, learn from the experience, forgive yourself, and move on. I'm not a fan of beating yourself up over the situation. Or allowing other people to emotionally manipulate you - whether that is the WS, BS, or someone else. Take what you can learn from it, make your peace with it, and move on as quickly as possible. Otherwise It can drag on and affect you life negatively for years.
Jemima1234 Posted November 3, 2016 Posted November 3, 2016 I really admire you actually for the stance you are taking just now. You are doing the right thing. No judgement from me as a former OW- I wish I had taken your stance. Just please stick with it- don't fall for any excuses, if he wants to be with you he will be. If he chooses to stay, then you move on. It does sound to me like you have more feelings than you ready to admit but maybe that wall is a good thing. Stay strong. I know it's tough. I find it so hard 3
anika99 Posted November 3, 2016 Posted November 3, 2016 What's supposed to happen by Monday? Is he supposed to be moved out by then? Or is he just supposed to tell his wife by then? If he says he told her, how will you know if that's true or not? I think you have just invited him to tell you a whole bunch of lies and do a whole bunch of stalling, "well I told her I'm leaving and now she's suicidal so I have to stay until she accepts that our marriage is over" "she definitely knows I'm leaving but I can't move out until the house sells, or until she gets a new job, or until the cat dies, etc" I think you should have said absolutely no contact until he is moved out into his own place for at least 6 months and divorce papers have been filed. Whatever you do, don't let him move straight into your place from living with his wife. That always seems to end with the MM running back home to his wife because that's not the way for a man to end his marriage, that's just a little boy running away from home for awhile. 6
Author Kelsi Posted November 3, 2016 Author Posted November 3, 2016 Thank you for all the replies- all input given has been welcome and worth thinking over. I'm at work so don't have time to reply to everything but want to make one thing clear- He is NOT moving into my house. Heck no. There's no way I'd let him move in- I just got a divorce, I'm not even remotely interested in jumping into that. He's good but he ain't that good. 1
ChickiePops Posted November 3, 2016 Posted November 3, 2016 Thank you for all the replies- all input given has been welcome and worth thinking over. I'm at work so don't have time to reply to everything but want to make one thing clear- He is NOT moving into my house. Heck no. There's no way I'd let him move in- I just got a divorce, I'm not even remotely interested in jumping into that. He's good but he ain't that good. If he's not that good then why are you trying to get him to leave his wife and blow up his entire family for you? 2
aileD Posted November 3, 2016 Posted November 3, 2016 If he's not that good then why are you trying to get him to leave his wife and blow up his entire family for you? This is a valid question? What's the answer? Please think about this. You're wanting him to destroy his FAMILY....and "he ain't THAT good..." 1
Patrice Posted November 3, 2016 Posted November 3, 2016 You are going through your own hell with the divorce. Please listen, divorced 7 years. It will get better and you don't need some cake eater, trying to hurt you more. 2
Author Kelsi Posted November 4, 2016 Author Posted November 4, 2016 (edited) No, no, no, I must suck at explaining this. I thought I was clearer. He said all that "I'm miserable and want a divorce stuff BEFORE I got involved." I don't want him to leave because of me- I just want to date him if he's really on the way out the door. And again...there are no kids involved. Edited November 4, 2016 by Kelsi
aileD Posted November 4, 2016 Posted November 4, 2016 But you don't get it. That's what they all say BEFORE you get involved. They set the stage. So you dont think too much about his wife and how she's getting hurt. You don't date someone who's "on their way out" You date people that are ALREADY out and are already living alone and single with divorce papers. we are just trying to help you. Read more here see how they all say the same things. He's still married. He's not available to date 4
whichwayisup Posted November 4, 2016 Posted November 4, 2016 No, no, no, I must suck at explaining this. I thought I was clearer. He said all that "I'm miserable and want a divorce stuff BEFORE I got involved." I don't want him to leave because of me- I just want to date him if he's really on the way out the door. And again...there are no kids involved. Then WAIT until he's divorced. Why 'date' (aka have an affair) with him now? You are living proof that those who want to divorce, do so. This man isn't going to leave his wife, he is/was just looking for an affair. Do you truly believe he's gonna end his marriage before the holidays? Then there's New Year's Eve, then a birthday or something else, Valentine's Day etc., For your own sanity put a time limit on it for yourself. Can you see yourself still in the A by spring/summer next year? give this some thought. Anyway, maybe being on your own and allowing your own wounds to heal, get yourself healthy again. You're far from over your marriage, let alone emotional baggage from that relationship.
JustJoe Posted November 4, 2016 Posted November 4, 2016 Actually, Kelsi, this is an easy one. 1. Make sure divorce is final. 2. THEN Look for new romance. 3. Ask if they are married. 4. DON'T sleep with the married ones. Simple. 4
ChickiePops Posted November 4, 2016 Posted November 4, 2016 No, no, no, I must suck at explaining this. I thought I was clearer. He said all that "I'm miserable and want a divorce stuff BEFORE I got involved." I don't want him to leave because of me- I just want to date him if he's really on the way out the door. And again...there are no kids involved. So then ask him to show you the divorce papers and the lease on his new home and don't go out with him again until he does. Problem solved!! 2
Southern Sun Posted November 4, 2016 Posted November 4, 2016 I don't know the statistics exactly, but let's say he is in fact the 1 married man in 10,000 who actually means what he says. He in fact fully intends to leave his wife. IF this is his first time bringing it up with her, well they have a lot of stuff to do! These types of changes don't happen overnight. Ending a marriage is a big deal (if he's a good guy). The first conversation is literally just putting it out there. It should be addressing the big giant elephant in the room. And the process after that is like eating said elephant - one miserable bite at a time. But if he is like the other 9,999 married men, he said what he said to get the relationship with you to progress. And maybe he is even kind of unhappy. Maybe he will even say something to his wife about it. My xMM did (unless he lied to me for years, lol). About three years ago he started whining to me about his marriage. And about two years ago he started talking to his wife about divorce. Approximately one and a half years ago he started meeting with attorneys and devising his financial plan. About a year ago he started talking about putting their house on the market. Guess who is still married and living in their house together? I've moved on but you get my point.
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