Why is he asking me what i want instead of just answering my question? What do I say?

November 3, 2016

#SunKissedPatio

That was really helpful. Kind of hit me with some things i clearly had not considered, and i can see why you'd comment my semi oblivion is concerning. I will be more careful to be certain of what my intentions are before communicating with him. You have put a lot of things in perspective, too bad i could not do that on my own, it seems pretty obvious now.. Solid advice.

Thank you.

November 3, 2016

Glad you found it useful Anika! We all feel that way, "now why didn't I just think of that?" It's far easier to see things from the outside looking in.

I hope you and your guy end up dating. The whole romance thing can be pretty confusing at times even when we have dated plenty. There's always a learning curve.

November 4, 2016

Hey guys just wanted to thank you for your time and patience. Looking back at the post it looks kind of confusing. I was never sure about the character limit so i added and subtracted words out of order. I can see we are allowed to use quite a lot of characters which is great.

I think however my posting had a lot to do with the fact i was not sure exactly what question to ask bc i was not certain what direction i want to go in. I have also never in my life thought about relationships ( i was planning on remaining single for ever as a test of will) and how to relate to someone i like -let alone write about it so its quite disorienting and is taking me a while to adjust to.

What i want 'exactly' is to spend time with him alone so we have a chance to get to know each other, because i like him and i am attracted to him. I understand i had a chance in the past to get to know him but i did not give myself an opportunity to get to know him, nor give him an opportunity to get to know mew. It is all well and good if i tried and it did not work. I would be happy that at least i tried. But for things to not work because i never tried, thats a disturbing introduction to romantic relationships.

Of course if he is not interested i respect that but id rather give him the chance to speak for himself, rather than my assuming.

I think asking him if he wants to hang out can be confusing because we hang out a lot -just not alone. This is easy enough to clarify. I can just tell him i want to spend time with him alone.

Thing is in the situation as it is, is it better to say i'm interested in dating, or just that i want to spend time with him alone? I don't want him to feel like i just see him as any friend, especially because of how badly i handled things in the past. but from what i can see people tend to put a lot of pressure on the word 'date'.

I have never -really- dated and hardly know what to expect nor do i have specific expectations. I see often guys assume Women sure expecting something if you are 'dating' as apposed to hanging out.

Don't get me wrong. if i had expectations i thought he wasn't cool with id WANT to know and i wouldn't get involved if i was right. BUT i'm just getting used to accepting my feelings for him myself. I hardly want to start planning a future.. just want to take things one day at a time. I don't want added pressure of him assuming i'm expecting things i'm not.

Ideally i could just tell him i like him and that i think i ultimately want to try dating but because of inexperience want go slowly, and if he had concerns he'd tell me and we could figure it out. but idk if he's going to be freely communicating with me when he isn't sure if he can trust me.

Are there certain ways i can earn his trust without saying' trust me' lol I know talk is cheap that is why (as someone asked earlier) I have not tried explaining myself to him just yet. I wanted opportunity to SHOW him i'm not the way i acted in the past so that if/ when i apologize or explain he'd have reason to believe me. Personally i find often when people apologize they do it as license to continue negative behavior, or even as an ego boost as a ay of feeling powerful that they could hurt someone. So i'm not big on apologies without preemptive accompanying improved behavior. I think i need some time of showing him i can be trusted before i can tell him id like his trust. So any suggestions on how to earn his trust once its in a fragile state?

I have never liked anyone messed up with anyhow or had anyone mess up with me. Kept mostly to my self most of my life despite being naturally outgoing. I saw it as a test of self control and proof i was not needy or dependent, i think. Anyhow i'm out of that now, i can see life involves people and thats a gift an immature gift to squander on pride.

I make friends and i'm interested in a boy. i just don't have anything to draw on and my parents were very involved in work and research i never had any kind of life lessons in the people department, certainly not relationship.

Any help would be great, thanks:)

Oh one more thing. He relatively recently constructed a minnie book of poems from one of my favorite Authors --he knew because it was one if the things we spoke of when we met. few people know of the poet so it was a small source of bonding. Thing is A LIOT of the poems are unmistakably love poems. I am not accustomed to reading love poems, however maybe he assumed it'd appeal to my academically or something...I want to show him i appreciate the gift but i don't want him thinking i think there was some kind of message in it for me about his feelings. It was very beautifully designed and I have been kind of aloof about the gift -even when he asked how i liked it- which feels bad. Any suggestions?

Thank you in advance in case anyone made it through all of that. (Am i supposed to create a new thread with a link to the earlier one , or just continue on the same thread?)

November 4, 2016

Glad you found it useful Anika! We all feel that way, "now why didn't I just think of that?" It's far easier to see things from the outside looking in.

I hope you and your guy end up dating. The whole romance thing can be pretty confusing at times even when we have dated plenty. There's always a learning curve.

This is a test run. I am checking to see if i'm directing the 'reply' properly. Thanks for the space

November 4, 2016

Glad you found it useful Anika! We all feel that way, "now why didn't I just think of that?" It's far easier to see things from the outside looking in.

I hope you and your guy end up dating. The whole romance thing can be pretty confusing at times even when we have dated plenty. There's always a learning curve.

Great. Now i know how to do it properly. 'Sunkissed' would you mind if i messaged you privately once i am permitted to do, so? You have been helpful, and I have a few specific questions and i don't want to add more detail to a public post. I am not sure how it works, but i know it takes a while before new members can do so.

November 4, 2016

This post fallows on the heels of "Why does he ask me what i want ..."

Short version i liked this guy for years. Years ago We started to date a few months after ewe met, but was 100%not ready to become emotionally (and physically intimate ) when he was ready. I did not handle it well and just slowly distanced with no explanation. I didn't want to 'bother' him with the burden of anything personal. Of course just telling him its not working is the least i could do. Out of courtesy.

We have been hanging out as friends for about 6 months, slowly. i am in the process of hopefully earning his trust and letting him know I want to try again.

Thing is Im worried if i say i want to date hell assume that means sex is coming up soon. And i don't want to say i want to date but i don't want sex, bc thats not true.. just don't want it now...

I also don't want him thinking i'm not attracted to him--I am 100%. I have just not been emotionally intimate and barely physically. I know people jump into sex these days. Some people say the other person must not be into them if sex doesn't happen within 3 dates!

Should I just tell him i like him and am attracted to him and would like to start over, as apposed to "I want to 'date'". Does 'date' imply sex?

Thank you for your help.

November 4, 2016

In case anyone asks , i'm 21, he is 22. I am virgin he is not. I have never been in a relationship. He was in one long term relationship before we met.

November 4, 2016

When he asks what you want, tell him that you're interested in dating - but that you're not wanting sex until (insert whatever).

November 4, 2016

Thank you basill 67.

November 4, 2016

You could just be honest and say that you're really attracted to him and love his company but you want to wait until you feel more comfortable and ready for it. If he's a good guy, he will understand.

November 4, 2016

Do you want to date him now? Not in the nebulous future sometime, but this week or next? If your answer is no...[insert excuse for not being quite ready for such a step]...then stop reaching out to him to talk, apologize, or hang out.

I missed this earlier... Angel eyes, would you say the same to him. if the situation was exactly how it is, except you were talking to him not me. i understand you only know of him what i've said. i'm just wondering if i should be thinking the same about him. regardless of the 'reason'. if he's not interested in dating now, he should stop trying to spend time with me?

November 4, 2016

Thank you, The Crucible.

Thats a helpful direction - I meant suggestion lol but either way

November 4, 2016

Okay, this helps. There's nothing wrong with starting as friends first. Explain to him that while you're interested, you've never been in a relationship. That is in part why you behaved the way you did at eighteen when you first met and were chatting. In retrospect, you wished you had handled things differently, but you've grown and matured since then. You realize things are nebulous right now, but you enjoy his company and are attracted to him. Right now, you would be more comfortable if things started as friends and then developed from there. You're open to dating him, but want to get to know him as friends first. Basically, address his "what do you want" question head on. Then ask him what he wants.

Now that I am more familiar with things, I am going through the posts to make sure i have not missed anything.

AngelEyes, This pretty much captures everything... I could basically just memorize it and id be set lol. Thanks.

November 4, 2016

Ok well this sheds a whole new light to your situation. I know what it's like at 21 you aren't exactly having full-on mature conversations of what you want and why you want it. You kind of slip into situations and "feel each other out" figuratively and see who will cave first to make the move. You're doing the "interest the dance" I vaguely remember what that's like now.

I understand you are waiting for signs, if the signs are there it prompts you to keep trying and showing but if they aren't they discourage you and that's understandable. So keep hanging with him and there is no reason why you can't muster up the courage to just say to him, look I'm getting some mixed signals from you about this friendship and I feel I need to explain what happened last time around. And just explain it. You aren't asking him to date you, or to love you or even to like you. By doing that you are taking the initiative to make right what you feel hurt your friendship in the past.

This might just be the sign he is waiting for to soften up and be less hot and cold. And if it isn't and he is still the same, well not big loss on your part and you certainly won't lose face by just getting that off your chest.

Sunkist

"...So keep hanging with him and there is no reason why you can't muster up the courage to just say to him, look I'm getting some mixed signals from you about this friendship and I feel I need to explain what happened last time around. And just explain it. You aren't asking him to date you, or to love you or even to like you. By doing that you are taking the initiative to make right what you feel hurt your friendship in the past.

This might just be the sign he is waiting for to soften up and be less hot and cold. And if it isn't and he is still the same, well not big loss on your part and you certainly won't lose face by just getting that off your chest."

This is very good i think i just am concerned even explaining myself will give the impression i'm 'asking' for something. Would you say if this happens that is not my problem and i should just concern myself with speaking truth?

Its true i cant control other peoples reactions but I seem to want to try to talk in a way where they cant possibillty misunderstand me. Which usually just means i say nothing, because its essentially impossible to speak in a way that leaves 100% no uncertainty.

November 6, 2016

I have a complicated history with this guy and I may eventually be ready to date but atm I really want to strengthen or even establish a real friendship not based on attraction innuendo flirting making moves getting over hurtles etc. i'd really just like to get to know this person as a person not a romantic interest.

Being extremely attracted to him and having feelings of an intimate nature towards him, is quite manageable to me as i'm accustomed to ignoring such feelings. Till recently id decided i do not wan to ever date, so for years i just ignore it when i like someone. no problem. this guy is different, i really care for him and consider even dating but not now.

The PROBLEM is i'm so aware of how i feel im concerned every time i do something hell take it s a gesture or an advance or indication as such. I mean he does this, its not just hart i worry about it,. he tends to jump to conclusions easily.

Is there a way i can keep him from assuming everything is a sign that i'm trying to gauge his feelings or move parts friendship?

Honestly id like to establish a friendship before moving beyond. Is it not possible bc we have already been involved? Or can we start over as friends. Will he feel rejected. i don't want to be friends bc i don't 'like' him, I want to be friends bc i DO like;' him. I care for him and rushing just feels cheap to me.

Of course if i explain this in an attempt to keep him from feeling rejected, he might go the other direction and worry i've put too much thought into things a, so i don't think explaining it is necessarily the way to go,. I just want to keep things simple without raising suspicion one way or the other. But i want to feel at ease and natural around him,. if i'm trying not to make him think i'm trying to start something, it makes things awkward. i've been very cool & distant towards him then i try to make up for it by asking if he wants to hang out.. Which is confusing him understandably.. and he's getting frustrated.

What to do?

Disclaimer. I'm not particularly young- i'm 21 -or stupid or sheltered or inexperienced in life in general -except in matters of the heart. I've just never had genuine feelings for a person, and i had never intended to. So i'm disoriented and all a bit inside out about this. I am asking for help in keeping things genuine yet without inadvertently creating expectations of 'more'.

Since i genuinely have feelings for him, it can be easy for him to interpret that as wanting 'more'. I may want more however I am not ready to have more. I do not want him confusing how i feel with my intention towards him or my expectation of him.

Thank you in advance, for any help you may give

November 6, 2016

Hello Anika, I started reading your post because your username jumped out at me since it is so similar to mine...lol. Looks like your latest post has been merged with your original thread because you are still talking about the same person and situation as you were in your original thread.

I have to agree that you are probably confusing the heck out of this guy. You keep saying you want to apologize to him so why haven't you? I don't understand why he has to hang out with you to get an apology. Just call him and apologize. It seems like you are connecting the apology to hanging out with you which shouldn't be the case. If you are making your apology contingent on getting this guy to agree to meet up with you then your apology is not really sincere and you shouldn't even bother giving him one because who wants an apology with strings attached or hidden expectations? You are playing coy with this guy instead of just being upfront and authentic with him.

Call him and sincerely apologize for your past behaviour. Then straight up tell him that you would like to get to know him a bit better and explore if there is any potential for a meaningful relationship to grow between you. If he accepts your offer great! but he isn't beholden do you nor does he owe you anything so if he rejects your offer, gracefully accept that and then move on.

November 6, 2016

Wow, our names are very similar

i do not think he is beholden to me at all. If he rejected me id totally accept it. i think id actually be relieved because this is all confusing the 4%# out of me. and rejection isn't great but compared to ambiguity it's fantastic--to me anyhow.

The reason hanging out was connected to apologizing was because its the only way we would be able to talk alone, it had nothing to do with him owing me anything or proving anything. if id felt comfortable discussing things in public id have by now but i know hes a private person as am i. it just wouldnt have been good.

i was not expecting him to talk with me again. when he did a few months ago, I didnt want to push him so i waited months before even thinking of asking him to talk. I rthen fe;t like i waited so long it was kind of weird mentioning it at all. So instead i asked if he wanted to hang oiut- but that wasnt really what i wanted. He was hesitant so i just said never mind.

Then he said no he wanted to he just needed time. i figured maybe yes maybe no but i basically just let it go. Then a while later he shoed up wanting to hang out. he was all dressed up and had a gift for me and cleaned his place spic and span but it was last minute and that just made me really uncomfortable. if he really respected me he'd give some notice. i had plans anyhow. so i stopped by then said i had to leave. he offered for me to come back. it was weird bc i liked him being nice but it bothered me that it only happened when i wasn't expecting it.

so i left. he stopped talking to me for a few weeks. then he acted like everything was ok, and was asking me if i thought he should stay and work here when school was done. I acted like i thought it'd be good for him to travel because i didn't want him feeling like i was 'expecting' him to stay.

He looked hurt and said he was thinking seriously about staying and did i know if id be here, I said idk & i might in 'insert name of place' . he said he'd always to go 'there'. I suggested things he should do if he does visit. He looked awkward then he switched the subject. I felt sort of rediculous about the interaction so i asked him if he wanted to see a play. Thats when he got mad and asked what the %&$ i wanted.

I really wasn't sure if it was a question or euphemism for f*ck off. Hence i did not answer. I know I know he can be confused but it does also seem to me like he's trying not to be direct with me and i don't think he's only annoyed bc he's confused. i feel like he'd be annoyed either way just by my making a direct effort.. this makes me hesitant to explain myself. bc if he doesn't care id feel rediculous.

BUT as you said, when apologizing its not based on them having a shiny reaction, its that you want to apologize. and no matter how hes acting now im apologizing for my poor behavior. It does depend on his current good behavior? i think this is true but its helpful to have it pointed out to me.

Anyhow I feel like the more i try to make things ok through actions the more f*cked up things get. I am sick of everything being so weird. Spending so much time with him yet everything feeling very forced. I just want to clear things up and if he wants to move on after that thats fine. Rejection would almost be welcome bc its definitive. if he wants to be friends that'd be good too. I have not 'talked-apologized- ' to him bc i don't talk on phones and we haven't been alone.

I see him every day we sit together but my friends are always coming through. its so awkward.

BUT i think ill just tell him id like to talk with him alone. ill be

'here' at this time (because i will be there anyhow) once a week. This way he can just show up if he wants. Its not a plan but an option. If he does not show up it doesn't interfere with my day, if he does i'm not caught off guard. i think its a good compromise and then i don't have to think about it any more. I have done what i can.

Should've just done this a year ago but It's hard for me to admit i care about people personally bc that involves confronting my feelings.. Hopefully I will emerge a bit more mature from all of this. I think once i'm comfortable accepting how i feel i wont have to think about it , ill just act.

Idk if you made it down here but if so thanks. if not, well it was still helpful

November 21, 2016

How long until I am able to message people privately. I have a few questions but i'm concerned with all the detail someone i know could be on here and see kit. its a long shot but it makes me uncomfortable.

can someone tell me when ill likely be able to ask questions in private ?

November 21, 2016

Questions about this particular situation with the guy. ill call him Thelonious.

Sign In

Why is he asking me what i want instead of just answering my question? What do I say?

Recommended Posts

Anika9

Sunkissedpatio

Anika9

Anika9

Anika9

Anika9

Anika9

basil67

Anika9

thecrucible

Anika9

Anika9

Anika9

Anika9

Anika9

anika99

Anika9

Anika9

Anika9

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...