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Why is he asking me what i want instead of just answering my question? What do I say?

Anika9

By Anika9
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Anika9 Member

Anika9

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We met 3 years ago. Hung out 3 months. He told me he had been interested in me for over a year. Up to this point in my life I had no intention of dating thought I would lose my autonomy become weak. I really liked him so I tried, but I was increasingly uncomfortable. The more i liked him the more i’d distance myself. Eventually I stopped talking to him. No explanation. He later told me he was hurt. Now it is 3 years later we are on friendly terms for 6 months.

 

I asked him out few months ago in hopes I could apologize, see if he wants to start over, or I should MOVE ON. He was not ready, yet claimed interest. 1 month later, He asked me out, it was last minute so, No.

 

Weeks later,to ensure he knew I was interested, I asked him out. He angrily asked what i ‘want’ from him. Which was confusing. Technically I ‘want’ to Talk. Know what he means. Why he is asking. What he wants. Notice if / when he wants to hang out.

 

– Do I answer literally? OR just Apologize for past?

 

The other thing is I don't know why he was angry and honestly not sure if he's playing games because he feels he was treated unjustly--this is understandable but I am trying to fix things , earn his trust and no one is forcing him to spend time with me... The past is no excuse to play games.

 

I do not know if he is playing gams he may be confused but he did not mention it until I asked a different question, it does not add up. Possibly he's upset because he thinks i'm not supposed to ask him out because i'm a Woman? idk. Really i am trying to decide what i should do as I am the only one i can control.. I have little experience so i don't want to jump to conclusions, but some information would help, how can i make an informed decision, without information..

 

Maybe i am not asking the right question to him.. I just want things to be clear but i can not simply say i want to date or not because i want to go slowly. I can say i want to talk and i want to understand why he is upset but i have a feeling that is not what he wants me to want, i don't know if he will respond clearly?

 

First timer posting, i guess ill get the hang of it. (is there a character limit?)

 

Help is appreciated. Thanks :)

JewelD Established Member

JewelD

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I understand his frustration. You're extremely wishy-washy and clearly you have no clue what you want from him.

 

First you ghosted him which was bad in and of itself. Then you tell him you're interested but decline a date and I'm assuming you didn't offer a new time for a date. Then you wait a few weeks and ask him out.

 

I think you should just leave this guy alone. You dated him and things didn't work out so why are you trying to talk to him again? There's plenty of other men out there to date.

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angel.eyes Established Member

angel.eyes

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Welcome to Love Shack!:)

 

I don't think he is playing games. If anyone appears to be doing that, it would be you.

 

What do you want to talk to him about anyway??? If you just want to apologize, then stop contacting him. That is better than reaching out to "talk" years after the breakup. Yes, many people would get upset if you kept reconnecting over years just to "apologize." What's the point? They've moved on. Why are you dragging them back into the past for no purpose? If this is just to assuage your guilt because of your past poor behavior, then it's pretty selfish. That's why he reacted angrily. Leave him alone if that's all you're after.

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basil67 Established Member

basil67

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I think he wants to know whether or not you're going to continue this push and pull thing you've been doing before he decides where to go from here.

 

It's a fair question on his part. And yes, it is reasonable for him to expect for you to know whether or not you want to date. That said, if you don't know....then the answer is probably that you shouldn't be wasting his time.

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Sunkissedpatio Established Member

Sunkissedpatio

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I don't know why he was angry and honestly not sure if he's playing games because he feels he was treated unjustly--this is understandable but I am trying to fix things , earn his trust and no one is forcing him to spend time with me... The past is no excuse to play games.

 

 

The past is every excuse for him to be hesitant.

 

As much as he might love to pick things up again, trust that you won't hurt him again, and run off into the sunset with you this time around, reality is that he isn't sure how to proceed or what to do with your re-opening of things.

 

He has no clue if or when you will do it again and the flakiness you are witnessing is nothing more than his own dilemma of fighting his need to want to be with you again, and his protective brain telling him "steer clear because opening this up again will only get you hurt again"

 

If you truly want to earn his trust again you are going to have to be super patient and show him that you are willing to put up with a little bit of his flakiness in order to win him back and keep reassuring him that you are serious this time around, that you want to explain to him what went down last time and that you genuinely care and want to be with him.

 

Please be sure of what you want this time around. If you do win him back it would be quite devastating for him to be let down again once he lets his guard down.

 

PS the fact you don't understand why he is upset is a little worrisome

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Anika9 Member

Anika9

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thank you.

 

well i didn't _really_ date him. i never let myself get into it. it didn't not work with him , I wanted to be with him i just wasn't comfortable liking anyone. I have had time to adjust to my feelings and accepting that ill feel things for people. Im not trying to date him (yet anyhow) i just want to apologize bc IM not ok with how i treated him. Maybe spend time with him get to know him better -- or have him tell me its not what he wants. I asked him to hang out to keep it simple. I didn't see any reason to go into detail if he's not even interested... If he'd just said no, id move on. I just think he's avoiding saying yes or no and i don't understand why.

 

I can see how it would look that way, but m not being wishy washy, i'm trying to apologize and earn his trust and not rush things. Im being consistent, i'm just moving slowly. I am interested in him so there is no reason i should be looking to date other people, just because i don't move quickly doesn't mean i don't genuinely like him.. As for him if he is not interested., There is no reason as i can see for him not to tell me. Thats why i find him confusing.

 

but im not trying to 'date' in general so dating others doesn't really have anything to do with my situation. I like him,. if he's trying to move on id accept that but i wouldn't go looking for other people. i'm not lonely i just like him :)

 

oh and i didn't know I had enough space to explain in the original post , but i didn't exactly decline. its just it was last minute and i had other plans but i didn't want to reject him so i jung out for about 15 minutes then had to go. i am sure he felt toyed with but i was trying to avoid just that. And i didn't reschedule bc i felt he'd feel intruded upon.

 

I spend a lot of time with him i am making an effort. I don't really hang out with people but i spend several days a week with him in the morning. i'm not playing games i'm just trying to find my way in an unfamiliar situation that is kind of tainted from the past.

Gr8fuln2020 Established Member

Gr8fuln2020

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Anika9. If you are like the post you write, I would find you incredibly frustratinig and enigmatic to the point of unsettling.

 

I don't blame the guy from wondering, being confused, etc. Your posts are simply amorphous in nature....

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angel.eyes Established Member

angel.eyes

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Do you want to date him now? Not in the nebulous future sometime, but this week or next? If your answer is no...[insert excuse for not being quite ready for such a step]...then stop reaching out to him to talk, apologize, or hang out.

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Anika9 Member

Anika9

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well no i'm not 'reaching out' to apologize. We have been spending a lot of time together and i think that because i never explained what happened he jumps to conclusions about a lot of things to fill in the blanks. He spends time with me of his own volition, and he's asked me out recently as i explained in the post. Im not dragging him back in i just want to know what he wants and i thought he deserved an explanation before i had a right to ask him that. mean while i asked him if he wanted to hang out to see if theres still a possibility.

 

If he wants to move on i accept that but he has not told me that. Instead he acts interested in me then he also acts frustrated with me. I would very much like to get to know him in the present without the weight of the past. If there is a chance we are going to start over i want to explain myself so we can start without misunderstandings, and if there is not a chance i want to know so i can move on. Is that wrong?

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Anika9 Member

Anika9

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You mean we can not be friends first ? I do want to date him but i've never dated anyone before , I don't know what to expect or what is expected of me, id rather we understand each other better fist.

 

Also when he tries spending time with me (we meet several times a week casually, he sits with me at the park-- are you saying i should ignore him?

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Anika9 Member

Anika9

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I doubt i'm like my post. My post is about a subject i never talk about. Until recently never thought about. In an environment i've never been in.

 

Did you have any advice or did you just want to point out you find me aggravating while i'm trying to navigate an unfamiliar situation ?

smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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Do you have ADHD by any chance?

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Sunkissedpatio Established Member

Sunkissedpatio

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well no i'm not 'reaching out' to apologize. We have been spending a lot of time together and i think that because i never explained what happened he jumps to conclusions about a lot of things to fill in the blanks. He spends time with me of his own volition, and he's asked me out recently as i explained in the post. Im not dragging him back in i just want to know what he wants and i thought he deserved an explanation before i had a right to ask him that. mean while i asked him if he wanted to hang out to see if theres still a possibility.

 

 

Regardless of what you want out of this relationship, what are you waiting for to offer him the explanation he deserves? If you are already hanging out what is stopping you from saying "hey about 3 years ago when that happened...."

It's fine if you want to get to know him and see but he has expressed he is confused as to what you want so you need to tell him exactly what you told us here. It's a risk but one you must take.

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JewelD Established Member

JewelD

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You have had several opportunities to date him and you blew them both. Purposely.

 

Whatever the reasons were for it, you made your decision. It's very inconsiderate to treat people like toys. You keep yanking his chain but then you don't want to do anything. He's not going to sit around and wait patiently while you flip your mind back and forth about what you do want from him and what you don't.

 

He might be hanging out with you because he doesn't have any better offers because your actions towards him are very frustrating and most people would not accept that kind of treatment.

 

If you're open to dating him, then you should be open to dating new guys you haven't jerked around for several months.

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Anika9 Member

Anika9

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I am 21 he is 22. but i have never dated and he has had long term relationship but only in high school. we met a few years after that ended. I think he dated a few people but it didn't come to anything. I'm the only person he's been in contact with consistently, but we have a very strained acquaintance because we have not been able to establish whats going on. He acts like He still likes me but seems exasperated. When i'm in doubt my default position is to leave people alone, which means we don't communicate well. I never really learned how to communicate with people i care about. I am used to keeping people at a distance. So this is hard but i really like him so i don't want to just walk away unless i know thats what he wants.

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Anika9 Member

Anika9

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So its ok to put effort into not jerking around a new person but not starting over with a person i already like? That seems irrational. I already know him i already like him. Why look elsewhere? Are you saying him still being around means theres something wrong with him?

Sunkissedpatio Established Member

Sunkissedpatio

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I am 21 he is 22. but i have never dated and he has had long term relationship but only in high school. we met a few years after that ended. I think he dated a few people but it didn't come to anything. I'm the only person he's been in contact with consistently, but we have a very strained acquaintance because we have not been able to establish whats going on. He acts like He still likes me but seems exasperated. When i'm in doubt my default position is to leave people alone, which means we don't communicate well. I never really learned how to communicate with people i care about. I am used to keeping people at a distance. So this is hard but i really like him so i don't want to just walk away unless i know thats what he wants.

 

Ok well this sheds a whole new light to your situation. I know what it's like at 21 you aren't exactly having full-on mature conversations of what you want and why you want it. You kind of slip into situations and "feel each other out" figuratively and see who will cave first to make the move. You're doing the "interest the dance" I vaguely remember what that's like now. :laugh:

 

 

I understand you are waiting for signs, if the signs are there it prompts you to keep trying and showing but if they aren't they discourage you and that's understandable. So keep hanging with him and there is no reason why you can't muster up the courage to just say to him, look I'm getting some mixed signals from you about this friendship and I feel I need to explain what happened last time around. And just explain it. You aren't asking him to date you, or to love you or even to like you. By doing that you are taking the initiative to make right what you feel hurt your friendship in the past.

 

This might just be the sign he is waiting for to soften up and be less hot and cold. And if it isn't and he is still the same, well not big loss on your part and you certainly won't lose face by just getting that off your chest.

  • Like 1
angel.eyes Established Member

angel.eyes

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I am 21 he is 22. but i have never dated and he has had long term relationship but only in high school. we met a few years after that ended...

 

Okay, this helps. There's nothing wrong with starting as friends first. Explain to him that while you're interested, you've never been in a relationship. That is in part why you behaved the way you did at eighteen when you first met and were chatting. In retrospect, you wished you had handled things differently, but you've grown and matured since then. You realize things are nebulous right now, but you enjoy his company and are attracted to him. Right now, you would be more comfortable if things started as friends and then developed from there. You're open to dating him, but want to get to know him as friends first. Basically, address his "what do you want" question head on. Then ask him what he wants.

Edited by angel.eyes
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Anika9 Member

Anika9

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Thank you very much for answering directly. Im really not trying to play games , I understand I handled things badly in the past , the things i thought were very important don't seem that way anymore and i regret my decisions. Anyhow i'm just trying to learn and improve. As i said i'd understand if he were to reject me, i just wish he'd DO IT instead of leaving it ambiguous. BUT i see he can feel like i'm being very unclear. I thought since i directly asked him if he wanted to hang out this means i'm being direct. Perhaps not in the bigger picture.

 

Thanks.

 

And thank you for welcoming me !

 

:)

JewelD Established Member

JewelD

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So its ok to put effort into not jerking around a new person but not starting over with a person i already like? That seems irrational. I already know him i already like him. Why look elsewhere? Are you saying him still being around means theres something wrong with him?

 

I don't know how you came to that conclusion based on my post but what I was saying is that most people would not tolerate being jerked around like that.

 

If I were him, I wouldn't take you seriously at this point. Plus you seem to have great difficulty understanding other people's feelings. That's a very big part of being in a relationship so I don't think you're going to fair very well if you can't even comprehend why this guy would be confused given your actions.

 

So for you, it would not be irrational to consider dating other people. He's not the only person on the planet and most people in their twenties should be meeting and dating different people.

 

I Imagine if you were actually a match, it would not have taken this long for a relationship to bloom. It would not be as complicated as you're making it.

  • Like 2
angel.eyes Established Member

angel.eyes

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Thank you very much for answering directly. Im really not trying to play games , I understand I handled things badly in the past , the things i thought were very important don't seem that way anymore and i regret my decisions. Anyhow i'm just trying to learn and improve. As i said i'd understand if he were to reject me, i just wish he'd DO IT instead of leaving it ambiguous. BUT i see he can feel like i'm being very unclear. I thought since i directly asked him if he wanted to hang out this means i'm being direct. Perhaps not in the bigger picture.

 

Thanks.

 

And thank you for welcoming me !

 

:)

You're welcome. Yes, an offer to hang out is ambiguous, especially given your history together. You're going to have to be more direct about your intentions. Don't worry about the outcome.

 

Please let us know how it goes. I hope things work out for you.

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Anika9 Member

Anika9

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It looks like I have in places responded to the wrong comments. Though i'm basically explaining my situation, if something does not look like it is a response to something you said it is an accident.

 

(Otherwise) Thank you all for your help and wisdom :)

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