What you need to know about breakups

[NightsEcho]

For the dumped.....

Hello, all members both new and old of Loveshack. This is a post I want to share after reading nearly every post on here. This is a composite of the messages I have learned myself, as well as through my friends and family. Please take the time to read this and add to it as you please.

 

So you have found your way to Loveshack. Chances are you are facing one of the biggest challenges of life. You are facing the breakup of your significant other. You are now confused, lonely, sad, without purpose, and very likely not meeting your required quota of eating and sleeping. Everyday seems like a strange blur, as you crawl in the dark looking for the answers to your questions. Why did they leave me? How could someone I love do this? Was it my fault?

 

The truth is that after countless hours trying to answer these questions myself, I have noticed that all breakups follow very similar trends. My guess is that your story mimics closely one of the following accounts. For about 85% of you, my guess is that you want your ex back. (For the others, the pain is to much to even consider it) Please read on and find "your" story.

 

1) Your SO has suddenly become distant. This may occur over a steady course, or may be much more rapid. (Between a few weeks to a few months)Soon they withdrawl emotionally, sexually, and seem very distant. They may be going out with new friends or new people, they may have had a sudden change in there life. This does not really matter. They are pulling away from you. All of a sudden they ask for a break or a breakup. You blindly beg and plead hoping they will come back. Chances are although the signs were there, you never saw it coming.

 

2) Your SO seems guilty about something, they have withdrawn, are going out more then they used to, or are spending time doing things they never used to. They dress up, but it doesn't seem for you. Suddenly through them or through friends, you learn that you have been cheated on. It could have been a kiss or it could have been more. Does not matter, your trust is gone, and usually you have no idea why.

 

3)The realationship has been going on for a long time, and has seemed to flatline. The routine of the relationship has set in. You do the same things every weekend. You never go out, and if you do it is to the same places. Suddenly one partner feels trapped and suffocated. This leads to them wanting out of the relationship, and often causes them to break routine. Often both parties felt a change was needed, but the drastic approach of a breakup is often one-sided. (Unfortunatly, this is mainly girls, as guys often feel the most in love when they are comfortable.)

 

4) A 3rd party has emerged in your SO life. They may be a long time "friend" or a new associate. The SO feels comfortable, and quite often feels no threat from this 3rd party. The other partner often feels threatend and begins to act jealous and tries to cut this relationship off. This often ends in the SO becoming angry and taking the side of the 3rd party......and yes we have a new breakup. (This is also called waiting in the wings)

 

5) The "Quarter-Life Crisis" This happens to both males and females usually between 18-24. They have been in a relationship, and now feel trapped. They feel that they need to know what else is out in the world. They break off the relationship with the SO, and quickly begin dating new people. Often friends, family and personal behaviour cause the QLC. It seems to hppen to quite a few people, but in my experience it is again often the "female" who does it more often then the male.

 

6) One SO acts nasty, abusive (both physically and verbally) and the relationship is on and off many times. They often act cold and mean, then suddenly, nice and caring. They often berate their SO in public and at home, and make themselves look like the victim. It obviously eventually ends. (But not by who you think, it is usually the abuser)

 

While there are many other reasons for a breakup, these 6 cover the basic reason behind the motivation. Often it will be a combination of two or more reasons. This is very common and if you look at all the stories, chances are yours falls in close to one of these. The reason I listed these, is the first stage of healing. You need to understand that breakups hurt, and how you feel is actually normal. Others have made it through and so will you. Begin by giving yourself a few days to grieve, cry, bitch and all the other things.

 

After a little while begin doing things for you and only you. Read books, post here, workout, take up a hobby, hang with friends, talk with family, buy a pet, take on more at work, sleep in, watch movies, listen to music, play videogames....anything. It will all be hard, but you must. Your life may feel like it is over, but you will survive, and if you don't believe me, ask yourselves this.

 

1.) If it is your first breakup, take a deep breath. Many people talk about first loves, but very few are with them. It will hurt, but accept that it sucks, and believe me you will love again. Ignore every hollywood lovestory you have ever seen.

2.) You been through this before? Well you survived it the first time, you will again. Try to look at how you handled it the first time, and remember that you have survived.

 

Now for some truth. VERY few people get back together, and even less stay together. Don't accept the many "games" that will come your way. The "I love you's", the phone calls, the e-mails, likely a lot of silence, the items exhange, all this goes along with a breakup. Try to not get involved. Be unavalible. They don't wanna be with you. It hurts, it sucks, but it is true.

 

Honestly, begin No Contact. Don't call, e-mail, text, dig for information from friends, or check there e-mails and blogs. Why hurt yourself? They are not writing about you, I promise. And you definately don't wnt to here about there new life. Alter your life, so as not to see them. If you work together, have kids, or live together, this becomes much harder. So become as uncaring as you can. Trust me until it is at least 6+ months you can't be friends. As much you tell yourself you do, don't even think it until at least 6 months have passes(I suggest more)

 

Finally, this has not covered the instances like, long-distance, moving and other things beyond your control. That is for another post.

 

I wish you all so much luck and god bless.

NE

[Hurting_guy]

I fall into #3. It happened Thursday night when she told me, and has since stressed that this has nothing to do with anyone else, that it has to do with her figuring out if i'm "the one".

 

She wants to get together sometime this week to talk, and I have no idea what she's going to say. I assume she's just going to apologize for what she's been putting me through. But i also think she's going to hold her ground and tell me she wants some time to herself.

 

I am very scared of losing this girl. I've been with her for 3 years.

 

She also said that her good friend at work took a break from her b.f. for five months, and after, they both realized that they wanted to be together for the rest of their lives. This is no consolation in my eyes, but it does give me a glimmer of hope.

 

I'm very nervous as to how it will go when I see her this week, whenever that may be. And I will post an update, if anyone cares. I have my friends, but this message board has been extremely helpful.

[NightsEcho]

What this thread is here to show you is that while all breakups are unique, they all follow similar trends. Sadly, the reasons for a person leaving are often very similar.

 

I was in a 3 1/2 year relationship with someone I loved very much. We fell into 1, 2 ,3, 4, and 5!

 

Make sure you know you are not alone and there are people here that care about you

[NightsEcho]

I am interested if this post lines up with the majority of people on here?

[mysterious_confused]

5) The "Quarter-Life Crisis" This happens to both males and females usually between 18-24. They have been in a relationship, and now feel trapped. They feel that they need to know what else is out in the world. They break off the relationship with the SO, and quickly begin dating new people. Often friends, family and personal behaviour cause the QLC. It seems to hppen to quite a few people, but in my experience it is again often the "female" who does it more often then the male.

 

It happened to me after almost a year; she dropped everything us living together our future and now she wants to be best friends and see what happens later " whatever that means" she has tried dating it failed once but now she is flirting online and trying that avenue. Dont know what I should do she is 30 though.

[JaneInVegas]

I think most scenarios were nicely covered, however, I would like to add a 7th: the relationship is smoothly sailing when one of them does something stupid, totally disrupting everything. Big fight ensues, etc.

 

You have a lot of insight to relationships. I wish I had more of it myself.

[Rocko]

5) QLC + Distance here, it just seem's like fate's been transpiring against me. I also find it ironic how the ones that still love are the ones who pay the price for it.

 

mysterious: Let her go and follow the advices of NE. If she loves you she'll come back at some later time.

[JS17]

NightsEco, I think you have just about covered all of the bases and most people fall into a slightly altered version of one of these categories plus #7 by JaneInVegas.

 

Personally, my damaging relationship was a #5. Most of my other realationships resemble most closely #1.

[brooke7777]

#1 for sure hits close to home. I also think it's a bit of #5 on his part, but he has denied that he is going through some sort of QLC.

[NightsEcho]

Hey! Good to see that this thread was re-established. I haven't been coming on as much as I did in the past. Been kinda trying to break my dependence on the Shack

 

I like number 7. Definately will have to be updated. If any of you wanna share your own stories or ask me about mine, feel free.

 

NE

[CATCH 22]

 

Now for some truth. VERY few people get back together, and even less stay together.

NE

 

 

I agree with all of your post except this part..you can reconcile your relationship if both are willing to communicate, change and seek help when needed.

[Beausene]

I agree with Catch... I know many people who have gotten back together (some more than once). Myself included. Almost everyone goes through periods of doubt in their relationships, and some need time on their own to party/think/etc to realise what they had was good. It happened to me. I thought "the grass is greener on the other side", but after a few months, I knew that I had made a mistake.

[Topper]

You completely missed the number two reason for the end of all marriages. Money is the 2nd reason that 1/2 of all marriages end in this country. In our current society marriage has become more about a bussiness relationship then love and romance. That may sound cynical but the facts don't lie. With 50% of marriages failing a little more then 1/2 of those failures report it was a relationship issue. A little less then 1/2 report it was because of fighting about money.

[westernxer]

Only thing I need to know about breakups is that they suck, even though I initiated them every single time (had no choice).

[eggman]

You had mentioned that you wanted to write a post about break-ups that are the result of moving. I had this experience two years ago. I was seeing someone and we were becoming more serious but the SO moved to one job and I to another. These types of break-ups are just as painful, even if in a certain respect, they are no one's fault. However, we are not in contact and that hurts to a significant degree as well. I thought your last post was insightful. Do you have any thoughts about the latter subject you had planned to discuss?

[NightsEcho]

Hey all,

I know that there is some definate situations that can occur during a breakup, that may have been overlooked

I do intend to follow this post up with the feedback I have recieved. Many of you make valid points and point out some amazing things I have missed.

It would be nice to get some feedback from Veteran Loveshacker's to see where they are at 6+ months later.....believe me it will be very positive.

As for me, I come on much less these days, but am always reading responses.

Please continue to add, and submit, I'd like to do the update in the next couple of weeks. And thank you all for your input.

 

"The best revenge is living well"

NE

[eggman]

Great, I look forward to reading it.