bobbocrawford Posted November 2, 2016 Posted November 2, 2016 Hey everyone. Sorry this is so long. 49-year-old guy here. Divorced 10 years. LOTS of dating in that time plus a few relationships. I think I FINALLY have a pretty good feeling for what I’m doing.. both dating and in relationships. Or not..haha. But just had a situation which has me pretty bummed and confused. I met a woman on an online dating site. Talked on the phone (first phone convo lasted 3 hours) a few times and texted for about three weeks before meeting. Totally hit it off and we both absolutely felt it. When we finally met, for dinner, more of the same. Our personalities matched.. lots in common. Out of many, many first dates (including a lot of coffee dates) and time talking/texting with various women over the years, this connection was in the top 2 or 3 ever. On our date, she told me how connected she felt with me, we did some kissing, she was even rubbing my neck as I drove her home. It was just amazing. We made another dinner date for a few days later just before I dropped her at home. She asked me to text her when I got home so that she would know I got home safe. I did, told her I had made it and that I felt lucky I had met her. This was not over-the-top, very much in line with the way we had been talking to each other. She texted me the next morning saying it was a great night, have a great day. Nothing about texting/talking later, which was unusual. I I texted her later that afternoon asking how her day was going and told her a little about mine . This was totally in line with the texting we had been doing before. She gave me an unusually short reply. But she is busy and works hard so I didn’t think a lot of it. About 7:00, I texted and said something, jokingly, about her being very quiet today. No reply. About 11:00 that night I texted again (OK, one text too many but so be it), mentioned that she had been oddly quiet and I was wondering if something was up. No reply. Next morning, she texted me and told me that she had been busy all day and then out to dinner and couldn’t text (she had always managed to before) and reminded me that work comes first and that maybe we need to take a step back, mentioning that we have very different lifestyles. (I think she was referring to the fact that she’s a workaholic and I run my own business and have more free time during the day). But this was the first time she had not at least texted something flirty or nice or funny.. or say something about talking later. She was definitely quite different… and it couldn’t have been coincidence that it was right after our first date. I did not text back.,. I was pretty floored. Nothing from either of us the next couple of days. The day of the planned date came and went. That night, I texted her something kind of harsh about being totally surprised about her being so distant and cool toward me the day after our date and told her there was no need to reply. Good luck to you. She texted me back saying that that was a surprising response and good luck back to me. That’s it. I’m still pretty shocked at her changed attitude. Again, I’m no fool. I know she was into it right up until the time I dropped her off. Or, she is the world’s greatest actress and just wanted a free meal So, I have three ideas about what might have happened. 1. She learned or found out something about me during the date that she thought would not allow us to work long-term but put it aside and didn’t think about it until later. 2. She was playing hard-to-get. She had mentioned during our date that it seemed I was a guy who liked a challenge. I don’t. I’m in my 40s.. done with the games. 3. Major fear of intimacy and commitment and she freaked. First husband cheated on her. Second husband -. six years of marriage, they were never close. I’m going with number 3 though it could be 1. Would be surprised if it was two. I feel I was harsh with her but I am so tired of people being so weird and flaky. She did a pretty big 180…and seemed quite dismissive. I was pretty upset… sad and angry. Still am. I consider it over and don’t really need advice on what to do. There’s not a chance I will initiate more contact with her But I’m wondering if anyone has any thoughts on what they think might have happened or what I could have done differently, if anything, even in replying to her last text.
Gaeta Posted November 2, 2016 Posted November 2, 2016 If you are as experienced as you say you are than I am surprised you even ask what happened here. This is typical online dating. You have one good date, she went home and changed her mind about you, end of the story. There is no hidden agenda here, no complicated reasons, she just changed her mind. I am your age, I did 4 years on online dating before finding my bf and what you described was done to me, and I have done it to men. IN the moment it felt great but when I got home, started to think about it, I realized he was not for me. So I will tell you what I said hundreds of time on here. Do not put any hope, any importance in someone until it becomes an exclusive relationship.
Author bobbocrawford Posted November 2, 2016 Author Posted November 2, 2016 I get it but it was preceded by a lot of texting and talking.. a few weeks. All great. Yes, my experience tells me it was very rare to have that kind of connection, things in common and both same feeling. I should have mentioned we did a LOT of laughing together, both on phone, text and on date and agreed we really liked that about each other. Again, I guess you're right but, in my experience, quite unusual.
Gaeta Posted November 2, 2016 Posted November 2, 2016 I get it but it was preceded by a lot of texting and talking.. a few weeks. All great. Yes, my experience tells me it was very rare to have that kind of connection, things in common and both same feeling. I should have mentioned we did a LOT of laughing together, both on phone, text and on date and agreed we really liked that about each other. Again, I guess you're right but, in my experience, quite unusual. * before meeting does not mean anything. Even if you had 3 weeks of heaven talking, calling, texting. It means nothing until you meet. The real test is when you interact face to face. * No it's not rare to have an amazing connection online and it flops in real life. Been there, done that..... It sounds like you have dating experience but no online experience. it's a whole different ball game when you do online dating. After you meet a few women you'll understand my points above. By the way I met close to 200 men online. I had lots of 3 dates that went nowhere, a few short-term relationship and finally my current relationship of 1 year. It's not an easy walk in the park. You can meet right away or you can take 3 years like me. Story: one of the first men I met was head over heels for me. He took me out often, called each day, told me he felt like he was walking on cloud. 2 weeks later, out of the blue, he told me all of the butterflies were gone and he didn't know why but he was done with me. That is typical of online.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted November 2, 2016 Posted November 2, 2016 I get it but it was preceded by a lot of texting and talking.. a few weeks. All great. Yes, my experience tells me it was very rare to have that kind of connection, things in common and both same feeling. I should have mentioned we did a LOT of laughing together, both on phone, text and on date and agreed we really liked that about each other. Again, I guess you're right but, in my experience, quite unusual. Too bad. Dating sucks and OLD...well, really sucks. A few observations: 1. Prior conversations leading up to a date or two really doesn't mean much. That phase is really about keeping the other person interested and informed enough until the meeting(s) happens. Nice, but doesn't, in any way, predict how well things will go beyond the date (or two). You may have had a lot in common from your conversations, but when the real thing, the face to face happens, the past 'connection' is then solidified or unravels. 2. She was still OLD, so during the nice conversations she could have been doing the same with someone else....or....there was no one else and so she could focus on you until you two met... 3. Again, she was still OLD and by the time you two met, another potential suitor caught her attention and so, she was willing to let you go....or 4. The date wasn't as great for BOTH of you. You, yes, her, probably just an okay date. After meeting, she saw, felt something different. She enjoyed the company, of course, but only enough for the moment, but not lasting. With your experience, I'm surprised you have not experienced something like this before. I suspect it's b/c you haven't met someone you liked as much and then receive such a 180. Online dating my friend.... 1
IfonlyIknew Posted November 2, 2016 Posted November 2, 2016 People are quick to dismiss online daters. If there was any hope left your 7pm quiet text put the nail in the coffin
Ami1uwant Posted November 2, 2016 Posted November 2, 2016 I get it but it was preceded by a lot of texting and talking.. a few weeks. All great. Yes, my experience tells me it was very rare to have that kind of connection, things in common and both same feeling. I should have mentioned we did a LOT of laughing together, both on phone, text and on date and agreed we really liked that about each other. Again, I guess you're right but, in my experience, quite unusual. This has happened to me. You have great conversation before date, and you think the date went well, then after the date texting/conversation die. Why... 1. She didn't feel instant chemistry. 2. There was something about you she didn't like. 3. You aren't the only guy she is talking to or dating.
Author bobbocrawford Posted November 2, 2016 Author Posted November 2, 2016 I'm sure you'll be surprised. I have done TONS of online dating. All I can say is this...if she was not TOTALLY into me on our date, she is the greatest actress ever. I've never had a date go like this or a woman act like she did toward me...out of well over a hundred dates.I could give you lots of examples of things she said and did but I'll save you all. I wouldn't be on here writing if I wasn't really confused. The thing I suppose that may have happened (if she wasn't freaking out about intimacy) is that a lot of positive thoughts and feelings about me were there but then she did think about some things she DIDN'T like or think would work for herand backed off. Anyway, I do appreciate the input.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted November 2, 2016 Posted November 2, 2016 I'm sure you'll be surprised. I have done TONS of online dating. All I can say is this...if she was not TOTALLY into me on our date, she is the greatest actress ever. I've never had a date go like this or a woman act like she did toward me...out of well over a hundred dates.I could give you lots of examples of things she said and did but I'll save you all. I wouldn't be on here writing if I wasn't really confused. Oh, now you're sounding smug. The thing I suppose that may have happened (if she wasn't freaking out about intimacy) is that a lot of positive thoughts and feelings about me were there but then she did think about some things she DIDN'T like or think would work for herand backed off. Well, of course this could have happened. The bads out-weighted the good. I'm getting a glimpse of what kind of ego you may possess.
Author bobbocrawford Posted November 2, 2016 Author Posted November 2, 2016 Thanks for the nice words. That's what I came here for.. to be insulted. You get what you pay for, I suppose.
Author bobbocrawford Posted November 2, 2016 Author Posted November 2, 2016 Do any of you get that it really could be nothing about me, or in many cases, nothing to do with the other person? Maybe she really was freaking out about getting too close. Who knows? Same as in many cases. It's not always about the other person. I have been on many dates where it was clear the woman was not into me... or me into her. Anyway.. thanks to those who gave kind and thoughtful replies.
Gaeta Posted November 3, 2016 Posted November 3, 2016 Do any of you get that it really could be nothing about me, or in many cases, nothing to do with the other person? Maybe she really was freaking out about getting too close. Who knows? Same as in many cases. It's not always about the other person. I have been on many dates where it was clear the woman was not into me... or me into her. Anyway.. thanks to those who gave kind and thoughtful replies. I didn't read any reply that wasn't nice to you. You and this woman had 1 meeting. You need to let it go. She may be the only woman to turn your blood so far but the rules don't change, she did not feel as strong connection as you felt, it ends here. 'Being scared' is an excuse people use when they're not interested enough, or still have feelings for someone else. In your case it still means it's over and there won't be any second chapter. And again, what you have experienced is not uncommon. Many people felt a great connection while the other one didn't. This is not an 'out of ordinary' situation.
elaine567 Posted November 3, 2016 Posted November 3, 2016 Many people felt a great connection while the other one didn't. Yes, not "confusing" in the slightest. OP, you were so wrapped up in how amazing she was, you failed to notice she was not that wowed. Some people are naturally flirty, friendly, interesting and charming, people who put you instantly at ease, and I guess she was one of those. You felt great around her, and assumed she felt the same way, but she obviously didn't. She had a short "fling" based on the internet, that in real life didn't work out at all for her. It doesn't really matter the whys and wherefores, you can speculate till doomsday, but you will never find out the real reason here.
IfonlyIknew Posted November 3, 2016 Posted November 3, 2016 I do agree with you the fact that it most likely has nothing to do with you. It could be anything. 1
Popsicle Posted November 3, 2016 Posted November 3, 2016 (edited) This is a hard lesson that many people who do OLD have to learn the hard way: Be ready for ANYTHING! People on OLD are such a paradox, anything can happen. Something about that atmosphere causes it... So next time you have this great experience with a woman/man from OLD anywhere from 0 dates to 5 dates, just know that it could blow up or disappear at any moment, until you get past that marker. And really, the reason could be anything. Don't wreck your head or heart trying to figure it out. Next time just don't get attached so fast. Edited November 3, 2016 by Popsicle
Toodaloo Posted November 3, 2016 Posted November 3, 2016 I have a different take on this. I think something happened. Something that she needs to spend time on. Could be that she has just been made redundant. Could be a death in the family. Could be someone has just quit at work and she needs to do extra to cover them. Could be her car broke down and needs major repairs. Could be her ex has come back and is giving her hell... Could be anything. The mistake you made is getting terse with her. That is probably what put her off. Learn to relax more. Even when you do have great connections. Just relax. I think it is too late with this one though. She now has the impression that you are needy and demanding... So let her go.
Gaeta Posted November 3, 2016 Posted November 3, 2016 Could be that she has just been made redundant. Could be a death in the family. Could be someone has just quit at work and she needs to do extra to cover them. Could be her car broke down and needs major repairs. Could be her ex has come back and is giving her hell... Nah, if you really liked someone your eyes are constantly on your phone and no extra work, or mechanical problems, or ex being a pain in the neck will change that. We all check our phone in the morning and at night. His message is there, she is choosing to ignore it.
VeveCakes Posted November 3, 2016 Posted November 3, 2016 I think you left out an option 4...shes just not that into you. 1
Toodaloo Posted November 3, 2016 Posted November 3, 2016 Nah, if you really liked someone your eyes are constantly on your phone and no extra work, or mechanical problems, or ex being a pain in the neck will change that. We all check our phone in the morning and at night. His message is there, she is choosing to ignore it. I don't... I am also "out of signal" a lot so often don't get messages for 4-5 + hours. I know this is unusual because I live and work in rural areas but even still... I also have a habit of reading a message then forgetting to respond or not checking its gone through because the message has come at an awkward time. Date on Sunday was like that... I responded text didn't send I turned up and went to send a text to say here and saw the one confirming hadn't gone... I hate text. For this very reason. A phone call is far easier. So much easier... But regardless - I don't think it matters. All that matters is that she doesn't want to see OP anymore so thats that then. People are simple creatures but can also be really weird at times.
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