Should I let my ex stay in my life?

[Purplexsparklesxx]

So my ex and I brokeup 3 months ago. I know, it's been awhile! But we are only 22 years old and we dated for 9months and he was my first serious long term boyfriend we had so many plans to travel and move out together it felt like we were so in love I felt so in love the way he laughs and smiles and talks and the way he'd look at me, he had told me he loved me first the 2nd month into dating and I was very shocked and I just really fell he told me he'd never make a promise he can't keep and he'd never hurt me and that I was the one and that he loves me and never leave.

 

Well he did everything he promised he wouldn't and it makes me tear up just writing this I just need a friend or sometime to talk too. Not a lecture or someone to give me "the harsh reality" I see the reality and I've been told the hard truth and it's not as simple as just "moving on" he told me when we brokeup, he didn't love me and that I'm not the right girl for him which completely upset me because It wasn't like that, it wasn't like I nagged or his friends didn't like me they loved me! His parents loved me his family did everything was awesome! We became really close to eachother and shared a special bond where all we did was laugh together I don't get it

 

Don't people say they aren't right for eachother when that person usually isent supporting or accepting I accepted him and loved him so much I never did anything to hurt him or bad or wrong I don't understand I even asked him why he feels that what about it why? And he can't even tell me he doesn't even know , he says it's very hard to explain I'm so confused, just that he knew he wouldn't be happy HOW do you know that!? If you don't even know why!?!?!? And I know for a fact it's not another girl so that's for sure not it! I just am heartbroken still I had told him I don't want him in my life and I got mad at him calling him a jerk and to not talk to me and get out and he claims he's not a jerk, well if you told me for 9months you love me and that I'm the one and that you're not like the rest why'd you turn around and betray me !? He didn't even try to workout what was wrong he just left

 

I'm so confused and upset and inside it is tearing me up, I feel so broken inside I've never felt like this, like any guy that comes close to me again I'll shut out and I'll never find the love I know I deserve, and it scares me and I have so much anger and hate for this guy I'm turning into this mean girl who takes it out now on other people and I don't want to be that kind of person I'm just so hurt and upset and betrayed

 

This was my bestfriend who told me he'd never just leave without figuring things out and did just the opposite I feel so hurt inside I just need a friend to talk too I'm confused and broken inside

[Purplexsparklesxx]

Soooo my ex and I brokeup it wasn't very good I told him I no longer wished him in my life and wasn't very nice to him at the end as I had every right he broke my heart and told me he just didn't love me and rather not get into it

 

But 3 months later he's always looking at my snapchats stories allll the time, I've deleted him off snapchat but he still has me as a friend and so he can still see mine but I don't want to see his.

 

I've blocked him on Instagram too as I'm sure he's probably aware. Why does he continue to look at my stuff? After I told him we are not friends and leave forever why???

[PinkElephants]

he told me he'd never make a promise he can't keep and he'd never hurt me and that I was the one and that he loves me and never leave.

 

This was my bestfriend who told me he'd never just leave without figuring things out and did just the opposite

I know this sucks but, if it's any consolation, he likely meant what he said at the time. Unfortunately, promising to never make a promise he couldn't keep was, in fact, a promise he couldn't keep and shouldn't have made.

 

He didn't even try to workout what was wrong he just left

 

And he can't even tell me he doesn't even know , he says it's very hard to explain I'm so confused, just that he knew he wouldn't be happy HOW do you know that!? If you don't even know why!?!?!?

Chances are he knows exactly why he left; he's just not telling you.

 

How and why does he know? He's 22, you guys were talking about moving in together and sht got a little too real. Maybe he realized he wasn't done sleeping around, wanted to date other women, wanted to achieve a career, live alone or be carefree with the guys.

 

So why doesn't he tell you the truth?

 

I dated this guy a while ago. He was kind, thoughtful and we had fun. His parents like me and mine liked him. Sounds just like you guys, right?

 

Well he was also meek and insecure and, after a while, I didn't see him as a man. Just because we had good times doesn't mean he was the right guy for me and that you and your guy laughed and his family liked you doesn't make you right for him.

 

The thought of sex with this guy started to make my skin crawl so it had to end. I had three choices:

1. Tell the truth

2. Lie

3. Say nothing

 

I chose #2 and told him I had to move away for work. I didn't have to move but opted to and if I'd stayed I still would have left him. Why lie? Because telling him that the thought of his junk near me grosses me out was unnecessary and unkind. I don't know if I did the right thing but I still cared for him enough to not want to cause him pain.

 

Your ex chose option 3. Why? I can think of 2 reasons:

1. He thinks the truth will hurt

2. To avoid a fight

 

If he tells you that the thought of boinking you grosses him out it'll devastate you. He possibly doesn't want to hurt you because, while he doesn't love you, he doesn't hate you.

 

If he says he wants this but when he's 30, you could offer to wait. He wants other women, you argue that none of them will be as great as you. He wants to sleep around, then he's a disgusting pig who threw you away for cheap sex. You see how this goes and why he doesn't want to get into it. You can't argue with nothing.

 

I feel so broken inside I've never felt like this, like any guy that comes close to me again I'll shut out and I'll never find the love I know I deserve, and it scares me and I have so much anger and hate for this guy I'm turning into this mean girl who takes it out now on other people and I don't want to be that kind of person

I'm guessing you're angry because you liked where things were headed and now not only does he not want those things, he can't be bothered to try to talk to you. You're confused because who he is and who you want him to be aren't the same.

 

You can get bitter or get better. Dating comes with risks; we've all been burned. It's what you do afterwards that matters.

 

So do you want to grow from this and adjust your expectations and behaviors for next time or would you rather shut down and be mean? What's one good thing that you learned from this relationship and break up? There's always something if you're aware enough to find it.

[salparadise]

I know it's painful right now, but I think you need to find the larger perspective. First, all breakups are hard and take time to get over, especially if you were really attached and got dumped. It hurts. You have to grieve the loss. You have to realize he's not the last guy on the planet or the only person you will ever love. You have to believe that you are worthy of being loved, and that love will happen for you again.

 

But right now you have to grieve your loss and the best way to do that is by talking it out. Close friends are good to talk to, but usually they get worn out before you're done. Have you ever been to counseling/therapy? It helps. There might also be some things you need to learn about yourself, and life and love, that it could help you with.

 

You got too invested too soon with this guy. He love bombed you and you fell for it. Nine months isn't a long, long time. Of course it's long enough to get attached, but it's not like ten or twenty years. You need to date more people and learn to assess people and situations more realistically.

 

How long had you been together when he started the one and only forever stuff? That probably should've been your cue. Anyone who starts that kind of stuff within the first few months isn't dealing with reality––oh, they may actually be feeling it, but in most relationships it takes about nine months or a year to figure out who the other person is and see how you feel about them after the hormonal surge (limerence) has calmed down some.

 

Counseling can also help you learn to self-soothe, equilibrate, and to adopt a mindset that's conducive to your long-term emotional health. Also read "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle. It's soothing and will help you find a healthy way of being.

[TheTraveler]

Soooo my ex and I brokeup it wasn't very good I told him I no longer wished him in my life and wasn't very nice to him at the end as I had every right he broke my heart and told me he just didn't love me and rather not get into it

 

But 3 months later he's always looking at my snapchats stories allll the time, I've deleted him off snapchat but he still has me as a friend and so he can still see mine but I don't want to see his.

 

I've blocked him on Instagram too as I'm sure he's probably aware. Why does he continue to look at my stuff? After I told him we are not friends and leave forever why???

 

Go to settings, change who can view your story from EVERYONE to MY FRIENDS. Then, he cannot see them anymore

[Kelley]

Sometimes you just know when someone is not right for you. I know it's hard to accept when you were happy but it takes two people. We all have good intentions at the start of a relationship but things change. You will drive yourself crazy trying to work it out. You have to let everything out, the pain, the anger. The best thing I did was start a journal and write letters to my ex that I never sent. You have to take one day at a time and go through the pain. I would also go no contact, it's hard but again that helped me heal a lot quicker. I never thought I would date again I was in so much pain when my ex cheated on me, I even had panic attacks! But I worked on my healing, on my own life and didn't even look at another guy! I healed and I went on my first date last night and it was great. Look after you and heal that's all you can do, time will work it's magic, but you have to aid it, NC and let those feelings out!

[Kayley]

Could he just be clicking through snapchat stories?

Edited November 27, 2016 by Kayley

[ly399]

I don't know the full story, so I cannot say for sure. I'm in similar situation except i'm HIM in my relationship. My bf has ADD, while I love him very much, he's disorganized and impulsive. It's exhausting to take care of him. The relationship is very fun, but you burn out eventually. It scares me to think that I need to look after him for the rest of my life, I am trying to end it because i might not be happy in the long run.