Should I let my ex stay in my life?

November 2, 2016

So my ex and I brokeup a month ago and I felt I could never trust him I was always scared he was just going to leave and it's nothing he did idk I'm starting to think it was a "gut feeling" like deep down I knew he wasn't the one. I feel like once I meet the right guy I won't have to question my trust for him or his loyalty.

But he said the reason he brokeup with me was because he didn't think it was the "right relationship for him" and I'm not quite sure what that means, does that mean it wasn't healthy? He said we just had different personalities and mindsets and he's hurt my feelings in the last because he told me i change my mind too quickly and loose interest in things quickly and it was over something super dumb I changed my mind on which is why he frustrates me. No he doesn't love me which is why he didn't stay but I have no idea what to think of this guy?

I don't want to let him stay in my life if he was a jerk?? I feel like he simply didn't accept me for who I was when he had something good to love right in front of him , but he says that's not it we just have different "mindsets" I feel he saysing im a loser or that I'm dumb or something

I just don't understand men or should I say BOYS at all!! They are crazy for you think you're beautiful and they give you stuff and tell you they love you and they ll never be like the re st and just end up doing the complete opposite and being such disappointments

Idk what to do should I be his friend or no?? And what if that causes isssues down the road if we talk to other people?

November 2, 2016

I'd leave it in the past and move on. You weren't a match.

November 2, 2016

I think that if you're asking yourself this question then the answer is obviously no, as in no you should not remain friends with him.

November 2, 2016

Why would you consider being friends with someone you think is a jerk?

November 3, 2016

My ex texted me this what does it mean?

So I asked my ex who brokeup with me a month ago why he did what he did and hurt me and he sent this

"Ijust started to feel like this relationship wasn't right for me, I thought a lot about this and I just know that I wouldn't end up being happy in this relationship. And it wasn't that I got bored of you, I really enjoyed spending time with you, it's just that we had different mindsets and personalities that didn't work"

What does he mean? It kinda offended me like usual sly when people say there in the wrong relationship it's because that person wasn't good enough or wasn't good to them but I was amazing and very loving towards him? But I do admit he never fully satisfied my needs not that I was needy they just weren't met ,

But what does he mean in this message?

November 3, 2016

It's his polite-ish way of saying he doesn't see it between you two.

I'd try to move on and close the chapter on that relationship. He still doesn't seem to be interested and pushing the subject is just going to end up irritating him more because he has already told you in the best of his capacity he isn't interested.

I'm sorry it didn't work out.

November 3, 2016

It's his polite-ish way of saying he doesn't see it between you two.

I'd try to move on and close the chapter on that relationship. He still doesn't seem to be interested and pushing the subject is just going to end up irritating him more because he has already told you in the best of his capacity he isn't interested.

I'm sorry it didn't work out.

I know that's what it means but I mean why??? I never did anything wrong should I let him stay in my life or is he a jerk?

November 3, 2016

I know that's what it means but I mean why??? I never did anything wrong should I let him stay in my life or is he a jerk?

You don't have to do anything wrong for someone to lose interest in you or in the relationship.

You should cut contact and try to heal from this.

November 3, 2016

I'm sorry, I don't know why. Only he knows why. It happens, people fall out of love or attraction for varying reasons. Love isn't fair nor is it a guarantee. I am not sure how long we out for...

Deciding that he doesn't want to have a romantic relationship with you does not make him a jerk, staying with you and two timing you with someone new would make him a jerk. At least he didn't lead you on.

I would eliminate him from your life if I were you. Again, I'm so sorry. It's not an easy pill to swallow but asking for more reasons why ins't going to change his decision. You will get over this and find the man that does want to be with you, all of you.

Stay strong.

November 3, 2016

By the way I mean asking HIM for more reasons why, isn't going to help you. Feel free to get all those thoughts out here and brainstorm all you like. That definitely helps to get rid of all those poisonous thoughts running around your head. But asking him is pointless, he will continue to give you more confusing answers that really won't help you accept things any more.

November 3, 2016

By the way I mean asking HIM for more reasons why, isn't going to help you. Feel free to get all those thoughts out here and brainstorm all you like. That definitely helps to get rid of all those poisonous thoughts running around your head. But asking him is pointless, he will continue to give you more confusing answers that really won't help you accept things any more.

Thank you so much!! I really do need someone to talk too! I'm just so confused as to how someone could tell you for 9momths how much they love you how perfect and beautiful you are and how different they are from the rest to just end up like them to giving you roses because they love you so much and just ending up such a disappointment I'm so confused, I don't get it? He's so perfect too in school and there were things about me he didn't like like, I struggle with ADD/ADHD and he didn't like how I loose interest in hobbies and stuff quickly and I make hasty decisions it's not bad, just part of my ADD and it breaks my heart because he's the sweetest guy I've ever met and he's such a gentlemen It breaks my heart I wasn't good enough for that!

Thank you so much again for helping me and being as polite as you can while being brutally honest

November 3, 2016

He also wants to stay in my life as very close friends and I'm not sure about that, I know you said to cut him but we get along very well and there's never a dull moment as to why he wants to keep in touch I'm just so confused how you wake up one day and not love someone anymore it makes me sense

November 3, 2016

He also wants to stay in my life as very close friends and I'm not sure about that, I know you said to cut him but we get along very well and there's never a dull moment as to why he wants to keep in touch I'm just so confused how you wake up one day and not love someone anymore it makes me sense

If you didn't work out well in romantic relationship, I doubt that a friendship would work any better.

To part now and parting now,

Never to meet again;

To have done for ever; I and thou,

With joy, and so with pain.

It is too hard, too hard to meet

If we trust love no more;

Those other meetings were too sweet

That went before.

And I would have, now love is over,

An end to all, an end:

I cannot, having been your lover,

Stoop to become your friend.

—ARTHUR SYMONS, “After Love.”

Take care.

November 3, 2016

Thank you so much!! I really do need someone to talk too! I'm just so confused as to how someone could tell you for 9momths how much they love you how perfect and beautiful you are and how different they are from the rest to just end up like them to giving you roses because they love you so much and just ending up such a disappointment I'm so confused, I don't get it? He's so perfect too in school and there were things about me he didn't like like, I struggle with ADD/ADHD and he didn't like how I loose interest in hobbies and stuff quickly and I make hasty decisions it's not bad, just part of my ADD and it breaks my heart because he's the sweetest guy I've ever met and he's such a gentlemen It breaks my heart I wasn't good enough for that!

Thank you so much again for helping me and being as polite as you can while being brutally honest

Oh dear, I totally feel your pain!

See now that you are talking more and sharing more about your relationship it really shows that perhaps he wasn't the right match for you. It sounds like he might not even know what real love is.

To not like that you "lose interest in hobbies" because of your ADD is really not accepting all of you for who you are. You deserve to be loved fully and completely. Having ADD or any other sort of ailment isn't something to feel ashamed of or to feel like you have to make excuses in order to gain love. He didn't like that about you that is HIS problem, that is his own ignorance and prejudice. You cannot change that nor should you want to for him or any guy/anyone.

As tempting as it is to want to stay friends, I think you are right to be hesitant to stay friends with him because the only one that will further get hurt is you. You still love him, you still care about him and if it were up to you you would likely get back with him. But he holds the key to that path, it's not in your control to get back together with him again since he is the dumper. If you stay friends he will still get all he needs from you (having the emotional connection) and what will you do when you find out he is seeing someone else? It'll be like breaking up with him all over again.

For your own sanity and for your own protection I would say to him "I'm sorry but if we cannot be together I cannot stay friends with you because it will be too painful to remain friends" Wish him good luck and close that door. It's going to be really hard at first but each day that passes you will get better and better at handling the loss and eventually after playing back the relationship in your head over and over and talking to people about it, you will see that moving on and doing it your way was for the best. And if there is any chance he might regret his decision it will happen if you disappear from his life, not if you stay present and giving him everything he needs on his terms.

He is ending it but it will also be hard on him that is why he wants to stay friends. So let him suffer alone too. Don't be there to proverbially hold his hand while he moves on with his life.

Keep posting here if you need people to talk to, there are a lot of wonderful people on this site who are more than willing to help you through this hard time to get you strong again.

thank you for the kind words, it's always sad to see newly broken up people come on here feeling really horrible.

I suspect he did not just wake up one day and decided he wasn't going to continue with you this has happened over some time, he was just really good at keeping up the facade that everything was ok. Dumpers do that. That really messes with your head. I totally understand how you feel.

Edited November 3, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

November 3, 2016

Oh dear, I totally feel your pain!

See now that you are talking more and sharing more about your relationship it really shows that perhaps he wasn't the right match for you. It sounds like he might not even know what real love is.

To not like that you "lose interest in hobbies" because of your ADD is really not accepting all of you for who you are. You deserve to be loved fully and completely. Having ADD or any other sort of ailment isn't something to feel ashamed of or to feel like you have to make excuses in order to gain love. He didn't like that about you that is HIS problem, that is his own ignorance and prejudice. You cannot change that nor should you want to for him or any guy/anyone.

As tempting as it is to want to stay friends, I think you are right to be hesitant to stay friends with him because the only one that will further get hurt is you. You still love him, you still care about him and if it were up to you you would likely get back with him. But he holds the key to that path, it's not in your control to get back together with him again since he is the dumper. If you stay friends he will still get all he needs from you (having the emotional connection) and what will you do when you find out he is seeing someone else? It'll be like breaking up with him all over again.

For your own sanity and for your own protection I would say to him "I'm sorry but if we cannot be together I cannot stay friends with you because it will be too painful to remain friends" Wish him good luck and close that door. It's going to be really hard at first but each day that passes you will get better and better at handling the loss and eventually after playing back the relationship in your head over and over and talking to people about it, you will see that moving on and doing it your way was for the best. And if there is any chance he might regret his decision it will happen if you disappear from his life, not if you stay present and giving him everything he needs on his terms.

He is ending it but it will also be hard on him that is why he wants to stay friends. So let him suffer alone too. Don't be there to proverbially hold his hand while he moves on with his life.

Keep posting here if you need people to talk to, there are a lot of wonderful people on this site who are more than willing to help you through this hard time to get you strong again.

thank you for the kind words, it's always sad to see newly broken up people come on here feeling really horrible.

I suspect he did not just wake up one day and decided he wasn't going to continue with you this has happened over some time, he was just really good at keeping up the facade that everything was ok. Dumpers do that. That really messes with your head. I totally understand how you feel.

Thank you so much!!!! That really helped!!!! Yeah he's already moved on it looks like, he's told me the only thing that makes him sad is that he's broken my heart and that there's no going back to fix that and it makes him feel terrible which makes me feel a little sad

I've gone back and forth and back and forth on him changing my mind about being friends with him and he's probably irritated by it at this point but right now we'd agree we'd be friends but I totally agree with what you're saying! He told me he'd message me in a week or two when he's free to see me and I'll probably call him to tell him I no longer wish to be his friend

But I often had thoughts though of wanting to cheat on him not cheat, but of other guys because sexually he didn't please me all the way and he wasn't very cuddly or affectionate much and we argued about it before our breakup I just didn't feel "whole" with him and i never trusted him and I told him that before our breakup and I always feared he'd leave me but now that I think about it I think it may have been a "gut feeling" telling me he isent the one I just never believed his words or could seem too

November 3, 2016

So my ex and I brokeup a month ago and I felt I could never trust him I was always scared he was just going to leave and it's nothing he did idk I'm starting to think it was a "gut feeling" like deep down I knew he wasn't the one. I feel like once I meet the right guy I won't have to question my trust for him or his loyalty."

Wait... am I reading this right? Isn't it you who felt deep down inside he wasn't the right guy?

So wouldn't eventually, you would have been the dumper?

November 3, 2016

Yeah, during the relationship I became unhappy before he did, like he just didn't make me fully satisfied he was kinda lame. It made me feel empty because he never told me how much he loved me or meant to him or anything I just felt "there" like taken for granted a bit. He just wasn't loving or affectionate and I was very unhappy on the inside and I didn't know how to tell him and I've never broken up with anyone before so I ignored that feeling

So yes I did have trust issues I never felt I trusted him and I always questioned him on his loyalty and thought it was trust issues but am really starting to think it was just my intuition talking

And I told him all this before the breakup how I didn't trust him and he wasn't enough like cuddly or loving and it made me feel empty

November 3, 2016

Yeah, during the relationship I became unhappy before he did, like he just didn't make me fully satisfied he was kinda lame. It made me feel empty because he never told me how much he loved me or meant to him or anything I just felt "there" like taken for granted a bit. He just wasn't loving or affectionate and I was very unhappy on the inside and I didn't know how to tell him and I've never broken up with anyone before so I ignored that feeling

So yes I did have trust issues I never felt I trusted him and I always questioned him on his loyalty and thought it was trust issues but am really starting to think it was just my intuition talking

And I told him all this before the breakup how I didn't trust him and he wasn't enough like cuddly or loving and it made me feel empty

Thank you for responding.. it's good to see what's going on in both parties head.

Can you describe what kinda of guy he is and how you met?

November 3, 2016

No thank you for responding and taking the time to get back to me and help me out!

But we used to work together and I had a huge crush on him for a year until eventually I asked him out to a party and he went with me and from there we talked

But he's super sweet!! And he's a gentlemen too!!! And I was his very first relationship! And we're 20 of that helps. But he's very sweet, very kind, very smart just a super sweet guy! He respected me a lot too!

November 3, 2016

Yeah, during the relationship I became unhappy before he did, like he just didn't make me fully satisfied he was kinda lame. It made me feel empty because he never told me how much he loved me or meant to him or anything I just felt "there" like taken for granted a bit. He just wasn't loving or affectionate and I was very unhappy on the inside and I didn't know how to tell him and I've never broken up with anyone before so I ignored that feeling

So yes I did have trust issues I never felt I trusted him and I always questioned him on his loyalty and thought it was trust issues but am really starting to think it was just my intuition talking

And I told him all this before the breakup how I didn't trust him and he wasn't enough like cuddly or loving and it made me feel empty

Might I also add that our first date our official date the night he asked me out he gave me a rose and told me he loved me and started kissing me and I just said it back so it wouldn't be awkward but it was wayyyy too soon it was like I only knew him like outside of work for a month!? How can you say that already and inside that was a red flag to me. A big red flag.

I'm starting to think if someone tells you they love you, the first date that I should probably run the other way if that ever happens again. I'm starting to think he just doesn't know what love is and he confuses it for infatuation

November 3, 2016

I was very inlove with someone and would have done anything for him. He chose another woman ( we were long dist) after I healed from the future I hsd planned, our friendship blossomed. I now see he didn't have what I need in a long term partner. I can't imagine not having him in my life. My bf loves him too.. I am good friends with his gf.

Take time complete NC and heal (maybe 6-12 months) and then reassess the bond..

November 3, 2016

Might I also add that our first date our official date the night he asked me out he gave me a rose and told me he loved me and started kissing me and I just said it back so it wouldn't be awkward but it was wayyyy too soon it was like I only knew him like outside of work for a month!? How can you say that already and inside that was a red flag to me. A big red flag.

I'm starting to think if someone tells you they love you, the first date that I should probably run the other way if that ever happens again. I'm starting to think he just doesn't know what love is and he confuses it for infatuation

Yup, too soon. Guys that come on that strong that quickly usually fizzle out just as quickly. There is nothing wrong with being really into someone right away but to call it love that quickly without really knowing the other person is a disservice to both parties involved.

You are likely very correct, he probably doesn't know what love is and he confuses strong attraction with love. As a lot of people do. Love is something a lot deeper than that initial spark. It includes liking someone that strongly "warts and all"

You seem to have a better handle on it than he did.

November 3, 2016

Yup, too soon. Guys that come on that strong that quickly usually fizzle out just as quickly. There is nothing wrong with being really into someone right away but to call it love that quickly without really knowing the other person is a disservice to both parties involved.

You are likely very correct, he probably doesn't know what love is and he confuses strong attraction with love. As a lot of people do. Love is something a lot deeper than that initial spark. It includes liking someone that strongly "warts and all"

You seem to have a better handle on it than he did.

So you think maybe he just liked me for my looks? And got to know me and saw we weren't compatible?

he told me he was very infatuated in the beginning and then started to get confuse because he started to feel the relationship wasn't right for him, meaning the infatuation started to wear off, or honeymoon phase and he got to know my personality and didn't like it personally. Plus I was his first relationship so he's inexperienced. But I still don't understand what he means by "we just had different personalities and mindsets that didn't work"?

I'm still confused how you could be so into someone and just slowly stop? Is that infatuation or just strong attraction? And was there anything I did wrong? I'm still confused why people just slowly loose interest

I'm sorry to go on and on about this! It just feels very nice being able to talk about this finally instead of keeping it in, it's nice to talk things out and try to get to the root of what happened, and why so that maybe, this doesn't happened again for me.

Edited November 3, 2016 by Purplexsparklesxx

November 4, 2016

It's really hard to say without knowing what transpired over the 9 months, what kinds of things you argued about or where you'd see him running hot and cold based on your actions or even if any of that applies. There are so many variables to really know whatever's going on inside him.

You know some times people's feelings change and it isn't anything particular we do and it could be all sorts of things we do that are unbeknownst to us how they will affect the other person. The key is that we get to know people over a period of time and we are only shown and told what the other person wants to share with us, you may never be able to figure out what made him change, it could be as simple as I'm not feeling being in a relationship at this point in time. You can really do your head in wondering why and what happened.

Sometimes when we first meet someone we are super chill and go with the flow and can be really in the moment and that's what others find really attractive and then as our feelings grow we, especially women start to think too much about the future and where the relationship is going, and we suffocate something good before it has a chance to grow naturally. My point is that sometimes we get ahead of ourselves and stop living in the moment and the fun gets sucked out of the rel, not saying this happened in your case, but that is one of the many mysteries that could kill something good.

Keep posting and expressing your doubts and questions there are s lot of people on here willing to share great insight. It gets better after a while. Glad you found a place to offload some of your worries.

November 4, 2016

It's really hard to say without knowing what transpired over the 9 months, what kinds of things you argued about or where you'd see him running hot and cold based on your actions or even if any of that applies. There are so many variables to really know whatever's going on inside him.

You know some times people's feelings change and it isn't anything particular we do and it could be all sorts of things we do that are unbeknownst to us how they will affect the other person. The key is that we get to know people over a period of time and we are only shown and told what the other person wants to share with us, you may never be able to figure out what made him change, it could be as simple as I'm not feeling being in a relationship at this point in time. You can really do your head in wondering why and what happened.

Sometimes when we first meet someone we are super chill and go with the flow and can be really in the moment and that's what others find really attractive and then as our feelings grow we, especially women start to think too much about the future and where the relationship is going, and we suffocate something good before it has a chance to grow naturally. My point is that sometimes we get ahead of ourselves and stop living in the moment and the fun gets sucked out of the rel, not saying this happened in your case, but that is one of the many mysteries that could kill something good.

Keep posting and expressing your doubts and questions there are s lot of people on here willing to share great insight. It gets better after a while. Glad you found a place to offload some of your worries.

He actually just messaged me that he would like to see me this weekend, should I just tell him I no longer wish to be his friend? It's so hard because he really cares about me and is always there for me I can't help but feel like I may be missing out in a good friendship but at the same time yes! I don't want to get hurt anymore!! I think you're right and it'll be best to just cut ties with him even though I still love him this will be very hard I always love seeing him I'm definetly going to take your advice!!

Thank you so much for all the explanations as well, it's helping me out very much!!!

Edited November 4, 2016 by Purplexsparklesxx

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