Rebeca02 Posted November 2, 2016 Posted November 2, 2016 (edited) I had a 2 years old relationship with this guy. We are both 19 years olds and this was our first serious relationship. He dumped me 4 months ago and listed to me reasons that I am not quite agreeing with. At first I tried to talk to him, explain to him nicely my point of view but he kept telling me things that made me feel like I was the only one to be blamed for the downfall of the relationship. Such as that I don't inspire him anymore, that I do not motivate him, that I do not push his "hot buttons", that he didn't feel like he was growing in the relationship with me and that he didn't feel productive with me in the relationship. I found all of this complete bull because I always, always encouraged him to follow his hobbies and dreams , I wasn't needy nor clingy, I tried to introduce new activities, I wasn’t holding him back from anything. Sure, I was busy too because I was studying for my own important exams towards the end of my senior highschool year. Anyway, I don't say that I was perfect but I found it very insulting for him to say those things to me. I got mad and I told him that he was selfish and several other mean things. And I started immediately to feel very guilty because after all, he had his reasons and I should have respected them.He got more upset at me that I didn't reacted like a "mature person". After one month he came back to me pleading and begging me to take him back. He said that he still believed we had problems but that he made a mistake and promised me nice things. It didn't last long, though. We got into a fight, he said mean things to me, I got upset and broke up with him but I regretted it the next day because I thought I over reacted and maybe he was sorry after all. At this point my mother got involved and called his mother to ask her what the hell is wrong with him because she saw me very upset and crying. I didn't know that and I sure wouldn't want her to stick her nose in this business. The point is, my boyfriend again got mad at me and said to me that I always "put the guilt on his shoulders" and that it wasn't nice that his mother knew just "one side of the story". I don't know, man. I almost dare to say the same thing about him. I always apologize to him in the end because he's making me feeling guilty but he rarely does the same with me. And the way he treated me after we got back together, wasn't nice. Still, I tried to maintain my composure but he got very aggressive in the argument and I sort of panicked and broke it down. What annoys me is that by wanting him back the next day I basically indirectly and without intention made him believe that I was indeed the one at fault and that he didn't do anything wrong. The argument happend on face book chat. Everyone I show those messages say that he is over reacting and being a drama queen, insulting me and being aggressive. We didn't end it on good terms. ( ?? ) He just said that he forgives me and than ignored me entirely. It hurts because I forgave him for the breakup ( I sincerely think that beside those reasons, he just wanted to see if the grass was greener on the other side). But he can't forgive me for the breakup I have initiated. I don't really know why I want him back. He hurt me and his attitude wasn't right. He doesn't recognize his fault in this breakup. But I still love him so much. And I feel like whatever I do, he sees it wrong. We both blame and accuse each other of the same thing. The difference is that after the fight I end up feeling guilty and I apologize to him. I apologize for the mistakes I did (mainly what is he accusing me of) but he doesn't recognize his mistakes. I feel bad that he feels I just want to blame him. He is mad at me because of it. Why can't he understand that all that I wanted was a little empathy? I apologized to him for my immaturity at times, I did say mild mean things to him out of anger. But he did too, in my opinion, in fact, even worse. He is convinced though that he always had our best interest in mind and because he broke up with me in a civilized and mature manner, I shouldn't have had the right to be that upset. And also because he didn't cheat on me and others have it worse (??). Anyway. It is 2 months since our last breakup. I unfriended him. First time in 2 months I saw him at a party. He was surprised to see me ,he nodded at me as in "hi", making little eye contact but that was it. He ignored my presence all night after that. The thing is, he is liking all the time photos that I am tagged in with our mutual friends (mainly my friends that became his too on face book but not so close friends with him in reality). I looked at other photos of these friends, pics I don't appear in, selfies and profile pictures. He rarely to never give them likes-maybe just as a mutual face book convention to give likes to profile pictures when they are changed, occasionally. I am convinced that he was liking those pictures I mentioned just because I was in them. Now the question: Is he doing this because he wants to get my attention but he is too stubborn to approach me? Or is he genuinely happy that I'm moving on and having fun? Or he doesn't think at all that far and is in fact just giving likes because I am a person he knows? He is quite an intelligent person and seems very mature at times. But he is also very childish at other times and just like I described him above. I really think he's bipolar and a bit of a witty manipulator but I can't believe that after so many promises he made, after he told me so sincerely that he loved me, he just let me go so easily a second time. I still have feelings for him and I feel guilty for not being the "wiser" person. Maybe that way I could have get to his heart. I am shocked because he never acted so bad before... So, what about those pics? And is there any chance of reconciliation? Sorry in advance for my poor grammar. I am not a native english speaker. Edited November 2, 2016 by Rebeca02
basil67 Posted November 2, 2016 Posted November 2, 2016 It's not your job to inspire or motivate your partner. You are a girlfriend - not a teacher or mentor. It's his job to inspire and motivate himself. If he's looking for this in a partner, he's going to be permanently disappointed. We can't tell you what him liking your FB photos means. But if in the unlikely event he should come back wanting you again, make sure he knows that motivating himself is his own job and that it's not appropriate for him to be putting this on you. You mentioned bi-polar. This is a very serious mental health issue...and you haven't written anything which indicates it. Does he have manic highs and crushing lows slowly cycling over a period of weeks? 1
Author Rebeca02 Posted November 2, 2016 Author Posted November 2, 2016 Not over a period of weeks. He's just going to extremes. He can be very charming and kind-hearted, thoughtful but others days he seems so more selfish, bad-tempered and annoyed. He doesn't respond well to criticism and likes imposing his opinions on others-he gets very mad, as if nobody understands him, then he grows more and more intimidating which can be pretty awful with a person like me that is not that confident and doesn't have such a great self-esteem. I usually try to maintain my composure but when I see him like this, it scares me. He has this two personas and I'm in love with the sweet, caring one. I understand that I'm not perfect either but he's just making it so hard to communicate.
basil67 Posted November 2, 2016 Posted November 2, 2016 Not over a period of weeks. He's just going to extremes. He can be very charming and kind-hearted, thoughtful but others days he seems so more selfish, bad-tempered and annoyed. He doesn't respond well to criticism and likes imposing his opinions on others-he gets very mad, as if nobody understands him, then he grows more and more intimidating which can be pretty awful with a person like me that is not that confident and doesn't have such a great self-esteem. I usually try to maintain my composure but when I see him like this, it scares me. He has this two personas and I'm in love with the sweet, caring one. I understand that I'm not perfect either but he's just making it so hard to communicate. Ok, that's not bi-polar. That's moody, rude and pig headed. Why would you want to be with someone who has such a bad side to him? Don't you want better for yourself?
Author Rebeca02 Posted November 2, 2016 Author Posted November 2, 2016 I don't know...I can't get past his good parts and I know that he truly loved me. It may be also because I have self-esteem issues and this was my first relationship. He wronged me and still I keep blaming myself for not being good enough for him. Maybe he wanted me to be more confident and as smart as he is. I consider myself a smart person, but beside him I feel so stupid. I trusted his judgement so much in the past, is hard for me to accept that the love is gone from his side. What hurts the most is that he did come back and told me all this nice things, professing his love for me. But it was like he was pretending I was supposed to change and he didn't even tried. But I still want him back. Is it possible?
basil67 Posted November 3, 2016 Posted November 3, 2016 I don't know...I can't get past his good parts and I know that he truly loved me. It may be also because I have self-esteem issues and this was my first relationship. He wronged me and still I keep blaming myself for not being good enough for him. Maybe he wanted me to be more confident and as smart as he is. I consider myself a smart person, but beside him I feel so stupid. I trusted his judgement so much in the past, is hard for me to accept that the love is gone from his side. What hurts the most is that he did come back and told me all this nice things, professing his love for me. But it was like he was pretending I was supposed to change and he didn't even tried. But I still want him back. Is it possible? Rebeca, re-read your first paragraph. It is a really bad choice to want to get back together with him.
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