Horrible breakup - cheating and lies

[Aboohoo]

Hi LS

 

I'll try and keep this as short as I can. I've been deliberating for weeks now whether i should post this or not but i've just had another melt down and i need outside help and advice.

 

Background story - my bf and I were together for 5 years and recently bought a house (4 months ago) We were doing OK i guess - the spark had dimmed somewhat but what relationship doesn't. Anyway in July this year he goes away on for work for a few days and comes back a totally changed person. Literally the first thing he says to me as he walked through the front door is 'i feel really weird and depressed' I just thought he was tired and would get back to normal soon enough. He doesn't and this drags on for days and I obviously get very concerned. I force him to talk to me (talking is not his strong point) and he admits that he doesn't know if loves me or fancies me anymore (v. hard to hear) but that he doesn't want to split up and that he just needs time and space.

 

This is where alarm bells ring as there was a new girl away with him on this work event - i put 2+2 together and get upset - he assures me nothing has or will happen as she has a bf and that he's not interested in her like that. He manages to calm me down but as time went on and his 'depression' didn't improve i snooped on his phone and found msgs from his mates encouraging the 2 of them to get together!!!!! Sick to the core - no actual msgs from them together (or any other social media action) but they are both in this whatsapp group together. I confront him and he said it was all a joke and that i can see from his response that he never encourages it. I choose to believe him, ignoring my gut.

 

Anyway for weeks now his mood worsens and he acts weird - taking his permanently glued phone (never used it much before) everywhere - even the shower!! Alarm bells again.

 

This goes on for a couple of months - i feel like im walking on egg shells and he's all 'depresed' saying he hates his job and doesnt know how to feel etc and then he goes on another work event and she's there. Comes back same as before...moody and depressed etc...

 

I eventually move out for a week to get space and when we meet up again at our house we mutually agree to end it and remain friends and be civil while we sort out the house. He again swears blind nothing has or will happen with this girl and that he would never have another girl back in our house as he respects me....

 

One week later i come home unexpectantly and i catch her in bed with him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I felt sick and felt like it wasn't happening, that i was watching a movie. I go mental and kick her out and all he could say was 'oh im annoyed now as you've ruined the nice day we have planned' and then went into detail of where they did it in the house and yelling in my face telling me everything that is wrong with me, how he hasn't loved me for months and how he feels sorry for whoever ends up with me.

 

He swears blind he never cheated (she too broke up with her bf - same weekend as us!!) and that it started afterwards - well that was one week and i just don't believe it. I reckoon it was going on from when he first acted 'depressed' back in July - do you agree in thinking that was just guilt?

 

I am so heartbroken and upset over the total lack of respect - to have her back in our house, my bed and bedsheets

 

He later gave a half arse sorry and that he never meant to hurt me blah blah blah...

 

What i'm now struggling with is the feeling of being 'replaced' - she already fits in so nicely and so much better than i did with his littel friendship group (the ones that were encouraging him to be with her) and he's still living in the house - i'm back at my parents surrounded by boxes. I'm paying half the mortgage still (i have to so we dont lose the house) and he is out there 'living it up'

 

He wasn't the best of boyfriends - he never put me first, never had time for me, was cold at times, bad temper but for some reason i loved him. I know i had my faults but i was so good to him. All our friends would comment that i was too good for him and some even said that he didnt respect me and that i should leave him!!!

 

I know i shouldn't let these 2 bother me now and that i'm better off without him but it's the way he went about it - lies, deceit and cheating. Do you think they will last? They seem really happy now -i've been told through friends via FB He still denies they are a couple. I want karma to pay him a visit. He doesn't deserve all this after everything he's put me through. He's 28 and she's only 22.

 

Do you think it's just the honeymoon stage? Will his true colours shine through?

 

I am utterly heartbroken and he couldn't care less. I have nothing and he has everything.

 

Thanks - it's helped to write all this down. Sorry its so long.

 

Aboohoo xx

[Aboohoo]

Just to add...

 

I asked him why then did he buy the house with me if he knew he didn't love me anymore and he said 'he hoped it would bring us together and give us something to do!'

[VeveCakes]

No way in hell would I pay half the mortgage so he can bang his new gf in the house...I would move back in and he wants out - he can leave.

 

Sorry this happened.

[Aboohoo]

I know but if i don't the house will fall through and screw me up long term with money etc. I cannot bare to step foot in the house now - moved all my stuff out. Told him i'll be doing stop visits as and when i want to make sure it doesnt happen again but i dont actually want to. The way i reacted that morning...think i scared that girl half to death. She won't come back...believe me.

[VeveCakes]

I know but if i don't the house will fall through and screw me up long term with money etc. I cannot bare to step foot in the house now - moved all my stuff out. Told him i'll be doing stop visits as and when i want to make sure it doesnt happen again but i dont actually want to. The way i reacted that morning...think i scared that girl half to death. She won't come back...believe me.

 

yes she will, she had no issue stepping into your bed. Whats the plan for the house?

 

Can you two stay there but separately?

 

Honestly at 22, I doubt their relationship will last. Would you take him back if he came crawling?

[Aboohoo]

Hey VeVeCakes well i hope you're wrong - just went round and did a surprise spot check and the coast was clear. Believe me this is not how i want to live my life but i have no choice.

 

House is now up for sale with a couple of viewings lined up so fingers crossed. There is no way we could live together, not now after everything he has done. Plus i've moved all my stuff and furniture out so there isn't much left in there now.

 

No way, i would never take him back. But he wouldn't want to come back. Right now for some reason he hates me and blames me for everything. I hope you're right when you say i twon't last but my gut tells me it will be serious between them and it hasn't been wrong about them before.

 

I shouldn't care or think about them i know but it's like when your brain tells you not to think about a pink elephant. What do you think about...a pink elephant of course!!

 

I honestly would cope so much better and maybe even be happy for him if these 2 split up and then 1 week later he meets the love of his life. I just don't think these 2 deserve happiness with each other after what they di to me and her ex. I feel like she's come along and robbed me of my future, my man and a lot of money (tied into the house)

 

Obviously i blame him more though

[VeveCakes]

Good you are selling the house...hope it moves quick for you.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, I feel for you. I know this is awful.

 

Something similar happened to me. Although my ex and I hadn't bought the house we lived in, we'd been together a long time and lived together for a few years too.

 

He too suddenly got "depressed" and hated his work and slipped further away into a funk. Well, surprise, surprise - I came to find out he'd been unfaithful with his coworker too. They got together around the time he felt "depressed" (maybe around 3 months before we split) and I would absolutely agree that guilt was part of that emotional distance. His mind and heart were obviously somewhere else while I was trying to figure out what exactly was wrong with him and suggest ways to combat this "depression." He too told me he didn't know if he was in love anymore, was confused about us, etc etc.

 

Thankfully, I never saw them in the act. But I also had evidence I couldn't ignore, and it was confirmed after we broke up. I realized that for him to be able to do something like to me meant we had serious problems between us and we weren't right together anymore. He also had become someone I didn't recognize, someone capable of lying and betrayal. Never would have expected it from him.

 

You are doing the right thing selling the house. This will hurt for a while, and you'll have good days and bad. You will probably need to learn to trust people in general again. My trust was destroyed and it has made me a skeptical person, especially when it comes to men and dating. But I stayed single for a good while after our split and learned to be alone again. That is what I would advise for you now. Take good care of yourself, OP.

[TheSwanGirl]

Damn, girl. This is like I wrote it myself. Word by word, except we didn't buy a house. But we dated for 5 years.

 

My ex followed the SAME PATTERN: "depressed", swears he isn't interested in this girl, blah blah blah, we break up, and two weeks later they are dating. He SWEARS he never cheated, but you and I, we BOTH know what our guts tell us: they did cheat. Even if they didn't cheat physically, they DID cheat emotionally - They KNEW what was going on and instead of telling us, they decided to keep it to themselves until they asured the other relationship with the new girl.

 

And now he has been dating her for 9 months (or even more, behind my back. Who knows).

 

So basically, don't expect much from this guy. Please, PLEASE, have someone do selling of the house for you. Get him OUT of your life. Cut all ties, completely. When he needs to boost his ego, he will come back because he will think about how he messed up, and he would want to ease his guilt. NC. And I mean it. FULL NO CONTACT. AT ALL. It works for me. If I see one more picture of them both being all happy while I'm miserable, I will lose it. NC helps you to see things in perspective.

 

I hope you know you have here one stranger that hopes you're feeling better. I will keep you in my thoughts. I don't pray, I'm not a religious person, but I will keep you in my mind and hope the best for you.

 

Please, NC. Go full NC!!!!!!!! Trust me. You will thank yourself later.

[l8estnews]

STay NC. Try to sort out all things that connects him to you. The feeling of betrayal and "being replaced" will magnify if you continue contact with him so sort those out immediately. Money can be earned again, it's not worth your sanity.

 

Ugh, I am really sorry for you. This situation is one of my most horrible nightmares.

[Aboohoo]

ExpatInItaly - thank you so much for replying. Your story i pretty much the same as mine...just like you i was exploring different avenues on how to help him through his 'dpression' while he was busy msging the other girl and laying the foundations of their relationship.

 

TheSwanGirl - you have just bought a smile to my face. What a lovely thing to say that ' a stranger hopes you feel better' - helps restore my faith in ppl. I took time to read your previous thread and it does sound very similar like you said - how can someone of 5 years just throw you away like a piece of rubbish and 'replace' you with a newer model?! I no longer know the guy my ex has become - i am upset over the guy i used to love not the boy (refuse to call him a man) he is now. I have blocked him (and all his horrible friends) through social media and i am going no contact - luckily my brother is an estate agent so he is handling the house sale for me. I stupidly msgd my ex yesterday asking if him and the new girl are official yet which he replied no - i know that was a dumb thing to do and i instantly regretted it. Not sure what i wanted to achieve as i don't believe his answer and i still know he's out there being Mr Romeo to her!!! Anyway NC is now full on and I'm looking forward to cutting him out. I really feel like i've made a friend in you Swangirl so thank you xx

 

l8estnews - thanks for your response and like i said i'm going NC. Yeah just like you this has always been my biggest fear so i'm actually living my own personal hell right now.

 

Thanks to everyone here - i don't actually want him back (even if there was no other girl involved) i'm just super p*ssed that i've been replaced so easily and i can just imagine all his firends saying 'omg *girl's name* *ex* is sooo much happier with you now, Aboohoo so wasn't right for him, you're so much better' - it makes me sick!!!

 

He did this to his ex before me though with me (although i knew nothing about her and there was no physical cheating but we did msg) so i'm guessing he has form.

 

We've always joked that he is dead inside so i'm guessing why that's why he's OK - although he said he hasn't loved me for months now (just forgot to tell me nad buy a house with me instead) and that's why he hasn't cared or made an effort with me. He said he will be a better bf to this new girl but i don't think he is able to - he has been like this for about 4 years, just after the homey moon stage ended and i knew something was right but i was too scared to admit it and end it. He is not capable of loving and being in a normal relationship and always put his hobbies and friends first. He won't hold hands, unable to communicate and has a temper. I just hope he doesn't turn into the worlds best boyfriend for her - do you think he will eventually show his true colours?

 

It took me 3 years to get another boyfriend from my 'ex-ex' to my ex and i don't want to wait that long again - he has an instant happy relationship and i am alone

[ExpatInItaly]

It's impossible to predict how this will play out with his new girlfriend.

 

My ex, who talked about marrying me and actually took my ring-shopping but dragged his feet when it actually came to planning anything, is now married to and has a child with his affair partner. All within just a few years since our split. Sometimes the dynamic between two people just clicks, in a way it hasn't with anyone else.

 

I actually believe now that they are a better match than we were together; we had drifted in different directions. I didn't really see it at the time, but looking back now, I can say we had outgrown each other.

 

The way it ended was craptastic and very much affected my ability to trust, but it was definitely better that we parted ways. We enjoyed many good years together but I have to admit that I am happier now.