Why Won't He Date Me?

[lroesser]

I'll try to make this as brief as possible. I've known this guy for almost two years now. At first I ABSOLUTELY hated him. I thought he was arrogant and narcissistic, not to mention he would tease me about guys I had dated at every opportunity. Slowly though, something changed in me. I enjoyed the teasing banter we had going on. I can't say exactly what it was, but I think I knew there was another side to him much gentler and more vulnerable than he lead on. I wrote him a long letter explaining that I wanted to get to know him better. The next time we hung out at a bar he was much nicer to me, bought me drinks, put his arm around me, and held my hand. He replied back to my letter with another letter that said we should get a "friend" lunch as also a kind of a birthday present to me.

 

About a month later we get lunch and its great. He says he has fun, but again emphasizes the word friend, so I assume that's all there is to it. About a week later, he texts me out of the blue and starts hitting on me, saying I'm cute, etc. etc. I'm kind of surprised, but happy since I have feelings for him. We keep a very regular text conversation going for about a month. Again he flirts with me and compliments me and says "I'm perfect." We go out to dinner though, and he emphasizes that "he's glad we're finally friends," so obviously I'm confused. He invites me the next week to a play which I decline to go to, and then a few days later says he will be leaving for Philadelphia for the week. I say I'll miss him, and he seems receptive to that but doesn't say it back, so I get upset. He tells me why would he miss me if all we ever do is text, and mentions the play which I declined to go to. Then I say he's never officially asked me out, and he clams up and acts surprised, asking "will I?" I'm surprised at his surprise, but I say if he's interested in me that yes, he should ask me out. Then he writes "Well I'm not saying I'm not interested, but I'm not saying I am either. I hate to take anything too fast," and that dating him "doesn't always go well,".

 

I stop talking to him for about a week, pretty broken up, but thinking maybe I just misinterpreted the signs. I fully intended to tell him in person that I care about him and will agree to just be friends, so I invite him and several others to a group outing. He states that he might not be able to make the dinner plans because of work, but asks where and what time. I tell him, and then later in the afternoon he claims he will be too busy working. That evening I pull up to a parking spot near the restaurant and who do I see walking down the sidewalk, but him with a girl, obviously walking to another restaurant to go on a date. I was so shocked to see him I think my mouth was just agape the whole time. He saw us and the look on his face let me know that he knew he had been caught. He texted me later with "haha you caught me," to which I didn't reply. Then the next day he tried to remedy the situation by inviting me and another friend to box seats at a minor league baseball game to which I also didn't reply.

 

After being intentionally lied to, I stopped all communication with him for the next couple of weeks. I stopped seeing him in all capacities except when I randomly ran into him one night at a play production. He was there with his sister, and we awkwardly talked for a bit. He asked who I was there with, and I said my parents, and he said he was excited to meet them. He didn't end up meeting my parents and in retaliation to this he posted a selfie with me in the background which was highly unflattering. When I texted him to take it down he actually admitted he wouldn't because I didn't let him meet my parents. I told him I was sorry for the way things had turned out, to which he made a joke, but agreed that we should have a "friend" dinner so he could apologize.

 

This dinner never happened, and I still refused to see him even when he invited me to parties at his house. After about a month, I decided to go to one of his parties after his roommate's girlfriend invited me, and so when I showed up I think he was somewhat surprised. He was there with a girl he met on Tinder and I learned that he had gone out with a girl recently on 11 dates and broke up with her when she drunkenly called him her boyfriend. Needless to say, this relationship with the girl at the party only lasted for about a month before she asked to get serious. I know there was a girl he went out with the previous year who thought they were dating as well, so he obviously has some serious commitment issues, which he admitted to me once.

 

Recently, I went to a Halloween party at his house. I thought we were on the path of friends, but I think deep down I knew I still wanted more from him. Unfortunately, I got extremely intoxicated that night and sat on his lap for two hours and was a bit all over him before getting sick and having to leave. He texted me the next day and said he was sorry I had gotten sick and that he hoped I felt better. He also kept bringing up me sitting on his lap and said it was an added bonus and he didn't mind it. We proceeded to have another regular texting relationship for a few days where we talked about various things, but he also kept mentioning me sitting on his lap, and was sexually suggestive. Then after a few days he ghosts me and never replies to my texts, snapchats, anything.

 

I don't need people to tell me he is a douche or why I would possibly be interested in him. I know he's a jerk, but unfortunately my feelings can't easily go away. I guess what I am asking is why he has such commitment issues? He did have a serious girlfriend for three years, before he "says" he broke up with her due to distance, but I think she might've broken up with him. That was over two years ago. He told me he has had commitment issues before his ex, but sometimes what he says doesn't feel credible. Why would he flirt with me, but just want to be friends? Why would he become sexually suggestive with me only to ghost me like I'm some girl he met online? Why won't he date me, but go out with all of these girls on Tinder? Does he just want to have sex with me, even though he knows that would jeopardize the friendship? These are some of the questions I need insight on. Thank you to all the answers and those who have taken the time to read this lengthy post, I truly appreciate it!

[Toodaloo]

Sit down. Its going to be lengthy.

 

He will not date you because.

 

He doesn't want to and doesn't fancy you.

 

Yes - surprisingly enough it really is that basic and simple.

 

Next.

[JewelD]

I agree with toodaloo. I didn't even have to read the entire post to see that this guy does not have commitment issues. He just doesn't want to be with you.

[Gaeta]

Why won't he date me

* because he does not want to date you

 

but go out with all of these girls on Tinder?

* because he wants to date girls on Tinder

[hippychick3]

Men are not complicated and not confusing.

 

When they really want to be with you, their actions show it.

 

When they don't want to be with you, their actions show it as well.

 

Always look at a man's actions. He was clear from the beginning.

[smackie9]

Your feelings are clouding your better judgement. No matter how much in love you are, it still doesn't change the fact he isn't interested. You cannot make this happen. Snap out of it, and cut off all communication with him. It's pretty simple, block/delete. Boooooom! done.

[Zahara]

Why would he flirt with me, but just want to be friends?

 

Hoping to get in your pants.

 

Why would he become sexually suggestive with me only to ghost me like I'm some girl he met online?

 

It's because he wasn't getting the response he wanted. Too much effort to get you to sleep with him.

 

Why won't he date me, but go out with all of these girls on Tinder?

 

It's because he is not interested in you or dating you.

 

Does he just want to have sex with me, even though he knows that would jeopardize the friendship?

 

What friendship? He doesn't have a friendship with you. It's all in your head. His friendship comes with an agenda.

[VeveCakes]

He wants to sleep with you, not date you.

 

When Tinder is low on options...you are the next choice.

 

Don't waste another second.

 

"haha you caught me"???? I would have kicked him straight in the nuts.

 

Forget it, move on.

[ChatroomHero]

Hoping to get in your pants.

 

 

 

It's because he wasn't getting the response he wanted. Too much effort to get you to sleep with him.

 

 

 

It's because he is not interested in you or dating you.

 

 

 

What friendship? He doesn't have a friendship with you. It's all in your head. His friendship comes with an agenda.

 

100% accurate. He wants a FWB, does not want to put in any effort. If you give it up easy, great. If not, he doesn't really care.

[introverted1]

He made it clear he wanted nothing more than friendship.

 

You kept pursuing him even though he clearly stated his non-interest. He may have interpreted this as you being down for FBs or FWBs.

 

If that option suits you, go for it. But do so with the clarity that he has no romantic interest in you and has not hidden this from you for a moment.

[stillafool]

He's simply not interested in you. You've already let it be known that you are interested by wanting him to ask you out. He never asked you out but he took another girl out 11 times so clearly he knows how to pursue a girl he wants.

 

How do you know so much info about who he dated and what happened between them?

[stillafool]

He wants to sleep with you, not date you.

 

When Tinder is low on options...you are the next choice.

 

Don't waste another second.

 

"haha you caught me"???? I would have kicked him straight in the nuts.

Forget it, move on.

 

Yeah, and that wasn't his sister.

[kendahke]

I don't need people to tell me he is a douche or why I would possibly be interested in him. I know he's a jerk, but unfortunately my feelings can't easily go away. I guess what I am asking is why he has such commitment issues? He did have a serious girlfriend for three years, before he "says" he broke up with her due to distance, but I think she might've broken up with him. That was over two years ago. He told me he has had commitment issues before his ex, but sometimes what he says doesn't feel credible.

 

He's a single guy who isn't obligated to enter into anything he doesn't want to. I don't see from anything you've written that he's got commitment issues. I think it's more that he hasn't met anyone to make him think twice. I know we all like to think we're all that and a bag of chips, but everyone and I do mean ev.er.y.one. is entitled to their preferences and to not settle with someone who doesn't do it for them. You are entitled to that, I am, he is and so is everyone else. No one owes anyone a relationship just because that person has interest in them.

 

 

Why would he flirt with me, but just want to be friends?

 

Because he wants to just flirt with you and limit the involvement to non-obligation friendship.

 

Why would he become sexually suggestive with me only to ghost me like I'm some girl he met online?

 

Because he's a single guy who isn't obligated to enter into anything he doesn't want to.

 

Why won't he date me, but go out with all of these girls on Tinder?

 

Because he doesn't want to date you and he wants to go out with other girls on Tinder.

 

Does he just want to have sex with me, even though he knows that would jeopardize the friendship?

 

Or he knows that kind of talk, in light of what you've told him of what you expect when sex is brought into the equation, is enough to distract you into giving him space long enough for him to go out with other women. You're cool to shoot the breeze with, but his behavior, from what you've laid out here in your post, tells me that he's not interested in things developing any further than they already have.

 

He knows you want more than what he's prepared to give and he's not prepared to give more than what you've gotten out of him already.

[victoria88]

I think you had some good advice here from the others...

 

I can add two things:

1) No one has a cure for an unshared love (a situation which happens often_ a girl is in love with a man who is dating women and does not want to date her...or just does not want a relationship with her).

 

2) Try to read the books of John Kehoe about the power of your mind. It is great and I think this will help you.

 

I really hope you will forget him soon and will meet someone cool.

 

Good luck!

[Buddhist]

I guess what I am asking is why he has such commitment issues?

 

You're only assuming he does. Women do this all the time, ascribe some kind of therapy issue to what is quite simply unrequited feelings situations. I guess it makes people feel better and it's easier to accept than the knowledge that they just don't want you for whatever reason. Yes. yes I know he said he had commitment issues but can you really trust anything coming out of this guy's mouth? It's clear he likes to say whatever if it gets him the result he wants. Saying I've got commitment issues is a lot less confrontational than I just don't want you.

 

He told me he has had commitment issues before his ex, but sometimes what he says doesn't feel credible.

 

Exactly. Every guy has commitment issues if you aren't someone they are interested in. Men have no problems at all making a commitment to the right person.

 

Why would he flirt with me, but just want to be friends?

 

Boredom. He likes the attention. He enjoys manipulating people.

 

Why would he become sexually suggestive with me only to ghost me like I'm some girl he met online?

 

See above.

 

Why won't he date me, but go out with all of these girls on Tinder? Does he just want to have sex with me, even though he knows that would jeopardize the friendship? These are some of the questions I need insight on.

 

Because he doesn't want anything from you. Probably not even sex. He clearly wants something from these other women, sex, relationship, whatever. You aren't friends either. He knows it, because he knows you want something more. That's why he keeps you at arms length and tells you lies about his life. He doesn't want you to be a part of it.

 

The answer to all of it is.....

 

He doesn't want you. But you're fun to play around with via text when he's bored.

 

It's difficult to accept that someone would be so careless with our feelings, but people are when they have no vested interest in your wellbeing. They do not care if they hurt you or not. You can see this with their actions. This guy clearly does not care about you at all. He just takes the entertainment you offer when he has nothing else to do.

 

This is an unrequited feelings situation. Work on accepting that. No-one here can tell you why he isn't interested in you. We can only look at his actions and tell you that he isn't. Everything he says and does points to him simply not caring about you at all.

[Herbalist]

Speaking of therapy issues though, if you (OP) are struggling with a deeper feeling of, "Why am I not good enough?" (when it's really a matter of chemistry, not being good enough), that actually is the sort of thing that can stem from childhood insecurities.

 

Remember that every child has a nature/god/whateveryoubelievein given right to be accepted and loved by their parent(s), but between two adults it is a matter of chemistry, not a right to be a loved or about being "good enough".

 

If you really struggle with feelings in terms of the former when it comes to situations with the latter, then that is something that therapy actually can help with.

[Redhead14]

Sometimes a woman decides the man has commitment issues when they have been rejected by a man because that label is easier to accept than accepting the reality that the man simply isn't interested in dating HER. If someone isn't interested in dating someone, it shouldn't be taken personally. It's not his fault that he isn't attracted to her in that way and neither is it her fault. It's just the way it is. When we learn to accept that fact, dating becomes so much easier.

[morrowrd]

I think if you used some boundaries, you could actually have a good friend here. He likes his ego stroked, which you are tripping over yourself to do that favor for him. That's not a good thing, stop doing that. Be the female friend who gives him a hard time back, but keep him FRIENDZONED no matter what flirty text he sends you. At the bar, flirt with all your femalism power, but do it in play. Then, date those who fit into the category of either dateable or boyfriend material. He's neither, because he is to much of a player. If you don't keep him in his box, he will use you, and discard you. Don't do that to yourself.