Dumped out of the blue.. still not really over the confusion and shock

November 2, 2016

I've tried to make this as concise as possible, but failed (sorry). I would really appreciate some insight--but please, a bit more than 'oh this is toxic, move on and forget about it!'.

- Ex and I were a long-term happy basically 'first time' couple about four years ago. I ended it because it went long-distance and when I talked to friends I would feel really awkward about things like the age difference. Looking back the relationship would probably have gone south, but the break-up was definitely premature and for immature 'trying to impress people' reasons, and really hurt him. I've always felt guilty about it because he was a good bf then and we had a lot of fun together; I was insecure, a bit of a snob (if I'm being honest--he's intelligent/good looking but he wasn't a 'cool' or rich guy or whatever at university, a bit laid back and weird) and had unrealistic expectations for the guys around me.

- It went a bit on off, and then after some months he started dating someone else. That's what the heartbreak finally hit me and I felt so unhappy and was so apologetic to him about everything; I think it hit him too (again) and for months he would send me messages saying he might break up with her for me but wasn't sure, then he did, then changed his mind 3 days later, and cut me out. He was a pretty big douche to me for the next several months, and honestly I was devastated.

- He got dumped again and became single. We sort of became friendly again, but every time we'd hang out we'd end up hooking up. However, he'd always make nasty comments after ('you're annoying', 'I don't want a relationship with anyone'), and so I tried to keep my distance.

- At some point I found out he'd been sleeping with another girl for several months while we'd been friends/hooking up. When I confronted him he lied and denied it, then a month later admitted it was true but completely open. I talked to the girl--I still don't understand the nature of their relationship but it transpired that exes certainly had been off the table in their arrangement, and she was really, really hurt. (As was I; by the lying and the sort of deceit about everything and feeling like despite all my effort to be friends, I just didn't matter to him at all. He also didn't apologise for any of it because he didn't think he was at fault and thought it was my problem for not having guessed it.)

- I stopped speaking to him, but then after some time, he started talking to me again. He did a whole "I really never thought you'd date me again; that's why I never tried properly with you; I've been so miserable; I've always wanted to be with you and still want to be with you blah blah". After months of this, and of him being as attentive as possible and totally swearing off other girls, I finally caved and gave him a second chance at something exclusive. Cue one month of total bliss and happiness.

- Then poof, one night he shows up to hang out and talk (I want to --very calmly--just talk a bit about the past, which I'm still bewildered by, and what's going to happen in the future. I'm really nice about it and say I've been having a good time and am happy to continue in whatever vein he wishes, provided it's not open.) He goes: "I haven't been feeling this over the past week. I thought I wanted a relationship with you but I've changed my mind. It's over." He kept repeating "This doesn't feel right" and wouldn't give any further explanation as to what didn't feel right. He also added that he's been feeling depressed, borderline suicidal, over the past few days so effectively I'm stuck as he's completely manipulated me and I can't even express anger/hurt as he just shrugs and walks out. I told him not to be rash because he couldn't come back from this; he didn't care. He said he will see other girls, he basically doesn't seem to care about staying friends; maybe he'll want to ask me out in the future but he's aware I'll say no. (NB: I told his family about the suicidal comments.)

I'm aware that this whole past must sound disastrous and toxic to the outside world. I know there were so many red flags and I should never have expected it to work. But I just feel so flummoxed by the past few months: why, after 2 years of hating me and dating other girls, he SUDDENLY returned to me, and pursued me so insistently (despite some rule about being against relationships), and then after three weeks just 'LOST' all his feelings and ruined our friendship/any future relationship/5 years of being close (even when hating each other)/etc. He never gave me a reason for ending it. I've come agonisingly close to messaging him asking him to meet up and give me a reason/let me give him my thoughts on him, but I've resisted. Still, the questions keep plaguing me, and what's bad is that I end up going through all my possible 'flaws' (I'm older than him, I'm too boring/mainstream, I'm too stable, etc) -- and it's so, so bad for my mental health. If I just *knew* why he'd done this I feel I could write him off as an idiot (e.g. 'oh he started to feel weird that I'm older/make more money? Ok great, idiotic reason, f him'), tell him to sod off and feel a bit better.

I don't need to hear 'go NC and just move on'. I haven't spoken to him since this happened (3+ weeks ago), and I'm proud of how I've maintained NC. I don't want to relapse because if the past is anything to go by, all I'll get is hurt. But my mind still wanders back to it frequently, no matter how hard I work to block it out. I just can't understand what was going on and why he acted this way. So I'd really appreciate some insight (especially from guys).

November 2, 2016

I don't need to hear 'go NC and just move on'. I haven't spoken to him since this happened (3+ weeks ago), and I'm proud of how I've maintained NC. I don't want to relapse because if the past is anything to go by, all I'll get is hurt. But my mind still wanders back to it frequently, no matter how hard I work to block it out. I just can't understand what was going on and why he acted this way. So I'd really appreciate some insight (especially from guys).

Truth is he was never really all that into you and didn't really care all that much about you in the first place. Oh he probably managed to make you think he did every now and then so he could get what he wanted out of you but he didn't care about you.

Best thing you can do is start to care about yourself and if a guy starts treating you like this again just kick him to the kerb. Don't respond to this one and continue on with the no contact.

Oh I know your mind plays tricks and you think that there was something but really, truthfully and honestly. There was nothing. Ziltch, Zero, Nadda. Big fat Nothing.

So nothing complicated to report here. There are no great insights to report. He wasn't interested and treated you as such. Only doing enough so he had a hole to poke a penis into.

Sorry about that because its probably not great for you to read, but its is that simple and not at all complicated.

Start treating yourself better and expect others to do so as well. Do not settle for half measures. Because as you have found out. It really isn't worth it.

November 2, 2016

Thanks. In a way I like hearing that because it makes it feel less cruel; then I know he was just a lazy douche who will never have emotionally satisfying relationships. But I guess it hurts because I feel he did used to love me (even if that was about 3.5 years ago) and how can he have shut off his feelings and get a kick out of messing me around now.

November 2, 2016

then I know he was just a lazy douche

Pretty much I am afraid...

But I guess it hurts because I feel he did used to love me (even if that was about 3.5 years ago) and how can he have shut off his feelings and get a kick out of messing me around now.

he only put the effort in (just enough by the sounds of it and not an ounce more) to get you hooked so he wouldn't have to bother any more...

Plain and simple lazy assed douche...

You get those.

Great thing is when you meet someone who isn't you appreciate them all the more and they appreciate that appreciation... you see how its spiralling already?

Yeah but the lazy ones. Don't bother. They are just not worth it.

You think its "happy" at the time but its not. Its just carrying on because they are there and no one can really be bothered to end it or look for better... All it takes is for someone to catch their eye or for them to get fed up with having to make any effort at all, like bother to phone or remember your birthday...

November 4, 2016

and it's so, so bad for my mental health. If I just *knew* why he'd done this I feel I could write him off as an idiot

Since you are aware of the negative affects of continually sorting through past events, conversations, decisions, you must recognize the faulty thinking of your statement that if you "knew why" it would change how you feel. Most of the time knowing why just gives you one more thing to fret over and try to figure out how things could have been different. Does this make sense?

November 4, 2016

No, I don't think that's true. I don't want him back and I don't want to change the past. I know I did my absolute best over the time we were together and there's nothing I would change about the way I acted (even if he blames my actions for his leaving).

What really bugs me is how cold/rational/almost happy he was at dumping me. It made me feel, as the poster above said, that there was always something about me he disliked. But he kept saying he'd thought he wanted a relationship and then changed his mind over the past few days. I just want to know what about me (whether it's something fixed or something I 'did') led him to change his mind because I feel decisions like that often require pretty self-evident reasons. And if it was for fixed reason (e.g. he thinks I'm not that attractive; he decided we're not compatible; he thinks I'm too old and together), I want to be able to tell him how SELFISH and disingenuous it was of him to pursue me because he knew everything about me from the get go, so he knows what he doesn't like and he should NOT have come after me if it was so easy to dump me.

I really don't think I'll feel affected by the reason (as tbh he's said all the possible reasons at various points during fights; and who cares? other people don't have these issues with me) but I do feel very affected by the fact that he didn't respect me enough to give me one, and I feel he owes me that and him giving me the reason would stop me feeling so disrespected. Does that make sense?

My feelings have generally either changed (e.g. shock to anger to sadness or whatever), or lessened, but the one feeling that has not gone away/lessened at all is the sick feeling that he didn't respect/care enough about me at all to even give a reason. That's why I just wish someone would give me one so I could feel at peace in my mind

Our mutual 'friends' think he probably saw I was wary of him/could hurt him (given the trajectory of the breakup conversation) and lashed out to dump me first, so he wouldn't get hurt. While this would make sense, it doesn't account for the fact that he clearly already wanted to end it days before. I keep thinking 'oh maybe he decided I was ugly' but he did reassure me that wasn't it; I was too afraid to ask if it was a perceived personality clash or my age or something. I just wish someone could give insight

November 4, 2016

He sounds like he has some mental health issues. Cheating, lying, doesn't know his own mind or feelings, talk of suicide. Something is wrong with him and since he isn't getting treated, you are far better off without him. You will feel better soon.

November 4, 2016

Thanks. It feels like a cop-out saying his douche-iness/immaturity can be explained by mental health issues; but I guess it's comforting to think that he didn't find me boring or unattractive or clingy, but was mostly having some sort of mental health episode.

What do you think he might have? He said he was depressed, but I've noticed similarities in his behaviour to narcissistic personality disorder (he would compare himself to famous activists/etc and say how the government is going to kill him for being one too) or maybe bipolar/hypomania. But then I read an article on psychopathy and it fit him to the tee so....

November 6, 2016

Also what sucks is that I feel so low and want to talk to him about it because I know he'd listen and is understanding of low moods and yet the irony is that he caused it!

On another pt is breaking NC at some point really so bad? I'm incredibly starting to go on dates with a nice seeming guy so that's a good thing to think about instead. However I still feel really horrible about the lack of closure and I just don't know if I could move on without saying my piece, asking for reasons, seeing why he did it/his true colors etc. I have no intention of trying to get him back but I don't want to fall into a friendship or get hurt if I meet up with him once.

November 6, 2016

How about writing him a letter with all the points you would like to make to achieve closure for yourself?

November 6, 2016

Ive thought about that. Do you mean send him /give him the letter too? I think I'd get a more honest answer face to face. He will not be honest over email.

I'm really afraid of seeing him though; he will belittle me even if I keep my cool, so I don't really know how to play it. I was thinking of asking him to tell me the reasons (the main closure I want) and then giving him a letter saying all the things I think about. But I don't know- I'm so worried he will control belittle and dismiss me and my feelings. Not that it matters I suppose. I remember when j dumped someone once- it was a bit rash but then I felt a weird power trip from it and kept pushing them down, probably to justify dumping them when there was no one really better.

My friends keep telling me not to contact him in any way but I'm not sure I can fundamentally heal without trying for closure. But they tell me time will do it. I don't know- Tberr are some things that just "time" has never resolved for me.

November 11, 2016

Generally the exercise of writing the letter is for the purpose of you getting the chance to write out all of your thoughts and feelings. It is an opportunity to be very honest and very raw with all the things you would want to say to him. For this reason, it is generally not intended to be given to the other party. Because as you can imagine, most recipients of such a letter would react poorly and not engage in any positive or healthy communication. Since you describe him as a person who will likely belittle you it seems to confirm that there would be no point to give him such a letter.

November 11, 2016

- Ex and I were a long-term happy basically 'first time' couple about four years ago. I ended it because it went long-distance and when I talked to friends I would feel really awkward about things like the age difference. Looking back the relationship would probably have gone south, but the break-up was definitely premature and for immature 'trying to impress people' reasons, and really hurt him. I've always felt guilty about it because he was a good bf then and we had a lot of fun together; I was insecure, a bit of a snob (if I'm being honest--he's intelligent/good looking but he wasn't a 'cool' or rich guy or whatever at university, a bit laid back and weird) and had unrealistic expectations for the guys around me.

- It went a bit on off, and then after some months he started dating someone else. That's what the heartbreak finally hit me and I felt so unhappy and was so apologetic to him about everything; I think it hit him too (again) and for months he would send me messages saying he might break up with her for me but wasn't sure, then he did, then changed his mind 3 days later, and cut me out. He was a pretty big douche to me for the next several months, and honestly I was devastated.

According to what you wrote it doesn't sound he was never into you fully. I think he was totally into you until you blindsided him and dumped him because of peer pressure and your self-professed unreasonable expectations.

I don't know if your ex was a vindictive person or he was simply afraid of getting hurt again, but it sounds like for as much as he wanted to get back together with you the hurt that he experienced when you dumped him never really went away and once you were together again and you had a chance to spend some great moments together for a month those fears may have come back to haunt him.

Reason I said "I don't know if he was a vindictive person" is that it sounds like, even when he did what he did about lying about sleeping with someone else and saying he'd dump the new girl but changed his mind a few days later, he was fighting his own demons about getting back with you and potentially getting hurt again. His Jekyl and Hyde behaviour could be because he was fighting wanting to be with you but his ego would get in the way wanting to hurt you back.

The sick and twister reality about break-ups is that we are hurting the most and the one person we want to turn to in that time of needing comfort is the one person we no longer have to make it all better.

I'm sorry this has turned out as it did but it sounds like he is too set in his own confusion and all it will do to you going forward is cause you more pain. I'd try really really hard to just close that chapter and move on.

November 11, 2016

I've tried to make this as concise as possible, but failed (sorry). I would really appreciate some insight--but please, a bit more than 'oh this is toxic, move on and forget about it!'.

- Ex and I were a long-term happy basically 'first time' couple about four years ago. I ended it because it went long-distance and when I talked to friends I would feel really awkward about things like the age difference. Looking back the relationship would probably have gone south, but the break-up was definitely premature and for immature 'trying to impress people' reasons, and really hurt him. I've always felt guilty about it because he was a good bf then and we had a lot of fun together; I was insecure, a bit of a snob (if I'm being honest--he's intelligent/good looking but he wasn't a 'cool' or rich guy or whatever at university, a bit laid back and weird) and had unrealistic expectations for the guys around me.

- It went a bit on off, and then after some months he started dating someone else. That's what the heartbreak finally hit me and I felt so unhappy and was so apologetic to him about everything; I think it hit him too (again) and for months he would send me messages saying he might break up with her for me but wasn't sure, then he did, then changed his mind 3 days later, and cut me out. He was a pretty big douche to me for the next several months, and honestly I was devastated.

- He got dumped again and became single. We sort of became friendly again, but every time we'd hang out we'd end up hooking up. However, he'd always make nasty comments after ('you're annoying', 'I don't want a relationship with anyone'), and so I tried to keep my distance.

- At some point I found out he'd been sleeping with another girl for several months while we'd been friends/hooking up. When I confronted him he lied and denied it, then a month later admitted it was true but completely open. I talked to the girl--I still don't understand the nature of their relationship but it transpired that exes certainly had been off the table in their arrangement, and she was really, really hurt. (As was I; by the lying and the sort of deceit about everything and feeling like despite all my effort to be friends, I just didn't matter to him at all. He also didn't apologise for any of it because he didn't think he was at fault and thought it was my problem for not having guessed it.)

- I stopped speaking to him, but then after some time, he started talking to me again. He did a whole "I really never thought you'd date me again; that's why I never tried properly with you; I've been so miserable; I've always wanted to be with you and still want to be with you blah blah". After months of this, and of him being as attentive as possible and totally swearing off other girls, I finally caved and gave him a second chance at something exclusive. Cue one month of total bliss and happiness.

- Then poof, one night he shows up to hang out and talk (I want to --very calmly--just talk a bit about the past, which I'm still bewildered by, and what's going to happen in the future. I'm really nice about it and say I've been having a good time and am happy to continue in whatever vein he wishes, provided it's not open.) He goes: "I haven't been feeling this over the past week. I thought I wanted a relationship with you but I've changed my mind. It's over." He kept repeating "This doesn't feel right" and wouldn't give any further explanation as to what didn't feel right. He also added that he's been feeling depressed, borderline suicidal, over the past few days so effectively I'm stuck as he's completely manipulated me and I can't even express anger/hurt as he just shrugs and walks out. I told him not to be rash because he couldn't come back from this; he didn't care. He said he will see other girls, he basically doesn't seem to care about staying friends; maybe he'll want to ask me out in the future but he's aware I'll say no. (NB: I told his family about the suicidal comments.)

I'm aware that this whole past must sound disastrous and toxic to the outside world. I know there were so many red flags and I should never have expected it to work. But I just feel so flummoxed by the past few months: why, after 2 years of hating me and dating other girls, he SUDDENLY returned to me, and pursued me so insistently (despite some rule about being against relationships), and then after three weeks just 'LOST' all his feelings and ruined our friendship/any future relationship/5 years of being close (even when hating each other)/etc. He never gave me a reason for ending it. I've come agonisingly close to messaging him asking him to meet up and give me a reason/let me give him my thoughts on him, but I've resisted. Still, the questions keep plaguing me, and what's bad is that I end up going through all my possible 'flaws' (I'm older than him, I'm too boring/mainstream, I'm too stable, etc) -- and it's so, so bad for my mental health. If I just *knew* why he'd done this I feel I could write him off as an idiot (e.g. 'oh he started to feel weird that I'm older/make more money? Ok great, idiotic reason, f him'), tell him to sod off and feel a bit better.

I don't need to hear 'go NC and just move on'. I haven't spoken to him since this happened (3+ weeks ago), and I'm proud of how I've maintained NC. I don't want to relapse because if the past is anything to go by, all I'll get is hurt. But my mind still wanders back to it frequently, no matter how hard I work to block it out. I just can't understand what was going on and why he acted this way. So I'd really appreciate some insight (especially from guys).

But I just feel so flummoxed by the past few months: why, after 2 years of hating me and dating other girls, he SUDDENLY returned to me, and pursued me so insistently (despite some rule about being against relationships), -- He came back because he was going through a dryspell of dating/getting laid. So, he went back to you because he was horny and you responded. It had been two years, you responded and tipped him off that you probably still had feelings for him and so he used you. That is the reason you don't respond or break no contact.

His dry spell probably ended and had another girl in line.

I'm sorry you went through this, but keep no contact FOREVER . . .

November 11, 2016

I'm not a guy but he sounds like someone who will take whatever he can get, he probably met someone new and that's why he vanished. Really it sucks and I've been going through something similar with someone who basically strung me along until someone new came onto the scene and then he instantly vanished. I'm so thankful I didn't have sex with him during this time. I'm sorry for what you are going through.

November 12, 2016

Thanks for the all the replies. I can't express how much it really helps.

Sunkissedpatio -- thank you; that's really insightful and he's often expressed feelings very much along those lines.

Redhead14 and VienneseCoffee : this was my fear (that after a dry spell, he'd found someone else he was interested in). That thought really stings because it 1) makes me feel so expendable , and 2) means that I was tricked; he played on my guilt/residual feelings/empathy and used me until someone else came along. This reason makes me really angry and want to break contact to tell him how he used me and that I'm not an idiot.

I've always felt torn between the explanations of Sunkissedpatio and Redhead14/VienneseCoffee; I try to lean to the former so I don't react, but either way it's all horrible.

November 12, 2016

Thanks for the all the replies. I can't express how much it really helps.

Redhead14 and VienneseCoffee : this was my fear (that after a dry spell, he'd found someone else he was interested in). That thought really stings because it 1) makes me feel so expendable , and 2) means that I was tricked; he played on my guilt/residual feelings/empathy and used me until someone else came along. This reason makes me really angry and want to break contact to tell him how he used me and that I'm not an idiot.

I've always felt torn between the explanations of Sunkissedpatio and Redhead14/VienneseCoffee; I try to lean to the former so I don't react, but either way it's all horrible.

I actually did break contact recently because it was only a few weeks ago he kept telling me he still loved me and was heartbroken since we broke up and he might want to try again. He said he wasn't really ready to move on. Then he vanished and stopped replying to my messages. I was totally confused about what had transpired. All of a sudden I see a pic of him with some new person on FB. I called him to yell at him and at first he says I cannot take what this other person is saying at face value (he is her soulmate or some such crap). Then he denied saying he ever wanted to get back with me. Basically flat out lied. So there you go. I am still pretty pissed about all of this but I'm not even sure it was worth it to break no contact.

Edited November 12, 2016 by VienneseCoffee

November 13, 2016

Hi Viennese, I'm sorry to hear that. That sounds terrible He sounds like a total jerk; but as consolation remember that poor next girl is going to be treated like absolute ****. I mean already she thinks he's her soulmate and he's still chatting to you/denying it. Trust me, she's gonna get a rude awakening when she realises what he is, and hopefully she'll dump him and karma will get him

It's infuriating to feel that they're happy, they've got the power and they've won, but they're sick and suck the lives out of others; inevitably others will see that and they'll end up with doormats or alone.

Yea part of me still wants to break contact to find out what was going on, just so I can stop wondering, but I feel whatever I find will probably be worse than I expected (general trend of what happens when I give him a chance to explain/trust him), so maybe it's best just to take one imagined reason why it ended and stick with it and try to force myself to move on.. so that if I ever run into him or find out the real reason, I just won't even care.

November 19, 2016

Yea part of me still wants to break contact to find out what was going on, just so I can stop wondering, but I feel whatever I find will probably be worse than I expected (general trend of what happens when I give him a chance to explain/trust him), so maybe it's best just to take one imagined reason why it ended and stick with it and try to force myself to move on.. so that if I ever run into him or find out the real reason, I just won't even care.

Thought it would be helpful to check back in to see how you are doing with no contact and how you are feeling in general about the whole situation?

November 20, 2016

I agree with the dry spell remarks. I've been NC for about a month, and I haven't contacted any exs.

One thing I've noticed, is that when people have unresolved issues, whether it is abuse, addictions, etc they tend to move from new thing to new thing, without ever having to exist in the old feelings and process them through.

I was that person till about two years back. If he doesn't learn to exist in, and process whatever is corrupting him, he will always be this way.

Let him go, and pray he gets the help he needs.

November 20, 2016

I'm going to go against the grain. When you first started seeing each other you stated you pretty much were rash in dumping him and really had no good reason.

I think when you did that to him he no longer viewed you the same anymore-sure he was attracted to you but I don't think he really got over the break up.

I think it was always on his mind-hey this woman dumped me on my face last time so I'm not going to invest like last time. And when he did decide to commit I don't think he could let go of the past.

I'm not defending any of his actions just giving you another perspective.

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Dumped out of the blue.. still not really over the confusion and shock

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