Should I tell my current gf I cheated on an ex long ago?

[TheDingo]

After being single for a while, I've resumed the dating world somewhere in March of this year.

 

I've been officially dating my current gf since May but we never spoke about our pasts. She never asked for mine and neither did I.

 

I only cheated on a past gf long ago when I was 24 (now I'm 31). I have since learned from, got cheated on by a different gf and well hopefully this time things work out with my gf. We are looking forward towards having a child in the near future. This is what I want: to start a family. I just don't know if I should reveal to her that part of my past or is it not necessary if she never asked me.

[Giggle]

Why are you thinking about it? What brought it to mind?

[understand50]

After being single for a while, I've resumed the dating world somewhere in March of this year.

 

I've been officially dating my current gf since May but we never spoke about our pasts. She never asked for mine and neither did I.

 

I only cheated on a past gf long ago when I was 24 (now I'm 31). I have since learned from, got cheated on by a different gf and well hopefully this time things work out with my gf. We are looking forward towards having a child in the near future. This is what I want: to start a family. I just don't know if I should reveal to her that part of my past or is it not necessary if she never asked me.

 

The Dingo,

 

I believe that you should reveal your sexual past only if it impacts the present relationship, or if your past can be found out independently by your partner, and by them finding out, would harm your relationship.

 

So applying this, is your past impacting your relationship right now?

 

Is there a good chance she will find out you cheated on another partner in the past, and will it impact you present relationship?

 

Answer those two questions, and you will know if you should tell her. Of course this is my opinion, so take it for what it is worth.

 

I wish you luck....

[IfonlyIknew]

No. It has nothing to do with you and her as a couple.

 

We don't have to be who we were yesterday, if that's what we choose. Just because you cheated in the past doesn't mean that you are going to do it again.

[TheDingo]

No to both answers. There aren't any problems in my current relationship and the ex gf I cheated long ago doesn't hold grudges towards me anymore (hasn't for a long time now).

 

I guess that's just me clearing my mind and wanting to be honest from the start.

[Gaeta]

I guess that's just me clearing my mind and wanting to be honest from the start.

 

No do not tell her. It has nothing to do with your relationship with her. You did what you did back then because it was a different time and different circumstances.

 

If you want to clear your mind maybe you should seek a priest or a therapist but this is not the role of your girlfriend to ease your mind on the hurt you did on someone else.

[TheDingo]

No. It has nothing to do with you and her as a couple.

 

We don't have to be who we were yesterday, if that's what we choose. Just because you cheated in the past doesn't mean that you are going to do it again.

You have a good point though. She seems like the type that's just interested in the present, our relationship and if our life goals are similar.

 

I guess I'm not going to tell her that unless she asks directly if I ever cheated.

[DarrenB]

Unless anything related to it gets brought up in a conversation, no do not.

 

Some might say it'd be the honorable thing to do, others the opposite. I see it as neutral.

 

Regardless, if you have something good going with someone, you don't want to jeopardize that from a learning curve conducted by naivety and a younger experience.

[IfonlyIknew]

She sounds mature and that's a great sign if she's focused on the present. The past should not matter. I get what you are saying to be honest from the start if she were to say "so have you ever cheated on a girlfriend before?" You don't want to lie to her but you can divert it "the past is irrelevant"

[Mrin]

OP's story in food:

After a couple of years being without a "hang out" this terrific Irish pub called The Cock & Bull opened around the corner. It is a cool place - quaint. Very casual. But they serve the BEST food. Like top notch 4 star stuff - not your normal bangers and mash or shepherds pie like you usually find. My favorite is this duck confit with super crackly skin served with some baby bok choy and horseradish mashed potatoes. OMG so good. I literally am there 4 days a week. Great service, and the owner, "Nole" is this trippy english dude that hits on all the ladies. It is sort of like Cheers. They even let me have a tab that I just settle weekly.

 

10 years ago back in college I went on Spring Break with friends down to Florida. We didn't have any cash so we dined/drank and dashed from several places. One of them called the cops but we got away. I can't believe I was that stupid.

 

Think I should warn them that I've done that in the past?

[Gloria25]

IMO, someone who you're dating isn't your priest or counselor. In other words, cleansing of the mind, soul, etc. is to be done with professionals.

 

Also, when I put out information, I expect the recipient to make use of it. If this was a one time thing and you learned the error of your ways, how is it gonna help your SO to know this?

 

Women have memories like computers

We downloads everything. We store it for later use. Even if you may try to delete it, somewhere it's still on our hard drive - unless you perform a lobotomy on us

 

If you tell your gf, all she's gonna do is worry about if you're capable of cheating again.

 

Don't do it!!!

[Miss Peach]

If you have a don't ask don't tell arrangement I would consider keeping the skeleton in the closet.

 

In my case, I really respect complete honesty and directness so it is something I would want to know. I would have questions whether that was the only time, look for lessons learned, etc. But I realize most men and women would be put off by that.

[thecrucible]

I can relate to your experience and this question has come up for me too. I don't think it's something I would voluntarily bring up but I wouldn't hide it if I was asked directly. I've decided that this is what I will do. I know I have moved on and learned from it and it was several years ago now so I am different person. In that sense, I've owned it. I think it's good that you and your ex have made up and you are forgiven. If all is forgiven, then it seems that the issue is really between you and that ex. Knowing that she has forgiven you, it seems unlikely that this issue would crop up again and affect your current relationship.

[kvolm2016]

Since you have only been dating for 4 months, is it possible that you just haven't gotten around to talking about past relationships and life lessons yet?